To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

But that is down to you and how you feel. Others don’t bat an eyelid at having to do the school run in their 40’s and 50’s and even 60s

It's all individual. I had my first at 34 and would have hated to have them in my 20's. Personally i'm a much better mum for being a little older.

That's why nobody can answer this question

I had twins at 44 via IVF. Not everybody's journey is straightforward and the age has proved irrelevant as they and I are thriving!

It's hardly 'young' though is it? And statistically you are way more likely to have health issues in your early to mid 60s, and be more weary, and tire out easily, than in your early-mid 40s. So why put yourself in the position of having a teenager/a child still in education when you're in your 60s??? As I (and some others have said) do not under-estimate how menopause will fuck you up! Having a teenager/a child still in education, in your early-mid 40s/even 50, is hard enough. Having one in your 60s will be brutal!

Seriously, why would anyone elect to do this in their early 60s? Having a teenager/a child still in education, when you're 62 is not something people should aspire to. IMO. It is not elderly of course. But it is NOT young. It's not even middle aged. You're a 'Senior' then and just 3-4 years off retirement age.

Yes, and I have said as much in my previous posts on this thread. It does work out fine for some people. But the older the parent is, the higher the chance of a situation like mine occuring.

It seems clear that some people here are taking my posts about my experience as some kind of personal attack, which it's not. So I'm not going to post any further here. All I will say is that I think people need to be mindful of the risks and make plans so that their child is supported in the best possible way should the worst case scenario happen. Hopefully it won't, but a lot of people blindly assume good health will continue indefinitely and don't properly assess risk.

Having a teenager/a child still in education, when you're 62 is not something people should aspire to.

Says who? Why do you care what others choose to do? If you want to write yourself off as over the hill at 60 then fine, that's your choice.

I have a 7 year old and I'm going through perimenopause. I also run, go to the gym and work part time. It's really not that bad. Just accept that we are all different and that what is right for one person is not necessarily right for another. If you've had children early, then I can see why you wouldn't want to go back to the toddler years in your 30s or 40s but if it's your first time round, it's really not a problem.

I think it really depends on the individual. If I didn’t already have children I’d probably love to have a baby if I was 42. However personally it wouldn’t be for me. I like the independence that I’m getting from my teenagers

Why ever not?

What's unfair? I'm genuinely interested because I'm 62 with a 20 year old and all is good with us.

I think this is a really good point. Children are hard work whatever your age. Once you've had the experience you probably wouldn't choose to start all over again 10 years or whatever later. If you haven't done it you don't know how hard it might be, at any age, so there's that.

I admire good parents of any age. It's a tough job, physically, emotionally and mentally. We'll all come at it from different backgrounds with different strengths and experience. Anyone who manages to raise decent human beings, whatever age they produced them, deserves a big up. (And not to be a downer, but parents can also be terrible at any age, unfortunately ) I vote stop the ageism, in either direction!

100% agree, I think most 40 something mums of young kids (5years and under) are in denial of this.
They seem to think that they have the same amount of energy as 20 year olds.
Baffling

It’s funny how mumsnet is so anti older mums. My mum had me at almost 39. I am pregnant now at 38. Both my parents are alive and well. I know people who lost parents who were much younger than mine. I don’t see what’s “baffling “ at all. Most people my age I know are fit and healthy. Where I live it’s common to have a baby at this age.
what I find “baffling “ is all the people criticising older mums who got pregnant in their 20s. I don’t know any of any men who wanted babies in their 20s. Anyone I know who did that it was unplanned. Apparently anyway.

Exactly this.

At this age, I'm a granny. But it's exhausting in a way it wasn't at 45.

You're very lucky to have parents of almost 80 who are alive and well. But with the very best will in the world, they won't be around for much of their grandchild's life. Obviously, it's really hopeful that they will be. But what an 80 year old granny can do is nothing like what a 60 year old granny can do.

There is more to life than worrying about the relationship future children will have with grandparents. Some people are estranged completely from their families. I never really knew my grandparents.

I do think It’s lovely for children to have a relationship with their grandparents but It’s not really something I consider to be the be all and end all when having a child. I certainly don’t begrudge my parents for depriving me of a relationship with grandparents.. it’s not something I ever think about tbh

Dunno.

My nan had my dad (unplanned) at 45 and that was back in the ‘50s.

Personally, I couldn’t do it. But each to their own.

I learned from observing friends with their children and had a pretty good idea of how I wanted to do things as a result.

I wouldn't do it but wouldn't judge anyone else for it

100% this. ^ Some people are deluded on here. Of course, the odd 60 year old -with a 17 y.o. 'child' (who had them at 43) has come on to tell their story of how they are as fit as a butchers dog, super healthy, with no health issues whatsover, and everyone thinks they're ten years younger etc,' but the fact is - even if this is true - they are the exception rather than the rule,

38 and 39 is a LOT different to 44-45, which many posters on here claim is a typical age to have a baby in their 'SOCIAL CIRCLE!' 🙄 (Often it's the first!) Even so, that would be the cut off point for me to have a baby. (38.) So I would stop 'trying' at 37.

Who says they are the exception rather than the rule? Where did you find that information from? I'm assuming you've just made it up based on the health and activity (or lack of) of your own circle of friends and family.

What a 60 year old “granny” can do isn’t my concern. I don’t expect my parents to provide childcare. I wouldn’t have planned a child in my 20s based on anything their grandparents could do. It’s nothing to do with them. And I might never become a grandparent myself for all I know.

I stopped trying at 38 and then got pregnant accidentally at 41. What would you do in that position? From the sounds of things, you would terminate the pregnancy (which is fine). But I imagine that most, like me, would be absolutely delighted even if it wasn't what they would have planned.

BatchCookBabe: 38 and 39 is a LOT different to 44-45, which many posters on here claim is a typical age to have a baby in their 'SOCIAL CIRCLE!' 🙄 (Often it's the first!) Even so, that would be the cut off point for me to have a baby. (38.) So I would stop 'trying' at 37.
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That sounds sensible to me and I agree that late thirties are a lot different to mid-forties. It's not all about how you feel at the time, some people are quite fit and feel fine much older than that. Funnily enough I came over all broody at 37. Thankfully I didn't give in to it and the feeling wore off eventually. There are other things in life.

Agree. I feel like we’re saying children who don’t have their grandparents around for long, are worse off than if they’d not been born at all!

B1anche: I stopped trying at 38 and then got pregnant accidentally at 41. What would you do in that position? From the sounds of things, you would terminate the pregnancy (which is fine). But I imagine that most, like me, would be absolutely delighted even if it wasn't what they would have planned.
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Oh yes, an unplanned pregnancy is a different thing altogether and most people are delighted with their late baby. However wanting and planning to have a baby at that age is not the same at all.