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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to help DD navigate the situation?

104 replies

Gaterade · 25/03/2025 07:31

DD is currently year 8 - 13 and a half - early September birthday.

DD has recently lost weight - in the past 4 months - and gone from 91st centile to 50th centile in weight. She’s done this through not eating at all between meals and cutting out milky tea/coffee.

One of the girls in her group is noticeably overweight and since DD has been a ‘normal’ weight, has called her ‘anorexic’ and has got others to ‘gang up’ on her - albeit not in a traditionally violent/aggressive way - just she seems to be the ringleader in keeping on at her at how her eating patterns are worrying, blah blah.

DD said she innocently talked about something else yesterday - a current pop song - as it happens and was accused by this ‘friend’ of ‘changing the subject!’

How can I help DD navigate this? I’m so proud of her for what she’s achieved and don’t want her mood brought down.

Just to say - I know the girls in DD’s friendship group - there are at least 2 girls in her group who are noticeably thinner than DD - one in particular would be well below the 50th centile - but I notice the ‘friend’ doesn’t have a go at either of them.

AIBU to be annoyed at this and just want to help DD navigate it?

OP posts:
LollyLand · 25/03/2025 07:33

Mine would be telling them to fuck off. Girls are bitchy over everything at this age.

Original poster
Gaterade · 25/03/2025 07:34

LollyLand · 25/03/2025 07:33

Mine would be telling them to fuck off. Girls are bitchy over everything at this age.

Thank you. I totally agree with this sentiment

OP posts:
ItsUpToYou · 25/03/2025 07:35

It’s a tricky one because it sounds like it’s coming from misplaced concern rather than spite. What’s your DD’s relationship with this girl like usually? Do you know her? What’s she normally like?

WhatAPrettyHouse · 25/03/2025 07:38

ItsUpToYou · 25/03/2025 07:35

It’s a tricky one because it sounds like it’s coming from misplaced concern rather than spite. What’s your DD’s relationship with this girl like usually? Do you know her? What’s she normally like?

I don't think it's misplaced concern, the girl is being passive aggressive.

Your DD should say something like 'my eating patterns are fine thank you.' And move on.

Original poster
Gaterade · 25/03/2025 07:38

ItsUpToYou · 25/03/2025 07:35

It’s a tricky one because it sounds like it’s coming from misplaced concern rather than spite. What’s your DD’s relationship with this girl like usually? Do you know her? What’s she normally like?

Yes I know her. Her and DD have become less close than they once were but are still in same group so no ‘falling out’. DD’s instincts were that when she (DD) was fat, this girl saw DD as a ‘soft touch’.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 25/03/2025 07:39

I don't think it's misplaced concern, I think like a lot of bullying (and thars what this is) it's jealousy.

Your dd has to be firm "stop obsessing about my weight, it's weird."

Merrygoround8 · 25/03/2025 07:40

ItsUpToYou · 25/03/2025 07:35

It’s a tricky one because it sounds like it’s coming from misplaced concern rather than spite. What’s your DD’s relationship with this girl like usually? Do you know her? What’s she normally like?

Really? I think it’s coming from spite that this girl is struggling with now being notably the biggest and not having a larger comrade. It continues into adulthood when people lose weight and their friends get cross they no longer have the fat friend!

She needs firmly telling “please stop commenting on my body”. And repeat.

I would also want to tell a teacher as it is bullying but appreciate in the friendship group it’s more complex.

Well done to your DD for losing weight in a sensible way. X

Original poster
Gaterade · 25/03/2025 07:40

MissyB1 · 25/03/2025 07:39

I don't think it's misplaced concern, I think like a lot of bullying (and thars what this is) it's jealousy.

Your dd has to be firm "stop obsessing about my weight, it's weird."

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Gaterade · 25/03/2025 07:41

Merrygoround8 · 25/03/2025 07:40

Really? I think it’s coming from spite that this girl is struggling with now being notably the biggest and not having a larger comrade. It continues into adulthood when people lose weight and their friends get cross they no longer have the fat friend!

She needs firmly telling “please stop commenting on my body”. And repeat.

I would also want to tell a teacher as it is bullying but appreciate in the friendship group it’s more complex.

Well done to your DD for losing weight in a sensible way. X

Show quote history

Thank you - I think your first paragraph nails it !

OP posts:
WhatAPrettyHouse · 25/03/2025 07:42

I agree with letting someone at school.know about these comments.

arcticpandas · 25/03/2025 07:42

Tell her to say that no, she's not anorexic neither is she binge eating. She's in to healthy eating.
Having said that..you need to keep an eye on her because starting to lose weight can become like a drug, especially in adolescence when they feel that they lose control over their developing bodies.

WhyamIanexhaustedEllie · 25/03/2025 07:44

ItsUpToYou · 25/03/2025 07:35

It’s a tricky one because it sounds like it’s coming from misplaced concern rather than spite. What’s your DD’s relationship with this girl like usually? Do you know her? What’s she normally like?

Bollocks. The girl is jealous.

