Takeaway caused a big reaction from my sister

[GracieJonies]

I just want to say that my parents past away 3 and 5 years ago so it's just me and my sister. Also my sister is older than me and I don't know if it's relevant but she has high functioning autism.

I moved in with my sister and her 3 kids in the first week of January because my previous flat and flatmates were becoming a bit too much. I have been looking at new flats but they are either too expensive or too far out of the area for work. I buy my own food, laundry, I do my own laundry, cooking and cleaning and babysit for free for my sister. I give her money every month to go towards bills and that. Whenever I go to the shops I offer to get things for my sister so she doesn't have to go out. Something she doesn't offer to me. My sister is quite stingy with money. She buys a takeaway for herself and sometimes for the kids. She doesn't ask me if I want anything which I'm okay with.

Yesterday I finished a 15 hour shift and was shattered so on the way home I decided to get a takeaway. Nothing fancy just some chips, burger and a drink. I was very quiet when I got in so I didn't wake anyone. I assumed everyone was asleep but then my kitchen came to the kitchen. I greeted her and she asks if j got her anything. I said that I didn't because it was just a last minute thing and assumed she would be asleep. She looked angry and said I should have asked her before going upstairs. I didn't think too much of it so once I finished eating I went upstairs. I didn't leave any mess to clean up.

This morning I woke up a bit later and saw a long paragraph text message from my sister saying I was selfish and didn't think about other people and need to do better and more. I was quite shocked by it because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't reply because I had another shift today (and I didn't know how to reply) so I had to get ready for it and when I went downstairs no one was around so I went to work. I just kept having that text message play on my mind and a few hours later I got another message from my sister saying she was disappointed in me because I didn't reply. I was getting upset land a work colleague asked if I was okay and I explained to him about what had happened. He said my sister was out of line and I didn't do anything wrong. He spoke to his wife and they offered to let me stay with them for a few days which I did accept. I had things like my phone, charger, purse and bank cards and my work colleague's wife offered some clothing and toiletries if I need them which I thanked her for.

My sister can be overwhelmed at times and has been known to lash out but I haven't had this kind of reaction from her before. I know I can't avoid her forever but atm I don't know what to expect or what to do. Sorry for any grammer mistakes! My mind is racing as I'm typing.

Maybe the sister doesn’t want any rent being paid as it would give OP more of a legal right to live there

You’ve lived with your sister since January! I’d think that’s probably it. Having another person in your house, especially when she’s busy with three kids, is really stressful.

No, a lodger paying room rent still has bugger all legal rights so that’s a non starter.

Op this man offered you a place to stay for a few nights because you told him your sister got mad over a takeaway? I wouldn't bother going. What's a few nights going to change and you dont need to go to a strangers house surely. Going on purely what you said. If youre this considerate to your sister and she really can't see this then you really do need to move out or sit down and have a talk. If perhaps maybe you have missed out other detail that might the cause of your sisters upset then again you need to consider moving out or at the very least sit down and talk to find a way forward.

There’s lots of speculation ranging from the the op is freeloading all the way up to the op is the most generous guest ever - which is quite bizarre given the op hasn’t detailed her contribution in any meaningful way whatsoever.
‘free babysitting’ essentially means nothing - is that once in the 3 months or every day?
‘contribution to the bills’ again means nothing - £10 a week and thus not even covering her own extra bills, or £50 a day?

there isn’t really enough information here to work out who is the more wrong - but who is the more wrong doesn’t actually matter - all that matters is the sister doesn’t want the op to live there any more, and probably hasn’t for a while.

although there were a few pointers in the op to suggest the op isn’t the Saint some people have decided she is. Especially given it’s written from her pov. ‘I do all my own laundry’ - of course you do, that surely goes without saying! Flouncing off to a colleagues sofa because of a text. The fact that she couldn’t live with other people. The fact that it’s perfectly reasonable for her to live with her sister, because elsewhere is too expensive, yoo far; which suggests an entitlement rather than gratitude.

based on the post, op helps out and is giving her sister money so your reply doesn't make sense. She gives free baby sitting , cleans up after herself and so on...did you read the post ? That's not to say there isn't a wider issue as you put it but your reply doesn't even match up to the post . Dont reply to ppl just for the sake of it because it's not helping anyone understand or work thru their issues.

