Takeaway caused a big reaction from my sister

[GracieJonies]

I just want to say that my parents past away 3 and 5 years ago so it's just me and my sister. Also my sister is older than me and I don't know if it's relevant but she has high functioning autism.

I moved in with my sister and her 3 kids in the first week of January because my previous flat and flatmates were becoming a bit too much. I have been looking at new flats but they are either too expensive or too far out of the area for work. I buy my own food, laundry, I do my own laundry, cooking and cleaning and babysit for free for my sister. I give her money every month to go towards bills and that. Whenever I go to the shops I offer to get things for my sister so she doesn't have to go out. Something she doesn't offer to me. My sister is quite stingy with money. She buys a takeaway for herself and sometimes for the kids. She doesn't ask me if I want anything which I'm okay with.

Yesterday I finished a 15 hour shift and was shattered so on the way home I decided to get a takeaway. Nothing fancy just some chips, burger and a drink. I was very quiet when I got in so I didn't wake anyone. I assumed everyone was asleep but then my kitchen came to the kitchen. I greeted her and she asks if j got her anything. I said that I didn't because it was just a last minute thing and assumed she would be asleep. She looked angry and said I should have asked her before going upstairs. I didn't think too much of it so once I finished eating I went upstairs. I didn't leave any mess to clean up.

This morning I woke up a bit later and saw a long paragraph text message from my sister saying I was selfish and didn't think about other people and need to do better and more. I was quite shocked by it because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't reply because I had another shift today (and I didn't know how to reply) so I had to get ready for it and when I went downstairs no one was around so I went to work. I just kept having that text message play on my mind and a few hours later I got another message from my sister saying she was disappointed in me because I didn't reply. I was getting upset land a work colleague asked if I was okay and I explained to him about what had happened. He said my sister was out of line and I didn't do anything wrong. He spoke to his wife and they offered to let me stay with them for a few days which I did accept. I had things like my phone, charger, purse and bank cards and my work colleague's wife offered some clothing and toiletries if I need them which I thanked her for.

My sister can be overwhelmed at times and has been known to lash out but I haven't had this kind of reaction from her before. I know I can't avoid her forever but atm I don't know what to expect or what to do. Sorry for any grammer mistakes! My mind is racing as I'm typing.

Surely it’s obvious that this isn’t about the takeaway, but that your sister doesn’t want you living there? Read between the lines. And that’s her choice, it’s her house. It doesn’t matter how many things you list that you do and pay brilliantly, she clearly doesn’t want you there.

I can understand where she’s coming from tbh. Having lived on my own for a bit now, with my kids, I know I’d rather live on my own than even with the best other person ever.

It’s very stressful living with other adults who aren’t your partner while raising 3 DC. Siblings wind each other up even when they love each other and are doing their best. We just get on each other’s nerves and can snap over random things when tension builds up. I was a bit horrified that you’d moved in with your sister and kids as an adult. I know it happens and she was probably okay with it in theory, but in practice it’s much better to preserve the relationship by having space. Live somewhere you can afford and then you can enjoy your takeaway in peace and not have these petty issues with each other.

Which would be way more immature than the texting.

w

You should be paying rent, not just chipping in for bills, so rent plus bills plus a bit more for the inconvenience and the fact you are probably using her wash8ng machine and furniture.

1. send your sister a message saying you are truly sorry you upset her, you genuinely though it would be too late for her to want food
2. Tell her you have more long shifts and your colleague has offered a bed for a few nights and when you get back you can talk about how things are working.
3. Tell her you don’t want to upset her, family is important, you love the kids and are worried that she is feeling crowded, so let’s talk, see you Wednesday (or whenever: be clear)

Then when you are back say you have tried to help, babysitting etc. You are grateful to her, would have brought a burger but the two of you have done good separately, and you thought it was late, etc

It's not about the takeaway (which is a double standard if she doesn't buy you takeaways).

When you're looking after kids, it can be annoying having child-free people present. My parents come to stay sometimes and it's nice but it can definitely be irritating when I'm struggling with small children and they're just sitting there happily reading the news. I don't say anything because I know they're my kids to deal with but I'm human and I do feel annoyed. I suspect your sister might be feeling similar, overwhelmed with parenting and your presence almost just rubs it in (not through any fault of yours). I'd just call it out as not working and amicably move out.

Wtf. You just went to work and left the house? Moving into a random colleagues without any of your stuff? This is very odd behaviour.

You're borrowing your colleague's wife's clothes instead of just going back to your sister's and grabbing a bag? That is so cringe. You're not in any danger, you're not being abused, she's just irritated.

Ah but this village only works one way and is taken to mean free childcare

She obviously feel taken advantage of, and this is how it's manifested itself.

You're making the situation worse by leaving for days and borrowing clothes etc from a virtual stranger, rather than going back and talking like adults.

Yep If you havent got living proof that you have had sex without contraception get thee to a houseshare

And your colleague offered to house you and his wife let you borrow her clothes because….because, your sister sent you an irritated text?

This makes no sense. That’s what you’d do if someone was being abused. Not because they had a spat over a burger.

I agree with this. I understand why you didn’t reply straight away, but a simple ‘I’ll text you back on my break / on way home / chat to you when I get in’ would have sufficed in response to her second text. Running off without a word was OTT and probably giving her another reason to get further annoyed.

