Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

He isn't being denied access to the baby though, she has just said whilst the baby is newborn she wants to be with the baby. That is not unreasonable at all. He's going to have to wait a bit before he can have alone time. In the meantime, if he wants to see the baby he needs to go and see the baby.

If he is not happy going to hers, is there a local park that they could go to? Perhaps her parents and you also go.

No, the Baby has a right to see its father. The mum is allowing access in her home.
A baby isnt a prize to get hold of.
As a new grandmother myself Im astonished at your attitude.
How about trying to build a relationship with your grandchilds mother first?
Is your son on the Birth Cert?

At the moment your son cares more about what he want /need than what's in the child's best interests. That demonstrates that he's not ready to be a father. As parent to you have to put your child's needs above your own. Maybe you need to teach him that instead of arguing for something that's never going to happen. No court will not take a newborn from its mother for several hours for contact. Contact in her home is in the best interest of the child. If he can be consistent the a few hours 1:1 contact from 9-12+ months is reasonable obviously depending on the child's needs.

For goodness sake - she has NOT refused him access. That’s entirely misleading and a huge tantrum like overreaction, because you didn’t get your own way.
At six weeks old, baby should not be away from his mother. If your son is man enough to create a life, he can suck it up and sit in her house to bond with his child.
Hilarious you think he’s cut out for 50/50 when he won’t even sit In her house to see the baby - guarantee you’ll be complaining about her for years to come because she won’t bend to your will. Your son needs to get a grip, as do you.

Get to know the mum better, invite her and babs to yours, help these young parents keep their eyes on the prize: a peaceful, flexible and mutually supportive co-parenting relationship in which your grandchild can thrive.

Do you remember how weird and wrong it felt to be away from your newborn? That awful hormonal danger-feeling can last a while, especially if there’s drama/threat of 50:50 (it isn’t a threat and might be hugely welcome to her in time, but it will feel like one now, this child’s been out of her body a fraction of the time it was inside her).

This is a loooong game - it will go on longer than the rest of your life. Take it easy. Wish you years and years of happy family times.

Go via mediation then if needed go to a solicitor and court. Mediation should be the starting point and do this sooner rather than later as it will look better in court (if needed)

The father is a stranger until he steps up and spends some regular time with his baby at the mother’s house. The MIL (OP) is certainly a stranger and I’m guessing she’d be the one mainly in charge and responsible if they were to take this baby away.

The baby is still very young to be taken away from the mum, and your son is still too young to understand what he is asking for. 50/50??? FGS is he is expecting you to do the lion share of taking care of that baby? He is still a child himself if he is asking you to sort things for him.

If I were you I would ask him to tone down the unrealistic demands to avoid annoying the mother further as this will certainly have a knock down effect on how often she makes the baby available. The poor girl should be overwhelmed caring for a baby being a teen, give her a break for your own sake.

PS. Of course he can go to court to demand access but he is not likely, at this age, to get any more time than what he is getting already.

She's not banning him from seeing his child. She is setting very reasonable boundaries in the interests of her child. Of course it's not appropriate to be taking a newborn baby away from its mother for hours at a time against her wishes. PPs conflating this with equal rights for men and women are disingenuous; equity and equality are different things. Men and women are different. Mothers and fathers are different. Not more or less important; just different. It's also completely ridiculous to compare this situation - a teenager mother who isn't in a relationship with the father and whose family are total strangers - to an established family setup where the father/husband is taking the baby out for a few hours so the mother can rest. That's obviously an entirely difficult scenario.

If you and your son don't start approaching the situation with some maturity, common sense, some actual concern for the wellbeing of the baby, and some basic human decency then you will wreck any chance of healthy co-parenting dynamic for the rest of this child's life with your selfishness. You need to think about the baby and not yourselves.

After reading your follow up post, I can see the mother’s POV 😬

I think he should visit at her house to start with because putting myself in the mum's shoes, she doesn't know you (you said you only met her twice) and I'm guessing she doesn't really know your son too well either.
Having said that, all these dramatics here about how a child will be harmed if they're 'wrenched' from their mother for an hour or two, is bonkers! Lots of mums hand over their babies for various reasons.
I had no choice. My mum died when my baby was a few weeks old and as all the family were at the funeral, I had to ask my boss if she'd look after baby for a few hours for me. Of course that's slightly different because I knew her and trusted her but my baby wasn't affected by being looked after by a stranger for a couple of hours!
The fact your son isn't mature enough to communicate with his ex and has only seen the baby four times in six weeks, I don't think the ex is being unreasonable to want to build up trust at her house first.

Still laughing at the 50/50 part...he wants this does he, or you? Or is it because he doesn't want to pay maintenance?

What on earth did you read?

I see supportive comments explaining that the baby is newborn so expecting visits with the mum right now isn't refusing access, it's sensible and in the best interests of the baby.

It's not easy, your son should suck it up and go and see the baby at her house, until the baby is old enough to spend short periods of time away from momother, this baby will be his child for the rest of his life, suck it up for a few months.

Try this:
I am 19 and I had a baby 6 weeks ago with my now ex boyfriend.
It wasn’t a long relationship and I don’t know his family well at all. I have met his mum 2 or 3 times.
He wants to step up and be a dad but he has been asking from early on to see the baby without me at his house - where he lives with his mum - i.e. to take her there for an afternoon etc without me. I am breastfeeding.

