Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Also even as a mum who fully trusts DH, we didn't leave ours without me unless essential until around 8 months.
Before then despite being used to DH they would cry for me if tired or fussy. DH has a fantastic bond with them, but at that early stage babies with a healthy attachment generally need their mum for comfort.

They will also likely be more confident as toddlers being left with others if they've had that need respected rather than building an anxiety that going to other people means they won't be handed back when they start crying for mum.

You talk about her “refusing US access”, is the real problem that the GF doesn’t want you there?

Her advice re access and court is spot on. The court would support what the mother is already offering. It would be up to the Dad to take that and build on it.

The fact you’ve already had to insert yourself between them as the “go between” doesn’t sound like they have a very healthy relationship. Obviously she isn’t going to feel comfortable handing her newborn over and watching them leave if he has been arguing back and forth with her.

All your posts say “we want access” “need to come to our house” - if he wants to spend time with his child it shouldn’t matter if he gets to alone with them, or if it is at the mothers house. This isn’t about you. Back off and let your child grow up.

He isn’t being a father himself if he has his mummy fight his battles.

Well done @LolaJ82 for raising a son who is stepping up to his responsibilities. On this site there are so many examples of absent fathers.

You mention you’ve only met the mum twice. Your focus should be on getting to know her so that in time, when baby is older, she can feel comfortable letting her child come to you home.

Take the focus off getting the baby to your home. Focus on building trust with the mum… both you and your son…if your son wants more time, then at this stage encourage him to do that at her home.

There is no way on this earth I would have let my kids go to a strangers home… for that is what you are… at such a vulnerable age. Take the emotion out of it and see it from that perspective.

Good luck

This, and as a grandmother, if you can’t see this, you are a stupid person.

Take a moment and think about if it was YOUR baby, would you let your baby go off with the feckless father who doesn’t live with you, and the interfering mother of his who you’ve met a couple of times.

No, you wouldn’t.

OP possibly still asleep after posting in the early hours although could be on the other side of the world? This is a curious thread with great responses, but is it a bona fide post? harder and harder to tell, especially with so few details, ie age of baby’s mother, is it her own home, lives with parents, in a flatshare? how far away does she live? does she have other children? will she work and need childcare?
astute 50/50 remark, suggesting a means of avoiding maintenance, i this why the haste?
Baby is not a toy as has also been pointed out, pass the parcel.

Is anyone here old enough to recall the not uncommon occurrence of babies being taken from prams when it was considered safe enough to leave the big pram outside shops?

Tell him to get the best solicitor his money can buy.

OP, in all kindness, you need to butt out. There is no 'us' but 'him'.

It's not about her, his, and certainly not your rights to do as you wish with the baby. It's about what is best for baby.

Going there regularly might not be best for your son, but that's tough. If it ever gets to a discussion about having 50/50, it probably won't be what she seems best for her either. What makes the best parents is compromising for peace and harmony.

They're going to have to learn to build a co-parenting trusting relationship. That's going to be hard and take time.

If you want to help your son, and as such get the chance to yourself build a relationship with h your grandson at some point, explain this to him

Mothers who interfer in young parents decisions always make things much more worse. Step away, let him be an adult and learn what being a good parent is all about.

It's crazy that you think a 6 week old baby should be handed over to you for visits! The mother doesn't even know you and you fight like 'cats and dogs' with your own child.

You need to step away from this, there is no 'we' here. You don't have any right to see the baby unless invited to the mother's home. But your son seems to have messed that up too.

What's with all the "us"?

Why can't he go there alone?

Will 50/50 be him paying nothing & handing baby over to you?

You sound a bloody nightmare.

The outcome would be the same, whether he had a fantastic solicitor, self represented or just built a decent coparenting relationship with the mother. I guess an expensive solicitor can atleast explain this to him. But the money would be better spent on his newborn child.

@andthat Well done for raising a son who is stepping up to his responsibilities. On this site there are so many examples of absent fathers.

