Can no longer be arsed with this person…

[CouchSpud]

A woman in work who is emotionally all over the place, I can never tell what mood she’s going to be in.

I am pretty good at getting on with everyone, I don’t like conflict and will happily say sorry to appease a situation, even if I’m not in the wrong. I’m anything for an easy life.

This woman finds offence so easily and will strop and cry.

I made her cry the other day by making a very socially acceptable joke about what she was doing. She was struggling with opening the staffroom door. I was behind her and just said ‘would you like an adult to help you’ laughing, expecting her to laugh along too. The door can be tricky and everyone struggles with it. I think this is also a well known joke.

She glared at me, said ‘really?!’ then ran off down the corridor crying. I didn’t follow.

I have spoken to others , and they agree with me that her response was ridiculous. But it turned out she’d been having a shit week, she’s apologised to me over email, which I acknowledged. But she’s now upset with me for not apologising back.

If I’m honest, I don’t want to apologise. I can’t be arsed!… I just don’t want to interact with her at all anymore, as this isn’t the 1st time this has happened with me or others. The unpredictability or her moods is not worth the stress.

It's really hard to tell whether this is just banter or actually bullying. I'd imagine lots of bullies think they're 'just bantering' and think it's their victim's fault for 'not being able to take a joke.' So I couldn't say whether you're BU or not. She could be a drama llama or she could be someone going through a really shit time with unsympathetic colleagues.

If you can’t bring yourself to apologise op, could you just acknowledge her apology with a comment like: “ Don’t worry, I think we were both just on different wavelengths that day.”

Teachers: often immature bullies themselves.

I'm getting old and frequently lack the strength to do some of the more physical tasks at work, so I will get on the headset and ask for 'a grown up to come and help me'. The real joke is that most of my colleagues are thirty or forty years younger than me. It's a standard jokey remark and plays on a role reversal. I don't think I am demeaning myself for asking for help in this way.

But OPs woman sounds like someone I had the misfortune to work with a few times in different capacities. She was all about the tears and sitting sobbing if people didn't 'get' her. In her case it was entirely done for attention, particularly male attention, and a burly co-worker sitting with her and listening to her woes was her ultimate aim. She didn't last long working anywhere because these were busy, high pressured environments and nobody had the time to soothe ruffled feelings.

She sounds like she's tough to work with and has stuff going on for her but your joke was still quite rude and patronising.

I don't find it funny either, I think you too should apologise. Although I'd perhaps say 'I'm sorry you felt offended by my attempt at a joke'

OP, if you’d kept it professional and brief in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this situation now.

It sounded like - and it sounds like it was intended as - a put-down. Don’t put people down in the office either publicly or privately. It’s bullying and unprofessional. She might have extreme reactions, but it’s not nice to goad people into having those reactions.

If someone is having difficulty with a known difficult door, the professional thing would simply have been to help her hold the door open without saying anything. So much smoother and gentler an interaction, so much less effort, so much more professional and yet human.

The fact you didn’t help though you were there, but chose to mock her instead, says a lot.

The ‘jokers’ in the office are rarely as popular as they like to think they are. People will be eye-rolling about you as much as about her. I guarantee it. They’ll support you to your face because in your own way you’re just as much of a drama queen.

Actually, she’s been the bigger person by apologising first. That’s why you feel uncomfortable as you haven’t come off very well, in what you said first and not wanting to apologise second. She may be over-emotional, but she is showing steel by expecting an apology back. Don’t underestimate her, she’s had enough of you.

And yet they say Buddhism is calming.

She sounds like hard-work but honestly if you said that to me, I’d have given you short shrift whilst internally telling you to fuck off.

I agree with @Pigsears “Sorry if I upset you, it wasn’t my intention” is NOT an apology

I have said this before (and go google if you think I am wrong) but "sorry if I" is NOT an apology. An apology should include taking responsibility for what was said which "if I" does not.

again not a proper apology. A proper apology takes responsibility... So "I am sorry I offended you" no "if I's" no "you felts" basically no cop outs.

no but you are saying it about yourself, not about someone else

I spent 30 years working in schools. They can be incredibly supportive or incredibly toxic.
After 12 successful years in the same school we got a new head who made it his business to subtly undermine me to the point I questioned everything about my competency until I was suicidal.
His reason - I was 50, more experienced, female and expensive.
The point is, you don't know her well enough to know what could be going on in her life.
I might well have reacted like this woman to this 'joke'.
She has realised she over-reacted and apologised now you should do the same (without the 'if').
Going forwards, keep banter between people you know well and ffs DO NOT talk about her to other colleagues.
In my case, I had a full breakdown and left, he moved on to target another colleague, got rid of all over 40s staff and the school failed OFSTED for the first time in its history - karma's a bitch.

Since mumsnet deleted my comment which was about the same level as your joke. What are the rest of these jokes about?

A definitely overreaction, however it is the sort of comment that would make me feel a little put out. I’d probably think ‘prat’ and move on.

The thing is with this sort of thing you only hear the end result. It does sound silly to cry about that but are these jokes every day? Are they just about her or are you taking the mick out of everyone?

It's not funny it's rude.
Her response was over the top but I'd feel this was rude if a colleague said it to me.
I wouldn't say anything but I wouldn't be impressed

If you said that to me when I was struggling to open the pub door and we were all having fun, I'd laugh. If you said that to me at work when I was already stressed and struggling, I'd think you were seriously lacking in social skills. Read the room, there's a time and a place for quips.

Why is it funny to watch someone struggle?

That's the difference though. You don't say it to someone you know has a history of running off crying and making everyone else the villain then demanding apologies. Given what OP knows about the way this person behaves there were probably better people to have that joke with than this one.

Why not just leave her alone? I worked with someone like her and she was going through health issues, menopause stuff that was really rough on her, I wouldn’t think oooh I think I’ll pick her to get my laughs from. Thats just tight.

I agree

You were mean. Interesting insight into the mindset of those bitchy types though, so I appreciate your post

I thought that myself…. It’s bitchy. My father in law does similar things- when I’m singing nursery rhymes to the kids he makes cat miowing noises … just odd things . Kind of dad jokes that aren’t funny and abit awkward and you don’t know how to react back!

Agreed, I have never heard it before.