Can no longer be arsed with this person…

[CouchSpud]

A woman in work who is emotionally all over the place, I can never tell what mood she’s going to be in.

I am pretty good at getting on with everyone, I don’t like conflict and will happily say sorry to appease a situation, even if I’m not in the wrong. I’m anything for an easy life.

This woman finds offence so easily and will strop and cry.

I made her cry the other day by making a very socially acceptable joke about what she was doing. She was struggling with opening the staffroom door. I was behind her and just said ‘would you like an adult to help you’ laughing, expecting her to laugh along too. The door can be tricky and everyone struggles with it. I think this is also a well known joke.

She glared at me, said ‘really?!’ then ran off down the corridor crying. I didn’t follow.

I have spoken to others , and they agree with me that her response was ridiculous. But it turned out she’d been having a shit week, she’s apologised to me over email, which I acknowledged. But she’s now upset with me for not apologising back.

If I’m honest, I don’t want to apologise. I can’t be arsed!… I just don’t want to interact with her at all anymore, as this isn’t the 1st time this has happened with me or others. The unpredictability or her moods is not worth the stress.

I'm sorry you have been made to feel so shitty @CouchSpud Honestly, no wonder so many people don't want to post threads on here. (Especially under their regular/more familiar username.) The vipers always run on with their barbed jibes, and their mean-girl comments. Don't take it to heart. If it hadn't been you it would have been someone else. It's not personal.

It is a well-known joke.

It is often used light-heartedly when someone is making a bulls-up of something eg baking going wrong, threading a needle etc. In the right circumstance it’s a way of provoking a giggle at something that might otherwise be frustrating. But it can be annoying. My DH adopts something similar, a kind of David Attenborough voiceover: “ and heeere we haaaaave a human struggling to prepare the dish known as ….” Sometimes I laugh along, but if feeling tired and frustrated with the task it comes across as insensitive and jeering.

Good grief. Seriously, how do people so sensitive cope with an ACTUAL crisis?

The reaction from some posters on here is ludicrous!

But this is the point people are making, if you don’t know what kind of mood she will be in then perhaps avoid jokes that could be construed as offensive. If someone I barely knew asked me if I’d like an adult to help me with that, I’d think they were insulting me. If it was a friend who said it, my reaction would be totally different.

Your colleague is quite often sensitive and she’d had a shit week, so just be more mindful of what you say and to whom because not everyone will react the same way. Instead of placing all the blame on her because she doesn’t think the same way as you and is more sensitive, you should accept responsibility.

I would laugh if my DH did that to be honest! 😆

Mostly I do! 😀

If someone said that to me, I would find it funny and take it in the spirit it was meant.
I like a quick wit, but we all have different senses of humour. Some people have no sense of humour or irony and have thin
skins. Avoid the Drama llama

The rule of banter is only to give it to people who will throw it back to you (and you can take it back off them)

There are some people I'd take that comment well from, and others that I would find it more belittling from; as a petite woman my build/ looks have affected the way that people treat me as a professional adult and that comment could cut into that territory from the wrong person.

Give a brief appology that you didn't mean to cause offense and don't banter with her again.

The joke itself could come over a bit patronising but I certainly wouldn't play in to her constant attention seeking behaviour. Don't apologise. It's exactly what she wants to validate her endless whining. Then next week there will be something else she wants you to say sorry for. As advised previously, just be bright and breezy and carry on like nothing happened but don't let her suck you in. There's an old book that should still be in print by Eric Berne called Games People Play which explains the psychological dynamics of how people like this operate on an emotional level and how they suck everyone else into their drama. It's worth a read to help you understand how to avoid being drawn back in. She's probably playing a victim role of some kind in her own inner narrative here. It won't stop just because you stop being pulled in. She will always find other participants to suck in.

But the mean girl comment is coming from the OP. I spent a long time in a relationship where I was insulted and negged. Told I can't do even simple things, called stupid, immature etc. I'm ND and being told I need a carer by my alleged fiance was horrible. This "throwaway" jokey comment is akin to that. As is telling people to lighten up and that they can't take a joke, the old chestnut inept people fall back on when they've stuffed up. If someone had said that to me it would have been a trigger. I'd not have burst into tears but I'd have told you what I thought.

