Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

OP, if you're still reading, I think you need to play the long game here

Pick your battles

Baby is tiny

A) this is very unusual in UK b) only done if necessary for other reasons. Separating a 6 week old from their mother is not in the interests / welfare of the baby, so should not be done just to make life more comfortable for dad/ granny.

No, no they don't

This would be highly unusual in the UK. Youngest baby would usually be around 3 months, even then most babies are older.

baby rooms usually go up to either 12 months or even 18 months in the uk. They aren’t like the baby rooms you see on the movies in American hospitals.

out of interest - what country do you live in that mothers get such limited maternity leave? Even in America it’s on average loner than six weeks.

Absolutely not the norm in the UK. 6 months maybe but 6 weeks - definitely not.

No! 6 months, maybe (even then, most women are still on mat leave at that point so wouldn't). But not at 6 weeks.

Are you in the UK? I'm guessing not, this is unheard of.

Op is ds certain he is the father ? None of us know the dynamic of their previous relationship.

No not in the uk

No, not that I know of.

Aren’t you thinking of 6 months?

I didn’t give birth in the UK and went back to work when my DD was 7 weeks but I had a nanny who started working for me when DD was a couple of weeks so DD knew her. She also had fed her, changed her nappy and soothed her before I went back to work.

Any child care setting has a settling in period with the mother there.

All very different from seeing the child 4 times in 6 weeks and then expecting a couple of hours with the child away from the mother.

No where I live there is heaps of maternity leave ( I think its a year now), and there is paternity leave but I have seen with my own eyes tiny babies in baby rooms and worked with people ( very wealthy) who were back at work after 6 weeks. I assumed they used a nanny. Is that alright with people? Personally I couldn't do it but I didn't know it was so frowned upon. Some people hire nannies basically from birth. They may be in the house but the nanny is doing the work. People hire night nannies. I guess I'm just surprised at the outrage at a dad looking after his own bottle fed 6 week old baby for a few hours.

Cross post with pp

If the mother was happy with the idea then I would clutch my pearls and internally judge as it’s not great for such a young baby, but not say anything.

But this is a mother who is quite rightly saying that the father needs to visit the baby in her home with her present.

You also have to work with the child you have. Mine had separation anxiety that was so severe we were referred for professional help. She would scream inconsolably for 4 hours straight (longest I was ever away and she was 18 months at the time). Not even DH who she lived with was acceptable. Baby sitters refused to ever return, even family said they couldn’t do it. Nursery said they wouldn’t take her until it was sorted…

I’ve never experienced anyone putting a baby in nursery at 6 weeks. Locally they don’t accept babies under 3 months and even that’s very rare. Most people wait till the of baby is at least 6 months and more often 8/9 months.

However the mum choosing to pay for professional childcare at 6 weeks is her choice. That’s very different to trying to force a new mum to hand over her baby when she’s not comfortable with that choice.

The father in this case needs to accept that way to prove himself here is to go along with the visits at the mum (and babies) home and once trust has been earned, then a discussion can be had - between him and his ex, without pushy granny pulling the strings.

The nurseries I used had baby rooms, which went up to age 2.
Massive difference between a baby at 6 weeks and a child at nearly 2.

The majority of mums are taking 6mths maternity at least, many taking extended maternity to 12mths. Or using shared paternity / maternity leave.

Very few baby's in the UK will be in nursery from 6week and that been the situation since at least the late 90s, 25 years at least.

My DS is 20 now and I took 12 months ML. I started putting him in nursery at 10 months and the baby room then was under 2’s. I don’t recall many babies much younger than him - most started at around 9/10 months.

@medlow
What is your point ? No very few babies will be in nursery at 6week.
It cannot be easy to put your tiny baby into nursery, but sometimes people have little choice the mortgage still needs paid. Food needs to be put on the table.
I'd probably pity someone whos in the rotten situation of having to put their baby into nursery, and deal with sleepless nights and do a job the next day.

You've said yourself you couldn't do it. And others you know have used nannies. And they are presumably looking for experienced nannies who have plenty experience of babies.

What's that got to do with this young mum trusting her exBF with their tiny baby?

The exBF has to build the exGFs trust. They have a long road of co-parenting in front of them. They need to trust one another.

I don’t care what the circumstances are, it would be over my dead body that my 6 week old newborn baby is going to be any where without me!

You have been offered access and opportunity to bond under conditions that are comfortable for BOTH Mum and Baby. You and your son should be respectful of this!! If you do truly love and care for this baby, this is what you would do because it’s in the best interests of baby to be near mum at all times at this early stage of life.

If you want to ruin this relationship before it really even starts by all means go ahead and argue over this baby like some kind of material possession, or doll you want to take home without mum so you can play mummies and daddies!!! All you will succeed in doing here is causing such a rift that mum will only want to push you further away to protect herself and her child instead of feeling like she could include you and come to rely on you in future.

Disregard this advice at your own peril, because I assure you that with how you are behaving right now you are very much in the wrong!!

It is not often at all if indeed ever that I feel the need to so blunt on here, but for some reason I feel you need it.

If you're still there, op:

Butt out.

Stop demonising the baby's mother and have some compassion for a single teen mum who's had a new baby.

Stop framing it as her denying the father access to their baby - this is clearly not true, she IS facilitating it, in her own home. Where she feels safe.

Stop infantilising and managing your son. He needs to hear you say no to being asked to sort it out, and to stand on his own feet.

Stop seeing it as the baby coming to 'us'. He isn't yours.

The right thing is for him to visit her ON HIS OWN, and start forming a loving familiar relationship with his child, while respecting the mother & baby's needs to be together and the mother's need to feel safe and respected.

This way they stand the best chance of building if not a life together, a mutually understanding and cooperative co-parenting arrangement.

Agreed,,my nephew is 25 and I'm sure my Sis was off until he was 11 mths.

I only know a couple of people who were back at work with babies under 6mths.
One was a highflyer who couldn't afford the time off. And used a nanny
The other was made redundant, her company folded while she was in labour. She had lost her extra Maternity pay and ended up job hunting taking the first suitable job she could get. Baby was left with her Mum.

I'd suggest wait until baby is 3 months old then tell exgf if he can't have baby for 2 hours at the weekend on his own he will go to court for better access.

Threatening a new mother doesn't sound like a very caring thing to do xx

@caringcarer No court in the land is going to allow a male to take a newborn 3 month old baby away for hours, you're delusional. Absolutely batshit. The most he'd get until 1 year old is contact in the mother's home.

HNRTT but 'Support' isn't always telling someone what they want to be told.

The horror, imagine the mother facilitating access to people who clearly dislike her, just access at her home. t\hat rather than treating the baby as an object to be handed over cheerfully to a father who, although an adult, cannot apparently speak civilly to the mother and a 'DMIL' who's opinion seems clear from their post.