InigoJollifant · 25/03/2025 07:45

arcticpandas · 25/03/2025 07:42

Tell her to say that no, she's not anorexic neither is she binge eating. She's in to healthy eating.
Having said that..you need to keep an eye on her because starting to lose weight can become like a drug, especially in adolescence when they feel that they lose control over their developing bodies.

Agree with this, I have a daughter the same age & would be keeping a very careful eye on this weight loss.

Spendthrifting · 25/03/2025 07:45

Are you sure that’s what your daughter is doing? That seems like quite a dramatic weight loss in a short time. I’m speaking as the parent of a child with anorexia.

Turnthelightoff · 25/03/2025 07:46

I agree she’s definitely jealous, as you say she had an idea of who your DD was and their roles in the group and feels like weight loss calls this into question. I think your DD needs to call her out as though it’s genuine concern though whilst finding a way to shut it down, even though we can see it’s jealousy I’d not encourage calling that out. Something like, honestly I appreciate the concern, it’s really nice to know people look out for each other but I made a few subtle changes and don’t have a problem but being challenged and drawing attention to me is upsetting and unnecessary.

0ohLarLar · 25/03/2025 07:49

The girls are being bitchy.

Only one thing to thing about however OP. 91st to 50th percentile weight in only four months suggests quite rapid weight loss - thats 12kg in 4 months - 26lbs.

There might be a degree of concern if she has lost weight quite rapidly as its very difficult to do that without more extreme dieting, especially at an age where most girls are still growing.

Original poster
Gaterade · 25/03/2025 07:49

Spendthrifting · 25/03/2025 07:45

Are you sure that’s what your daughter is doing? That seems like quite a dramatic weight loss in a short time. I’m speaking as the parent of a child with anorexia.

In 4 months she’s lost just under 2 and a half stone

OP posts:
0ohLarLar · 25/03/2025 07:50

Thats extremely fast weight loss at an age when girls are still growing and gaining weight. I'd be worried if it was my daughter.

Mwydryn · 25/03/2025 07:50

arcticpandas · 25/03/2025 07:42

Tell her to say that no, she's not anorexic neither is she binge eating. She's in to healthy eating.
Having said that..you need to keep an eye on her because starting to lose weight can become like a drug, especially in adolescence when they feel that they lose control over their developing bodies.

This is very true. It follows the patterns of disordered eating to think that others are obsessed with your weight, too- you think everyone is as obsessed as you. Maybe this friend has made a few comments and your DD is latching on to them. (No judgment btw, I have an eating disorder and I would be like this!)

Original poster
Gaterade · 25/03/2025 07:50

0ohLarLar · 25/03/2025 07:49

The girls are being bitchy.

Only one thing to thing about however OP. 91st to 50th percentile weight in only four months suggests quite rapid weight loss - thats 12kg in 4 months - 26lbs.

There might be a degree of concern if she has lost weight quite rapidly as its very difficult to do that without more extreme dieting, especially at an age where most girls are still growing.

Appreciate what you’re saying - but it still amounts to less than 2lb weight loss a week

OP posts:
KeyBored · 25/03/2025 07:51

Would also suggest keeping a close eye on your daughter. Mine lost a lot of weight around 15 to 16, couldn't help relishing the different attention and has had difficulty with disordered eating patterns ever since.

It's a tricky one because while being a normal weight is much better for her body, the obsessiveness is not good for her mind.

How sure are you that the other girl really is calling her anorexic, and that it's not a term coming from your daughter?

CheesePlantBoxes · 25/03/2025 07:52

Your daughter needs to be so careful not to rise to anything she says because this girl is clearly so angry at your daughter that she will be looking for an opportunity to escalate into group bullying. One wrong word and she will be telling everyone how your daughter called her fat. Her response needs to be something like "so tell a teacher then".

Definitely speak with the school even if you make it explicitly clear that you don't want them to raise it with the other girl but you're putting it on their radar in case it escalates into a she said/she said situation. Get ahead of it.

0ohLarLar · 25/03/2025 07:52

Also its highly unlikely she's had such sustained, rapid weight loss at that age solely by cutting snacks & milky drinks.

Happyfeet234 · 25/03/2025 07:52

If you want your daughter to be a complete laughing stock go to school and complain - I can’t believe people would go to school about this with 13 year olds. The girl is jealous as your daughter will be getting more attention than before probably from boys. It will more than likely fade away if your daughter keeps on ignoring her.

Original poster
Gaterade · 25/03/2025 07:53

Turnthelightoff · 25/03/2025 07:46

I agree she’s definitely jealous, as you say she had an idea of who your DD was and their roles in the group and feels like weight loss calls this into question. I think your DD needs to call her out as though it’s genuine concern though whilst finding a way to shut it down, even though we can see it’s jealousy I’d not encourage calling that out. Something like, honestly I appreciate the concern, it’s really nice to know people look out for each other but I made a few subtle changes and don’t have a problem but being challenged and drawing attention to me is upsetting and unnecessary.

Thank you I feel your first sentence nails it !

OP posts: