You don’t need to lose weight.

[KellySeveride]

This one has been getting my goat for a while so tell me AIBU?

Many moons ago I was very overweight (3 children almost back to back will do that). I worked hard and lost nearly 5 stone. I am now a healthy weight for my height. However occasionally as I creep closer to menopause my weight creeps up a little, or this time it’s because I had major surgery. Nothing significant-I gained about 5kg. So I’m currently on a concerted effort to lose the 5kg.

But I’m sick of hearing you don’t need to lose weight. Actually I do, I have reached the point where my clothes are too tight and I am uncomfortable. The problem is these comments are coming from people I know who are overweight and actively and openly dieting. I get that they might be happy to be my size but I am not.

Then there is the issue that if you convince someone they’re fine and then they gain a bit more because they’ve relaxed there’s this whole giant circle which could end up in them needing to lose more than if you’d just left them alone in the first place.

So AIBU in thinking “you don’t need to lose weight” is unhelpful verging on damaging in a lot of cases.

People are just trying to be nice … would you prefer them to say “I agree, you are getting a bit tubby”

If you don’t want opinions, don’t invite them. Don’t mention it in front of anyone.

TBH, it shouldn’t really matter what other people think.

I wouldn’t discuss it, then they won’t comment.

I think we need to have a good understanding of our own individual healthy weight and size and learn to ignore outside noise.

There are far too many value judgements and commentaries whether from a good or bad place. It's fairly standard to reassure someone they don't need to lose weight when actually, some times yes it is the better thing for their health. Or sometimes they need to gain weight. It's nice to say 'youre lovely as you are' but I do with it could just all be a bit more dispassionate.

I disagree, I don’t think people are trying to be nice, but they’re not actively being unpleasant either. I think weight is complex. Every time someone talks about someone else’s weight, they are really, on some level, talking about their own. And their own self-esteem. I think the only thing to do is to have compassion for them (because we’re all just trying to make our way in the patriarchy) and never to do the same to anyone else.

Yeah I probably wouldn't discuss it. It's a difficult one, people are so sensitive about their weight - they might find it quite hard to hear you say that, when they are so much bigger. Not your problem of course, but better not to discuss.

What do you want them to say? Yes, you're fat and you need to go on a crash diet?

Just don't invite comment on your weight if you don't like what people are going to say.

Also it works both ways and while maybe being complacent about weight gain is not good obsession with weight and shaming people about relatively trivial weight gain is worse in my view. People obsessing with their weight on a day to day basis doesn't help anyone lose weight and is more likely to trigger eating disorders.

I agree with you OP. You need support for weight loss and the ‘you’re fine as you are’ brigade is not helpful, when you are not fine for you. You know how you feel and what makes you feel comfortable in your body.
Congratulations on your 5 stone!!! 5 kg is nothing for you!!!

I’m trying to lose weight as I am now officially overweight and am the heaviest I’ve ever been. I’m very petite and should really be a couple of stone lighter than I am.

People (who I don’t know that well, colleagues etc) always say this. It doesn’t really bother me but I wish they wouldn’t as it’s not helpful - they think they’re “being kind” whereas they’re just making you doubt yourself.

I would agree with you but I’m over sugar coating shit having watched my older siblings develop type 2 diabetes, complications killed my brother.

There is also the slant that people are self reflecting on their own weight issues.

"Perhaps. But I want to and will feel better for it."

But really, just don't talk about it. I only talk about weight with one or tow very close friends.

I am doing a 5Kg reset , not overweight , but if it keeps creeping up, it keeps creeping up.

BUT I have told no one in RL I am doing it. I am just getting in with it.

If you tell people you invoke all sorts of reactions depending on sensitivities or ‘social norms’. As you have found.

It's better than them sighing and saying 'I'm presuming you're going for the sleeve and ozempic as you need to shift about seven stone don't you?'
They're trying to say that to them you look well and a healthy size. Just get on with reaching your goal and don't worry about what others are saying. If you are in a healthy range it's true to say it wouldn't be wise to go into the underweight category. Even if you think it looks good. But I'm sure you know that.

You are looking for support from the wrong people. Maybe find others who just want to shift a few pounds to talk with - those pesky last few pounds that just WON'T shift can be very difficult to hear about for those who are trying to lose three stone, and vice versa.

And it also makes people feel better to say 'you don't need to lose weight'. It's what they are secretly telling themselves too. So find yourself a group - I think there are several on here - who are fighting that last half stone, and you will get plenty of support; don't mention it to anyone else.

I agree with you that it's annoying, but then I find myself doing it as well, because what else can you say? You can't say "You're right", and silence speaks volumes as well.

Better than the other option... When I worked overseas, my very lovely colleague from a very forthright nation was walking up the stairs behind me and out of the blue stated very matter of fact... "Hey Coffee you've put some weight on haven't you?!" Erm, yes, I have, thanks for pointing that out mate! 😂

I think on the whole, people are trying to be nice when saying you don't need to lose weight. Just because they've said it doesn't mean you have to stop your efforts. I usually say something like "Aw, thanks, you're too kind, but you should see me nekked...!" followed by a laugh. That usually stops the conversation! 😂

I do know what you mean. I've lost over 50lbs and very close to being back to pre-kids weight. I look very slim compared to how people have been used to seeing me for the past 12 years but I know what weight I feel comfortable at so am still aiming to lose a few more lbs. I don't bring it up but I very often get 'wow, you've lost so much weight! You're not trying to lose any more right?' Or similar. Always from people who are overweight, often on their own weight loss journey.
I just tune it out and carry on doing what I'm doing

I didn’t tell anyone I was doing it when I lost 3 stone, either.

I would occasionally say (if necessary ) ‘I’m having a bit of a healthy eating adjustment’ or ‘I’m cutting down on alcohol’ and change the subject in social situations. And have a teeny sliver of cake or whatever. Or herb tea instead of dessert.

I’d hazard a guess if people told you that you’re fat and need to lose weight you wouldn’t be perfectly ok with that so what do you want them to say…?

I get this. People say, 'Oh you're so slim' and I'm actually not, I'm just tall and that hides it.

If I didn't sometimes make a concerted effort to drop half a stone, my weight would just go on creeping up. I can face trying to lose 7-10lb, but not much more. I have utter respect for people who manage to lose lots of weight - it takes so much willpower.

Maybe stop talking to people about dieting and losing weight? It puts them in a difficult position. What are they supposed to comment? 'yes you are looking a bit chunky'.

Other people don't know what you want to hear. Don't discuss it if you don't like what they have to say.

It's difficult not to mention it sometimes, though. "Why aren't you having any cake?" "Because I'm trying to lose weight".

It depends. Are you making a big song and dance about how you couldn't possibly eat the piece of cake in the staff room because you are busting out of your clothes? Or are you voicing self-loathing comments about "feeling/looking too fat". Either way, you're soliciting a response. Don't ask, don't tell. Just get on with it.

Me? No, I hate that kind of "Ooh, eating cake is so naughty!" song and dance. I just say it factually if challenged.

It's OK now, but those kind of comments really didn't help me when I was younger. I'm autistic you see, so I thought someone saying "You don't need to lose weight" meant they actually thought I didn't need to lose weight. Crazy huh?! 😆 So I bobbed along being a couple of stone overweight all through my twenties...

“I just don’t fancy it”

at no point do you need to mention it’s because you are loosing weight.

I’m on the jabs, I just say “no thanks” .. not need for any qualification, and people don’t question