Takeaway caused a big reaction from my sister

[GracieJonies]

I just want to say that my parents past away 3 and 5 years ago so it's just me and my sister. Also my sister is older than me and I don't know if it's relevant but she has high functioning autism.

I moved in with my sister and her 3 kids in the first week of January because my previous flat and flatmates were becoming a bit too much. I have been looking at new flats but they are either too expensive or too far out of the area for work. I buy my own food, laundry, I do my own laundry, cooking and cleaning and babysit for free for my sister. I give her money every month to go towards bills and that. Whenever I go to the shops I offer to get things for my sister so she doesn't have to go out. Something she doesn't offer to me. My sister is quite stingy with money. She buys a takeaway for herself and sometimes for the kids. She doesn't ask me if I want anything which I'm okay with.

Yesterday I finished a 15 hour shift and was shattered so on the way home I decided to get a takeaway. Nothing fancy just some chips, burger and a drink. I was very quiet when I got in so I didn't wake anyone. I assumed everyone was asleep but then my kitchen came to the kitchen. I greeted her and she asks if j got her anything. I said that I didn't because it was just a last minute thing and assumed she would be asleep. She looked angry and said I should have asked her before going upstairs. I didn't think too much of it so once I finished eating I went upstairs. I didn't leave any mess to clean up.

This morning I woke up a bit later and saw a long paragraph text message from my sister saying I was selfish and didn't think about other people and need to do better and more. I was quite shocked by it because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't reply because I had another shift today (and I didn't know how to reply) so I had to get ready for it and when I went downstairs no one was around so I went to work. I just kept having that text message play on my mind and a few hours later I got another message from my sister saying she was disappointed in me because I didn't reply. I was getting upset land a work colleague asked if I was okay and I explained to him about what had happened. He said my sister was out of line and I didn't do anything wrong. He spoke to his wife and they offered to let me stay with them for a few days which I did accept. I had things like my phone, charger, purse and bank cards and my work colleague's wife offered some clothing and toiletries if I need them which I thanked her for.

My sister can be overwhelmed at times and has been known to lash out but I haven't had this kind of reaction from her before. I know I can't avoid her forever but atm I don't know what to expect or what to do. Sorry for any grammer mistakes! My mind is racing as I'm typing.

You shouldn't be staying with your sister and her three children, she's got enough on her plate. It's probably not about the takeaway is the wider situation. You need to stand on your own two feet. You left your last flat because your housemates were a bit much.....

Yanbu but you need to move out. This isnt working

You need to have a set amount that you give her a month and stop "paying" in other ways like babysitting and offering to get her things etc.

I am ND and I need very clear structure and understanding of expectations. Perhaps your sister sees you getting food for her as you making up for paying cheap rent?

I don't condone how she acted though. It was unkind and her communication needs work.

If I had to hazard a guess, she feels used by you (rightly or wrongly) and it has built up and this has caused it to all come out.

Being autistic isn't an excuse, but we can have very black and white ideas about right and wrong.

I think sitting down with her and saying you appreciate living there and would like her to come up with an amount she would be happy with and then neither of you need to worry about "extras". Phrase it as she is important to you, so you want to do this to protect your relationship.

It sounds like she's finding it difficult having you in her home and it's coming out in petty ways.
Not nice but understandable tbh, she shouldn't have to house you, you should find somewhere else to live ASAP.

I don’t think you did anything wrong by not asking if she wanted anything from the takeaway but I think you’re absolutely making a mountain out of a molehill now, essentially running away from the situation and hiding out at a colleagues over a couple of shitty texts. Both of you, it seems, are prone to dramatics!

I think your sister resents you living with her for free (I assume you're not paying rent?). You need to move out, to avoid damaging your relationship.

I don't think it is fair to cast her as miserly (even if she usually is) in this context of her doing you a massive favour of providing free accomodation. This isn't about the takeaway. Things will be fine again when you sort out your living situation properly. In the meantime, reassure her (again) that it was not your intention to be rude or mean re the takeaway and reiterate your gratitude for her letting you stay in her family home. Resist the urge to defend yourself regarding the takeaway, it is a complete smokescreen. She thinks you are ungrateful about staying with her, and/or not bothered enough about the impact on her to do anything about your living arrangement - that's the big deal here.

