AIBU to exclude DM from Mothers Day plans?

[TillyannaB]

Back story; my mum (dad not really on scene) of 3 daughters in 30’s- I live with DH and DC (9). My 2 sisters live with DM - both sometimes stay at boyfriends. One sister (L) I get on with and we have contact. Other sister (O) and I had a disagreement 5 years ago and she took the hump and hasn’t spoke since. This got my back up as promises she made to my DC were not carried out - likely to get back at me.
I sent 3 texts over about 3 months attempting contact (from a let’s move on perspective) but no reply.

Unfortunately DM loved the drama.
DM uses this to her advantage and for example will ask to spend her birthday day with my family doing something she wants then will go out in the evening with sisters.
I have known this years and just got on with it but this year it’s like she has been quite sly/ demanding and it’s annoyed me. She’s booked a meal at a fancy restaurant for her and my sister’s- my family and I aren’t invited, she knows DH stays with his own DM Mother’s Day weekends as she is far away so it would just be me and dc. She in fact text to say her late afternoon and evening are taken so where are we (me and my dc) taking her in the day but she needs to be back for 4pm to get ready to go out for her meal.

My DC has no idea about the depths of above. I asked her what she wants to do on Mothers Day and grandma can come but she said she wants a day just for me and her. I actually like this idea as we rarely have this and while it fits with how annoyed I am with DM I also feel guilty.

AIBU to not take my mum out like normal? DC would ‘let’ grandma come but I then feel like I’m not listening to her wants of a day for the 2 of us.

I can’t split the day as I can’t take DM home easily without our day ending there so she can have her other plans.

I am deep down annoyed with DM as she could ‘help’ my dc get her auntie back (even excluding me) but it’s like she prefers it this way as she gets double everything- years ago it would be 1 outing/ celebration for us all.

Everyone irl is biased so asking on here.
please be honest I can take it.
Thanx

That's really a unhealthy way to be, are you trying to work on that?

OP has said that her mum tells her that each special occasion could be her last to get her own way and make OP feel guilty which is a horrible thing for her to do.

I lost my mum 40 years ago in my early twenties when my first child was 3 months old. I would never tell other people with difficult relationships with their mums to put up with poor behaviour as they will be sorry when they've gone.

Simply say that you are not free to meet in the daytime due to other plans but you are free in the evening and can join her and your sisters at the fancy restaurant.

Don't give another option. It's up to her (the mother) to include you as her other daughter

Yes OP says it, but I don’t agree with OP point of view.

OP said her mum said it ONCE. It’s not a constant tiny when I’m dead violin that is trotted out repeatedly. I can understand a parent saying it ONCE out of frustration over two adult DS in their 30s that are refusing to speak to or be around each other.

Do what makes you happy as it is a celebration of you as a mother. Just a suggestion : why not join DH and the 3 of you visit his mum? Book a hotel if you want. That way you are sending a message that you also have other priorities which do not include her(and all the drama)

She said:

'that’s something else she has said in the past it might be her last ‘xyz’ day and how bad would I feel if she was gone for the next one'

By 'her last xyz day', she means that she has said it about at least three special occasions, I would imagine her birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.

Even saying it once is extremely self-centred, guilt-tripping behaviour. Most normal mums don't threaten their children with their imminent deaths to get their own way.

And if this were the OP's last Mother's Day with her child, and the child had specifically asked for a day just the two of them...
"Your mum might be dead next year" is a shitty reason to guilt two people into acceding to a plan neither them is keen on.

Amen!
And I'm sooo glad you came here to.post this, in the face of all the "but she's your mother!" sentimentality from.other posters.

The OP's DC seems to have the measure of her manipulative sulky gran.

Please don't do this. My mother died nearly 50 years ago

That's no excuse for emotional blackmail

In normal circumstances I would agree with you that a normal mum would never say that. However, the circumstances of two adult children having a family feud for 5 years are not really normal. The ‘xyz’ could equally be to anonymise the event rather than imply multiple occasions,

Too, OPs all tend to write their AIBU? To cast themselves in the best light possible and there is a bit of that going on in this thread.

Anyhoo, a diversity of opinion and multiple povs is always a good thing. You could be spot on, or I could.

YANBU to tell your Mum that you aren’t free during the day but YABU to blame her for not “helping my daughter to get her auntie back”. The argument is between you and your sister and your mother is absolutely powerless over it. I guess she doesn’t like the situation at all and is probably doing her best to see each of you separately rather than enjoying two celebrations. You are attributing the worst possible motives to her. You may know her better and I could be wrong but you and your sister are adults and the days of Mum intervening between you are passed. I would do what you want to do with your daughter and arrange to see your Mum a different day but let go of being angry with her for something that isn’t her fault.

Thank you!

This is not true.
If it were, my DDs wouldn't have a clue.

You were being judgy. Don't dress it up as 'opinion'

Your DM is well out of order trying to manipulate your daughter to side with her against you. No wonder DD wants a Mother's Day wothoit that in play.

"Poor DM"?
She's orchestrating the drama, and wsllowing in it.

Your bairns asked to have you to herself. Tell your mother you have plans with your bairn so won't be able to do anything with her this year due to time limits but you'll do something with her another time.

Fuck her.

Someone always always posts this blackmaily stuff on these threads. So what even if it's her last one. She gets to spend it with her favourite kid doesn't she?

You don't put yourself last just because someone's going to die one day.

Thank you everyone, again more to think about. Maybe I should try again myself to have a relationship with my DSis, or at least for dd to see her again.

to try to answer some bits,

unfortunately, DM has played the ‘I might be dead…’ card all her life. Even when we were teens we would all react to her telling her to shut up/ don’t be so stupid. I suppose it’s an attention thing she can’t help but it’s bloody annoying hearing it over and over- she has never said it in front of DD but she knows I’d go crazy.

I think the poster that said DD has the measure of DM is quite right.

I will sleep on it and decide tomorrow after reading all these points again.

thanx all x

Also to add, the way the planning works, DM messages me with the day we need to do after arranging with DSis when they can do. The one I speak to works lots of changing hours, the one I don’t speak with doesn’t work but will have top say in what happens!

Obviously the golden child then. Why is that?

Card and flowers or 'we are bust Sunday but tea and cake on Saturday if you're free?' is more than adequate.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think most mothers would try and help their children to resolve a conflict like this, no way would many mothers enjoy the drama!
I'd just tell her, "Sorry Mum, we are busy in the morning so it wont work for us this time. Hope you have a lovely dinner" and leave it there.

Ignore Pandora's emotional blackmail - I miss my mum very much but it doesn't mean I danced to her tune every day of my life because she was likely to die before me. That's an unhealthy way to live.

Turn it around - you only have so many Mother's Days with your child at home and wanting to spend time with you. Isn't that worth celebrating?