Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

Difficult situation. I empathise with you. I would be stressing that life rewards effort and consistency. The most successful people I know now were pretty average at school. Some people peak in secondary school. Focus on values. Effort, kindness, generosity, humility, being a good friend. Also, being the underdog is cool. There is a lot less pressure than being in the limelight. Remind her that everyone has their own battles. People are drawn to positive people, it's not about being the best.

Your daughter needs her self-esteem building. Could you ask for a meeting with pastoral care at her school? They may be able to offer you some strategies in helping her build her self-esteem and also work with her themselves. Jealousy is a powerful negative emotion that drags a person down. This young girl may seem 'perfect', but as you and I know no one is perfect in life. Outside perception can be deceptive. I had a friend at college, who ended up jealous of me (she had a younger sister, I am an only child) - my parents were better off than hers (we weren't wealthy by any stretch of the imagination), I lived in a town rather than a small village like her, I was more confident than her etc. It was all small things but they ended up big huge issues in her head. Ultimately, the friendship became toxic and she turned nasty - I cut her out of my life. My point is, jealousy is destructive, and as an adult I now see she had a low self-esteem and self-confidence, that manifested itself into her being jealous over things that weren't in my control or hers!

Hi OP - I can totally empathise with your daughter. I was an only child when such a situation wasn’t commonplace. I also suffered emotional abuse from my alcoholic mother calling me ‘fat’, ‘clumsy’ ‘spoilt’ ‘selfish.’

i had no self esteem and was jealous of others with brothers and sisters etc….abd who seemed happy and socially successful - I was the most unpopular child in the whole of my primary school.

As an adult I realise that being and only child objectively can be a really good thing - it doesn’t make you spoilt or selfish. Some very popular people have been only children and some social rejects have had siblings.

The most important thing in life really is a person’s character - doesn’t matter if they have siblings or not - although admittedly if you’ve got good sibling bonds it can be a very good thing.

Just explain matter of factly ti her ti make the most of her strengths - play to her strengths!!

And thr best gift you can give to any child is to let them be their own person!

@Sassybooklover We’ve met with pastoral so many times. They just list my daughter off as a ‘concern to others’ and don’t do anything about it.

Do you have funds to arrange private counselling?

How about this approach. Sit down with her and a large piece of paper. Say it’s great that she has told you and has noticed these feelings she has. Then write down exactly what she admires about this girl. Is it popular, siblings, academic… then write down what she can do to enhance these own areas of her life. She wants better grades - how is she going to get them. She wants more friends - how? Focus on positive strategies not negative bringing others down. Envy is a strong feeling and can be a motivator (I say as one who had no money growing up etc). Worth a go? Then she claims her own power here.

I think she may benefit from counselling to unpick why her self worth is tied to being the ‘best’. We all meet people who are better than us at something but it’s one of those things you need to just accept and get on with. She could probably do with professional help to explore where this thought process has come from and give her tools to change her mindset.

Ah this is sad to read. I agree maybe some counselling might be useful. This is something best addressed earlier in life if she can as she'll always find others to be jealous of.

My mother always used to say 'comparison is the theif of joy' and it's so true, but repeating an old saying isn't going to help your daughter. I think trying to work on her self esteem and focusing her point of view so that traits like hard work and effort are given more value over 'being the best' or grades is needed. And hopefully a counselling professional would help with that. I know some schools even have school counsellors, is that an option?

What does “concern to others” mean?

My DD is younger but went through a similar phase with a friend who is good at everything. I pointed out that she was choosing to compare herself to one person - one quite unusual person - rather than all the other people in the world. She’s looking at the few things she hasn’t got or can’t do rather than all the benefits she has got and can do. Basically while DD is envying this girl, there would be plenty of other people who would envy DD and her life.

@minipie Concern to others just means that the school thinks DD might act out of impulse because of her envy and therefore pose a risk to others. It’s silly, I know.

@WinterSun20 She was seeing the counsellor for a bit but she just doesn’t like her, thinks she isn’t very good at her job. It’s difficult to help as DD thinks there’s nothing wrong with this.

Why do you think it's silly?
This is how stabbings and school shootings happen! She must be displaying some concerning behaviours at school for them to have said this about her?
You need to get to the bottom of what's going on, she sounds unhealthy fixated on this particular girl and you need to find out why.

