Would it be unreasonable to tell my housemate I won't help her anymore if she has another child?

[AmyCakeMaker]

I have been friends with Jodie for several years and we have lived together for a while now and 2 years ago, Jo had her daughter (Susie). We get along and don't have any problems.

I have helped Jo with Susie a lot in different ways (distracting, playing, supporting with appointments etc). Susie's dad is not around and Jodie's family only help out occasionally, but because they have their own children, jobs, health etc they are not around as much.

Jo struggles a lot with Susie and can't handle temper tantrums, so I didn't mind helping Jo. However, as time went on, it became more helping out.

I am currently 5 and a half months pregnant and yesterday Jo said to me that she wants another baby and plans on getting pregnant soon (she didn't go into specifics about how she plans on doing it) because Susie should have a sibling. The thing is Susie is a jealous child and already I can see some jealousy problems from when my child is born.

If she did have another child, I won't be helping out because I will be focusing on my own child first and I won't have the time, energy for my child, Susie, Jo and another baby.

Although she hasn't said anything, but I wonder if she's hoping because I will be going on maternity in a few weeks that I will be around more and can support her with Susie and her pregnancy.

Would it be unreasonable to tell her that I won't support her if she has another baby?

Unfortunately, in this area I would struggle to find a suitable house/flat and would not be in a good place financially if I moved out, so that's not an option. I also don't have any close family and other friends don't have the space.

Yeah, this. If you're in your house, you can't dictate what she does.

You can't afford to live in the area and living with the woman isn't sustainable, you'll have to move to an affordable area. Can your child's father not provide housing?

Why isn't the father of your child living with you.

So in two weeks she’s gone from breaking down and not being able to handle her child’s wild tantrums, to saying she’s going to have another child?

Tbh if you are all living together the children are going to impact. You would be better living separately if you don’t want to support her. Where’s your partner in this?

If it's her house, find a way to move out. You can't dictate what she does. If it's your house, it's on you to set some boundaries and maybe give her notice to quit. If it's a shared rental, I appreciate times are very tough but you can't put a price on sanity and you need a better option.

Obviously your current living situation isn't sustainable. Is your baby's father in the picture? Do you have plans to go back to work after your baby is born? Is there a reason why you are going on maternity leave such a long time before your baby is born rather than trying to make your pay last for as long as possible?

Really this isn't about Jodie/Jo/Amber, but about the fact that you need to have a solid plan for getting your finances under control so that you can move out and not live with a housemate and her child/children when you have a child of your own.

But no, you don't have to provide unpaid childcare for your housemate, regardless of whether you are on maternity leave or not. Her childcare issues are her problem.

Yeah I’ve also read something like this before on Reddit

Seems a less than ideal situation to be bringing a baby into. I’d look to get your own affairs in order and move on.

Your friendship with Jodie/ Amber sounds very unequal. Will you be able to stand up for yourself while caring a newborn.
How expensive is housing in your area - I.e. is it possible to afford rent through housing benefit?
Do you have any family you could move near before you have the baby?

It would be unreasonable to keep living with someone who doesn’t think you should prioritise getting your unborn child checked over their needs and to keep posting about them but not doing anything about it. You should move out, or at the very least set some boundaries.

Poor kids.

Do you not want to move out and start making your own nest ready for this new baby to come along? I can’t even comprehend the idea of sharing with my newborn and somebody else’s child it will be horrific.

Mostly, I'm just confused as to why two unrelated adult women are living together and having kids... Where are the fathers of these assorted toddlers/infants? Especially the dad of your upcoming infant?
It seems an incredibly strange set-up, and not one that either of you should be bringing children into.

Voting YABU for posting about this repeatedly instead of taking steps to find somewhere else to live.

What does the Dad of your baby think of all this?

I think it is sensible to tell her pr ask her how she plans to manage the two as you will be busy with your own child.

Are you not living with your partner with op?

You need to move out or at the very least withdraw from supporting her so much. Why have you posted the same thing twice?

I've read this before.

I’d personally say it’s none of your business or issue if she has another child and is personally say you shouldn’t black mail her into it either. Let a grown woman make her own life choices

neither of you should be bringing babies into this arrangement.

YABU

You can't dictate how many children someone else has.

The living arrangements clearly are no longer working for you. Focus on this and how you resolve this (the answer is you stop living together).

Do you live in some sort of commune?.

If you stay living where you are, both you and Jodie are essentially co-parenting two or potentially more children. I think it's going to be pointless saying you'll "be focusing on your own baby" or similar, because you will be living in a house with Susie too, who won't make that distinction.

It could actually be really good I think, if you fully embrace it. You and Jodie will need a frank conversation (whether or not either of you have any more children), and to decide how you are jointly going to parent your children. Your children will feel to each other, to be siblings, as they will be growing up in the same household. If for example Susie isn't allowed sugar, and New Baby is, it really won't work, as the children will see it as unfair, and won't care that "it's because Jodie's mum says different".

So many single mums on here, saying that they struggle. You and Jodie could have all the support of each other, without the constraints of a husband or equivalent.

But living as two "single mums", under one roof, is nonsensical. So you need to make a decision about how you see the next few decades playing out.