Takeaway caused a big reaction from my sister

[GracieJonies]

I just want to say that my parents past away 3 and 5 years ago so it's just me and my sister. Also my sister is older than me and I don't know if it's relevant but she has high functioning autism.

I moved in with my sister and her 3 kids in the first week of January because my previous flat and flatmates were becoming a bit too much. I have been looking at new flats but they are either too expensive or too far out of the area for work. I buy my own food, laundry, I do my own laundry, cooking and cleaning and babysit for free for my sister. I give her money every month to go towards bills and that. Whenever I go to the shops I offer to get things for my sister so she doesn't have to go out. Something she doesn't offer to me. My sister is quite stingy with money. She buys a takeaway for herself and sometimes for the kids. She doesn't ask me if I want anything which I'm okay with.

Yesterday I finished a 15 hour shift and was shattered so on the way home I decided to get a takeaway. Nothing fancy just some chips, burger and a drink. I was very quiet when I got in so I didn't wake anyone. I assumed everyone was asleep but then my kitchen came to the kitchen. I greeted her and she asks if j got her anything. I said that I didn't because it was just a last minute thing and assumed she would be asleep. She looked angry and said I should have asked her before going upstairs. I didn't think too much of it so once I finished eating I went upstairs. I didn't leave any mess to clean up.

This morning I woke up a bit later and saw a long paragraph text message from my sister saying I was selfish and didn't think about other people and need to do better and more. I was quite shocked by it because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't reply because I had another shift today (and I didn't know how to reply) so I had to get ready for it and when I went downstairs no one was around so I went to work. I just kept having that text message play on my mind and a few hours later I got another message from my sister saying she was disappointed in me because I didn't reply. I was getting upset land a work colleague asked if I was okay and I explained to him about what had happened. He said my sister was out of line and I didn't do anything wrong. He spoke to his wife and they offered to let me stay with them for a few days which I did accept. I had things like my phone, charger, purse and bank cards and my work colleague's wife offered some clothing and toiletries if I need them which I thanked her for.

My sister can be overwhelmed at times and has been known to lash out but I haven't had this kind of reaction from her before. I know I can't avoid her forever but atm I don't know what to expect or what to do. Sorry for any grammer mistakes! My mind is racing as I'm typing.

If OP's sister isn't happy with their current situation, she could have raised the issue in a calm, measured way instead of being triggered by a takeaway and freaking out in text messages. It does sound like there's tendency to drama on both side, though. It's probably best to find another place to live to keep the peace. Some people just aren't meant to cohabitate.

If someone moved in with me while they were looking for a new place to rent I would expect them to for a few weeks tops… I expect your sister is frustrated that you all the places are either too expensive or too far out!! I think it’s not the takeaway but she is over you being in her space.. time to find somewhere else even if it’s not perfect

In what way was the sister 'freaking out' though?.. OP said this:

This morning I woke up a bit later and saw a long paragraph text message from my sister saying I was selfish and didn't think about other people and need to do better and more.

I'd say that was pretty calm and measured follow up to some quite obvious underlying tension.. OPs reaction of not replying and crying to a colleague so much that they have offered to take her in, and she hasn't been back or contacted her sister is the one I would describe as freaking out to be fair!

You need to text her the truth and tell her that she is stingy and that she has never once bought me takeaway so why should you have to?

I call it a freak-out to first confront OP in the kitchen, then write a long text saying she's selfish, all because OP neglected to bring her food for once. Following up with another "I'm disappointed in you" text chiding OP for not replying (while she's been either sleeping or working most of the time)? Yeah, I think it's a bit of a freak-out, but we don't have to agree on that.

A mature response would have been talking to her about it face to face or at least not sending multiple texts all because OP didn't offer to bring home a takeaway when the sister herself doesn't do that. Maybe she's not happy with their current set-up, but she needs to tell OP what needs to change, not overreact to missing out on some free junk food.

(And I did indicate that both of them seem to be a little prone to drama and overreaction.)

I really cannot understand the sheer nastiness on this thread, from the majority of posters, what's the matter with you people? There have been so many assumptions made about the OP not paying rent, and while I agree that it's probably a case of her sister being fed up with having a house guest, I really don't think there is any need to assume that the OP, just decided she was unhappy in her house share, and moved in without her sister having any say in the matter.

OP, it does sound like you've over reacted a bit to your sisters text, but then none of us know just how aggressive she was to you over the takeaway, and you were clearly upset by it. So I would take the advice of a previous poster, and text your sister to say that due to the long shifts you're doing at the moment, a colleague has offered you the opportunity to stay with them for a few days, and you'll be back on whatever day. Then when you go back, tell her that as she's obviously finding it an imposition having you there for so long, you'll be doing your best to find something else as soon as possible, but in the meantime, is there anything else you can do to make life a bit easier for her, ie, does she need more money, want you to do other tasks around the house, etc. Although it does sound to me like you're doing everything that a good house guest should do.

I actually don't think that the OP should necessarily be paying rent, unless her sister asked her to, as in my family, we would always be happy to provide a roof over the head of a family member if they needed it, provided they pay for food, and contribute to bills, while doing everything possible to help out around the house.

Good luck finding a new place OP, and please don't take too much notice of the nasty response you've had to your post.