Can you get your DD to try some activities this other girl doesn't do? Activities out of school where she can get small successes and build a different friendship group, like cadets or guides/scouts or trampolining (just thinking off top of head). If she starts to build up her own interests and identity she may start to feel less bothered by this other girl?

At the moment she seems to want to be like this girl,rather than developing into her own person.

It is v v important the jealousy ends and your DD finds a way to better manage it. A little boy was/is very jealous of my son and it's resulted in some quite extreme and aggressive behaviour from this boy directed at my child (thankfully both going to different schools in sept so that will stop it all. But no doubt this child will become jealous of someone else.)

https://www.coleschafer.com/blog/kurt-vonnegut-advice

Kurt Vonnegut got some good advice on this

“I don’t think being good at things is the point of doing them. I think you’ve got all these wonderful experiences with different skills, and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person, no matter how well you do them.”

I wouldn’t focus on how she can make herself better than the girl by hard work etc etc as it’s unnecessary pressure

school is a false environment - so there is one girl better than her at her school - and there will be kids better than her at things in hundreds of schools. And what is her opinion of the other girls in her class that she perceives herself to be ‘better’ than?

I would focus on what she wants for the future - what does she want to study at uni, is there a future career she is interested in etc and then at a plan for how she can get there.

you need to get her to understand that the only person she should be competing against is herself.

CBT could help with this, she really needs to change her mindset and stop comparing herself to others or she will always be unhappy and will really struggle with relationships of every kind. Being a teenager is very tough, it's also a time when the mind is most maleable so this is the best time to make them changes. Maybe reflect on yourself and see if you have similar thinking which influences your DD and look at changing your mindset too or at least being mindful of how you show it infront of her. It could be subtle things such as "If only I had her money" "they've aged well/badly" "why aren't more people like that" etc.

@FootTapping The issue is that this girl seems to do everything. And now, whenever DD isn’t instantly good at something she gives up and it’s always somehow to do with the other girl for some reason.

It’s not about the other girl, it’s about how your daughter feels about herself.
I’ve taught mine that they’re good enough as they are, and pretty wonderful in my eyes, but there’s always going to be someone sportier/cleverer/more popular, etc.
That’s just life, and to pretend otherwise does nothing for their resilience.

Agree that teenage years are extremely tough - added to this is that face that you have NO - or at best very little - control over every aspect of your life!

you don’t properly ‘choose’ your school - or very few would

because of point above - you don’t ‘properly’ choose your social circle or environment!

She needs to find "her" thing which could be anything really that she takes an interest in. She can sign in to duolingo for free to learn japanese, learn a special type of cooking (italian/desserts/whatever), learn a dance, volonteer in the community where she will be praised for being kind and caring. Tell her that if you went on comparing your abs to Jennifer Lopez or your writing skills to JK Rowlings you would be depressed to. So you do you. As the good quote from Vonnegut that pp pointed out : your goal shouldn't be to be good at things but enjoy them. We got one life and then it's over so no need for scorekeeping. There are no "winners" after death just the legacy you leave after you with hopefully loving and caring actions in people's life.

@Bruisername She’s ok with people who she thinks aren’t better than her. This specific person, however, she feels she needs to ‘defeat’ (?) in order to feel good.

I think you should speak to her about her jealousy and how to deal with that. There is always, always, always someone better than you. If not now, then soon. Obsessing about one person in her tiny little school-based world is worrying. She won’t always be at school - what then? She has to learn to live her life as she is, not comparing herself to someone whose inner life she actually knows nothing about. Her self-esteem won’t improve until she has learned some way of not feeling jealous any more. Jealous people are unhappy and make other people unhappy.

I think the fact she’s aware of her feelings and is opening up to you is a good sign, a lot of teenage girls don’t have that kind of relationship with their parents or let these feelings fester without communicating. I agree with the posters saying therapy if possible. You don’t want jealousy affecting her friendships and relationships in adulthood

i suppose it’s a bit of a thought experiment - does she feel people she is ‘better’ than feel about her the way she feels about that girl? How does that make her feel?

it sounds like she is in a bubble - does she do things outside school? She is going to have a miserable life if she spends it comparing herself to others. There’s always going to be someone better at things but that doesn’t mean your dd can’t be successful in her chosen field and have a great adult life

also consider how you talk to her - do you ask her if she came top in the test for example

school is an artificial environment

Do you know what she’s looking at online?