Can no longer be arsed with this person…

[CouchSpud]

A woman in work who is emotionally all over the place, I can never tell what mood she’s going to be in.

I am pretty good at getting on with everyone, I don’t like conflict and will happily say sorry to appease a situation, even if I’m not in the wrong. I’m anything for an easy life.

This woman finds offence so easily and will strop and cry.

I made her cry the other day by making a very socially acceptable joke about what she was doing. She was struggling with opening the staffroom door. I was behind her and just said ‘would you like an adult to help you’ laughing, expecting her to laugh along too. The door can be tricky and everyone struggles with it. I think this is also a well known joke.

She glared at me, said ‘really?!’ then ran off down the corridor crying. I didn’t follow.

I have spoken to others , and they agree with me that her response was ridiculous. But it turned out she’d been having a shit week, she’s apologised to me over email, which I acknowledged. But she’s now upset with me for not apologising back.

If I’m honest, I don’t want to apologise. I can’t be arsed!… I just don’t want to interact with her at all anymore, as this isn’t the 1st time this has happened with me or others. The unpredictability or her moods is not worth the stress.

I agree about context and tone of voice.

Also, even the same person saying it to the same person on a different day/ different incident can make a difference. Jokes need to delivered with sensitivity to context. You can’t just think “yup this joke’s a right good-un” and fire it off in all situations, and at all individuals. That’s not having a good sense of humour; it’s being the same kind of “joker” as the oft-cited drunk leery uncle at the wedding “ just havin’ a bit o fun.”

In truth, I might have made the same joke as op ( because I HAVE heard it many times and don’t think it inherently offensive); but if it lands wrongly you have to take responsibility for that. It’s a risk we all take when larking about.

Banter is fine between friends; its not ok to say it to someone you know is overwhelmed or 'over emotional'. You don't know what's going in in her life, she might have had bad news and need to struggle on for all you know.

I am currently in peri menopause and my anxiety, particularly around my ability to do my job and even basic every day things, is through the roof. If someone made that 'joke' to me it would really upset me too. Maybe I wouldn't run off crying, but my point is you don't know what people are dealing with.

I think your intention was to be rude, so you can't be too surprised if someone found it as such. It's also not even funny.

It may be a joke in your friendship circle but many of us on Mumsnet haven’t heard it. It was risky to say to someone you dislike who is emotionally volatile. She probably took it to mean you were calling her childishly silly, which pretty much is something you think about her.
Could you stick to being polite and respectful so that she doesn’t get triggered unnecessarily?

But by @CouchSpud 's standards this isn't a pile-on. We're all just messing around. If it's upsetting @CouchSpud that is different and obviously we would stop and apologise. However they've been very clear they're OK with it as they came on here gor opinions, and got them. If @CouchSpud had wanted people just to agree with them they'd have continued talking about it in the office

She wants you to apologise back after she's apologised? Where does the apologising stop?
Ignore her and just crack on with your job. To be honest, it sounds like she's a little under-employed if she has time to be worrying about all this, and possibly you are too.

Yes… like just failed her Competency with Doors test!

Joking aside, I can see if someone had something like mild dyspraxia it could really upset them.

Is it all about the "banter" for you, OP?

But you are defending OP who is so sensitive that she can't cope with the reaction from some posters on a thread that she started herself.

Her colleague reacted to a 'joke' that was not funny at best and rather insulting at worst and she has apologised for her rather extreme reaction. Why on earth wouldn't OP just apologise for upsetting her?

You have said:

'The vipers always run on with their barbed jibes, and their mean-girl comments. Don't take it to heart.'

I think that the posters who are not agreeing with the OP are just amazed at her double standards and the hypocricy of posters like yourself who are mocking her 'over sensitive' colleague for over-reacting but telling OP that the posters who disagree with her are all mean bullies and the thread should be deleted.

Now that is funny! Your comment obviously, not OP's 'joke'.

Are you a TA or support staff or a qualified teacher? Was the person you are gossiping about a TA or teacher?

I have spoken to others, and they agree with me that her response was ridiculous.

It comes across like you're ganging up on her. You're not coming across well here and it's looks like you are quite insecure, needing the validation from your work mates as well as a bunch of strangers on the internet to feel ok about your behaviour at work. While your colleague may be overly sensitive, you also struggle to regulate your frustrations looking for validation from lots of places.

At the end of the day, at work you don't have the option to no longer be arsed with a person. Unless you're planning to quit your job you have to put up with her and behave in a professionally and courteous manner. Oh and no more jokes and talking about her in this way with other colleagues or else you might find yourself in some grievance situation. That's no fun for anyone and your manager would hate you for it (but not show it 😜)

The trouble with banter at work is that it’s rarely as harmless as people think. I saw it all the time when I worked in a secondary school and we would have to talk to the students about it constantly. What’s tragic is how much of that same dynamic carries on into adult life in settings where banter is not necessarily appropriate.

If you’re the one cracking the jokes, it might feel like you’re just being light or trying to connect. But if you’re on the receiving end, it can land completely differently: patronising, exposing, even humiliating. And if you try to say so you’re told to lighten up, or that you can't take a joke, it shuts you down.

Whilst I still feel the other person's reaction was ott and I'd personally keep all interactions with her as neutral as possible, I think that banter can often be about keeping control, keeping people in their place, even if you won't admit it OP, or acknowledge any wrongdoing on your part. In a workplace, especially where there are power dynamics, banter is nearly always a problem. You're not a teenager in a corridor anymore, you’re an adult at work, and you should know better.

How juvenile

I don't find the 'joke' remotely funny or witty - although it'd be a cold day in hell before I ran away crying about it.

But the fact that OP's response to a few people on the first page of the thread disagreeing with her was "fuck's sake 🙄" and her unwillingness even to extend a half-apology makes me think I'd like to hear the other woman's side.

We often tease colleagues about not opening the door properly. Especially if they have already gone through one door with the same mechanism. I also have a habit of trying to open a door with my bus pass or bank card so not immune from doing daft things!!!

I guess just avoid saying anything to her and avoid her coming to complain about other people. But don't totally ignore her if you see what I mean. Be pleasant but don't joke about anything in front of her!!!

well I wouldn't find that a jokey joke either and if you know she's like that then why did you say it?

Precisely.
The OP strikes me as someone who doesn't suffer fools gladly and wouldn’t hesitate to push back if the banter turned against her. She can dish it out, but I’m not convinced she’d take kindly to being on the receiving end, especially if it didn’t flatter her.

Best to leave her to it. In the context of it being a school it is funny (if you normally have a good relationship), and I would have laughed, but maybe for some reason at that moment even a friendly hello would have had her running off upset. Perhaps she hates her job?

I’d find your ‘banter’ annoying and highly unfunny tbh. You knew she’s sensitive but took the piss anyway. She clearly has stuff going on, a more thoughtful colleague might contact occupational health if they suspected she needs help rather than go online to slag her off with strangers. I’d have told you to piss off by the way.

You’re right, it’s quite bizarre to watch sometimes. People surely aren’t like this in real life.

Your comment was obviously not something worth running off, crying and making a scene about. I too would have little patience with this pattern of behaviour from this woman.

She’s apologised for over reacting, you’ve accepted that apology, polite and professional from here on seems like the way to go.

The fact she apologised yet you refuse to do so in return shows who you really are.

I agree

She was upset by what the OP said. She cried.

So saying 'sorry if I upset you ' is passive aggressive.

Op really sounds like a "Jack the lad" not a woman