Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

The baby is six weeks old. They want to take it for weekends. Did you miss that?

She isn't not allowing him access, she's using her common sense. The baby is only 6 weeks old and she is the baby's primary care giver. Why would you want to stress the baby out? If he wants to have 50/50 access then work up to it in a way that's best for the baby. He sees the baby with the mother for a few months, then gets a few hours at the weekend (which the mother will probably appreciate at that age!) and then gets more custody when the child is older if that's what he wants by then. That's usually what the courts suggest I believe. And, if he's serious about co-parenting, then paying for the child is a part of it too.

This isn't the hill to die on. Its a mess and you can prevent it from getting worse by just enjoying seeing the baby in his own home, near his mother. He won't want to be going to a different house a few hrs a week apart, it's in the best interests if the baby to have the visits at home. It's in the best interest of the baby to promote an at least civil relationship between his parents so viewing it as seeing him "under her eye" and she is there, is the wrong way to look at it, and of course she wants to be near.

Life is long and this little one has the longest time ahead, you son needs to take the time he gets and enjoy his child in the place his child feels most secure. And stop thinking of the mother of his child as an adversary. Before he knows it he'll be parenting a toddler 50/50, but only by putting these steps in place by being reasonable.

Pretty much everything we've heard about him?

@Katypp

I actually agree with many of your points but surely you must see that taking a 6 week old baby from its mother for a few hours for the first time, is not in that child’s best interests?

This isn’t about mother vs father.
It’s about the baby, who happens to need its mum more than its dad right now.

Your son can see and have bonding time with his child at the mom's. That's pretty normal for a 6 week old baby.

I think poorly of those who try to separate young infants from their moms or primary caregivers. They don't have the baby's best interests in mind.

Omg you are so beyond unreasonable!!!! Your son is not being refused access at all! The baby is 6WEEKS , of course you can’t demand to take baby away from mother.

Just as an FYI, if your son actually lived with the mother of his child, he would be running home to you every night so he could get a decent night's sleep in order to be able to do his Big Bucks Job. So stop pretending this whole nonsense about access at yours is anything more than the pair of you wanting to treat the baby like a plaything in your house for a few hours each week.

Can you explain exactly how you have drawn these conclusions?

sorry am i reading this right. you want a new mum to bring her newborn baby to YOU so the dad can have access?? 😂 You have even said.. shes met you twice!!! your a stranger to her and you want her to travel TO YOU to dump her baby off for a few hours.

Delusional.

Honestly, at 4 weeks old I think this is reasonable.

The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house.

It’s very reasonable of her to offer any access tbh

surely you remember how hard it was yourself?
she has no husband or partner is financially unstable and basically a child herself… have some grace.

you should try and get to know her / be cordial and encourage your son to offer her support not make unreasonable demands of her

also calling her “the girl” is very dismissive.

The baby is the only person with rights here. The parents have responsibilities. As the fourth trimester is essentially an extension of pregnancy, these responsibilities look different for mothers and fathers so encourage your son to stay in his lane. I said what I said.
IMO his responsibilities at this point include being where he says he’ll be when he says he’ll be there, buying whatever he said he’d buy for the baby, sending maintainance like clockwork, checking in regularly etc etc. He’s the dad. The guy they rely on to make sure mum can take the best care of baby. He’s not supposed to be stressing her out in any way, not for her sake so much as his child’s.
Why don’t you switch the narrative to using the opportunity to get to know the mother of your grandchild? The better that relationship goes, the better for the baby.

This is a massive overreaction to what posters have actually said op, and to be honest you’ve only dug yourself deeper with it.

It does come across as though you really aren’t putting the baby first. The baby is tiny and needs mum’s comforting smell. Why is there a problem spending time at her house if she’s allowing it?

I dont think it's in the best interest of the baby at 6 weeks old to be separated from the mother at all..so I would encourage him to visit in her home and build a bond with the baby. Then he work up to say, an hours walk out with baby, then an afternoon away from mums home,.etc etc until eventual overnights. And although they do happen earlier, honestly.i don't think it's in the best interest for a little baby to be overnight away from mum at all.

The mother does need to facilitate contact but little and often really is best for the child for the moment

Probably because the GF doesn’t want OP there.

Please explain why you think it’s in the best interests of a 6 week old baby to separate him/ her from their primary caregiver for several hours?