I agree with PP that not engaging with her and instead running away to stay with someone else isn't the right approach here. You're going to have to speak to her again (!), she's your sister not a temporary flatmate you've had a falling out with, so think long term.

You need to move out. It’s clearly a double standard about the takeaway, but she holds all the power so there’s nothing you can do. She sounds pretty unpleasant to be honest. I had a friend who used to send me long nasty texts when she decided I did something wrong. You’ll notice I said “had”. I get that you don’t want to stop being friends with your sister over a takeaway, but you absolutely must move out and rebuild your relationship on more equal terms.

I don’t think you did anything wrong by not asking if she wanted takeaway late at night.

Sounds like it was the straw that broke the camels back, and no matter how much she tells you she’s happy about it- she doesn’t want you living in her flat anymore. Time to move on.

I think you’d be better going back to the flat, smoothing things over with your sister and reassuring her you’re looking for somewhere else. Running to a colleague’s house and wearing other folks clothes over a text message is a overreaction imo.

How much do you contribute every month?

I think you’ve over reacted to her annoyance. Ultimately, she’s doing you a massive favour. You don’t need to add to the drama, just say sorry I honestly thought you’d be asleep, I’ll get you and the kids a takeaway next week, and maybe a bunch of tulips as a gesture of appreciation for her putting you up when you needed help.

Why are you free-loading accommodation off of your sister?

It says OP gives her money each month to go towards bills. Whilst it doesn't say how much she clearly isn't freeloading off of her sister. Read the OP.

This all sounds very intense. It's probably time to give her back her space. I'd tell her you're looking for a new spot and express sincere gratitude for the time you've been spending there. Not worth falling out over a burger.

@Franjipanl8rREAD the OP she isn’t free loading off her sister she is paying her sister to stay there!

I would fine it extremely difficult having an adult sibling live with me. She's got enough on her plate, she probably feels a bit suffocated and taken advantage of, and the takeaway just tipped her over the edge, even though it's not the actual issue. Just apologise, say you were super tired and treat her to a takeaway this week. By not responding and going to your colleague's house, you are making it a lot worse.

How much do you actually give her? The going rent for a room in a shared house round my way is 550 - 700.

I agree with apologising and saying you were really tired at the end of your late shift and just didn’t think. Then treat her to a meal. Having three kids and a sibling in a house must be full on for her

I find this so weird. I have a totally fucked up family who pick and choose when they want to help so maybe I’m skewed on this but I do believe families should help each other. I think this country has absolutely decimated itself with its anti-family ways. In other countries people look after their family and friends. Generations live together. They have a village. Here we reject family, hold no loyalty or responsibility or duty of care for each other, then cry about how we’re lonely. It’s so counterproductive. If op is having a tough time, why shouldn’t she stay with her sister?

I give her money every month to go towards bills and that.

Why isn’t the OP paying actual rent though?

'It's not about the takeaway...'
This times 100.

You did nothing wrong but clearly (for your sister anyway) it's not about the takeaway.

The fact that she is so immature that she has to TEXT you what she is harping on about rather than use her words as a grown adult speaks volumes. I would have replied with a few laughing emojis followed by a few GIFs of burgers.

The OP just needs to find a new house share like every other normal human who doesn’t have kids and can’t afford to rent a flat of their own.

I'm curious why you aren't paying her rent ?

Either she was tired and/or annoyed and decided to lash out on you that particular day or she’s just looking for ways to start a fight because she doesn’t want you there any longer.

But you won’t know until you two talk. She was out of line but not replying (takes seconds) and then staying elsewhere was OTT, in my opinion. And I generally avoid confrontation.

If you do stay, have a set amount agreed on. Vagueness will build resentment.

Plenty of people live with family with little to no issues. What’s not normal is the concept that relatives (siblings, at that) can’t possibly live together.