You don’t need to lose weight.

[KellySeveride]

This one has been getting my goat for a while so tell me AIBU?

Many moons ago I was very overweight (3 children almost back to back will do that). I worked hard and lost nearly 5 stone. I am now a healthy weight for my height. However occasionally as I creep closer to menopause my weight creeps up a little, or this time it’s because I had major surgery. Nothing significant-I gained about 5kg. So I’m currently on a concerted effort to lose the 5kg.

But I’m sick of hearing you don’t need to lose weight. Actually I do, I have reached the point where my clothes are too tight and I am uncomfortable. The problem is these comments are coming from people I know who are overweight and actively and openly dieting. I get that they might be happy to be my size but I am not.

Then there is the issue that if you convince someone they’re fine and then they gain a bit more because they’ve relaxed there’s this whole giant circle which could end up in them needing to lose more than if you’d just left them alone in the first place.

So AIBU in thinking “you don’t need to lose weight” is unhelpful verging on damaging in a lot of cases.

I get where you're coming from OP, I've lost two stone and am getting the "you don't need to lose anymore" comments from people. And I'm not the one bringing the topic up - it's usually they tell me I'm looking well, which is kind, and then I get the "you've lost enough". I just say thanks, I'm feeling great, and don't engage with the "you've lost enough" comment. I have another 21lbs to lose, they'd probably stage an intervention if I told them that!
It's family members and work colleagues - I genuinely think none of it is meant badly but it is more to do with them than me. People have a mental picture of you and by changing it can make them feel odd, a bit disconcerted. It's like they're saying "I'm just getting used to how you look now, don't be changing again".

Hardly comparable, weight loss is noticeable, a filling isn't.

Weight loss threads really annoy some people, making assumptions about the OP, criticising them...all very sad really

I don't think they're trying to be nice; I think it's a knee jerk kind of comment. I suspect they're either trying to politely shut down the conversation or they're really hoping you'll reply with "Oh neither do you (need to lose weight)!“ I would be the former because it's the most boring subject for a conversation.

Yes, people will literally say this out of nowhere if you've lost significant amounts of weight. I've had it happen several times

People who describe something as perfectly normal as losing some weight, as a weight loss 'journey', do tend to invite comment.

Otherwise the person/people they're telling are just going to sit there in silence aren't they?

You can't control what others choose to say, you can only control what you say.

So it's your choice 🤷‍♂️

I'd find that annoying as well - as is being told not to lose any more weight when you've lost some - but the answer is not to discuss your weight or weight-loss attempts with other people.

Just don't talk about your weight! If you tell people you're trying to lose weight, 99% of people will say you don't need to, because the polite, British thing to say. I'm currently losing a few pounds but haven't told a soul so no one has ever said I don't need to.

Gosh I would never agree with someone that they need to lose weight. I think that is so rude. I always say something along the lines of "you look great" it puts people in an awkward position. I agree with a pp, say nothing to anyone and just quietly go about losing the weight , if that's what you want to do! I don't like unsolicited comments about my own weight, even if I've lost weight it just feels that people are judging and paying too much attention, which is rude imo.

That's the difference I guess. I join in with conversations but not about my weight.

If a friend mentions that they want to lose a bit, I'll say "good for you".

I'm pretty sure by this stage in your life you've realised that body size in women is a competition.

And if you weigh less than your friends and they are needing to lose weight, and you are saying 'ooh me too' then what they hear is "Jesus yes, if I was you I'd need to lose absolutely loads."

I was talking about this with my dad the other day. He said he was three stone overweight according to his BMI, and he should be 9 stone. But he is tall and lanky, and far from being chunky. So he wouldn't look right at 9 stone.
But its your individual choice, and obviously I don't know what you look like, so if you feel uncomfortable, then go for it.

Keep quiet if you don't like what others have to say in response. The choice is yours.

By what measure should a tall man be 9 stone?
A less than average height man is very slim at 9 stone. Is he looking at the very bottom of the range?

A 6 foot person (ie tall) is perfectly healthy at 12 stone (what your Dad believes is 3 stone overweight).

I think your Dad has got something wrong somewhere. Surely just by looking at himself he can see he is not 3 stone overweight.

It's a bit rude of them to comment and irritating that they imply they know better than you.

I think if someone gains or loses less than a stone and a half, it's not really noticeable to other people. It's noticeable to the person though because you feel how you carry it, how it feels when you sit down or move, how tight or comfortable your clothes are etc. So no they don't know better!

People are a bit dim sometimes as well. I'm my 20s and 30s I was very slim partly because I always watched what I ate. If I politely refused a biscuit or some chocolate I'd be told "oh but you're slim, you don't need to watch what you eat". Erm. No, I'm slim because I DO watch what I eat.

I'm plumper now as I can't be arsed

I agree, we were saying he looks fine at 12 stone, and 5 ft 9. Any less he will look skeletal.

Yes there's something definitely wrong here.

I'm 5ft 3" and bang on 9 stone, which is in about the middle of a healthy BMI.

Apparently his BMI score is 25.7, which does put him just into the overweight category, but to look at him, you wouldn't think there was a problem.

I get this @KellySeveride. People comment when you are overweight, underweight or the ‘perfect’ weight.

I’ve given up caring tbh. I want to be happy in my own skin, no one else gets a say.

OK, well he's not particularly tall for starters - average I think.
I disagree that he would look skeletal at less than 12 stone though.
Is he Asian? 12 stone at 5'9" is a little bit overweight.

It sounds like he has some body image issues, I hope he's OK.

It's the kind of thing I have said to friends and I have meant it. Never occurred to me to say 'oh, well yes - you do need to lose weight' because that wouldn't be true from my POV. What is the correct answer, really? So, I think it's best just to not talk about it and just get on with it yourself.

To be honest, I am not sure why people like to tell others about their weight loss plans. I have gone on a deliberate effort to shift weight on a couple of occassions in my life but I have never thought to tell people about it. It's about as interesting a topic of discussion as how far someone ran this morning.

yeah he's okay x

The message seems to be I shouldn’t talk about it. That seems a little unfair, I have to be silenced about my journey because I’m not “overweight” according to BMI or whatever.

Up to you. The advice not to talk about it is pragmatic - because you don’t like the responses you get when you do talk about it.

I agree with you that the comments are unhelpful, but this thread explains many of the reasons that people say ‘stuff’, and the complex sensitivity around any response to weight, diet etc.

Choice is yours.

This sums up my experience a heck of a lot. The wild assumption that because you are slim then it’s natural and you’ve never had to work at it. Except my whole adult life I’ve had to be sensible about what I eat.

But so what if they assume you've never had to work on it?

Why does it matter to you what they assume?

You became overweight, you lost some weight.

Surely that's all that matters?

I hear you, and yes it's true. I worked in an office where the ladies had weight loss charts up (above their desks). I put one up to lose a stone, and I got death stares with "you don't need to lose weight!" It doesn't matter how small or long our weight loss journeys are, they are all valid.