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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex on speakerphone

104 replies

FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 07:43

I will start with the backstory so as not to drip feed. When I met my husband I was still good friends with my ex who I share a child with. We had been separated 5 years and live at opposite sides of the country so good friends means chatting on the phone regularly, not always about dc, having a coffee at pick up (it’s a long drive so makes sense to have a rest). He was settled with someone else and happy, there was nothing in it but friendship.

My husband found this uncomfortable so I dialled back the contact to just about our child and then as child got older and got a phone I rarely speak to ex at all.

Yesterday I got a phone call from him at a time I would usually be in work. As it happens me and DH had a day off together and he was there when he rang. I answered the phone and EX sounded really upset, he had to leave the call but asked me to call him back soon.

My husband said I should put him on speaker phone when I call him back. He said it’s suspicious that he has rang me when I would be in work when he could have rang at the weekend.

I said I wasn’t comfortable secretly putting him on speaker as he sounded upset and he should be able to speak privately.

My husband insisted and said I was being dodgy and sneaky if I don’t and obviously have something to hide.

In the end I felt I had no choice so rang ex back on speaker and he told me why he was upset, something to do with his younger child with his partner, nothing to do with me but he was giving me a heads up as it will affect our shard child as they are his family.

So did I look like I had something to hide by being reluctant - YABU

or should DH have trusted me YANBU

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 25/03/2025 07:46

Tell him to fuck off and take whatever calls you like on or off speakerphone. You are an adult and can speak to whoever you like any time.

Easterbunnygettingsorted · 25/03/2025 07:47

Your dh has no say in how you and your ex choose to manage a friendship in relation to your shared dc...

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/03/2025 07:47

Anyone wanting to listen in to a phone call I was on would be told to fuck right off. Either he trusts you or he doesn’t. It’s great that you have a good relationship with your ex - your shared child will benefit hugely from having parents who can get on well.

Lostworlds · 25/03/2025 07:48

Your husband clearly thinks something is going on since your ex phoned at a time of day that he wouldn’t usually be there.
Your husband does sound insecure but also sounds like
he's becoming controlling. Personally I would discuss this with him now, he needs to accept that you and your ex have been separated for a long time and there is nothing going on. Being on good terms with your ex is great and lovely for your children to see parents getting along even when they aren’t together. I wouldn’t have change the phone calls or coffee, but instead would have Included your husband, if he wanted to join.

Explain to your husband how this is making you feel and ask why he has no trust in you.

Tagyoureit · 25/03/2025 07:54

Yikes! Red flags for DH here!!

I have a child from a previous relationship so in the same boat and no way would I accept this type of behaviour from dh, not that I speak to my ex these as he just phones DS but still.

Original poster
FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 07:56

The coffees stayed as it’s such a long drive I refused to not offer a coffee break. Sometimes DH is there, sometimes he is at work but that can’t be helped as he works funny shifts.

Ex brings his partner sometimes, sometimes comes alone.

My DH and I drove to theirs to meet my DCs baby sibling.

There is absolutely nothing at all romantic between us, it’s been a good ten years now since we separated but we never hated each other.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 08:00

Tagyoureit · 25/03/2025 07:54

Yikes! Red flags for DH here!!

I have a child from a previous relationship so in the same boat and no way would I accept this type of behaviour from dh, not that I speak to my ex these as he just phones DS but still.

Ex mostly speaks straight to our child now too, that’s how I knew it was something serious when he phones me.

OP posts:
Ecotype · 25/03/2025 08:21

Your husband sounds very controlling and jealous. You shouldn’t let him bully you.

SamphiretheTervosaur · 25/03/2025 08:30

So you now have a conversation with your H and explain that his suspicious nature is utterly unfounded, as he has now seen for himself, and that he needs to work in his ability to control his jealousy as you won't allow it to control you

It is his problem. You both need him to understand that

toomuchfaff · 25/03/2025 08:44

Wow, a DH who is exhibiting controlling behavior. What else do they do, this isn't the extent of their toxic behaviours, surely not. Take off the rose coloured glasses and look close.

Take a look at this quiz, tells you some bad behaviours and gives you a score.

www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E

BlondiePortz · 25/03/2025 08:52

I think he sounds as controlling as the women on here who post about the jealousy they have with their male partners expartner

Endofyear · 25/03/2025 10:07

I would not be happy with my DH dictating who I can and can't talk to on the phone or wanting to listen to conversations. Surely you can see that this is controlling behaviour OP?

Original poster
FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 11:23

I thought it was controlling but DH insisted it made me look suspicious and like I had something to hide. He even said to ask on here and everyone would agree that it looked sneaky to refuse.

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 25/03/2025 11:54

FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 11:23

I thought it was controlling but DH insisted it made me look suspicious and like I had something to hide. He even said to ask on here and everyone would agree that it looked sneaky to refuse.

Of course it’s controlling! It’s unspeakable behaviour. Would he insist on listening in to anyone else’s conversation? He’s forgotten you are not his property. Remind him.

Jellycatspyjamas · 25/03/2025 12:43

Well he’s in for a surprise then.

