How to help DD navigate the situation?

[Gaterade]

DD is currently year 8 - 13 and a half - early September birthday.

DD has recently lost weight - in the past 4 months - and gone from 91st centile to 50th centile in weight. She’s done this through not eating at all between meals and cutting out milky tea/coffee.

One of the girls in her group is noticeably overweight and since DD has been a ‘normal’ weight, has called her ‘anorexic’ and has got others to ‘gang up’ on her - albeit not in a traditionally violent/aggressive way - just she seems to be the ringleader in keeping on at her at how her eating patterns are worrying, blah blah.

DD said she innocently talked about something else yesterday - a current pop song - as it happens and was accused by this ‘friend’ of ‘changing the subject!’

How can I help DD navigate this? I’m so proud of her for what she’s achieved and don’t want her mood brought down.

Just to say - I know the girls in DD’s friendship group - there are at least 2 girls in her group who are noticeably thinner than DD - one in particular would be well below the 50th centile - but I notice the ‘friend’ doesn’t have a go at either of them.

AIBU to be annoyed at this and just want to help DD navigate it?

Gaterade

She is a growing child who hasn't yet attained adult weight/build. Its incredibly rapid.

For children the more normal guidance is to lose very little weight usually but to grow/age into the weight. It is healthier.

Has she stopped losing weight now?

Two things can be true at the same time.
There can be jealousy within the group about your daughter’s dramatic weight loss, and your daughter may be struggling with disordered/restrictive eating.

Out of interest, was she always 91st centile? My eldest DD has always always been 91st+ centile - that’s her natural body shape. My middle DD (who is also a Sept born Y8) has always had a much slimmer body shape.

Has your dd started her periods yet?

Yes she was always 91st. Yes she’s started periods

Yes

This.

It's not. It's jealousy and insecurity. The child who is now the odd one out is lashing out and the others who are slimmer are possibly playing along rather than become targets themselves.

No one is suggesting complaining about the comments. However it sounds like the situation could easily tip over into bullying and the school need to be aware.

Sorry OP but I have to add to the voices of concern. My friend's DD of the same age started off with healthy weight loss as she was a little overweight and it developed into full on anorexia. That's a lot of weight to lose in a short time. Does she eat a normal portion for dinner, and is she happy to hang around with you after meals?

I think the girl who is picking on the DD here probably feels like she’s lost a friend. Her formerly overweight friend has changed, and she feels she’s lost a friend and is hitting out. I would explain that to DD. She’s probably feeling isolated and uncomfortable about her own body.
Her behaviour is not acceptable. I can remember a girl at school who was overweight used to call me an ugly, fat bitch constantly, and usually in company, and I was like a string bean as a teenager. I was taught to be ‘nice’ and said nothing. I wish my mum had taught me how to stick up for myself.
It doesn’t have to be in retaliation, but DD needs to be firm…
I’ve lost weight for my health, and it’s my business.
You seem to mention my weight a lot. Are you ok?
You seem to be unhappy with me. Are you upset?
If your DD spoke to this girl one-on-one she might drop the facade, but that’s a brave thing to do at 13.

I think you need to arm your DD with some good come backs to this girls jealousy and snide comments.

This girl is no longer your DD friend and she needs to end the friendship and distance herself from her. This often happens when someone who was overweight loses weight, you see it all the time with adults, jealousy and resentment kick in from “friends” who wish they could do the same.

Build up your daughter’s self esteem and self confidence so that she can respond, not in a mean way, but firmly to let this girl know she won’t tolerate this bullshit.

I thought this too....dramatic weight loss in a very short time (speaking as the mother of an anorexic child).

Regardless, the "friend" still sounds like a bully

I am an adult and after therapy my therapist has armed me with a few phrases.
Have you quite finished - is it my turn now?
Is that your honest opinion of me or are you just trying to demean me?
That’s an interesting point of view.
The third one really confuses people. You can see their minds searching for a response.
Wish I’d been taught them in Year 8!

If she’s on the 50th centile then she is fine - so she should continue to eat three meals a day and drink mainly water with some milk. That’s what mine both did and neither was overweight.

