Takeaway caused a big reaction from my sister

[GracieJonies]

I just want to say that my parents past away 3 and 5 years ago so it's just me and my sister. Also my sister is older than me and I don't know if it's relevant but she has high functioning autism.

I moved in with my sister and her 3 kids in the first week of January because my previous flat and flatmates were becoming a bit too much. I have been looking at new flats but they are either too expensive or too far out of the area for work. I buy my own food, laundry, I do my own laundry, cooking and cleaning and babysit for free for my sister. I give her money every month to go towards bills and that. Whenever I go to the shops I offer to get things for my sister so she doesn't have to go out. Something she doesn't offer to me. My sister is quite stingy with money. She buys a takeaway for herself and sometimes for the kids. She doesn't ask me if I want anything which I'm okay with.

Yesterday I finished a 15 hour shift and was shattered so on the way home I decided to get a takeaway. Nothing fancy just some chips, burger and a drink. I was very quiet when I got in so I didn't wake anyone. I assumed everyone was asleep but then my kitchen came to the kitchen. I greeted her and she asks if j got her anything. I said that I didn't because it was just a last minute thing and assumed she would be asleep. She looked angry and said I should have asked her before going upstairs. I didn't think too much of it so once I finished eating I went upstairs. I didn't leave any mess to clean up.

This morning I woke up a bit later and saw a long paragraph text message from my sister saying I was selfish and didn't think about other people and need to do better and more. I was quite shocked by it because I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I didn't reply because I had another shift today (and I didn't know how to reply) so I had to get ready for it and when I went downstairs no one was around so I went to work. I just kept having that text message play on my mind and a few hours later I got another message from my sister saying she was disappointed in me because I didn't reply. I was getting upset land a work colleague asked if I was okay and I explained to him about what had happened. He said my sister was out of line and I didn't do anything wrong. He spoke to his wife and they offered to let me stay with them for a few days which I did accept. I had things like my phone, charger, purse and bank cards and my work colleague's wife offered some clothing and toiletries if I need them which I thanked her for.

My sister can be overwhelmed at times and has been known to lash out but I haven't had this kind of reaction from her before. I know I can't avoid her forever but atm I don't know what to expect or what to do. Sorry for any grammer mistakes! My mind is racing as I'm typing.

Exactly this.

I'm just going to echo pp. It's not working, move out, find a house share.

I agree it isn’t about the takeaway. And the texting sounds like you have both avoided having the conversations that are necessary when adults live together. Possibly this is the model you have been brought up with, but at this point in time you are both feeling pissed off and resentful.

You either need to find somewhere else to live fast or make it work with your sister. Your colleague’s sofa is not an option and I can almost guarantee that his wife who oh so generously loaned you some clothes will be seething very soon.

Honestly, this all seems a bit overblown and
childish. Your sister got the hump because you didn't offer to bring her home a takeaway. It's quite a minor thing, but you cried at work until a coworker took you home with him? I'd be mortified.

She's definitely being unreasonable if she expects you to include her in every last minute takeaway decision, especially late at night, but it sounds like there's more to this argument than just that. Does she think you're taking the piss? Living with siblings is rarely easy and clearly your arrangement with her just isn't working and it's time to move on. I am curious as why your former flatmates were also 'too much' - this does point at it being a 'you' problem tbh.

Did you at least let her know where you were or is disappearing your way of punishing her?

What on earth did you tell your colleague for him to say you could stay for a few days?
This all sounds very dramatic.

Be more proactive in finding somewhere to rent.
Set yourself a time limit of three weeks.
Invite your sister over for Chinese Takeaway when you are all settled in a new place.

I’m always a bit suspicious of threads where the OP keeps things vague and then disappears, but in case this is legit…

1. Explain - but don’t apologise - about the takeaway. Tell her that as she never includes you when she gets takeaways for herself and the kids, you assumed she wanted to you to sort yourself out food wise and were happy to do that. As such, you had no idea she’d expect you to include her - especially not late at night when she’ll likely have already eaten.

2. Say it’s obvious that she has some concerns, so you’d like to hear them, properly. Does she want more money? Extra babysitting/housework? Tell her you’re happy to help, but you don’t want to guess. She needs to be straight with you.

3. Move out ASAP. Look at bedsits as an alternative to shared houses - less expectation for friendships/time spent communally.

I’d probably steer clear of mentioning that shd never gets you takeaways op: it will come across as a complaint/payback and might just enflame things further. Just say you thought she’d have eaten.

I’m surprised that anyone thinks any kind of antagonising the sister further would help the ops cause. Calling her out/silly emoji responses/refusing to buy her takeaways etc. The sister is in the driving seat here, she has what the op wants. The op only has two options - keep her sister happy, or move out.

I suspect that the wording "give her some money towards bills etc" means that the OP doesn't pay fair rent or whathaveyou, but gives a token amount.

You're sounding very 'victimised' OP. This must be a hugely frustrating attitude for those around you.

The sister needs to be reminded that this isn’t one-way traffic. It’s shit to tell the OP that she should be bringing late night treats when she’ll happily eat a takeaway in front of her without even asking if she’d like to be included. She wouldn’t have to pay for it; just ask OP if she wants to order something too while she’s at it.

I don’t think OP is coming back

the sister is older - I wonder if the dynamic makes her feel like she has another child in the house

i also wonder if the op moving in meant taking a bedroom from one of the kids

does sound very much like the final straw

Of course it’s one way traffic!! It’s the sisters house! She gets to decide which adult lives in it!

Rent is a bill...

You've not done anything wrong by not getting a takeaway for her, but moving out to sleep on a colleague's sofa over a couple of angry texts is seriously childish behaviour. Grow up and have a chat with your sister.

Did I suggest otherwise?!

Since the original post, OP has not been back, and it's five pages in.

Maybe she saw that she needed to talk to her sister and do more, or is hiding from her, or this was all a wind-up.

Maybe she'll be back, and maybe she won't.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Then the sister should have said that to the OP BEFORE the OP asked about moving in. You don't blame the other person because you said yes when you really wanted to say no but didn't have the guts to be honest and now the consequences are manifesting.

OP kindly you need to move out and rebuild the sister relationship without being dependant. Get a studio flat or a well run HMO where you have your own space and not forced to be a flatmate if you don’t want to. You work long shifts- no one at work looking to flat share?

No. You should be living in your own place, move out & your relationship will improve.

I bet you grab the opportunity to put the boot in whenever the occasion arises don't you...?
Set you up for the day does it?

You say you moved in at beginning of January, well that's nearly 4 months ago which is a long time for a 'temporary' fix if your sister isn't enjoying your company for whatever reasons (sisters can be really irritating, I have 2 older ones, so I know!).
There may be other habits you unconsciously have which annoy her but she can't complain about as too petty, and she probably just feels a bit stifled having another adult around cramping her style. Take no notice of the comments she made about your takeaway, that was probably just the final straw for her which she has seized on to criticize you (silly complaint anyway).

But do get in touch with her and ask for a private chat away from her children to clear up the animosity before it festers, and do your utmost to find alternative accommodation at same time.

It was kind of your colleague and wife to put you up, but don't outstay your welcome there either - as saying goes 'guests are like fish, after a while they start to stink!'.