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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it be unreasonable to tell my housemate I won't help her anymore if she has another child?

117 replies

AmyCakeMaker · 23/03/2025 08:56

I have been friends with Jodie for several years and we have lived together for a while now and 2 years ago, Jo had her daughter (Susie). We get along and don't have any problems.

I have helped Jo with Susie a lot in different ways (distracting, playing, supporting with appointments etc). Susie's dad is not around and Jodie's family only help out occasionally, but because they have their own children, jobs, health etc they are not around as much.

Jo struggles a lot with Susie and can't handle temper tantrums, so I didn't mind helping Jo. However, as time went on, it became more helping out.

I am currently 5 and a half months pregnant and yesterday Jo said to me that she wants another baby and plans on getting pregnant soon (she didn't go into specifics about how she plans on doing it) because Susie should have a sibling. The thing is Susie is a jealous child and already I can see some jealousy problems from when my child is born.

If she did have another child, I won't be helping out because I will be focusing on my own child first and I won't have the time, energy for my child, Susie, Jo and another baby.

Although she hasn't said anything, but I wonder if she's hoping because I will be going on maternity in a few weeks that I will be around more and can support her with Susie and her pregnancy.

Would it be unreasonable to tell her that I won't support her if she has another baby?

Unfortunately, in this area I would struggle to find a suitable house/flat and would not be in a good place financially if I moved out, so that's not an option. I also don't have any close family and other friends don't have the space.

OP posts:
Suggestaname · 23/03/2025 08:58

Have you posted this before but with the mum’s name as Amber?

TheEllisGreyMethod · 23/03/2025 08:59

Suggestaname · 23/03/2025 08:58

Have you posted this before but with the mum’s name as Amber?

I agree, sounds too familiar.

PinkFrogss · 23/03/2025 08:59

Didn’t you have another post about this woman a week or two when she was angry you went to the hospital? You had lots of great advice on their that I think applies to this situation as well.

I really think you need to find somewhere else to live, she’s not a friend she’s just using you.

POTC · 23/03/2025 09:00

Another one fairly certain I've read this before

HenDoNot · 23/03/2025 09:01

Definitely posted about this before complaining about the whole situation, so why on earth have you decided to add another baby into the mix? It’s only going to get worse.

AgnesX · 23/03/2025 09:01

Given that you live in her home I think your options of what you do and don't do are quite limited.

You need to find your own home, with your child's father/sperm donor paying his share..

SnoozingFox · 23/03/2025 09:01

this is unclear - are you still living in the same house?

MinnieCauldwell · 23/03/2025 09:03

Where is your baby's father in all this? Why is he not working on getting a place for you? Why are you having a baby if you can't afford to get your own place?

FootTapping · 23/03/2025 09:04

AmyCakeMaker · 23/03/2025 08:56

I have been friends with Jodie for several years and we have lived together for a while now and 2 years ago, Jo had her daughter (Susie). We get along and don't have any problems.

I have helped Jo with Susie a lot in different ways (distracting, playing, supporting with appointments etc). Susie's dad is not around and Jodie's family only help out occasionally, but because they have their own children, jobs, health etc they are not around as much.

Jo struggles a lot with Susie and can't handle temper tantrums, so I didn't mind helping Jo. However, as time went on, it became more helping out.

I am currently 5 and a half months pregnant and yesterday Jo said to me that she wants another baby and plans on getting pregnant soon (she didn't go into specifics about how she plans on doing it) because Susie should have a sibling. The thing is Susie is a jealous child and already I can see some jealousy problems from when my child is born.

If she did have another child, I won't be helping out because I will be focusing on my own child first and I won't have the time, energy for my child, Susie, Jo and another baby.

Although she hasn't said anything, but I wonder if she's hoping because I will be going on maternity in a few weeks that I will be around more and can support her with Susie and her pregnancy.

Would it be unreasonable to tell her that I won't support her if she has another baby?

Unfortunately, in this area I would struggle to find a suitable house/flat and would not be in a good place financially if I moved out, so that's not an option. I also don't have any close family and other friends don't have the space.

I think you need to move out. You say it's not an option, but it's very odd to be living with a friend like this and being forced to help out so much. It will all become incredibly tricky when your own child is born and especially if Jodie has a second baby. Two.women and three children in the house is fine if you are into community living and all raising the kids together. Some people like that arrangement. But if you are like most people and just want to focus on raising your own kid and leaving her to raise her own, then you really need to separate. This degree of enmeshment and boundary crossing with a friend isnt healthy.