The previous posters are supporting a vulnerable (teen?) mum in her fourth trimester and a vulnerable newborn. She is probably still bleeding from the birth, let them be at home and comfortable.
I was in her shoes (but much older than her) and it's a really anxious time. Just to reassure you our son is now two and stays with his dad overnight and every other weekend, but rushing her won't help.
Let baby get to three months before you start trying to take baby away from her.

My suggestions in the meantime are -
Take baby out for a walk in local park and as her if she'd like to join or would prefer a rest at home. This will hopefully allow dad some private time with baby but mum is reassured she can be called and immediately come to baby if baby needs her.

Look for a local (to mum) baby massage class or baby sensory class. Dad offers to pay for this and either take baby alone (mum can wait there too if she likes) or mum joins in with him. Then do the same for children's centre stay and play sessions when baby is above three months. Mum will be reassured baby is safe and happy and there are professionals and other parents about to help mum.

Invite mum and baby together to your home for a meal - in a month or twos time. Then mum can be reassured you have things that baby needs like a Moses basket and sterilizing equipment and changing station etc. do this couple of times before offering to take baby alone.

Invite mum 3-4 months offer to help mum with baby if she needs a hair cut/nails done/ massage/ wants to go to a yoga class closeby. You hold baby or push baby in pram nearby while she does this. I would have leapt at this offer on my mat leave and felt so supported and able to trust anyone who offered.

You really do not want to push her away or fall out with her during these vital weeks or it could ruin your relationship forever. No woman forgets how she was treated during this vulnerable time.
(See my posts 'aibu to reduce contact with ex mil' and 'ex DP burnt my baby' to see how upset they both made me during my maternity leave!)

So you think OP should take a 6 week old baby from its mother, so she can play granny at her own house? Are you serious or just blinded by bitterness?

This

If a couple, the mother would choose to be away form the child when she knew it was appropriate not forced to be, or sent away, by the child's father. If someone wrote 'my DH is making me get out of the room away from
Our baby for three hours so he can have one on one time with her without me there' we'd all think he was abusive

why are you even arguing with the Mother over this?
If your son is refusing to visit the baby at her home in her presence and is running back to you to "fix" it for him, how do you expect the mother to trust either of you with the baby alone.

Lots of people on this thread have explained why the Mother might be uncomfortable with your suggestion - and said that the situation needs more gentle handling, but your anger with the mother, the way you speak about her comes across loud and clear. It probably does to her too. The way you speak about the baby, that your son has as much "rights" to the baby as she does... It's quite an adversarial way to talk about her. What about the baby's rights? It's a tiny human who depends on its main carer.
How is the way that you are approaching this ever going to solve anything?

Take a big step back . Think about the eventual outcome that would be best for the baby - two parents who are on good terms and can co parent together amicably.
Then think about how you could get to that stage.

It's hardly a hill to die on whether he sees the baby at her house or yours is it?
The important thing is that he sees the baby. And all three of you treat each other with respect and not hostility.

Op is representing this is about the father getting access - which he is. Just not on his and OP’s terms, terms which are unsuitable for such a young baby.

As for those saying it was a “pile on”, until op lashed out at the responses it was predominantly just posters disagreeing. That is actually allowed .

I’m married, planned children, really like my mother in law who is pretty competent with kids… and at six weeks I wouldn’t have been leaving my baby with her! I was breastfeeding which was different but at six weeks I wanted to be with my baby all the time, evolution designs it that way so maybe don’t take it so personally - I really don’t know anyone who was dropping off their kids at six weeks at other houses, they haven’t even gotten initial vaccinations yet? I think you are asking a lot and I understand your son wants to be involved with is great, but there is something about pacing and she doesn’t know you really at all yet.

Its not a bad thing for a father to want to bond with a baby that is their child - youve not liked the answers you received so have put words into peoples posts that just aren't there.

I was 31 when my 2nd was born and dad wasn't with me, he visited a few times, took his elder daughter out and it was about 4 months before he took baby with him for a couple of hours.

I would let him in the house and go upstairs and let him get on with it.

Its a delicate situation and letting go of a baby at this age is very hard.

Why not suggest he takes baby for a walk for 30 minutes and come back and slowly builds up the access time. Then the next thing is asking if she wants to go out and leave him with baby for an hour so she can get a coffee or nails done for example

it may appear to her you are swooping in and taking baby away, which for many mothers - not all, might be overwhelming.

baby steps

its always the father that gets the raw deal

In what universe is it always the father that gets the raw deal? 🙄