Daughter super jealous of another girl in class

[cheshirecat2913]

Hello.
My DD 14 has struggled with being jealous of other people for a long long time… most recently of a girl in her class. Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort. DD has said to me it’s very difficult because this girl is better than her at everything - she said and I quote ‘she gets better grades than me even when I try, even in my favourite subject; if she surpasses me in my best subject there’s no reason for me to be here, I’m useless, I bring nothing to the table.’ The girl is also good at sports (DD isn’t and hates physical stuff), the girl has a lot of friends and seems to be quite popular (DD doesn’t have any of this) and this girl also apparently has a good home life and self esteem (The girl has a family whereas DD only really has me and is an only child.) DD’s been jealous of this girl since last year and her self esteem is plummeting at astronomically high levels. It’s difficult to watch.
WWYD??
(unsure if this is right place, first time here :-)

'Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort.'

You might not realise it but you may have given your daughter the foundation to feel this way!

'You now the sort' is a horrible way to describe a child and indicates that you may have jealous traits.

Your daughter needs to focus on her own self esteem and accept that there will always be prettier girls, higher achievement girls but her personal journey is to make her own light shine as brightly as it can and not worry that she can't outshine others .

Counselling may be a way to achieve this if you think that her feelings are more than a passing phase.

Why is the other girl responsible for your daughter's abilities or lack of.

The fact the school has said she's a concern to others is alarming. As is your dismissive attitude to the comment.

Time to have a sit down chat about why she's fixating on another child. Both with her and the school. Fixation can be a sign for other things.

Also this isn't just down to the school to 'fix'. You say the school don't do anything yet you don't seem to be intervening just expecting them to take all the action. Their first action will be to approach you because until you take the concern seriously they are limited in how much they can do until there is an incident.

@ConsuelaHammock Not an option.

@Titasaducksarse She’s super self-aware, she knows she’s jealous but she can’t stop it.

Well, could she move to another school?

@BMW6 No, like I said, not an option.

i think @frozendaisy is right that you need to look at your own behaviour and comments about achievements of others. It’s deeper than a simple statement: I’m jealous of her.
Does your daughter get enough praise from wider family? IMO it’s really good to have wider range of people praising you. It gives you better satisfaction. If it’s only mum at home it’s not so effective.

Yikes. That’s actually quite a damning label.

And then what happens when she moves school and fixates on the next popular, high achiever?

Jealousy is more of an unpicking where it comes from, rather than squashing it. You need to work with her to see comparing herself is futile. Look at the incel culture of men comparing themselves to other men and where that has gone. No one wins. It is part of life to feel driven by other's success for many people, but to harbour grudges about the people who succeed is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.

If she is self aware and able to self reflect then she needs to consider what the jealousy is achieving. The answer will be nothing good and she is negatively impacting herself.

What would happen if this girl left the school? your dd would now be top of everything at the school - but that girl is still out there being ‘better’ than her along with many other girls no doubt.

if she is a logical person work through her feelings and their rationality and their impact

She sees nothing untoward in her thought process so she isn't going to benefit from therapy. It's interesting that she's chosen to doubt the counsellor's professional competence. I wouldn't be at all surprised if that happened when she was challenged in therapy.

Do you tend to praise her for achievement?

perhaps turn it round and praise her for the effort but also for the personality traits. Eg she helped someone understand something in maths deserves praise but getting top mark in a test doesn’t in the same way

I had this with a girl at my school. We were in the same class from 5 to 18.
My advice would be never to ask about this girl's grades, or make positive comments about her.
Also try and find some activities that the girl is not involved in so that your daughter can learn other skills and build other friendships. Explorer Scouts may be one idea or a sport such as kayaking or other watersport.

I agree. I don’t think I would be brushing it off as lightly as you are.

The school thinks that she's a potential threat because of her jealousy and you think this is "silly"?

Your daughter sounds fixated with a stalker type mentality to me. Very unhealthy

And she didn't like her Counsellor because of her clothes? The way the counsellor looked?

