To think 42 is too old for a baby?

[UnknownClam]

Posting under a NC for this as I know it might be controversial, but I need to get this off my chest.

A friend of mine has just announced she’s TTC at 42. She already has two DC (youngest is 10) and has suddenly decided she “really wants one last baby.” I know it’s her life, her choice, but I can’t help but feel like it’s too old.

I had my last DC at 38, and even then, I found the sleepless nights brutal. I can’t imagine doing it in my 40s. Also, by the time the child is a teen, she’ll be in her late 50s! And I hate to say it, but the risks of pregnancy complications and things like Down’s syndrome are much higher at that age.

She asked me what I thought, and I just smiled and said, “That’s exciting!” because I didn’t want to be rude. But deep down, I feel like it’s a bit selfish. AIBU? Would love to hear from anyone who had a baby in their 40s how was it?

Be gentle! Not trying to be a cow, just genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way.

I had my first at 41 and my second at 43.
They are now six and about to turn 5.
No health issues for any of us. It's not particularly tiring it demanding at all

Think it depends more on fitness than age. A few years older makes no difference.

I had mine in my 40s, and have no regrets. I also managed to do my masters degree while pregnant and finished it after my daughter was born. My mother on the other hand was pregnant with me at 19 and was an absolutely amazing mum. She got cancer in her 40s and died in her 50s. There's really no guarantee of anything in life. It's an individual decision. If it doesn't impact your life, it's none of your business. Also you will also be in your 50s when your child is a teen, so it's a bit like the pot calling the kettle black isn't it?

It's very common for people in their 40's to have babies. It won't be unusual for her child to have a parent of that age. And you had yours at 38 so there isn't a huge amount of difference for you to be so judgemental.

Sleepless nights are rough for everyone, not just people who are 40+.

Oh dear. Nothing is wrong with having kids in your 20s, or any age. The other poster had literally turned her nose up at older women having children,, so I was showing her how unpleasant she was being by reflecting her comments back at her. Look back at the whole conversation.

As an older mum, you constantly have people feeling they have the right to tell you that it's not what they would do, they couldn't imagine being x age when the child is y age etc etc. Isn't it interesting how it is perfectly acceptable to do that but not to make equivalent comments to younger mums? How about everyone just 'live and let live' and stop judging everyone else's life choices.

I had mine just before I turned 42. Absolutely loved every single moment of it. I'd achieved everything I wanted for the moment at work, I wasn't remotely worried about taking time off, we were financially secure and I was a much better and more patient parent than I would have been ten years before. We have no hands-on help whatsoever from grandparents but that was fine - we hadn't expect any. She was a calm, cuddly snuggler and it was just lovely. I was no more tired than anyone else I knew (quite a lot better rested than some) and her babyhood was just delightful. A year of cuddling a baby on my shoulder* and watching Friends from start to finish.

*my only regret is that I really wish I'd switched shoulders more often

Women are biologically designed to have children from their teens to their 40s. This is what previous home did. There is probably an ideal time for children but we need to less judgemental to either teen or older parents.

OP, what happens if your DC decides to have a family in their 40s. Will you still be judging? Maybe your kid will be lucky to have a friend like you are to your TTC friend, and they will secretly be super judgemental behind their backs 🤞

Oh not this again!

Circumstances led to me not having kids until my 40s. We are all fine.apart from the judgement from others of course! That’s a real pain.

My friend had a baby at 46 btw. Unplanned but she’s fine. It happens.

I despise the ageism on MN.

A friend had a baby at 46. It was a bit of a surprise, they’d been trying for a while but gave up hope of it happening and were looking into adoption. She died of cancer when the child was 8. Absolutely tragic, but could happen to any parent at any age I suppose.

Love that saying "Mind your own uterus" 😄

So she will be 62 when the child is 20, no this is not fair on the child

We had problems conceiving both times and my youngest was born when I was 40. That felt late and I personally can't imagine any later. I wish I'd had them earlier. Each to their own of course. If there is a perfect age, I'd say between 29-34 is best. Established in your career lots of life experience but just about still young enough.

In what way is it not fair on the child?

I'm always intrigued, too old for what exactly? People are always quick to judge mothers having children over 40 without actually knowing the benefits.
Older mothers don't sit around bashing younger mother. Jeez!

It’ll be her hormones going crazy before peri menopause.

I think it’s down to the individual woman, but you have to consider having an 8 year old at 50, etc. While you might feel fine, is it fair on the child to have a massive age gap with the parent?

A lot of us start later nowadays, myself included, largely because of the cost of buying a house! But the child’s rights need to be considered too.

❤️

@MidnightPatrol “test extensively” is a euphemism for screening out and aborting disabled babies. There are huge ethical concerns around this.

It's a personal choice, only your friend knows what they can cope with.

As a child of parents who had me in their 40s, I think it's too old. I now have to worry about caring responsibilities for my parents as well as bringing up my own children. My parents were "out of touch" with things when I was growing up and it made it difficult for me to not stand out like a sore thumb compared to my peers.

women In their 50’s are not decrepit these days. Many are fit and healthy and able to manage teens. I know 3 women who had babies at 44/45. One is now mid 60’s and fit and healthy. Working part time, exercising and travelling and her dc is at uni.
The others have dc at school and are fit and well.

I do wonder if this is possibly a money / education/ employment thing? I meet lots of people for work and I do think physical labour ages a body considerably. So often feel utterly knackered by your 40s after 20+ years of physical graft. On the other hand lots of professional women have the money to eat well and invest time into doing Pilates etc are in excellent physical shape by the time they hit 40s. Obviously it’s a spectrum but when I was cleaning hotels for a living I was absolutely exhausted after a shift, now I sit behind a computer and am mentally tired after a long day but not completely done in.

Yes, generally it is. Health wise of the mum.
but it is understandable if you've been unable to conceive before.

As someone who is nearer 62 to 52 that is a totally stupid observation, what do you think happens to someone at that age. You must be either very young, very unfit or both.

I know plenty of women in their 60s who are just as active and mentally sharp as they've ever been.

What would be unfair to a 20 year old.?

Fitness and health levels vary dramatically. What wouldn't be OK for one person is for another.