There are ALWAYS other options. What benefits do you get ot of living with Jodie beyond financial?

SandyY2K · 23/03/2025 09:05

Maybe give her a heads up, that you'll need to focus on your new baby when he/ she arrives and won't have time as you previously did to help her with her DD.

Tell her you're letting her know in advance, so she isn't blindsided and so that she doesn't take it personally.

You can add that during your maternity leave before and after as a new mum, you'll be resting and focused on the two on baby and yourself.

Poppins21 · 23/03/2025 09:07

Where is the father of your baby?

toomuchfaff · 23/03/2025 09:07

Where is babys father? Can you not go live with them as you're creating a family?

Wondering why your having a child when you live with someone and youre not financially stable, the person is treating you like their children's second parent and plans to extend that further.

Youre being very stupid bringing a child into the mix.

Viviennemary · 23/03/2025 09:09

If you are living in her house you are not in a position to dictate what she can and can't do. The living arrangements you describe all sound very unsatisfactory for everybody concerned.

TheAmusedQuail · 23/03/2025 09:09

She is allowing you to live there for childcare. Once you can no longer provide that, your arrangement will no longer work.

Start looking for a way out.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 23/03/2025 09:10

Well it's going to be awkward but you need to be crystal clear right now. Both that you won't become her existing child's nanny and that you won't be pitching in with any other children she has in the future. You also need to clearly state your concerns about her daughter and how you intend to deal with that.

It will be hard and she might get angry but it's either that or raise all her kids so you have to pick the option you hate the least.

Will the father of your child not be involved or pay child support? You may find that you can perhaps afford a bedsit or similar.

Fiery30 · 23/03/2025 09:10

Did you plan your future living situation when you thought about having a baby or is the pregnancy unplanned? In any case, you've known your housemate's behaviour and attitude for a while, so why haven't been proactive in finding a more suitable house? Or setting boundaries with your housemate? Is the father of your child involved?

Simply saying you won't support her if she had another baby doesn't really mean anything, since that situation doesn't exist currently. What is more pressing is how your household will change after you have a baby. Will the housemate return the favours? Has she spoken to her daughter about a newborn joining the house soon, to help that child understand the changes too? You seem to be dealing in hypotheticals, rather than the reality.

Stickytreacle · 23/03/2025 09:10

Sounds like a catastrophe waiting to happen all round. Why you'd add a child into ths situation is baffling.

Sportswatchernotplayer · 23/03/2025 09:10

Hopefully Jodie won't have another baby. Perhaps time to move out and concentrate on your baby.

Whitelight25 · 23/03/2025 09:11

I remember your previous post. Seems that for practical purposes you are a kind of couple in Jos eyes. A couple about to have 2 new babies, but with no DP around who is unscathed by giving birth. Very tricky. If living together seems like your best option you’ll need to draw up an agreement about who does what and adapt it as the babies grow. Don’t second guess each other.

TotallyForgettableForNow · 23/03/2025 09:11

Where are the fathers?
Why are you having a baby but still living with this woman?
Is anyone bringing a child up in a committed, healthy,stable relationship?
If this is real you both have bigger problems than how much help you can give each other.

FootTapping · 23/03/2025 09:12

Are you both teenagers?

Justcallmebebes · 23/03/2025 09:13

Are there any fathers of these babies? Why are they not helping out

WonderingWanda · 23/03/2025 09:15

Surely if she has another baby and you have a baby there won't actually be enough bedrooms for you all? Is this not her way of hinting it might be time for you to leave? Is it a rental or does she own? Presumably, if it's a rental the landlord might have a problem with all these occupants?

Lindy2 · 23/03/2025 09:16

Where is the father of your baby?

It's a very strange set up 2 women living together having babies with seemingly no relationships with the baby's fathers.

I think you both need to go your separate ways and change your living arrangements. Blended living like this only works if everyone pulls their weight and is happy with the arrangement.

DeathNote11 · 23/03/2025 09:19

Children don't thrive in unstable, high conflict environments so you must sort this as soon as possible. Get the ground rules, expectations & boundaries in now, before social care do it for you.