Dear me!

I'd take your daughters feelings seriously and get her some help

• The only thing that matters is whether she is getting better at her studies/skills/behaviours. How are these tracked and encouraged ? It has to be 100% about her progress and not anyone else's. It's really important she understands this, as the answer is not for her to be better than everyone else. It's to be better than she was the month/year before.
• Have a good think about who in her life has made her feel that her value is in her achievements. Parents, grandparents, a teacher she particularly admires? It's come from somewhere. Root it out and talk about it , and get it to stop or her to be able to ignore it
• Her value to you, her family, is who she is as a person. Her uniqueness and the single one of her that arrived when she was born. Focus a lot on her qualities, her character, her personality. You love the way her hair goes behind her ears and the funny way she has of peeling a satsuma etc. There should be no indication at all that your love, approval, and value comes from anything but these things. Her successes at school , especially ones that are in comparison to others like school prizes, are incidental.

It's good to be competitive to an extent, but it does sound like if she can only be around people she feels 'better than' then that's a real issue for her interpersonal relationships. Does your dd have any diagnosis or signs of ASD? It might explain the concrete/absolute thinking.

I can see why the school would look at this as potential to harm others. Not necessarily in an extreme sense as others here have listed but her behaviour could be looked at as bullying.

I would be trying to link her in with other outlets, maybe some team hobbies where efforts are combined to get success. And I would be sourcing different counselling for her or a 1-1 youth worker. I went through a few counsellors before finding one I really felt good with.

I would be trying to focus on helping her learn to identify the good in others and how it takes all sorts to make the world go round. And I'd be careful with how you approach failure or mistakes in your household.

She said she didn't think the counsellor was very good at her job. As I said I suspect she said that because her thought process was challenged and she didn't like it.

Said girl is good at everything, you know the sort.

Sounds like she's picked up some of this attitude from you @cheshirecat2913

And your opening post sounds like you don't think your DD is up to much. Your first post sounds subtly disappointed in your DD.

Are you helping her find what sje is good at and teaching her that her only "competition" is herself? Help her find what she enjoys doing and show her you can do something for the love of it.

What hobbies and activities does your DD do outside of school and away from this sort of competition? Give your DD something that is hers, and that she does for the love of it. Keep trying different activities till she clicks with something.

What are they basing this on? Does your daughter behave in an unpleasant or threatening way towards this other girl?

So far what you've described indicates she gives up on things when she can't be the best and projects a 'woe is me' self-defeating attitude. But the school seem to be interpreting her feelings towards this girl in a more threatening way - which must be based on something

OP my friend was that girl. Sometimes I felt a bit/lot inadequate.

She's still that girl (money, marriage, kids, house, social life) while I'm still down a level or 2 😅

But her mental health is and has always been, very fragile. She suffers a lot. Some of it is due to keeping up with herself over the years (I've known her 40 years) and some to her knowing she pisses people off without meaning to.

She's a good friend and a good person but will refer to herself in very derogatory terms sometimes. When we were teens she would self harm secretly.

I'm just giving an example of how different/more complex things might be...if it's of any use to you when talking to DD.

I agree also with PP about some talking therapy. Keep trying. Sometimes takes a few false starts. If you can afford a weekly session for her with someone she is more comfortable with that might work. She does need to understand this in herself, for her own mental health.

Wow that’s quite scary, I hope the school are taking steps to protect this other girl. I hope you’re monitoring her internet usage very closely, I would consider if she should have access at all. You need to speak to your GP CAMHS etc you need support.

This.

How much time does your daughter spend with others out of school? How much much quality time do you two spend together? What extended family, including males does she have? She doesn’t sound like she has a balanced life in some aspects, and she may be getting the wrong kind of messages, role models, etc… from those around her. It’s perhaps not what many on MN wants to hear, but there is evidence that not having a good male parent can be damaging for some young females. She needs a broad exposure to lots of different people, male, female, different ages, abilities, interests, achievement to give her a measurement base.