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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex on speakerphone

104 replies

FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 07:43

I will start with the backstory so as not to drip feed. When I met my husband I was still good friends with my ex who I share a child with. We had been separated 5 years and live at opposite sides of the country so good friends means chatting on the phone regularly, not always about dc, having a coffee at pick up (it’s a long drive so makes sense to have a rest). He was settled with someone else and happy, there was nothing in it but friendship.

My husband found this uncomfortable so I dialled back the contact to just about our child and then as child got older and got a phone I rarely speak to ex at all.

Yesterday I got a phone call from him at a time I would usually be in work. As it happens me and DH had a day off together and he was there when he rang. I answered the phone and EX sounded really upset, he had to leave the call but asked me to call him back soon.

My husband said I should put him on speaker phone when I call him back. He said it’s suspicious that he has rang me when I would be in work when he could have rang at the weekend.

I said I wasn’t comfortable secretly putting him on speaker as he sounded upset and he should be able to speak privately.

My husband insisted and said I was being dodgy and sneaky if I don’t and obviously have something to hide.

In the end I felt I had no choice so rang ex back on speaker and he told me why he was upset, something to do with his younger child with his partner, nothing to do with me but he was giving me a heads up as it will affect our shard child as they are his family.

So did I look like I had something to hide by being reluctant - YABU

or should DH have trusted me YANBU

OP posts:
Pippyls67 · 26/03/2025 23:06

Wish people wouldn’t get defensive and take it personally when partners have trust issues. It’s always just part of their own history and is bloody painful and something people wish they didn’t have. You should feel sorry for him really- he’s obviously anxious and insecure for what ever reasons. Invariably it’s having been treated badly by other partners in the past. Look nobody’s perfect. It’s a pain I know but I bet he’d give anything not to feel like it too.

Freshflower · 26/03/2025 23:12

Your husband should have trusted you. Though I get why he might feel insecure, you have a child with this guy and we're friends but if it's all innocent, he should have trusted you. I would. You don't have to put him on loud speaker anymore than if you were talking to your family or other friends.

Isittimeformynapyet · 26/03/2025 23:35

Pippyls67 · 26/03/2025 23:06

Wish people wouldn’t get defensive and take it personally when partners have trust issues. It’s always just part of their own history and is bloody painful and something people wish they didn’t have. You should feel sorry for him really- he’s obviously anxious and insecure for what ever reasons. Invariably it’s having been treated badly by other partners in the past. Look nobody’s perfect. It’s a pain I know but I bet he’d give anything not to feel like it too.

Edited

If you struggle with insecurity due to past experiences you need to address it, with your current partner and with a therapist. Whilst understandable, it's not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Jealousy by it's definition is a negative and damaging emotion, for both parties.

Btw, writing your entire post in bold makes it look like you're quoting someone else.

Jumpers4goalposts · 27/03/2025 06:25

Your DH sounds a bit like a controlling dick. I think it’s really positive for the children when parents who are co-parenting actually can get on. Does DH restrict your friendship or communication with anyone else? I also think it’s wrong when someone speaks on loudspeaker when they have no informed the other person it’s an infringement of their privacy.

VisitationRights · 27/03/2025 06:33

Your husband is way out of line and exhibiting controlling behaviour. I find your phrasing ‘In the end I felt I had no choice’ really worrying. In a healthy relationship you should absolutely feel you have the choice. In what other ways do you appease him to have an easier life?

AlertCat · 27/03/2025 06:35

I have an ex who became furious when my dc’s dad brought flowers round for my birthday when he dropped dc back to me (for context she was far too young at the time to get me a present independently). He said nothing at the time but a few days later absolutely went off on one and became very aggressive and physical. So do be warned @FeedThatDog , this is not a good sign.

HoppingPavlova · 27/03/2025 06:37

I thought it was controlling but DH insisted it made me look suspicious and like I had something to hide. He even said to ask on here and everyone would agree that it looked sneaky to refuse

Well, best to let him have a look at the responses then so he can see that, in fact, most people don’t agree with him but consider this behaviour to be that from a controlling cunt, and it raises red flags.

padsi1975 · 27/03/2025 06:39

Not a CHANCE I would agree to this. I'm a grown adult and can speak to whoever I want. It is creepy and controlling for him to ask you this. It is creepy and controlling that you had to dial back the relationship. Jealousy is such a huge turn off, gives me the immediate ick.

