You don’t need to lose weight.

[KellySeveride]

This one has been getting my goat for a while so tell me AIBU?

Many moons ago I was very overweight (3 children almost back to back will do that). I worked hard and lost nearly 5 stone. I am now a healthy weight for my height. However occasionally as I creep closer to menopause my weight creeps up a little, or this time it’s because I had major surgery. Nothing significant-I gained about 5kg. So I’m currently on a concerted effort to lose the 5kg.

But I’m sick of hearing you don’t need to lose weight. Actually I do, I have reached the point where my clothes are too tight and I am uncomfortable. The problem is these comments are coming from people I know who are overweight and actively and openly dieting. I get that they might be happy to be my size but I am not.

Then there is the issue that if you convince someone they’re fine and then they gain a bit more because they’ve relaxed there’s this whole giant circle which could end up in them needing to lose more than if you’d just left them alone in the first place.

So AIBU in thinking “you don’t need to lose weight” is unhelpful verging on damaging in a lot of cases.

People are totally irrational about weight and talk about dieting. They think that telling you that you don't need to lose weight is supportive in some way. This is because it's seen as an insult to say that someone is overweight, rather than a statement of fact. It's like entering the twilight zone when you start talking about weight with people so I personally wouldn't bother.

Don’t mention it to others, esp those who are actually overweight and trying to diet. Just maintain an air of mystery and silence, much like you’re doing on this thread so far. 😀

OP hasn't said she's talking to people about her weight!

But isn't it up to the individual to decide for themself? Why does it seem people need other people to make decisions for them?

I also hate when people call me "skinny". My hip measurement is 37 inches. I am not skinny. I might have teeny tiny boobs admittedly but the rest of me is not. I'm not sure if it's my own connotations but "slim" is fine, "skinny" means skin and bones/anorexic to me? The only worse descriptor imo is "scrawny" but that's too obviously rude!

I never ever talk about weight but somehow people still manage to shoehorn a comment in!

Well then why are people telling her she doesn't need to lose weight - just out of the blue? I've never had someone just say that to me - it seems pretty clear she raised it first.

Well YANBU but

Who are you telling your personal business to and why?

Then there is the issue that if you convince someone they’re fine and then they gain a bit more because they’ve relaxed there’s this whole giant circle which could end up in them needing to lose more than if you’d just left them alone in the first place.

If anyone has the power to convince them of this then they weren't serious about losing in the first place.

So no, it's not verging on 'damaging' if we're to assume the overweight adult is able to make all their own choices.

YANBU if you are getting unsolicited comments from people who are simply walking up to you and telling you that you don't need to lose weight.

YABU if you are engaging in conversations about weight loss and don't like what you're hearing from people who are just trying to be nice. Don't talk about it, just do it.

Do you think they're just walking past her at the bus stop and randomly saying, "Hey, you don't need to lose weight"? 😁

No, I wouldn't have thought it was random people, I'd assume OP is talking about people she knows

It's not that difficult to understand, I have people that I KNOW telling me the same thing! Nowhere has OP said it's random strangers, I'd be very surprised if that's what she's meant

I recently lost 2 stone. It was post baby, middle age, menopause weight. I was a size 14-16 BMI 28, in the overweight category at 5 ft 3.

I’m sick of the amount of people who have an opinion about my weight. I say nothing to any of them but I am constantly bombarded with comments. Some are nice like, you look great how did you do it? Most are “ you need to stop now, you’ve lost too much, you aren’t looking good now” and yes “you don’t need to lose weight”.

I am a healthy weight now. A bmi of 25, 9.5 stone. A size 10-12. It’s healthy. Anyone would think I’ve got an eating disorder. I eat more than anyone I know. I just don’t eat crap.

I’m sick of it too.

Who on earth is constantly bombarding you with comments?

How bloody rude.

"Please do not comment on my weight" should shut it down. If they have the audacity to come back with "oh but I am concerned" (as a way to explain their rudeness), then say "I am a healthy weight, please do not comment"

Are you talking about weight loss? I feel like that is a polite response. I have lost weight but I don’t mention it unless asked or commented upon. I do think our perceptions of fat have changed so overweight bmi = average normal bmi = very slim.

Sorry I disappeared for a while I had an errand to run.

To answer a few questions/comments. No I’m not the one to bring it up but I like most people do enjoy joining in with conversations therefore if it’s appropriate ill
mention it. Yes they are people I know and not random strangers 🤣.

The message seems to be I shouldn’t talk about it. That seems a little unfair, I have to be silenced about my journey because I’m not “overweight” according to BMI or whatever.

People have lost sight of what healthy is and are often jealous when others lose weight.
I lost 3.5 stone about 7 years ago and have generally kept it off, maybe half a stone has been gained and lost. A few of my friends will comment ‘you’re tiny’ (only ever the ones that are overweight). Actually at 5.2 I’m still just over the top of my bmi range. I think people get used to seeing you one way so it can be hard to change that view.
I never discuss my weight with anyone but still get comments!

I just don’t talk about it. I can’t see why any of it is anybody’s business either way.

Plus diet and body shape chat is second only to Crypto in the dull conversation stakes.

If they are fatter than you, and you join in, they will hate you. FACTS. Just shut up about it or change the subject.

Also on MN women with BMI of about 25 and always whinging about how massive they are, so if you are one of these then also shhhh

But even if you know them, they're hardly likely to randomly come out with 'You don't need to lose weight', unless you've been talking about it are they?

Just like they wouldn't randomly say 'You don't need a filling', if you haven't mentioned your teeth or the dentist.

Every time someone talks about someone else’s weight, they are really, on some level, talking about their own

This is very true.

Ignore them OP. You know what's right for you.

Oh give over about 'your journey'.

You were overweight, you lost weight just like millions of other people in the world.

How is that a 'journey'?

You don't have to be 'silenced' but if you don't want people to comment, then stop telling them your personal business.

Wow so because my journey with my weight isn’t as severe as someone else’s I have to shut up and I’m hated…that’s just great! I didn’t realise it was a competition.

And no I do not bang on about how massive I am.

I didn’t want to use the word struggle because it seemed to emotive. It was just a descriptor, you are reading too much into it.

I don't know why you give their comments any headspace? Personally, if I knew I wanted to lose weight, other people's comments telling me not to wouldn't make the slightest impression on me. I wouldn't think about them for a millisecond. They're completely irrelevant!

Agree, I'm halfway through losing 1.5 stone. Cos I'm tall and perceived as 'not fat' people get annoyed if I mention it as if I'm letting the side down somehow or reminding them that yes, actually being a bit overweight is not good for you and not anti-'body positivity'. But fact is, I had an unhealthy BMI, a lot of fat around my middle and doctor told me to lose weight.