Ex on speakerphone

[FeedThatDog]

I will start with the backstory so as not to drip feed. When I met my husband I was still good friends with my ex who I share a child with. We had been separated 5 years and live at opposite sides of the country so good friends means chatting on the phone regularly, not always about dc, having a coffee at pick up (it’s a long drive so makes sense to have a rest). He was settled with someone else and happy, there was nothing in it but friendship.

My husband found this uncomfortable so I dialled back the contact to just about our child and then as child got older and got a phone I rarely speak to ex at all.

Yesterday I got a phone call from him at a time I would usually be in work. As it happens me and DH had a day off together and he was there when he rang. I answered the phone and EX sounded really upset, he had to leave the call but asked me to call him back soon.

My husband said I should put him on speaker phone when I call him back. He said it’s suspicious that he has rang me when I would be in work when he could have rang at the weekend.

I said I wasn’t comfortable secretly putting him on speaker as he sounded upset and he should be able to speak privately.

My husband insisted and said I was being dodgy and sneaky if I don’t and obviously have something to hide.

In the end I felt I had no choice so rang ex back on speaker and he told me why he was upset, something to do with his younger child with his partner, nothing to do with me but he was giving me a heads up as it will affect our shard child as they are his family.

So did I look like I had something to hide by being reluctant - YABU

or should DH have trusted me YANBU

I think it is quite obvious what is going through his mind, he thinks that he routinely rings you at work and he thought he had 'caught you out', any normal trusting relationship would assume that the reason for the timing of the call was because there was something wrong, and there was., so why would he not just jump to the obvious conclusion like you did?

Has he always been this jealous and controlling?

I hope he has apologised, but I very much doubt he has, he doesn't trust you at all and doesn't think he has done anything wrong.

I would not entertain ANY of this behaviour from your DH.

YANBU

Your current husband is a controlling arsehole.

You should NEVER pander to a controlling man as that will only encourage them to think they’re right.

There’s usually lots of compromise within a loving partnership to ensure both parties feel respected but when one party tries to control the other due to their unreasonable jealousy, that’s when you have to say NO very firmly as he’s not treating you respectfully as an individual but as if he owns you 100%.

If you’re unsure about something, ask yourself if you would happily do the same if you reversed the roles.

Your husband has a very low opinion of you, doesn't he?

Ime people judge others by their own standards. Has he ever cheated or behaved inappropriately with an ex?

Your husband’s insecurity is his problem not yours and I would have resented him telling me how to handle my relationship with the father of my child. My husband knows I speak to my exs and occasionally meet them for coffee etc as friends and I am comfortable with my husband doing the same with his ex-wife and his ex-girlfriend who I actually get on really well with! Distrust is born from insecurity, that’s a him problem not yours..

You are exactly right, that is what he was thinking.

No he hasn’t apologised as he thinks anyone would think the same in the circumstances.

Why does he think it looked suspicious? you gave him a very clear explanation of why you were reluctant and he disbelieved you then bullied you into doing something wrong. So he clearly doesn’t respect your wishes or your judgement. I hope he apologised profusely for being a suspicious, disrespectful and judgmental bully. Arsehole!

Not in this relationship as far as I am aware.

He has cheated and been cheated on in past relationships though.

Ah ! That’s why

Is he normally jealous of you. Has he done similar things in other circumstances or is it only with your ex that he becomes concerned?

I can see why someone might feel uncomfortable but the context is key. It's kind of belittling to you that he doesn't trust you.

My parents are divorced and my mum calls my dad for all sorts of reasons - if I've said he is really unwell for example. He's about to get remarried (civil partnership). I thought my mum would be annoyed but she doesn't care. She just wants what is best for everyone. Despite her shortcomings and the fact the marriage didn't work out its entirely possible to be civil and normal. There's no secrets between anyone.

I wouldn't go so far as an invite at Christmas or too frequent contact but I do think when you share kids and take a mild interest in each other then it's so much easier for the kids. Its like a shared commitment to be normal and everyone benefits. At the very least you don't wish your ex partner any bad.

Also as your child grows up they will sense any animosity from your partner.

Its definitely a conversation to keep having about trust until you are on the same page.

Or maybe he just doesn't understand or like the ex calling for no apparent reason. As a wife if the ex was calling my hubby I would not like it either but I doubt anyone would call me a bully and controlling... actually that said...🤣

Your DH is totally in the wrong and comes across as a controlling man. When you have a child with someone they will always be in your life and your DH needs to realise and accept this.

Nobody should be put on speakphone without being informed especially as your ex wanted to discuss a private matter regarding a minor.

There is absolutely no way I’d be speaking on speaker phone for anyone.

What next, checking your text messages??

You have already pulled back from your ex and he still isn’t happy.
He is slowly chipping away.

I think it’s incredible that you have such a good relationship with your DCs dad.
If everyone had this kind of relationship, it would really benefit the kids.

He did force her to put on speakerphone even though she explained why that was wrong

Right... and ??? So what if she explained , that doesn't mean he has to accept it anymore then a woman would accept her husbands ex calling. The point I was making (slightly lost on you ) is that if it was a woman 'forcing' her husband to put his ex on speakerphone there would be more sympathy. Also op should factor in her husbands feelings, not be more worried about the exs privacy. What on earth could he possible have to say that her hubby can't hear. The man is clearly feeling threatened and yes op should reassure him.

@MellowCritic I have already respected his feelings and backed off the friendship that I had with my ex for 5 years before I even met my husband.

I did as I was told by putting my ex on speak which proved I had nothing to hide and he hasn’t apologised for not trusting me.

I hadn’t done a thing wrong but I was told I was sneaky, I was dodgy and clearly hiding something. I didn’t know my ex was going to call. I barely speak to him out of respect to my husband yet I was made to feel like I was out of order.

Your husband is a controlling arse. It's quite normal to be on cordial terms with the father of your children. Only an insecure prick would have a problem with it.
You have done nothing wrong.

Ok you are The Husband, aren’t you?

@FeedThatDog so are you going to show him this thread?

Would love to know if you do.

He sounds a bit controlling, I wouldn't make a massive deal out of it, but yes I'd be definitely claiming the moral high ground on this one! 😋

Your H is a dickhead. He needs to sort out his jealousy issues before he ruins his marriage.

FWIW I have a great coparenting relationship with my XH. My DP also has a great relationship with his DS’s mum.

We both accept that these relationships are for the benefit of our respective DCs and wouldn’t dream of putting boundaries in place about when and how to talk to them. My XH occasionally stays at my house, and my DP has had occasion to stay at his ex’s house. He gets messages from her phone with strings of hearts and emojis (from his DS!) - thats just part of loving someone with kids from a previous relationship. His previous partner was absolutely not ok with that and it caused huge issues for them.

I’ll be honest and say that I wasn’t quite so relaxed about it with a previous partner, but in my defence the relationship started with him telling me how much his ex still loved him, would have him back tomorrow etc and they still argued about their break up on the phone. If it was just normal friendly chat I would have been much more at ease about it.

I would but as a PP pointed out, he will just say you are all bitter man hating old women.

He never accepts when he is in the wrong.

I think you & your ex sound like great parents. Why would your husband not be pleased that you’re friendly & united for you dc. He sounds controlling and there’s no way I would be putting anyone on loudspeaker to appease a grown man acting like a jealous 16yo.

Yeah in my experience men don’t like to know that you have support when they’re behaving unreasonably. Even some of the replies on here saying “if it was a woman…etc” like we’re just being unfair because of feminism 🙄