AlwaysCoffee25 · 27/03/2025 06:42

Your DH is obviously feeling insecure and a little threatened. It’s not ideal - but I don’t think it’s worthy of the condemnation people are giving here. I would never insist on listening in but I wouldn’t be comfortable if my DH was keeping details of conversations with his exW private from me.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/03/2025 06:45

FeedThatDog · 25/03/2025 21:31

I would but as a PP pointed out, he will just say you are all bitter man hating old women.

He never accepts when he is in the wrong.

And there we finally have it: “he never accepts when he is in the wrong”.

Randomer27 · 27/03/2025 06:56

Pippyls67 · 26/03/2025 23:06

Wish people wouldn’t get defensive and take it personally when partners have trust issues. It’s always just part of their own history and is bloody painful and something people wish they didn’t have. You should feel sorry for him really- he’s obviously anxious and insecure for what ever reasons. Invariably it’s having been treated badly by other partners in the past. Look nobody’s perfect. It’s a pain I know but I bet he’d give anything not to feel like it too.

Edited

Anything… such as the much needed therapy? Have you had therapy for your jealousy? What about acceptance, (a) that your current partner shouldn’t be punished for what someone in the past did (b) that insisting on listening in to their phone calls, reading their messages and the like won’t stop them leaving, especially just to be alone/not with you (c) that treating someone like that isn’t a relationship at all, it’s wickedness and most importantly (d) that if you have these compulsions, you really should not be in a relationship with anyone.

It’s OK to pity someone, but at the same time, there is not requirement for OP to stay with someone who behaves like, nor is she required to accept any responsibility for her partner being absuive to her because of how one of his exes behaved.

Original poster
FeedThatDog · 27/03/2025 07:58

AlwaysCoffee25 · 27/03/2025 06:42

Your DH is obviously feeling insecure and a little threatened. It’s not ideal - but I don’t think it’s worthy of the condemnation people are giving here. I would never insist on listening in but I wouldn’t be comfortable if my DH was keeping details of conversations with his exW private from me.

I wouldn’t have kept it private, I would have given him the gist of what was said. I would be telling my child the information anyway so he would have known.

I just felt that EX sounded upset and as such he deserved some privacy to tell me something sensitive. I didn’t have any idea what he needed to tell me but the fact he had rung me at all was unusual these days so I knew it was important.

My DH didn’t accept that. He said you better not ring him back whilst I am in the shower, I want to be there. Then he wouldn’t actually get in the shower until I had rang back on speaker.

Saying I had something to hide and what didn’t I want him to hear. It was sneaky, dodgy, suspicious. I make it so hard to trust me.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeedThatDog · 27/03/2025 08:01

Pippyls67 · 26/03/2025 23:06

Wish people wouldn’t get defensive and take it personally when partners have trust issues. It’s always just part of their own history and is bloody painful and something people wish they didn’t have. You should feel sorry for him really- he’s obviously anxious and insecure for what ever reasons. Invariably it’s having been treated badly by other partners in the past. Look nobody’s perfect. It’s a pain I know but I bet he’d give anything not to feel like it too.

Edited

Of course people get defensive. But making me jump through hoops and follow rules and reassure him all the time it is negatively affecting my life.

It is horrible to be under suspicion constantly and it IS personal. At the end of the day it is ME that he is accusing of being up to something so how could it be anything other than personal.

I hope you don’t treat your partner like that. Your trust issues are yours to deal with. If you are so affected by your past relationship, deal with that alone before you start a new one. Don’t punish someone else for the crimes of others.

OP posts:
BeachRide · 27/03/2025 08:16

Why did you get together with a cheater? It was always going to cause problems. Anyway, he's out of line.

AlwaysCoffee25 · 27/03/2025 08:31

FeedThatDog · 27/03/2025 07:58

I wouldn’t have kept it private, I would have given him the gist of what was said. I would be telling my child the information anyway so he would have known.

I just felt that EX sounded upset and as such he deserved some privacy to tell me something sensitive. I didn’t have any idea what he needed to tell me but the fact he had rung me at all was unusual these days so I knew it was important.

My DH didn’t accept that. He said you better not ring him back whilst I am in the shower, I want to be there. Then he wouldn’t actually get in the shower until I had rang back on speaker.