The last place you lived became too much, and now your sisters place is too much? Some money towards bills and doing for yourself with a bit of childminding is actually not paying your way - and she has herself and three children to manage for, then her sister on top of that. If you can't afford /don't want a single available place in the area, then that is telling. And it's probably telling her that you won't ever be moving out from this temporary arrangement. I suspect she's regretting her offer by now so this was not about a takeaway, and a lot about how she is feeling with another adult in the house. Your response was to run away and ignore her. I suspect that when you finally decide to get in touch, your bags may be packed and waiting.

OP, when you moved in with your sister did you have a longer term plan for moving out to your own place or did you assume you’d live there forever?

Sadly, you do sound annoyingly passive agressive by moaning to your work colleague instead of talking to your sister and I can’t even begin to imagine your thought processes that said ‘sure, moving in with a work colleague and his wife is the ideal solution’, rather than replying to your sister’s text to say “let’s have a chat to clear the air”.

Living with a guest for longer than a couple of weeks and with no end date in sight is liable to make anyone tetchy so it’s in your interests to communicate better with your sister. Plus if she’s ND, then she’s more likely to appreciate direct and clear communication rather than avoidance or hinting.

Agreed. Both as bad as each other in terms of drama, but in essence your autistic, single parent of 3 children sister, is massively helping you out. This must be harder work for her than it is for you, yet you don't seem to appreciate that.

The fact that you think it’s okay to stay at a colleague’s now says a lot tbh. You couldn’t stick the flatshare so you landed on your sister for months. You can’t stick that so you’re landing on your colleague. People get pissed of with those who don’t take care of themselves unless they’ve got a good reason like being a child or unable to work etc. It’s time you got your own place even if it’s not in your ideal location, or another flat share and keep your head down.

You’re not being unreasonable but you have outstayed your welcome. Make plans & get out of there long term 😊

I predict another post from the Op in a couple of months complaining about the colleague and his wife who have asked her to move on from their spare bedroom.

And about how unreasonable the colleague is, even though she does her own washing ( in their machine using their electricity ) and ironing and the colleague never offers to do her ironing even though he does his wife’s. And how his wife gave her free toiletries but it’s not the brands she likes, as the wife is a bit miserly .

It's time to move out, I think. The rights and wrongs of the takeaway situation don't really matter. You two seem unable to discuss issues in an adult matter so likely the situation will only deteriorate.

Start looking for somewhere else.

Yes it would but that is obviously the level that this silly little girl is at so may as well use ‘her language’.

I think it’s probably not just about the takeaway BUT
…

in terms of triggering her, she was probably just hangry 🍔!

Absolutely correct.
You need to move out.

For me it depends on what you mean by got back late. If you got back at 9pm then I think just bringing back an extra portion of chips would've been kind. If you got back at midnight then not so much.

This isn’t about the takeaway. You need to find a new place asap, it doesn’t sound like your sister signed up to long-term cohabitation . In the meantime you need to work out a fair contribution to all rent, bills etc because it doesn’t quite sound like you’ve been doing that so far.

Good advice

have a chat with her. You sound considerate.

Try for a room in a shared house - you’ll get on better when there’s some space between you again. You did nothing wrong - she’s taking out her frustration on you.

She says she gives some money but the way she has worded it makes me pretty certain it’s not anything like her fair share of rent and bills. Cleaning up after herself is the minimum she should be doing, same with throwing her sister the odd favour of babysitting (given the huge favour the sister is doing for her). The the OP is taking advantage of her sister.

I’ve been in the sister’s shoes before, when a friend/colleague came to stay for a few weeks while she looked for her own place and was still there 9 months later. She wasn’t paying her way either because I didn’t ask for it initially thinking it wasn’t necessary for such a short term thing.

YABU, it was insane to even begin to believe moving in with your sister and her three kids would work out. She has enough on her plate without supporting you. The whole 'oh that rental is too expensive, too far away' is probably grating on her as she assumed you'd move in briefly but then find a new place ASAP rather than be picky about it. Get your own place to live and it may salvage your relationship in time.

Sounds like you've outstayed your welcome. Time to find your own place. Room in a house share perhaps? Borrowing clothes from a colleague's wife rather than having a conversation with your sister is a huge overreaction, and very immature. Grow up, work out your differences and find a solution pronto.

What lovely colleagues.
Time to look for any room and move out asap.
This is not working out.
Your sister is in the wrong, but you need to move out without delay.

Overall, i tend to agree with everyonen else - you've stayed too long. I don't know what the set up is, but even if your sister has a spare room, and you're paying a decent amount towards the bills, it is likely to be very frustrating having you there all the time in her space. You dont mention also if she has a partner who might also be a bit tired of having to share his space with his sister in law.

You can be the most considerate person int he world, but staying too long in someone else's space is almost always going to create a problem.