How to help DD navigate the situation?

[Gaterade]

DD is currently year 8 - 13 and a half - early September birthday.

DD has recently lost weight - in the past 4 months - and gone from 91st centile to 50th centile in weight. She’s done this through not eating at all between meals and cutting out milky tea/coffee.

One of the girls in her group is noticeably overweight and since DD has been a ‘normal’ weight, has called her ‘anorexic’ and has got others to ‘gang up’ on her - albeit not in a traditionally violent/aggressive way - just she seems to be the ringleader in keeping on at her at how her eating patterns are worrying, blah blah.

DD said she innocently talked about something else yesterday - a current pop song - as it happens and was accused by this ‘friend’ of ‘changing the subject!’

How can I help DD navigate this? I’m so proud of her for what she’s achieved and don’t want her mood brought down.

Just to say - I know the girls in DD’s friendship group - there are at least 2 girls in her group who are noticeably thinner than DD - one in particular would be well below the 50th centile - but I notice the ‘friend’ doesn’t have a go at either of them.

AIBU to be annoyed at this and just want to help DD navigate it?

Binge eating to no snacks and a rapid weight loss is definitely something to keep close eye on. Have you checked room for wrappers, could she be making herself sick.
At their age you can’t have eyes on them at all times. You have no idea if she’s throwing her lunch away. Mine ate evening meal but I suspect nothing else in day. Habits like drinking lots of water and fizzy pop to fill up. I moved her bed out to clean one day and found chocolate wrappers.
It spiralled very quickly and under my nose.

Yeah I would be a little concerned about the weight loss and would keep an eye on it. I was anorexic as a teen (and well beyond) and I became ridiculously sneaky. My mum had no idea until it got so bad it was obvious to everyone. I hope your DD is being sensible though, and doesn't lose any more and doesn't stress about food and treats. I always found that a healthy amount of exercise did me good as it kind of made me realise that I need food to fuel my body so I can do stuff and get stronger. (Although appreciate excessive exercise can be an issue too.)

No wrappers!

I really like this way to answer - short, to the point and assertive.

In andults especially, I’m always amazed that so many people respond to these comments - they’re clearly an attempt to get a reaction or get attention. Just an eyebrow raise and a comment like above and then move on.

weight drops off when you are young

What struck me is that you know the percentiles. Was she being monitored by a nurse for her weight? Why would you know this information if it's relaxed and just 'healthy eating'? I have had no idea of my children's centiles since they were about 2. The only time I was told something was when DS1 was weighed by a nurse on an asthma review and she said he was just above being underweight but didn't require intervention.

I'm just a bit worried if you are a bit obsessive over weight/food etc. yourself and this could have transferred to your DD now she's becoming more mature/ insightful etc.

The girl is jealous. I’d tell DD that sometimes people allow jealousy to steer their behaviour and say unkind things. That the best thing to do is feel sorry for the girl, and if she crosses a boundary again just calmly but firmly say “please don’t talk to me that way”.

That’s good but I’d definitely be wary. The friends saying about her eating patterns being worrying seems very specific.
If she’s not snacking at all she’s potentially going hours without food, school lunch is often early.

No nurse just checked online

I hate the armchair diagnosis that goes on on MN.

OP asked for advice on how her daughter can deal with someone calling her anorexic. The response here (apart from some useful posts) has been overwhelmingly to call her anorexic!

Weight drops off like water when you’re young. I remember in my 20s being able to lose weight over a couple of days by cutting out snacks so I could get into a bodycon dress on a Saturday. I was not anorexic!

Agree that weight does drop off if you don’t consume calories between meals

As many PPs have said, two things can be true. The friend is likely insecure/jealous, but has quite possibly persuaded even herself that she's simply concerned.

But as her mum i really wouldn't take the weight loss lightly either. I binged a lot aged about 13/14, had a few comments about my weight and decided to eat 1394 calories a day. I never technically became underweight in terms of BMI. I am not that tall. But I am naturally curvy, and I never should have lost as much weight as I did. It became an obsession, my periods stopped, I looked visibly underweight/bony, and it utterly dominated my life for about a year before I suddenly snapped out of it after a casual comment from an acquaintance. I would definitely keep an eye on her.

I do think we need to be careful about labeling teen girls "jealous" these girls are going through their own stuff and branding them jealous because their friend has lost weight/better looking/cleverer etc etc just sets girls and then women against each other.

Not armchair diagnosis just a concerned mum. Mine is 19 now and eating ok but it was surprising how quickly things escalated and how thin my DD became very rapidly. Looking back there were lots of things I missed.
It’s an absolute minefield as some things are healthy habits eg drinking more water, not snacking but it can tip into unhealthy eating habits quickly. My dc was never diagnosed as anorexia.
The girl might just be being a bitch but commenting on eating patterns is very specific.
If I was op I’d be watching like a hawk over next month what is actually being eaten not assuming. Keep talking to dd - car or midnight they often are more chatty. Look for red flags like filling up on calorie free drinks, drinking water by the bucket full, avoiding social occasions with food - is she not going because girl is being awful or because she doesn’t want to eat/drink.

5'1" weighing 7st 9lbs at 13 isn't 50th percentile, more like 65th.

She's achieved a good weight, rather quickly but as long as she maintains and doesn't lose more rushing to eating disorder is a bit of a stretch.

It's quite telling that you referred to your daughter as fat before though.

Ok I got it wrong then

@Gaterade at a similar height and weight to your DD yes she was overweight and is now healthy and 2 stone when you are a titch is very noticeable to the eye.

At her age I was 7 stone and in my 20s was even less at one point!!! Still managed to get accidentally pregnant 🙈

Even now I can lose weight fairly easily by stopping the snacking.

Perhaps as part of her stock response as well as thanking them for their concern is something about it was difficult giving up her sugar addiction but she feels much healthier for it? Put an even more positive spin on it 😉

Thank you - that’s a good idea! ❤️🙌

Why would you do that? Have you been weighing her before/after etc? I have no idea what my 16yo DD weighs. She looks healthy so that's fine. She probably fluctuates a bit but I would have no idea.

😂 at misplaced concern

Teenage girls have no concern

"Omg you must be anorexic to lose all that weight."
"That is an interesting thought, but alas, you're just not very clever."

or try "Fuck off you jealous fat cow"
should do the trick.
Congratulations to her for doing so well.
Is she physically active too? How about trying judo if she has the misfortune to be amongst a crowd of bullies?

Than you and no shes not particularly physically active!

Weight loss amongst a group of girls that age will cause significant issues. Even in my twenties, I lost a good amount of weight and the women where I worked were upset. I wasn't the slightly plump colleague anymore, I was suddenly slim. The jealousy was palpable. The "don't loose too much weight, you'll be ill" type comments got boring very fast.

Your DD needs to shut this girl's monologue down fast. Some PP have given good ideas to shut her up.