WilfredsPies · 25/03/2025 12:56

FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 11:23

I thought it was controlling but DH insisted it made me look suspicious and like I had something to hide. He even said to ask on here and everyone would agree that it looked sneaky to refuse.

I expect that, once he’s read the replies, he’ll decide Mumsnetters are all either man hating feminists or old slappers who are looking to cheat at every opportunity.

People with control issues are so predictable. So concerned with non existent affairs that they can’t see they’re about an inch away from ruining their marriage beyond repair.

ThinWomansBrain · 25/03/2025 13:27

FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 11:23

I thought it was controlling but DH insisted it made me look suspicious and like I had something to hide. He even said to ask on here and everyone would agree that it looked sneaky to refuse.

gaslighting and controlling then.

Voted YANBU - but YABU for still being with him.

Queenofthestonage · 25/03/2025 16:47

FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 11:23

I thought it was controlling but DH insisted it made me look suspicious and like I had something to hide. He even said to ask on here and everyone would agree that it looked sneaky to refuse.

Well that didn’t go how he expected!
You have a duty to your child to have a good relationship with their father, is he a good stepdad? is he jealous of other family/ friend relationships ? I would be wondering what he is doing as cheaters often project onto their DW

Phyllisve · 25/03/2025 16:53

FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 07:43

I will start with the backstory so as not to drip feed. When I met my husband I was still good friends with my ex who I share a child with. We had been separated 5 years and live at opposite sides of the country so good friends means chatting on the phone regularly, not always about dc, having a coffee at pick up (it’s a long drive so makes sense to have a rest). He was settled with someone else and happy, there was nothing in it but friendship.

My husband found this uncomfortable so I dialled back the contact to just about our child and then as child got older and got a phone I rarely speak to ex at all.

Yesterday I got a phone call from him at a time I would usually be in work. As it happens me and DH had a day off together and he was there when he rang. I answered the phone and EX sounded really upset, he had to leave the call but asked me to call him back soon.

My husband said I should put him on speaker phone when I call him back. He said it’s suspicious that he has rang me when I would be in work when he could have rang at the weekend.

I said I wasn’t comfortable secretly putting him on speaker as he sounded upset and he should be able to speak privately.

My husband insisted and said I was being dodgy and sneaky if I don’t and obviously have something to hide.

In the end I felt I had no choice so rang ex back on speaker and he told me why he was upset, something to do with his younger child with his partner, nothing to do with me but he was giving me a heads up as it will affect our shard child as they are his family.

So did I look like I had something to hide by being reluctant - YABU

or should DH have trusted me YANBU

Tell him if he doesn’t trust you then he shouldn’t be with you. Exactly what does he imagine you are doing with your ex on the other side of the country? Idiot man! How is he in every other respect- does he bully you often? He was well out of order to make you behave so sneakily towards your ex who was doing the right and proper thing by your shared DC. Listening in to a private conversation is VERY sneaky and a bit of a power play.

Original poster
FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 16:53

He is a great stepdad, much more involved than EX (EX moved hundreds of miles away, it was the right choice at the time).

I just think it is wrong to put someone on speaker without their knowledge and even more so when it’s clear they are upset. That’s why I felt so uncomfortable.

He thought everyone would agree how suspicious it looks that I was reluctant. I was doubting myself so thought I would just ask the question.

OP posts:
WoodyOwl · 25/03/2025 16:58

How would your husband feel if he wanted to confide in someone about a sensitive and upsetting personal matter and they put him on speakerphone without his knowledge? Your husband was totally in the wrong, and he should learn to trust you (especially after 5 years together and especially in relation to a man who lives on the other side of the country!). Total violation.

Doingmybestbut · 25/03/2025 17:09

🚩

And when your DH realised it was nothing suspicious and he was wrong, did he feel embarrassed and apologise profusely?

Padz · 25/03/2025 17:11

Wow! Agree with everyone on here!
Your DH is controlling and needs to respect your privacy!
I’m good friends with my ex and DH may not be completely comfortable with that but understands that we share a past (and children) and that sometimes involves needing to talk as friends.

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 25/03/2025 17:12

I think it was a red flag back in the beginning that you felt you had to dial back a good coparenting relationship to stop your DH from being uncomfortable. He sounds insecure.

I also think he’s a dick for the speakerphone thing: ex has a right to expect privacy, and if it’s something personal that affects your child or coparenting relationship he’s being a great ex by ringing you to discuss. DH needs to either trust you or leave you. He can’t be policing your relationships with other people.

I bet you adjust how you speak to male colleagues and friends in front of him, if you have any male friends. My guess would be you don’t have any, or you’ve phased those out too for making him uncomfortable.

Insecurity and controlling behaviour is deeply unattractive and escalates slowly over time without you realising. I think this is a good time to draw a line in the sand and make your boundaries clear so they aren’t eroded any further.

Delphiniumandlupins · 25/03/2025 17:13

Your DH is wrong. Mumsnet knows he is unreasonable and controlling. Mumsnet also knows that people who don't trust their partners are often cheating themselves!