Seeing his child four times in 6 weeks deserves a medal from you? And not cutting contact with his child’s mother because she doesn’t agree with him??

YABVVU Obviously you dont like the girl and think she's after his money. You are not doing what is best for the baby so you are harassing the mother.

If you want her to agree to 50/50 when the child is older show her that you can do the right thing for her child by backing off yourself and your son behaving himself when he visits - changes nappies, gives a bottle, holds baby while she showers or tries to sleep. And he must NOT suggest she showers or sleeps, he just asks what he can do to support her during his visit.

I agree, credit to your DS for actively being there and providing for his baby.

Someone posted this earlier.

That's just basic parenting isn't it?

I'm not even sure he can be classed as "being there" as that doesn't seem to work without his Mum also!

So your thread title is hyperbole as your DS does have access to his child but quite rightly the babies mum isn’t yet ready to hand her child over to him for several hours or overnight without her being there.

Im 💯 in her corner and you should be doing all you can to support your son with going along with her wishes and not plotting your own demands in place.

I was significantly older than this young woman when I became a mum and there was no way in hell anyone was taking him out of my sight at 6 weeks old.

You DS needs to keep doing the right thing supporting her wishes and his child until she’s ready to discuss shared access. The baby’s 6 weeks old ffs - step back and let them sort it in their own time.

ghastly bullying threatening post, also wrong, HA!

The son is not doing everything he can at all, he's seen the child 4 times in 6 weeks and is having his mummy sort out visits for him. There shouldn't be any praise for that.

No solicitor in the world will tell him he has a right to remove a 6 week old baby from it's mother and take it to a stranger's house and have it for weekends, @HereintheloveofChristIstand , which is what the OP's son wants. NO court will let him remove a child from it's mother. He already has contact. He wants to separate a six week old baby from it's mother for hours and days. Re-read the OP.

Its incredible how low the bar is for fathers. Imagine a mum who'd only seen her new born 4 times in 6 weeks being given credit and told it was fantastic!

50/50 at his mothers house rather than using his “very good job money” to rent his own place and care for the child himself.

WE want access? Excuse me Susan this isn’t about you. If your son can’t suck it up to sit in ex’s house and will only have contact with his child when he has full control (and can hand over to you!) then I absolutely see the problem.

Any father who cares about bonding will put up with a few hours of awkward to be with their child. And you, as a grandparent, should butt the fuck out and let him. You don’t even have to be there. Perhaps you are making it much more awkward.

its bullies day out, folks !!!

The baby is still very young and it’s common that the mum wouldn’t want him to be too far away from her.

If there is abuse or any other issues then a contact centre may be appropriate but honestly I think for now your DS going to her house is for the best.

I think most 6 week old babies would actually really struggle to be away from their mum for as long as you are suggesting and it doesn’t seem like you or son has the best interests for the baby.

DS needs to carry on seeing his son as often as he can with the mum.
In time, he can start taking the baby out for short periods of time without her being there.

The mum doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong in this situation but you (and DS) seem annoyed at her.
You and DS need to separate what’s best for the baby vs the issues with the mum.

FWIW I was a single parent with no involvement from the dad, at a younger age than your son.
You are much more involved than my mum was.

It’s lovely that you are supportive but he is an adult and a father now and he should be taking the responsibility. I’m not sure why you are so involved in it.

I do think it’s nice if you can get a nice relationship with her because it will make life easier and you can absolutely offer to have the baby at yours and reassure her that you’ll be there too, but don’t expect her to want to leave her baby at such a young age.

"Its apparent that his money was the main driver"

As opposed to a young girl not wanting to go through the trauma of abortion. Christ you sound like a piece of work. No wonder with you whispering in his ear their relationship has gone to shit.

I hope someone is supporting and advocating for the young mum, assume she is also a teen? I see her being bullied a lot going forward.
The 50/50 access is suss right now. Granny gets baby half the week and her son gets to pay less / no CMS.
Is he on the BC?