Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

He should use his money to get contact sorted legally now. Don’t faff about as this is obviously going to be a continually fractious issue.

unless baby is BF he can get a few hours a couple of days a week.

Lola......why are you sorting out a mess created by an adult??

‘It’s always the dad that’s gets the raw deal’ FFS. I don’t need to know any more 😂

He already has contact, at the mother's house, @beAsensible1 . No legal court in the land is going to separate a 6 week old baby from it's mother and send it to strangers.

@LolaJ82 You "know what it's like having a newborn", but you're adamant a 6 week old baby leaves its mother for the weekend? Yeah, right, sure.

Your son can see his baby at the baby's home with the baby's primary caregiver there. What's the problem with that? You sound absolutely horrible, by the way, and I hope your son builds a relationship with his child without too much interference from you.

If you genuinely can’t see the difference between your situation and family set up to the one described in the OP then I don’t know what to say to you.

Having a baby outside of a stable relationship is a special circumstance that can’t be compared to the happy families and DHs that you are describing. Presumably your DH was there caring for his baby equally from day 1. There is a bond and trust and love there that can’t be created by 4 short visits over 6 weeks.

It’s perfectly possible for a man to be a responsible equal parent at home without taking a newborn away. In fact, I’ve observed the men that tend to whisk baby off to their mum’s when they find themselves with sole care are the ones that cba to do it all by themselves and are looking for their mums to help them out.

How about you ask her to come over with the baby, you could take her in the kitchen for a coffee or a bite to eat while baby is in front room with dad. Then you could get to know her a bit more, she may feel a bit more relaxed knowing you are there to help and then he is getting time himself with baby and she is still close by.

Courts would expect little and often around mother to be built up, once he has become a consistent in the child's life. If he's not willing to do that, what can the court do? They can't force him to be a parent.

The baby is only 6 weeks old! The mother is not denying access at all. You are being wildly unreasonable.

Is she refusing access or is she just refusing you to take the baby out of her house? Does your son have access whenever he wants if he goes to her house?

With this attitude I can only imagine what a crap boyfriend and father you've raised. Good for his ex sticking to her guns.

You are massively unreasonable. She isnt stopping your son seeing his son at all. You and your son are simply throwing your toys out of the pram because you want to seperate a new mom from her newborn for hours at a time at a different location simply so you dont have to be in the same room as her.

This. I’m the mother of sons and I would tell
mine this if they were in the same situation. Baby and mum come first, not your son’s rights.

I think you’ve both decided the mother of the baby is the enemy and you and son are reinforcing each other in this. Stop, breathe. You have 18 years where you will need to work together and what is best for the baby is if you calm down now and build a sustainable system of shared support in the future. No new mother wants to hand over her tiny baby but especially not to people who view her in such a hostile way.
Be kind, be genuinely supportive and you will be a better grandmother.

The baby is 6 weeks old. I know I would never want to be without my baby that soon after they were born. I’m surprised as a mother yourself you don’t recognise that.

You say men get the raw deal (I do not agree) but if that’s the case, all the more reason for your son to start off visiting the baby at the mum’s home for now.

No one has stopped him being involved though so that’s a red herring. The only person stopping him being involved is himself.
Do you think the sort of man to throw a strop because his ex doesn’t agree to him having the newborn in his mums house for hours is actually a caring and involved dad? Of course not, any reasonable and decent dad (or grandmother!!) would see that building up contact time in the mums house in the first step.

Bare in mind he has only met the baby 4 times and he’s already cut contact with the mother over this! So OP and the son have clearly been pushing for the baby from literally day 1 for this to have already blown up.

mum wouldn’t allow them to which according to this thread is the norm, but in my circle is very not the norm with lots of very involved Dads.
Again this is a totally false equivalent, literally no one on this thread has said it’s the norm for mothers to not let fathers bond with their child fgs. Least of all the mother of this baby from everything the OP has said.