Just say exactly what you said here - hey, I thought you would have already been asleep so I didn’t get you anything. I’ll ask next time’. If she pushes - ‘I assumed we didn’t order takeaways together, as usually I see you and the kids with one and I’m not included. We can ask each other going forward’.

Longerterm, I hope your flat search is successful soon!

They aren't living there for free. I guess you missed the bit when they said

I buy my own food, laundry, I do my own laundry, cooking and cleaning and babysit for free for my sister. I give her money every month to go towards bills and that. Whenever I go to the shops I offer to get things for my sister so she doesn't have to go out. Something she doesn't offer to me. My sister is quite stingy with money. She buys a takeaway for herself and sometimes for the kids. She doesn't ask me if I want anything which I'm okay with.

Do you have a bedroom at your sisters? If you are on the sofa/in the living room I'd have had enough of that by now too in fairness.

It's definitely not about the takeaway, that is just the catalyst to vent her frustrations. You should have replied or had a chat with her.

Running off to a colleagues house seems incredibly immature, not to mention the fact that you are now putting on them.

Both you and your sister sound like quite difficult people.

Your sister was being hypocritical by moaning about the takeaway, but you sound very over-reliant on other people. You effectively made yourself homeless because you didn’t like your flatmates and then landed yourself on your sister instead of finding alternative accommodation. Surely you could have considered what else you could afford before you moved in with her, rather than moving in and essentially saying ‘Sorry but I can’t afford to move out now’? And staying with a colleague, without even collecting clothes, phone charger etc first, just because you had a angry text message from your sister is ridiculous.

What I'm getting at is that her sister is presumably paying for the mortgage or rent, whereas OP isn't paying any rent. Her share of staying in the house seems to be free (with the exception of some babysitting). Any adult in any living situation can be expected to do their own or make a fair contribution towards laundry, cleaning etc. And making a contribution towards bills which will be higher because she is also living there is a very different matter to paying rent. She is being enormously financially advantaged by this situation in a way that her sister isn't, I presume. Unless she is paying her sister rent, but has omitted to say so.

There's nothing inherently wrong with that - her sister might have wanted to help her out, help her to save. But I think there is some resentment going on, and I think it's interesting that the sister is being called miserly when/if she is actually massively helping OP out by offering rent free accomodation. If someone put me up like that, I'd be going out of my way to be grateful and generous with gifts etc. And perhaps, more importantly, looking to resolve my situation asap.

Thank you! It sounds like the sister is benefitting from having the OP around, but if the sister is going to act like that over nothing, the OP needs to go back to her shared house and work it out with the housemates or find a new shared accommodation.

Baffled as to why posters here think the OP was mooching off the sister when she is pretty plain in saying, "I give her money each month towards bills". That isn't freeloading by any stretch.

This is MN in not it's finest. Color me shocked. 😎🙄

This is a difference of opinion re what "money towards bills" means I think. I take that to mean, a nominal amount towards extra costs related to electricity / water / WiFi / Netflix / whatever that does not have a major financial benefit to the person hosting and does not remotely compare to the costs of a mortgage or renting. But perhaps others take that to mean a more significant contribution in rent so that the financial benefits of the living arrangement are more equally shared between the sisters. OP could perhaps clarify.

Why should she live with her sister? She wasn’t homeless. She was living in a flat share - she just didn’t like her flatmates and decided the solution to that was to move in with her sister and her three kids.

Siblings do not have a ‘duty of care’ over one another just because they’re related. The OP is not a dependent. Her sister has a duty of care over her kids, not her adult siblings. Relationships borne of obligation are unhealthy and bitter. And no, we aren’t the only country where people aren’t expected to be responsible for their adult siblings - in most Western countries this isn’t a thing.

Yeah I agree the way OP lists the cooking and cleaning etc makes its sound like she’s ever so good, while it’s actually the basics that a grown up does to look after themselves. Moving out of her flat because her flatmates were ‘a bit too much’ is vague and might suggest OP isn’t good at living with others. Plus she’s been at sister’s since January, looking at other flats but rejecting them, which might make sister feel like this is going to go on and on. She’s not OP’s mum and she has 3 dc of her own to house. There’s no reason she should provide for OP any more than OP should provide for her, but as the older sibling it seems to have fallen on her to house OP. Some sisters might be fine with this, but others can’t even hack a family holiday without carnage. This has clearly hit its limit and OP needs to grow up and have a proper conciliatory conversation and agree a timetable for moving out, not run away like this and fuel the tension.

That is true. I figured she was giving her an appropriate amount that would be enough to cover rent/mortgage, even if it's all lumped under "bills".

We have our DS living with us, and he just gives us a set amount every month, that covers everything and then pays for some things that are luxuries for us to enjoy. Then he does his own laundry, cleaning up, etc. and takes care of our lawn and house maintenance that my DH cannot do these days.

Perhaps OP will come back and make it a bit more clear. She should pay at least as much as she did with the house share, plus some extra for wear and tear.

OP should also not "stay away" from the sister, because that's like hiding and not facing the problem. Face it, work it out and if it still isn't working, move out.

Just an observation- if householder sis renting, she could be classed as having a sub tenant if she charges rent. Best kept to 'sis staying with me temporarily'.
The OP seems to be contributing to additional financial costs.
But time to move on. I'm not sure your colleague gave you the best advice, tbh.

You are in the wrong here OP. You need to stop looking for others to bolster your position, speak to your sister and pay your way properly. Alternatively find your own place because she has got enough on her plate.