You don’t need to lose weight.

[KellySeveride]

This one has been getting my goat for a while so tell me AIBU?

Many moons ago I was very overweight (3 children almost back to back will do that). I worked hard and lost nearly 5 stone. I am now a healthy weight for my height. However occasionally as I creep closer to menopause my weight creeps up a little, or this time it’s because I had major surgery. Nothing significant-I gained about 5kg. So I’m currently on a concerted effort to lose the 5kg.

But I’m sick of hearing you don’t need to lose weight. Actually I do, I have reached the point where my clothes are too tight and I am uncomfortable. The problem is these comments are coming from people I know who are overweight and actively and openly dieting. I get that they might be happy to be my size but I am not.

Then there is the issue that if you convince someone they’re fine and then they gain a bit more because they’ve relaxed there’s this whole giant circle which could end up in them needing to lose more than if you’d just left them alone in the first place.

So AIBU in thinking “you don’t need to lose weight” is unhelpful verging on damaging in a lot of cases.

I never "just don't fancy cake" though. So that would be a lie, wouldn't it. Did you miss the part where I said I was autistic?! 😆

I can only ever mention that I feel uncomfortable with my weight to a very, very few people. Either people who are very close to me, or other very slim people.
I know what is normal/healthy for me and if it creeps up by 1/2 stone I feel uncomfortable.
Just because I am slim doesn't mean I can be happy to get heavier and heavier even if I am still within the healthy BMI range.

If I told anyone outside of the people I know and trust or I know 'get it' then it would look like I was fishing for "oh but you don't need to lose weight" comments.

It's really noones business but yours. But I guess if you talk about your weight with people, they think they can have a view?

I manage my weight pretty closely. Not obsessively (we dont own scales), but I'd rather have 2lbs to lose than 2 stone, as I know I'd find 2 stone insurmountable. And I'm conscious that gaining just 1lb a year means you're 10lbs heavier after a decade - which at my height is a lot.

BUT I've never mentioned any of this to anyone in my life. I've never alluded to weight at all. Noone would ever know I was 'being careful' for a couple of weeks. So I never get comments.

So try keeping it to yourself from now OP.

I know what you mean. I put on 3kg following having to be on steroids for an autoimmune condition. It’s taken a month to lose 1.5kg. If I don’t, the majority of my clothes don’t fit and I have been living in leggings for nearly 5 months. People tell me I look great etc. however I don’t feel great and my clothes don’t fit! It might be fine for some to embrace it and get new clothes but I cannot afford to do that! My health means I cannot exercise much either so the weight loss is sloooowwww and mainly through fasting. I hear you OP.

I have never really discussed my weight or efforts to lose weight with anyone, other than DH of course. I’m not really a fan of putting myself in a position for other people to have an opinion on something deeply personal.

i can highly recommend it

It's not a choice between saying I agree you're a bit tubby and no, you're perfectly healthy even if you put on even more. You can say nothing or you can talk about exercise generally and a million and one things in between.

It was an example of something you can say, but that it’s the only thing to say.

You don’t have to qualify every statement

My husband is Autistic, as if my daughter .. so please don’t talk to me like I don’t understand Autism.

I find people comment whether you invite them to or not. I've recently lost a large amount of weight, I don't talk about it but the number of people who say stuff like this is ridiculous...my favourite being "you look gaunt now". I've still got around 1.5 stones to lose

People always say that because it’s polite. Not because they think otherwise.
It’s like asking to put in someone’s suitcase for their hols or suggesting the neighbour washes your car. It’s not genuine, just a standard friendly pleasantry.

You don't actually need to lose weight though. You want to. And people are presumably only commenting because you are mentioning it. Stop mentioning it and people will stop commenting on your weight

I agree with this. I actually havent mentioned my weight loss to anyone other than a few close friends but once you lose a certain amount you get alot of unsolicited comments - mostly people being complimentary but there are also the 'don't get too thin' and 'you've lost enough now' comments too

I voted YABU because if you don't want comments, don't discuss it.
I need to lose half a stone and I'm in the process of doing so but I never mention it to anyone. And as you have found, everyone has an agenda and will either tell you you're doing it wrong (and should be doing low carb, intermittent fasting, running 5 miles a day, or whatever their thing is) or they say you don't need to. It's just hassle so I don't discuss it.

If you don't mention it they won't know... people are just miffed that you are doing well and they cba

I generally think refraining from commenting on other peoples efforts to lose weight - or lack of same - is generally the best approach. Exceptions to this rule are cirumstances where a person you're close to is either gaining or losing weight rapidly and needs help (though not if they're overweight and have taken up eating healthily and exercising) or if you're explicitly invited to give your opinion. Otherwise having a person tell you they're trying to lose a bit of weight so not having cake today should not prompt a lesson on whether or not they actually need to lose weight.

We've lost sight of what a healthy weight is and health bodies should look like. I can relate to the OP. I was overweight and it took me ages to lose the weight. But now if I skip on cake or biscuits because I'm a few too many pounds up people make a massive song and dance about it.

Controversial but i think a lot of people dont like to see others suceed in losing weight. It seems a very competitive thing amongst women.

I was almost 18st and got down to 12st.

I was still classed as overweight by my BMI and my belly was still huge, I started mounjaro to lose the last few stone as i had gotten stuck.

So many people said I didnt need to lose it and I was going too far.

So many negative comments.

I'm now 9stone and feel so healthy. GP said my weight was perfect now for my health.

But people are asking me if im going to gain a little. I'm a size 10/12!

The thing is when you lose a large amount of weight, it's noticeable so people can't help commenting. I've never mentioned it to others except my partner or close friends and only when they mention it first. Don't just assume that OP is talking about it to all and sundry

It’s a tricky one because people don’t really care about it the way you do, they’re just saying something they think is nice in the moment.

Thats not to say I don’t agree with what you’re saying, my hair has thinned due to medication I’m on and people say ‘Well you had thick hair, mine’s always been like yours is now’ Which is fair enough, no I’m not bald, but it still isn’t normal for me.

I’d also dislike it if they said ‘You’re right, it is like a rats tail.’ 😆 or in your case if they said, ‘Yes, that 5kg is showing’

I agree that most people will not say yes you really need to lose weight. Just as if someone said they were going for a breast enlargement people wouldn’t say ‘Hell yes, it must be awful being so flat chested, you look like a man,’

Why are you telling her what she does and doesn’t need?

People are probably trying to be nice. The easiest solution is to not get into conversations about your weight with other people.

What about “and how are you getting on? Are you finding it easy or tricky?”

Its just conversation.

But I’m sick of hearing you don’t need to lose weight. Actually I do, I have reached the point where my clothes are too tight and I am uncomfortable. The problem is these comments are coming from people I know who are overweight and actively and openly dieting. I get that they might be happy to be my size but I am not.

I think YABU talking about needing to lose weight to people who are more overweight than you. Just shut up about it and they won't make any comments back.

Well you certainly gave that impression 🙄.

I hear you. I’m 10 stone 9 pounds. Up until the age of about 35 I weighed 9 stone all my life. I’d love to shift a stone. I’m really trying to. But three of my closest friends are more overweight than me, much more in fact. I can’t join in the chats about diet or exercise as they just shoot me down and say you don’t need to lose weight. I just shut up now. They get on my nerves as they say how slim I am (I’m not) and I probably get on theirs because I only need to lose a stone and not 4 stone. So yeah I say nothing now.