What? No because elderly parents and grandparents live with families and rely on them for “free” help. And yes, a grandparent providing help (free childcare as you say) is a natural part of the human village. In many cultures friends and elders and people outside direct family even help out. Everyone works together. Why does everything in our culture have to be compared to work. “Free childcare” is a bizarre thing to say if you think about it. Human beings have only very recently started paying people to look after their kids, yet grandparents have been looking after children for millennia and pitching in while the parents (younger and fitter for physical roles such as hunting) do their bit for the village. There is a biological reason we have attachments which last beyond childhood. In the case of siblings too.

humans are not animals which detach after physical independence kicks in. We’re pack animals. We’ve just forgotten this.

I am from one of those countries. It looks like you have a rose tinted view of other cultures.

You’ve outstayed your welcome, best to move on now.

She has 3 kids. That’s incredibly expensive so no wonder she’s frugal. And is she a single parent? You’ve hinted at that. Now she has you in her home as well. I’d be tetchy with you if you’d stayed since January. I think YABU to still be there 2 plus months later. I don’t think you were bu not to get her the takeaway though.

I have a close family member like this. She is on the spectrum and one of her trigger points is food. It's a control thing. I lived with her and she hated everything I cooked for her. She would not notice when she was hungry, not eat for hours, then be beyond hungry and be really angry and not know why.

If I wanted a takeaway she would want one too, but get annoyed with the place I chose, and want to change it and be really annoyed about the whole thing. Also she would definitely not pull her weight with the cleaning, but also criticise my cleaning all the time.

Really it's best if you find somewhere else because it doesn't seem like introspection is something your sister is capable of. My family member always thinks we should live together and seems to forget how much it all annoys her too.

A guest that’s been there for 3 months nearly?

She”s not an invited guest as far as I can see, her DS allowed her to move in as she wasn’t happy where she was. Now nearly three months later, she’s still
not found any where?

She’s out stayed here welcome and her DS should Neve have been providing food in any way whatsoever. She’s a lodger not a guest.

You need to stop living with other people. Flat mates, sister, work colleagues

You’ve been living in her home for three months, ffs! What should have been a couple of weeks stopgap while you got somewhere to stay has become taking the piss. She has three children, she doesn’t need a sibling lodger dossing as well.

She’s “stingy”? Again, three kids.

You have made such a fuss about it to a workmate that his wife is offering to loan you clothes while you stay. What a drama llama.

You’ve made a ridiculous fuss and sound childish.

No it’s not harsh, she’s a lodger not a guest, for three months!

The sister justifiably wants her home back, so would I.

If OP didn’t like it there, with her DS not only putting a roof over her head, but not feeding her takeaways as well, well move on, maybe her next LL will buy her takeaways?

Yeah… this isn’t about the takeaway. You need to move out.

When you moved in did you say how long it would be for?

I'd happily offer to house someone (friend or relative) who seemed upset and desperate to get away from shitty flatmates (if you're visibly upset enough over a minor spat with your sister, that a colleague has offered you a place to stay and clothes, like you're an abused spouse, then I'm guessing you also appeared similar when talking to sister about your flatmates) but I'd also expect the houseguest to get a new place ASAP, not to be picky about the cost or location. I'd expect you to move out and be skint or have a long commute, and be grateful you didn't have to stay with the shitty flatmates whilst you were looking for your next flatshare. I wouldn't expect you to still be there in my spare room months later, no matter how helpful you were being or how much you were paying, because if I wanted a flatmate I'd have let you know I was advertising for one.

If you were still there with me months later and I realised you were looking for an entire flat of your own, whilst saying they're all too expensive and buying takeaways, I'd be secretly angry and seething with resentment that you'd thought it ok to put on me like that. I'd be sitting you down (when I'd calmed down myself) and saying nicely look I know I said you could stay for a bit but it's not working, I really need my space back and I need you to move out by the end of next month at the very latest, no matter what.

I suspect there's been a mismatch in expectations between you two.

I'm also quite shocked that you shamelessly put upon your colleague when you've no real need of his kind offer.

She needs to go and collect her clothes and belongings, stop putting on her work colleague and start looking for a flat on her own, with flatmates that aren’t “too much”

Maybe after that, she may have time for text tennis,

Honestly, borrowing clothes etc is acting like someone that’s being moved away from a violent partner and is too scared to return to the property for belongings.

Start renting somewhere else because it's obviously not working to live with your sister or mooch off your colleague instead. He's certainly very kind to let you come stay over some nonsense like this. Sounds like being over dramatic runs in the family for you both really.

OP has said that she gives her sister money every month towards the bills.

If you spend a lot if time on edge, trying to please someone, worried about causing offence, yet still find yourself 'in trouble' for reasons you don't understand, then, partner, parent, friend or sister, its always time for some distance.

Yes I assumed this means she contributes towards shared bills eg food, internet but her accommodation is free, as she made no reference to rent or lodgings. If my assumption is true, then the arrangement is very generous on behalf of her sister, because nearly all of the financial savings/advantage are with OP. I'm not trying to chastise OP - clearly they came to this arrangement together and that's fine. However, the reaction to the takeaway and the content of her sister's texts, suggests that resentment is now building and it's time to do something about it.

What a disgusting accusation.

Firstly she already said she gives money and secondly everyone needs help and support at some point or other.

I hope ypu enjoyed behaving like a nasty piece of work and kicking someone while they are down.