Saying I had something to hide and what didn’t I want him to hear. It was sneaky, dodgy, suspicious. I make it so hard to trust me.

Show quote history

Yes that isn’t acceptable I agree and I agree that you shouldn’t have to have all your calls on speaker.

Pippyls67 · 27/03/2025 09:55

Randomer27 · 27/03/2025 06:56

Anything… such as the much needed therapy? Have you had therapy for your jealousy? What about acceptance, (a) that your current partner shouldn’t be punished for what someone in the past did (b) that insisting on listening in to their phone calls, reading their messages and the like won’t stop them leaving, especially just to be alone/not with you (c) that treating someone like that isn’t a relationship at all, it’s wickedness and most importantly (d) that if you have these compulsions, you really should not be in a relationship with anyone.

It’s OK to pity someone, but at the same time, there is not requirement for OP to stay with someone who behaves like, nor is she required to accept any responsibility for her partner being absuive to her because of how one of his exes behaved.

Show quote history

It’s sounds quite extreme to be fair.

StumbleInTheDebris · 27/03/2025 10:07

Saying I had something to hide and what didn’t I want him to hear.

Get him to explicitly state what he thinks this "something" is.

I don't think a relationship is feasible with this man because you can't prove a negative (no-one can) and that's what he will hold over you forever. He might as well get angry at you for not being able to sprout wings or grow a money tree.

Has he acknowledged that you didn't have anything to hide on that call or is he going to pretend you used some secret code word to alert your ex not to mention the wild affair / pensioner-scamming business/ secret lottery win that he thinks you have going?

StumbleInTheDebris · 27/03/2025 10:08

The fact he's cheated in past relationships goes hand in hand with this. I never could accept that, sorry!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 27/03/2025 10:36

My mind is saying if DH isn't trusting of you, is that a reflection on himself?

Sorry

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 27/03/2025 10:39

Isittimeformynapyet · 26/03/2025 23:35

If you struggle with insecurity due to past experiences you need to address it, with your current partner and with a therapist. Whilst understandable, it's not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Jealousy by it's definition is a negative and damaging emotion, for both parties.

Btw, writing your entire post in bold makes it look like you're quoting someone else.

Show quote history

She's giving a bold statement 😉

LadyDanburysHat · 27/03/2025 11:38

I think you have been too calm. Now that the call has taken place I would be telling him, you heard it, there is nothing untoward, do not ever ask me to put a call on speakerphone again.

Helen483 · 27/03/2025 13:58

LadyDanburysHat · 27/03/2025 11:38

I think you have been too calm. Now that the call has taken place I would be telling him, you heard it, there is nothing untoward, do not ever ask me to put a call on speakerphone again.

This.
And show him this thread and make him acknowledge how wrong he was. Inability/refusal to accept when he is wrong and apologise is a huge red flag!

DearDenimEagle · 27/03/2025 14:18

Pippyls67 · 26/03/2025 23:06

Wish people wouldn’t get defensive and take it personally when partners have trust issues. It’s always just part of their own history and is bloody painful and something people wish they didn’t have. You should feel sorry for him really- he’s obviously anxious and insecure for what ever reasons. Invariably it’s having been treated badly by other partners in the past. Look nobody’s perfect. It’s a pain I know but I bet he’d give anything not to feel like it too.

Edited

If someone has trust issues because they were cheated on, they should deal with it, not expect future partners to be cheats or why bother having a relationship. If they expect everyone to cheat, then they can’t be in a relationship.
Guys usually have trust issues because they know how they behave and judge their partners by their own standards. He cheated in the past, so he assumes everyone else is a cheat , too.
Feel sorry for him? No

Phyllisve · 27/03/2025 18:11

AlwaysCoffee25 · 27/03/2025 06:42

Your DH is obviously feeling insecure and a little threatened. It’s not ideal - but I don’t think it’s worthy of the condemnation people are giving here. I would never insist on listening in but I wouldn’t be comfortable if my DH was keeping details of conversations with his exW private from me.

He has trust issues because he cheated in the past with other partners so now he thinks everyone is like him

Theonewhoshallnotbenamed · 29/03/2025 18:29

The first thing controlling/manipulative men do is make out like the problem is you, rather than them - every time. Beware.

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