This woman though seems to piss everyone off so the answer is speak to her on an as needs basis and leave it there. Life's too short for this nonsense.

…but if it upset me ( eg I’d just overcooked an expensive cut of meat or had no back-up meal etc) I’d expect him to back off and say “sorry, I was only joking” if it did wind me up, and not “ I can’t be arsed with you: you’ve got no sense of humour.”

I've got a friend like this op - absolutely no sense of humour whatsoever so l don't even bother trying to have even light banter any more.
I would possibly say sorry if my clumsy attempt at humour offended you and then give her a very wide berth

OP looked for validation by posting this thread, and she got back a mixed bag. She sounds rough around the edges and maybe that is the culture at her work place. In mine it's all about 'be kind and inclusive'. In the workplace you kind of need to be able to have an amenable working relationship with all your colleagues even if you hate them. That is your professionalism. If I were your manager and this got back to me I'd encourage you to work on your people skills and send some training your way.

I wouldn't be very happy if someone said that to me. Not to the point of being tearful, and I certainly wouldn't do or say anything about it, but I'd feel a bit hurt and distrustful of the person in future.

I don’t think she’s a bully. But I do think she lacks the ability to know her audience.

I work with a really good friend - I’d make jokes with her that I wouldn’t make with anyone else at work.
Then there’s generic fairly bland jokey comments that I might make to people I know (I’d consider the “shall we find you an adult” as one of these) but not to people I’ve never met just in case.
And if I worked with someone I knew was overly sensitive, I wouldn’t joke at all. I might think they are the most ridiculous wet wipe who needs to get a grip, but I’ve still no desire to upset them.

I'm surprised at the amount of people finding your joke offensive. Me and my colleagues say stuff like this to each other all the time and laugh at ourselves. Sounds like she had something going on and was feeling fragile/sensitive, but that's not your fault.

Its this kind of banter and miscommunication that makes people feel bullied in the workplace. You don't understand each other, you might not have taken offence but she did. Your previous interactions tell you she won't take it warmly but you made a comment anyway. Imagine if your comment had been "do you want some help", imagine how differently that whole interaction would have gone - she may have even thanked you and admitted she was having a terrible week and the door was the last straw! Kindness goes a long way.

You have made a shitty joke. She can be whatever and you can do whatever but that joke is not funny.

She sounds like a right pain in the arse. I’d just ignore her. If she asks why you’re ignoring her just say that you seem to unintentionally offend her every time you speak and it’s not worth the hassle

@BatchCookBabe The person who gets to decide if a "joke" is offensive or not is the recipient not the joker. I detest "jokes" aimed at individuals. Doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humour.

Yes but these things turn on relationship and context.

For instance, an adult saying it to a child would cone across as unbelievably belittling.

Maybe op is competent and confident and the person was feeling that day ( rightly or wrongly) incompetent and hopeless. It all makes a difference.

actually i dont think it does any harm to apologise
it is not about you it is about her and her stresses.
no need to add to them

I don't think it is a well known joke. Several of us have said we've never heard it before. Some people would take that comment as banter, whilst others would see it as implying that we're completely incompetent and behaving like a child.
I think it depends on tone of voice, how it was delivered, what mood we're in etc. If a good mate of mine said it in an affectionate way, I'd not be offended. If a colleague of mine said it (perhaps a colleague I'd sensed didn't really like me) I'd probably feel like she was patronising and undermining me.

When you said:

'I have spoken to others, and they agree with me that her response was ridiculous.

it sounds like you are trying to get all your colleagues on your side against your 'sensitive' workmate.'

She has apologised to you about her over the top reaction but you are refusing to apologise for upsetting her (even if unintentionally) as you 'can't be arsed' and you 'don't want to interact with her any more'. That does not sound like professional behaviour on your part. I presume that you can't refuse to interact with her about work stuff.

You seem to be one of the 'can dish it out but can't take it' sort of people given your reaction to some of the responses on this thread. You sound just as sensitive and easily offended as your colleague, but you have deliberately opened yourself up to this by posting on here (obviously you were expecting everyone to agree with you).

I think your comment is hilarious! I’d totally be your bestie at work.