How to help DD navigate the situation?

[Gaterade]

DD is currently year 8 - 13 and a half - early September birthday.

DD has recently lost weight - in the past 4 months - and gone from 91st centile to 50th centile in weight. She’s done this through not eating at all between meals and cutting out milky tea/coffee.

One of the girls in her group is noticeably overweight and since DD has been a ‘normal’ weight, has called her ‘anorexic’ and has got others to ‘gang up’ on her - albeit not in a traditionally violent/aggressive way - just she seems to be the ringleader in keeping on at her at how her eating patterns are worrying, blah blah.

DD said she innocently talked about something else yesterday - a current pop song - as it happens and was accused by this ‘friend’ of ‘changing the subject!’

How can I help DD navigate this? I’m so proud of her for what she’s achieved and don’t want her mood brought down.

Just to say - I know the girls in DD’s friendship group - there are at least 2 girls in her group who are noticeably thinner than DD - one in particular would be well below the 50th centile - but I notice the ‘friend’ doesn’t have a go at either of them.

AIBU to be annoyed at this and just want to help DD navigate it?

I’d tell school. Encourage dc to say don’t comment on my body and keep talking to your dc and watching carefully.
My dd lost a lot of weight at 13/14. She cut back and then it spiralled and was barely eating - she collapsed one day hitting head on wall. Looking back friends did say things sometimes that I probably should have been more alert to but it was lockdown and everything was out of sorts. DD hid it very well.
The girl might be being mean but she might be seeing disordered eating you aren’t eg throwing lunch away, drinking fizzy diet pop to fill her etc. It’s too big a weight loss in too short time to be just from cutting out snacking.

Please get your DD to stand up for herself, I really wish I'd encouraged my DD to tell others to Fuck off and that it's really ok to do so. She was so badly bullied and constantly tried to understand everyone and help them, she took far too much. She's now nearly 19 and in a horribly abusive relationship trying to save and fix her scumbag boyfriend. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone

I would also be more interested in looking into your daughters weight loss. You are obviously happy about her weight loss and perhaps she knows this - don't let this stop you from seeing that something else might be going on here.

Although I'm 57, I lost just under 2 stone in weight in 7 months by weighing my food and eating 1400 calories a day, sometimes not achieving that. However it wasn't just cutting out snacks between meals as the most I would have was a biscuit and not every day and I don't drink sugary milky tea or coffee.

2 1/2 stone in 4 months in a teenager in my opinion is quite drastic and too quick. Well done to her realising that healthy eating is a good thing though.

This is bullying. I used to be very slim naturally. I often got nasty remarks from overweight girls. Remarks about me unhealthy etc

I girl I lived with at Uni who was very overweight and bossy. She referred to me as the “scrawny little fucker”.

It's the other girls problem. Your daughter should tell her to dry up that her behaviour is very wierd.

Another mother of an anorexic teen here, I would be very concerned about that amount of weight loss in that space of time in a growing teen girl, you need to keep a very close eye on her, as has been said it’s like a drug to them and it spirals very quickly, even you commented how proud you are of her - that’s not the thing you say to a teen girl! And it’s very unlikely to have been just cutting out snacks and milky drinks!

Lots of good suggestions as to how your DD can manage this, but bottom line, if this girl continues her behaviour, then either you or your DD needs to get staff involved. The dynamics have changed - well done to your DD for loosing weight but this other girl is bullying her. Maybe leave til after Easter break but don't let it continue indefinitely.....

Absolutely!!!

Yes she eats normal portions and yes happy to hang round

My Dd is 28 but I remember the 13/14 as if it was last year, it was a horrible time
, girls are trying to work themselves out they want to fit in they don't want picked on so just turn on each other! Personally I'd get in touch with the teacher who is in charge of your Dds pastoral care let them know what is going on with this group of friends ask how best to deal with it, if it escalates.

Say to your own Dd just say she's absolutely not anorexic she's fine thanks for "caring" don't talk down about the friends but acknowledge they are being mean.

She was 10 stone at 5 ft 1 to begin with

shes now 7 stone 9 (at 5 ft1)

Sh but my DD was binge eating quite extensively before

@Gaterade definitely the other girl is jealous.

It sounds like jealousy. I’d suggest your daughter try saying something like “you seem quite hung up on me/my weight/my actions at the moment (insert as appropriate) do you mind telling me why?”
It’s amazing how turning things around like that can diffuse a situation.

The other kid might actually be inwardly quite upset she is now the ‘large one’ and is lashing out as a result.

What you've said is over a 2lb loss per week.

And that's a huge amount to lose in a very short time when you're only 5'1", the 2lb guidance is aimed at much taller adults.

I am short myself and there's no way I could lose that much even if I exercised more on top.

She must have been eating at least half her food as snacks before that it was adding that many calories, because 50 cals of milk a time wouldn't scratch the surface.

I think her saying to the general group (with a smile)

"it is toxic to comment on other girl's changing bodies, it's 2025, we should do better"

This is the kind of language used on Tiktok and will effectively shut her down.

If she says anything else, a head tilt and a "hmm" but no response should do it.

It will make the "friend" look very silly if she keeps up.

So she DOES have an eating disorder, if she was previously binge eating. The other girl may well not be wrong then if she is seeing a complete about turn and rapid weight loss like this.

I agree. I think it’s easy to jump to the “bitchy” stereotypes with girls, but in my experience few people, including teenage girls, are actually intentionally malicious. Misguided and ineffective communicators, perhaps, but not that many people are purposely spiteful.

That is a not a healthy weight loss. At all.

This 💪🏻

This

This is far more complex than the other girl simply being "a bitch".

Being an overweight teenager is really hard, especially in the age of social media. DD's friend is likely feeling very anxious, insecure and embarrassed about now being the only one in the friend group who isn't slim. Maybe on an unconscious level she is worried that her friendship with your DD will change now they no longer have this in commen. Maybe, because your DD appears to have lost so much weight so quickly her friend is under impression it was 'easy' for her, she may be wondering "why isn't it easy for me?" When girls this age fear rejection or judgement they often go on the defensive and lash out. I'm not saying it's OK, she shouldn't be commenting on other people's bodies but I think it's not necessarily fair to demonise this child. She may need some support.

Your DD has lost a lot of weight in a short time, people are going to notice and comment on this unfortunately. Teenagers are very aware of Mental Health and eating disorders now and so it is quite natural when when someone in their peer group noticeably loses weight they will wonder whether there is something going on. This may well be a mixture of envy, insecurity but also genuine concern which given the significant weight loss may not actually be misplaced and is definitely worth keeping an eye on.

There’s another girl in the group who definitely isn’t slim - possibly very slightly overweight

Yeah this really

I would be concerned that your daughter is at risk of developing a restrictive eating disorder.
You say that she used to binge eat- what support did she get to help her deal with this? A sustained loss of 2lb/week over 4 months is dramatic and above what would be recommended on any of the food tracking apps like my fitness pal etc. Indeed it would come with a health warning.
Binge eating is satisfying an emotional need. Restrictive eating also satisfies an emotional need. And she has been praised for it. I would be concerned that your daughter could be swapping one disordered eating pattern for another.
Do you see her eat? Is she weighing food? Only eating certain foods?
My daughter was tipping into the upper end of reasonable weight as a young teen before she started restricting. In the beginning I didn’t really notice-and tbh was secretly pleased that she was eating less- until I realised what was happening. It has been a very difficult few years trying to get on top of it since then.