Ex on speakerphone

[FeedThatDog]

I will start with the backstory so as not to drip feed. When I met my husband I was still good friends with my ex who I share a child with. We had been separated 5 years and live at opposite sides of the country so good friends means chatting on the phone regularly, not always about dc, having a coffee at pick up (it’s a long drive so makes sense to have a rest). He was settled with someone else and happy, there was nothing in it but friendship.

My husband found this uncomfortable so I dialled back the contact to just about our child and then as child got older and got a phone I rarely speak to ex at all.

Yesterday I got a phone call from him at a time I would usually be in work. As it happens me and DH had a day off together and he was there when he rang. I answered the phone and EX sounded really upset, he had to leave the call but asked me to call him back soon.

My husband said I should put him on speaker phone when I call him back. He said it’s suspicious that he has rang me when I would be in work when he could have rang at the weekend.

I said I wasn’t comfortable secretly putting him on speaker as he sounded upset and he should be able to speak privately.

My husband insisted and said I was being dodgy and sneaky if I don’t and obviously have something to hide.

In the end I felt I had no choice so rang ex back on speaker and he told me why he was upset, something to do with his younger child with his partner, nothing to do with me but he was giving me a heads up as it will affect our shard child as they are his family.

So did I look like I had something to hide by being reluctant - YABU

or should DH have trusted me YANBU

Either DH is a controlling idiot, he’s unattractively needy or he’s projecting how he would behave on to you.

Does he show signs of controlling behaviour, neediness or suspicious cheating activity in other areas of your life?

Hey there, Mr FeedThatDog…

Sorry to say but your DH is a dick. Once someone cheats themselves, they never seem to be able to trust again. Mind you, that's a him problem, not a you problem.

Husband is cheating on you, and projecting. LTB

So, if we all agree with him that you were sneaky and dodgy - you weren't, you were protecting a friend's privacy - then he'll agree with us, but if we say he's a controlling red flag then we're bitter old women who know nothing. Lovely win, win he's set up for himself there.

I'd happily prove him wrong but I can't because poor big man with the massive ego problem has to be right. He's a piece of work and if he wants to be respected then he needs to respect you. He needs to respect the good relationship you and your ex have set up for the good of your child. He either has to do those things or he has to fuck the fuck off because right now his behaviour is deeply unpleasant and unforgiveable without an apology and some sort of acknowledgement that he's being a bit of a cunt. Because he is.

A woman wouldn't be given sympathy for doing what OPs husband did, because it is coercive control, based on a lack of trust, with no foundation in truth. It is complete irrational behaviour from someone projecting their own deep insecurities on to their loved ones who have done nothing to deserve it.

I can be normal to have feelings of jealousy, but without any reason to suspect infidelity why would you assume automatically that something sneaky or dodgy is going on and that your wife is lying to you? Besides that, he isn't just an ex, he is OP's co-parent of their children, who unlike a normal ex partner, need to stay in contact with each other from time to time, luckily they have remained friends, and friends call each other when they have problems. This was quite clearly a problem due to the sudden nature of the call and even though the husband MADE his wife put the call on speaker so he could monitor the phonecall which proved there was no 'wrongdoing' he has refused to apologise for being wrong, AND being unreasonably jealous, insecure and coercive.

So why do you think she should reassure him? When he can't even muster an apology for accusing her of something that she has never done?

I'm just going to leave this here for you to look at, you'd do well to really take it in next time you think of controlling what your wife does or who she talks to, as it is a recognised type of ABUSE. There really is no justification for it, especially not ones that are all in your head.

Types of coercive control
Isolating you from your family or friends.
Controlling who you are allowed to see or spend time with.
Monitoring your behaviour (online or in person)

Usually, when they are so paranoid over nothing it means there hiding something. Loooook further

Utter bollocks!

It’s irrelevant whether it’s a man or a women in the relationship who is being possessive and controlling. Women don’t get a free pass to bully their partner into toeing the line to appease their feelings of jealousy.

The advice would be the same to a man or a woman, to keep your independence within the partnership and stand up to the partner. Appeasing jealous types only serves to make them think they are right.

So he's just a twat then?

About some things he really is yes. His favourite word at the moment is gaslighting. I am gaslighting him about everything lately. I suggested he should look up what it means.

Well he’ll to accept that he’s wrong now, won’t he. He has no reason to think anything is suspicious and this is controlling behaviour. Push back hard on this.

If you’d posted that he had an ex he was close friends with, had coffees with, and who had called at a time you’d normally not be around and you were suspicious you’d have got a lot of supportive posts telling you to trust your gut, and dump him immediately

You don't need to factor in your partner's feelings if those feelings are irrational, controlling jealousy. You shouldn't need to go to all sorts of lengths to reassure them over something objectively innocuous (because they will never be reassured, and they will demand more and more of you). If a woman "forced" her husband to put his ex on speakerphone I'd call her controlling as well.

It's just not normal, in a healthy relationship, to make any demands on how your partner conducts their other friendships (including with exes). I literally can't imagine DP or I even asking each other to put someone on speakerphone because we needed to be reassured. And I certainly can't imagine complying.

Those saying that appeasing insecurity and jealousy never works are so right.

You start off reassuring and end up doing back flips through hoops to prove that you are loyal and loving and it is never enough. You have never quite done enough to earn trust. There is always some minor indiscretion (in their eyes, perfectly normal behavior in other people’s eyes) that is blown out of proportion and used to justify not trusting you. If you dare push back against any of it, that is reason to be suspicious. If you have nothing to hide why wouldn’t you just do this or that small thing to prove it. It never ends. You never earn the trust.

100% this

He says YOU are gaslighting? That’s exactly what he is doing.

are you seriously reconsidering this relationship because it certainly sounds like you ought to. I’m not one to leap to LTB but such basic lack of trust and respect (let alone actual controlling behaviour) would just kill any feelings I had for him, personally.

are you happy?

(And actually I meant to add it’s really sad that your really healthy friendship with your ex, which is great modelling for your child, has had to pay the price for his insecurity, which sounds like pure projection from his own previous cheating)

Once a cheat, always a cheat. The fact he knows he is a cheat is why he expects you to be. After all, that would make you no better than he is. Then he could play the victim and holier than thou. it would also justify further control over you.
He is not going to change and will not alter his belief that you will cheat, if you haven’t already. He will believe that he just hadn’t caught you yet.

Your ex and you are great parents by co parenting sensibly and you should not have had to modify that to placate your idiot H

DH sounds like a dick. I think your relationship with XH sounds great, he's physically far away but emotionally and physically present for your DC, has a new partner and child he clearly cherishes who don't prevent you having a friendly relationship.

He likely rang you when he got the info about his child and as you say it impacts their half sibling.

Dh sounds far too controlling and mistrusting

Yes.
Either this or he has a guilty conscience about something which he is projecting onto you.
Whichever, provide him with honest and open answers to his questions, but don't let him bully you.

What exactly was he so suspicious of?!

You having an affair with your ex, who you split with 10 years ago, and lives hundreds of miles away??

Ffs, he needs to get a grip.

Cheeky bastard. How dare he. Insist he puts all his calls on answerphone.

Speaker not answer. I was annoyed while typing. I bloody hate men!

I'm going to say LTB. Sorry OP.

100%