A few things jump out from your post.

you son handing control of this over to his mother r’as usual’.

you and your son fighting like cat and said over the money he is giving to the mother of his baby.

you referring to us rather than him.

Your son is seeing his baby. And he is contributing financially. You have become very involved in this - to such an extent that you have probably permanently damaged any relationship you could have with this young woman and her family. You will be forever that interfering mother who tried to take a tiny baby away from its mother. He will be the weak man who hid behind mummy.

back off. Your son need to negotiate this himself. Gradually build up his time with the baby. Get on better terms with the mother. Propose he (not you!) sees the baby three times a week for two hour visits at her home. Then maybe he could take the baby for a walk - build up from there. He could offer to help while he is there - do the baby’s laundry, make his ex girlfriend a meal. This is an intense time for what I assume is a young woman (hopefully over 18). Give the poor kid some slack.

She isn't refusing access. She's setting out the terms which she's permitting it.

You need to change the narrative - "She's willing to allow access, just in a manner she's comfortable with as a new mum".

I think he needs to understand her position too and seek compromises over time.

She's young, vulnerable, only 6 weeks PP and most likely overwhelmed.

Her priority right now is keeping the baby safe. The relationship with your son has deteriorated badly.

If he was smart, he would take what She's offering, be very hands on helping with feeds, nappies etc while he's there and see to built it up over time.

When the child is a little older, he can seek additional access through the courts, if both of them having natured enough to come to some sort of reasonable arrangement.

No one is going to pay attention to this because she's not refusing him access!

Ludicrous for a tiny baby to be away from it's mum!

Your son needs to do it on her terms at this point in time.

Baby is still so young to be away from Mum. He should continue being patient and cordial. If he shows himself to be mature and responsible, eventually she’ll hopefully appreciate the time off when they are a bit older. Getting his mam to text on his behalf in this manner might not be inspiring her with confidence

The mother of your grandchild is NOT denying access to your son.

Your adult son and his adult gf got pregnant, split but had the baby, congrats everyone, and is now allowing access to the 6-weeker in her home. Great start.

A girl, who by your own admission you barely know, had a consensual adult relationship with your son and you've decided she has to do what you want or you're entitled to make comments about her character. Nice.

Suggest you stand back and reposition yourself. They're both adults, let the parents get on with it themselves. Be the positive support in their lives moving forward.

YABU because the baby is so young and needs to be with mum, especially if she's breastfeeding. The best thing you can do to support your GC and build that bond is to support his mother and her requests. She's not being difficult, she just wants a safe environment in what sounds like a difficult situation.

My son is 18 months and only just about to meet his dad for the first time (lives abroad) and his father got arsey with me about not leaving him alone saying I wanted to monitor everything when it's not about that. His own mother intervened to back me because she knows that young children can't be left willy nilly with non primary carers (especially that they don't know).

I'm sure you'll be able to in the future and she might even welcome the break if your son puts in the effort now to get to know his child and support the mum.

You sound quite judgemental of the mum btw saying it's all about money, but you hardly know her and only have your son's word to go on.

Wow telling women that fathers always get the raw deal... Have you read half the threads on here?!

The baby is 6 weeks old! No way would I have left my baby at that age.

It's craziness to expect her to hand a newborn over to a woman she's met twice and a presumably short term ex who can't even keep calm enough to communicate himself.
That's how babies end up in very dangerous situations, she has no way of knowing what your family is like given they've presumably accidentally had the baby in the early stages of getting to know eachother.

Send him to see the baby there, or invite her with the baby to yours.
If she's breastfeeding you won't have overnights for a long time yet, and even if not 50/50 is rarely in a young child's best interests.
You could apply to court but you'd be waiting 6-12 months of possibly no contact with the animosity it often causes. Your best bet for now is hoping the natural protective instincts around her newborn settle as the baby gets older, and during this early stage where baby stays with mum show mum that you're both kind safe people to be around.