Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Sounds like he can afford a lawyer so he should get one immediately. She will be forced to grant access

He’s not being denied access, he can see baby at its mother’s home. I think that’s perfectly reasonable considering the baby is just 6 weeks old and needs to be with it’s mother.

she is already granting access.

You're being utterly batshit. You can't even seem to separate yourself from your 19 year old, but you cant understand a mother not seperating herself from a 6 week old?! Why aren't you making your son take responsibility for his actions rather than babying him? How long have you been harassing this woman to have the baby by yourself? I suggest you also stop lying about access, she's not withholding it at all, she's just not dancing to your tune.

You came on to ask if you were BU. And now you're offended that people have said you're BU. 🙄

No she won’t because she’s not denying access.

Grannies don’t have legal rights to 6 week old grandchildren in their home, hope this helps.

OP does your son even want 50/50 or have you told him he does to avoid paying CM?

This was my DH years ago, although he was a bit older. He went to court for access as his ex was refusing access completely. The court ruled he could have access at his home but with the mother present, so she came to his house while he saw his son. This then progressed to access at her parents house without her present as his son got older. Eventually this then moved to him having access on his own as the baby got older. Certainly at six weeks the courts wouldn't have agreed to the baby being handed over for a few hours without the mother being present. You need to slow down and be patient, and try to build a good working relationship with the baby's mother based on trust and respect if at all possible.

So she's not refusing access them?

At 6 weeks old you visit the baby, the baby doesn't visit you. Is this more about you wanting the baby at your house?

I am really shocked you think it is appropriate to take a 6 week old baby away from its mum! Your son should be visiting at the mum’s house and they should be bonding there together. I think you sound pretty angry and unreasonable. I predict a long 18 years ahead…..

Also make sure DS is not causing stress with demands or arguments this early, PND is already higher risk with it being unplanned, the relationship not working out and her age, added stress increases that risk.
The best way to bond at this age is little and often, can DS arrange 3 evenings a week to pop over for an hour, then a longer time at the weekend rather than just one longer visit.
The primary thing you need to focus on is making sure DS is being mature and focusing on getting along well with the baby as the focus.

6 weeks old? Going to take time for this, need to wait a bit longer.

At 6 weeks old the baby is too young to be away from mum. She's said he's welcome to see baby at her place, that's perfectly acceptable. You and your son sound immature and unreasonable. You both need to treat the baby's mother well, she will be a part of your lives for years to come. You cannot ignore her and embrace the child. Build a better relationship and respect boundaries. Go over with gifts and congratulate her, welcome her into your life.

6 weeks is too little so yes you are being unreasonable.
Your DS needs to build up bond time and as the weather gets better take baby for a walk in the pram firstly with babies mum then build up.
They also need to go to court and arrange a custody agreement, but courts very rarely award overnight before a baby is 1.

This is about what's best for the baby and at 6 weeks that's not being away from mum. Your son (and you) are going to have to suck it up and build a bond until baby is a bit older.

Did you miss the age of the child and the fact that they want to take it for weekends?

The relationship has already broken down so much that they can't even speak to each other, you've got a young mother who is doing all the nights, all the day times (appreciate she might be getting help from her parents but it's still on her) and here's you pair demanding that the baby is left with a near stranger and a boy who can't put his needs behind that of his baby?

He needs to grow up and do what's right for his baby, and that's a small amount of contact at the mum's house, providing for his child and working to repairing their relationship so they can at least be civil.

I think you need to back out , your son needs to sort this out himself . As for access I think pushing to get the baby alone will drive her further in the other direction but going to somewhere she's comfortable and her being there is a good start .eventually she may allow you to have the baby alone . You say you only met her a couple of times before baby arrived , so she doesn't know you very well and trust needs to be built up over time .

Your son (not you) needs to get his head around that he is now tied into a coparenting relationship with his child's mother for the next 18 years, and he's going to need to find the maturity to do this. No, a court would not order her to hand her 6 week old baby to you and I suspect this is more you than him, and you're the one looking forward to raising this child away from its mother as much as possible. That will not help your son's case at all. This is a child and not a toy he has a share in, you cannot 'bond' with a highly stressed baby separated from the one person it knows. You might enjoy your interactions but the baby won't, and this will not help you in the longterm in how your grandchild sees you. Your grandchild will also always be acutely aware of how you view and treat its mother.

It's been repeated what a court would likely set out, short but frequent visits to the baby's house with the mother there, with the aim of your son learning how to take care of a baby and gradually not being a total stranger to the baby which he is now. Gradually, and over a lot of time, that will build up, but 50/50 is years away if ever, as pp says judges are finding the research says this is not helpful to children, their attachments or their stabilities. Your son needs to work on his co parenting relationship with his child's mother and building up her trust in him, and on learning how to parent his child, and that will be through the child's mother, not you.

And I wouldn't go making an enemy of the mum , they could get back together and you will be seen as the interfering mil who caused issues.

with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend

There is no “we” in this scenario. Your son should be stepping up on his own to see this child. I was the mother in a similar scenario and there was no way in hell the father of my child’s mother was going to play mummy to my child. They were welcome to see my child in my home which wasn’t good enough for them so we went to court and the ruling was contact continued at my home for the father only. He gave up after 8 weeks…

This has annoyed me so much, you’re actually expecting to have a 6 week old child without their mother in your home? Tell your son to pull his big boy pants on, shoulder his responsibilities as a father and cut those apron strings. What a batshit crazy idea to expect to have a six week old without their mum.

@doistayordoigo This was my DH years ago, although he was a bit older. He went to court for access as his ex was refusing access completely.

So not like your DH at all then.

Why have you posted this in AIBU if when the overwhelmingly majority tell you that you are, you refuse to see value in this? You wanted back up, not honesty. It’s fantastic that your son is doing all he can. When my son was 6 weeks old, I wouldn’t have even liked my husband taking him out the house away from me for a couple of hours, and he was also bottle bed. Mum of baby is not preventing contact, it’s just incredible early days and you need to respect that. You also need to stop being the go between. They are adults and now parents, they both need to communicate themselves.

This is a supportive site but it’s not here just to validate you and say you’re correct when others clearly think right now the girl is doing what’s best for her baby and that you need to respect her wishes

How would you have felt if you had been forced to hand over your 6 week old DS to a man that your relationship had broken down with? Try to get him to build an amicable relationship with the mum first and be as compliant as he can. She will start to feel more relaxed and able to trust him over time and he can build up access and learn to co parent. This will benefit all 3 of them.
You don’t like this girl and seem to think she is draining him financially, he can go to CMS himself and set up payments whereby everything is fair and recorded and that will stand him in good stead for any future legal proceedings for access.

Tell your son to grow up, stop fixing his problems and tell him to wear a condom in future as the ship has clearly sailed this time.
He does have access to his son but by the sound of it, it doesn’t suit you.

He already HAS access, @curious79 . Both he and OP are free to visit and spend time with the baby. He wants to rip a 6 week old away from it's mother to take it away, re-read the OP properly.