Tea h your DD some responses - perhaps increasingly firm so she can step them up if necessary.

I’m eating healthily - three meals a day and no snacks.

I’m on the 50th centile - I’m just where I need to be!

I’m not anorexic, you idiot ( insert stronger word if she wishes).

Each one said with a cheery, breezy tone and a big smile!!

But - remind her not to say anything about the other girl’s weight as that will probably cause her problems with school staff, no matter how tempting.

Agree with pp that's quite extreme weight loss for a teen and could easily lead to issues as the increased attention can be difficult to resist. Ans two things can be true at once, the girl may be part concerned and also struggling with feelings of jealousy.

Assuming your daughter is healthy, not losing any more weight etc she needs to take her friend to one side and say thanks for your concern, I understand its coming from a good place (even if its not) but I've stopped losing weight now and my weight is bang in the middle of a healthy bmi, I'm not underweight by any means so please can you stop commenting on my body as its making me uncomfortable

Actually schools nowadays do want to know about these types of situations. We had a talk when our kids starting secondary school from the head of year saying tell us the little things and that helps us help all the children involved before it gets into a big situation. Lots of possible things going on here: jealousy, genuine concern, the ops daughter raising concerns about themselves in a roundabout way. Schools would absolutely see it as their role to help with all those situations. Pastoral care is a huge part of schools nowadays although as always some schools handle it better than others.

Anytime this 'friend' mentions your daughters weight or makes comments, your daughter could respond with "what an odd thing to say' as casually as possible.
Every time.

In my opinion though she doesn't exactly sound like much of a friend.

Around the same age, I lost a considerable amount of weight over a shot period of time (not purposefully, I just walked a lot going out with my friends) and none of my friends made any comments like your daughter is getting.

Keep an eye on her to make sure it doesn't continue as she will and should develop curvier bits over the next 3 or so years - but as for "growing" into your weight, I hit 5ft3 at 13 and here I stand 5ft3 age 40!

That's a lot. How overweight was she to begin with?

Ah it’s pure jealousy. My daughter has been through this. She’s 19 now. She just naturally slimmed down during year 7,8 and 9 as she got taller. She’s been called too thin, anorexic and all sorts and she has politely told people to bog off.

91st or 50th centile for weight means nothing without her height associated with it, particularly at an age where she is probably close to her adult height.
I would similarly be concerned about that kind of weight loss if all she has done has cut out snacks and milky drinks.
The friend may be concerned and not expressing it maturely, because she is 13. Or she may be a bully. As she is at school with her, it is possible she is seeing your daughter cutting out more than you realise.

Yes she is jealous. I've come across bitchiness by people of all ages. I've never understood it as you just carry on trying to live your best life and not hurting anyone, its like your disliked just for breathing. I hate it when children's young lives are spoilt by nastiness.

I think she should say 'why are you body shaming me?'
Get the girl to think about what she's doing here. Would she like someone constantly talking about her weight? Calling someone anorexic because they lost some weight is completely unacceptable.

As an aside though - are her eating patterns worrying? Is this girl seeing something you're not ie she's skipping lunch?

As I tell my younger colleagues, you know you’re succeeding when others put you down. Your DD should take it as a backhanded compliment.

Your DD should focus on herself. As she has been. If people aren’t pleased for her, that she’s achieved what she set out to do, they’re not her friends.

My advice to your DD would be to have a quiet, gentle and confidential word with the ‘ringleader’ and ask why she’s doing it. What’s she hoping to achieve? Is she feeling OK? That’s the mature thing to do. It gives the friend a safe space and opportunity to maturely say she’s worried your DD may have an eating disorder. Or she feels jealous your DD has lost weight when she hasn’t. In turn, it’s your DD’s chance to say she’s finds it spiteful and unpleasant, even if not intended.

If the ‘friend’ doesn’t respond well to a chat, I suggest your DD distances herself from her. Not a dramatic falling out and blocking. Just keep her distance and look to hang out with nicer, more mature people. She’s got her whole life to befriend all the kind, supportive people there are in the world. If you encounter people who aren’t, shed them like a skin.