But the issue is I don’t want to be away from her at all at the moment , she is so little. I told him this and we argued.

Now his mum keeps contacting me to ask to see the baby and says I am denying them access. I am not, I just want them to understand that I don’t want the baby to be away from me at the moment. Plus I don’t know his family at all and so it feels to me a bit wrong at the moment.
———-
what do you think of this OP?

@LolaJ82 at 6 weeks old, contact at mum and baby's home is far more reasonable than taking the baby elsewhere. Parents, first and foremost, have responsibilities to the baby. Those trump rights.

From the baby's perspective, a 6 week old baby is still in the 4th trimester, and needs security and their primary caregiver - which, in this case, is your grandchild's mum. It's perfectly normal for contact to be at mum's house at this stage, in situations where a couple separated. Your son also has a lot to learn about being a parent - his baby's cues, changing nappies, making up feeds, settling for naps, even things like dressing and carrying the baby safely. To be a safe dad, he can't outsource these things to other people. So, like so many other jobs, he needs to learn these skills under supervision before he can go do them independently - he needs to prove to the mother of his child that he can do them. It can build up over time, like many other jobs and skills do.

From the mum's perspective, she's still in the post-natal period and giving her baby to her ex and his mum (who she barely knows) is likely to be a very difficult and distressing prospect. You're a mum too; can you put yourself in her shoes and think how you would feel, giving the tiny person you love most in the world, who still feels part of you, to your ex (who can't organise himself to make arrangements with you) and his mum (pretty much a stranger who comes across as disliking you)? It would probably be quite upsetting. She's offering to have her ex (and you?) in her own home, at a vulnerable time for her, so that her baby can have a relationship with their father.

If your son has had 4 visits already, that's almost one per week of life, which is actually not unreasonable and can be built on. He needs to develop some maturity and start making arrangements directly with his ex rather than needing a go-between. If he's serious about wanting to be in his child's life, then he's got a lifetime of co-parenting with his ex ahead of him, so now is the time to build a foundation for that. He needs to build trust and build his skills, so that in time (which may potentially come pretty quickly) he can be trusted to take his child out independently and bring them back safely. Yes, it may feel awkward. Yes, it's hard work. But if he wants to be present for his child, it's what he needs to do.

As grandmother, your role is not to be a second mum or to negotiate between the two parents. You need to step back from that and build your own rapport with the mother of your grandchild and with your grandchild, over time.

Later, they can hopefully come to a mediated or even court-agreed plan for contact and shared parenting responsibilities. In advance of that, your son should ensure he is making (and has evidence of making) appropriate financial contributions to support his child.

At 6 weeks old then yes Yabu to expect a mother to be separated from her baby. She’s not refusing access, she just wants to be there too, which is perfectly reasonable with a very small baby.

She’s met you twice. YOU have no rights. Get back in your box.

If you read my first post - I said I don’t think it’s unreasonable to start caring for baby alone in mum’s house now, ie mum goes upstairs for an hour rather than watching their every move. Then build up to going for a walk with pram and then back to mums house. If I was a single mum I would encourage this as I would want their father to be an active and equal parent as that is in the best interest of the child. Rather than when child is older just expecting him to know what to do and the bond to be there after limited involvement at stage. Lots of women on here post that their children’s father complain that they can’t handle the children and don’t like to be left alone with them and that will often be because they haven’t been actively involved from the start - either because they were lazy and left it to mum, or mum wouldn’t allow them to which according to this thread is the norm, but in my circle is very not the norm with lots of very involved Dads.

Far too soon for baby to be away from mum, I don’t think his ex girlfriend is being unreasonable, she isn’t stopping your son seeing the baby, it’s his choice if he doesn’t want to go to her home to do so. It’s their baby, I would let them sort it out, no good will come from you trying to mediate.

If he wants to be a good father then he needs to go and see his baby at her house. 6 weeks is too young for mother and baby to be separated for a few hours if the mother doesn’t feel ready. Her instincts around this will be strong.
Once your son can show her he’s capable of putting the baby’s needs first, she’ll be more confident.

Very unreasonable I would say. I've learned that more times than not the woman is reacting the way she is for good reason. Not for absolutely no reason at all. She is trying to keep her child safe. I would think there is more to the story on your son's end.

My ex does all the pick ups from my house, if he wants to see his child when he needs to do as the mother wishes and visit again her house. Just the way it is.

If this were me I would - support my son, but not be a go between.

Tell my son to visit little and often, and try to build a friendship with Mum.

Make sure my son was providing financial support.

I would also ask Mum if I could visit, and I would make the effort to get to know her, and not just be interested in the baby.

Atm you're just thinking selfishly, but you'll all be in each others lives forever now, the relationship with Mum needs to be sorted, the rest will follow.

Your second update is very odd. It’s like you have purposely misunderstood. No one is saying that your son shouldn’t have access to the baby. But it’s perfectly reasonable that the mother should be there too, since newborns really need their mums.

It would also be a good thing if the two parents worked on their relationship – to get on better with each other, for the sake of the child.

Yes, you’re right. Your son is the one who has it tough here! His suffering is so much greater than the woman who has experienced a pregnancy, birth and is now caring for a newborn as a single parent.

YABVU and would do well to give your son a kick up the backside to get him parenting now, not moaning about having a few hours at the weekend to play daddy.