You don’t need to lose weight.

[KellySeveride]

This one has been getting my goat for a while so tell me AIBU?

Many moons ago I was very overweight (3 children almost back to back will do that). I worked hard and lost nearly 5 stone. I am now a healthy weight for my height. However occasionally as I creep closer to menopause my weight creeps up a little, or this time it’s because I had major surgery. Nothing significant-I gained about 5kg. So I’m currently on a concerted effort to lose the 5kg.

But I’m sick of hearing you don’t need to lose weight. Actually I do, I have reached the point where my clothes are too tight and I am uncomfortable. The problem is these comments are coming from people I know who are overweight and actively and openly dieting. I get that they might be happy to be my size but I am not.

Then there is the issue that if you convince someone they’re fine and then they gain a bit more because they’ve relaxed there’s this whole giant circle which could end up in them needing to lose more than if you’d just left them alone in the first place.

So AIBU in thinking “you don’t need to lose weight” is unhelpful verging on damaging in a lot of cases.

It’s all relative. I may look at a friend who is smaller than me and think they don’t need to lose weight, but they feel like they do.

As someone else said, would you rather someone agreed with you and said ‘yeah I think so too fatty’.

I'm forming the impression you take yourself and your weight 'journey' a bit too seriously.

Either talk about it - and accept that someone who has less than a stone they feel they need to lose is likely to attract such comments. Or DON'T talk about it. Third option: be very circumspect about WHO you talk to about it.

How do they know you're trying to lose it unless you tell them? If you mention it then they are likely to comment. Yes, you do need to lose weight/ you don't need to lose weight/ oh are you/or ignore you.
Shut up about it and they won't know.

Ha it’s when they don’t say it and nod agreement then I think - oh.
Just don’t talk about it. I mean how do they know you are trying to lose? If they say anything just smile passively and change the subject.
On the other end I had an acquaintance who was very fit and I think in an effort to be ‘friendly and relatable’ said, when I mentioned I was doing X to lose weight, ‘oh yes I need to lose weight too’. Like I could see every muscle in her body already (she had a six pack even). I just looked at her like ‘don’t even try and say that’. I’m not saying she can’t be dissatisfied with her body but not in the weight area!

Exactly - I'm losing a few pounds but no one knows about it so of course no one will come up to me and say "You don't need to lose weight". They would only say that in the context of "Would you like a biscuit?", "No, I'm on a diet", "Oh but you don't need to lose weight".
Just don't mention it. Make up other excuses for turning down treats etc. like "No, thanks, I'm full." Then no one will mention your weight!

I agree OP.

I have recently lost 3 stone and saw some friends last weekend that I haven't seen for a while so everyone noticed and commented on it, which is fine. Someone asked if I was planning to lose more and I said I have about two stone to go until I reach a healthy weight.

The friend I was sharing a room with over the weekend WOULD NOT STOP commenting all weekend 'you don't need to lose another two stone!!!!'. I realise people think they are being polite or offering a compliment but it just got really patronising and annoying. I just kept smiling and changing the subject. (This friend is very slim by the way.)

I take neither particularly seriously. It’s just nice to offer relatable experience yet the response is more often than not the you don’t need to lose weight.

It’s clearly very divisive because even the poll shows it to be fairly evenly split…so I am neither being reasonable or unreasonable it seems.

I completely agree OP. I do believe in fitness at any size to an extent - I’m much fitter than friends who are slimmer than me because they do no exercise whereas I do cardio and strength but I also think we need to be real about the impact that carrying additional weight has on health. I think there is a toxic strand to body positivity that is deluded about the impact that excess weight has.

I get this loads OP. I need to shift a few pounds from my middle but everyone just says “oooh you only weigh 3 stone wet through”. It is annoying. Weight around your middle is not good at my age but because my arms and legs are thin everyone just belittles me and tells me I’m being daft.

I’ve stopped talking about it.

For about the millionth time, because it's fucking noticeable! I've lost a significant amount of weight (5 stone), I don't talk about it unless asked and shut it down quickly. You don't need to mention it first, talk about etc for people to notice....because they have eyes!

I would never comment on anyone's weight, I wish other people wouldn't either

I would never talk about something like this

Excuse the mess = It looks fine! I'm 55 = you don't look it! I'm on a diet = you dont need to lose weight! Its a meaningless social pleasantry. Really no need to overthink it. The chances are the person is making a sneeze/bless you response rather than trying to keep you overweight because they are threatened if they're slim or jealous if they're not.

🤣🤣🤣 ‘journey’ and ‘silenced’

My God you really are up your own arse OP aren’t you?

😂

Sorry my choice of words offended you so much 🤷‍♀️

I agree. My wife says it and I feel angry even though I know she loves me as I am! I'm in the obese catagory on the NHS website! Of course I need to bloody lose weight 😅

But you're not being silenced are you? People appear to be listening and responding to you talking about your weight in what they clearly believe to be a flattering way. Its you who seems to want to silence other people, because they're not saying what you want to hear. In fairness to them, I'm not sure what you do want to hear? If they said "Yes, I can see you have gained weight. What a shame when you looked so good 50kg lighter! I agree, no cake for you!" Would that be any better? Or are they just supposed to stay silent while you talk?

Sorry quoted you @Exasperated24 I was responding to OP.

You misunderstood, I was talking about the people responding to the thread saying I should just not talk about it. I don’t think the people I am talking about in my OP are trying to silence me.

I am not trying to silence them either, I am just saying that saying “you don’t need to lose weight” is not helpful, why not ask how it’s going or what I’m doing in order to lose the weight.

why not ask how it’s going or what I’m doing in order to lose the weight.

Because maybe they couldn't care less 😳

They didn't force more food into your body than needed, so why would they feel the need to know how you're dealing with it?

'You don't need to lose weight' is just a typically British polite reply that generally means nothing.

Like "Hi, how are you?" when someone quickly breezes past in a corridor. They're not expecting you to stop them and list all your medical ailments.

Fair point and one I accept. Maybe it is just a standard polite response.

But also based on responses of other people on this thread I am not the only one bothered by it as a response.

I was talking about the fact you want to lose a further 5kg how do they know you want to lose more unless you are still talking about it? So they are all asking are you wanting to lose more - lots of people all asking you .

You said it was many moons ago you were overweight and lost 5 stone. You posted about wanting to lose 5kg and they are telling you know so before you start papping on about it being the millionth time you have said something - look at what you wrote initially.

I don't like it when people start talking about their weight and dieting, especially if it's someone I'm not very close with. It is an awkward situation and you never know if someone is fishing for a compliment, looking for advice, support or just making conversation. If you don't want comments about your weight don't talk about it.

Yes OP it’s annoying & tedious & double standards. Like why is it ok for you to be on a diet but I’m not allowed to be? Why are you allowed to judge my choices & my body? Unfortunately the whole topic is so triggering & sensitised for so many that any talk of it can be a minefield. Some say it bcos they genuinely don’t think you need to, (but they don’t live in your body & you’re not offering up the topic for public debate anyway just stating a fact), some say it bcos they think you’re being too harsh on yourself/believe in body positivity (despite the health disadvantages), some bcos it throws into question their weight & diet choices, some bcos they feel threatened that you’ll look better if you do, some bcos they just like to dictate to others what they should & shouldn’t do, some bcos they’ve got an ED & the topic is triggering & on & on & on lol. A minefield & completely tedious. You then get the ones that will try to flip it on you & make you out to have an ED when you’re just trying to feel better, lose a few pounds & feel healthier!