Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Becuase the mum in question doesn't seem to thnk that anybody's needs can possibly take priority over her desires.

She may be right, of course, I don't know her. Maybe she is the most important person in the world. If she is though, she probably should have said so outright,so we knew where we are.

She’s behaving like any new mum would, with a bf who needs his mother to sort out his issue.

“As usual he’s asked me to sort things out” - time for that to end. He’s a grown man with a good job and a child. He needs to sort out his own business and not go running to his mother. Also, you’re not going to have a great relationship with your grandchild’s mother if she sees you as interfering in the situation. Tell him this “not speaking to each other” thing is childish and you’re not going to enable it by running messages between them.

”His money was the main driver” - your son chose to have sex with this woman. Her getting pregnant and having the baby probably isn’t some malicious plot to get money. 🙄

It’s too uncomfortable for him to be in his child’s mother’s house, but not too uncomfortable for him to be in her vagina, I guess. If they’re going to be parents together, he needs to get over any awkwardness.

Who's the most important person in this situation? Who's the most important person to that person?

Completely unreasonable! The fact you’re even asking this means you have completely forgotten how to look after babe this age.

I have a 3 week old currently. I cannot wait for the day I will be able to leave babe with DP for 2-3 hours to go to have some peace, a swim, the gym, maybe a yoga class. Bliss! I don’t know when that will be but can assure you it’s not going to be in 3 weeks time.

You wouldn't be unreasonable in a few months time but yabvu to expect a new mum to let her 6wo baby out of her sight if she doesn't have to. Regular contact with mum present is appropriate right now. At 4 or 5 months it would be worth renegotiating but if you push it too hard now she'll dig in and it will be longer.

Are you sure that 50:50 is in anyone's best interests? Children usually thrive better with a stable main home and EOW with the NRP. Such an arrangement would also give your son more opportunity to earn enough to support the child

"He needs to grow up quickly". What has he done to suggest he's immature?

I was very kind in my reply actually. Now I think you’re just taking the piss.

If this is genuine and you are that unable to accept constructive criticism, good luck.

Maybe he feels she's not being fair to him for whatever reason? Asking his mother to meditate maybe the most sensible option

I've only read the first three pages, but as soon as I saw the title, I knew this would end up in a pile-on.
OP, welcome to MN. The rules are:
The mother is always, always right and her feelings and wants, no matter how ridiculous, overrule anyone else's. Regardless of the fact that people have been having babies since time began, the mother has done something breath-takingly amazing and everyone else must admire her in awe
The father is always wrong, no matter what he does or doesn't do. His wants and needs do not count at all
Children are a extension of the mother, so although you will get posters saying somewhat piously it's all about the child's needs, what they really mean is it's all about the mother's
You are a grandmother count for nothing. The fact this is your grandchild is irrelevant.
Modern parenting decrees the baby is surgically attached to the mother for as long as she wants and this can be used to control the entire family when it suits her.

I sound bitter, I am. I am also projecting, I know.
I have still not forgiven the poster who called my DH of 20 years a 'Prince among men' for giving up fighting to see his children after three years of family courts, £20,000 legal fees and two CAFCAS reports in his favour, yet still his ex refused to facilitate contact.
I am usually accused of lying at this point too.

I think the best thing would be to agree to the access she offers for now at her house as the baby is very young - try and get along with her civilly. Once the baby is older it would be reasonable to ask to take him/her for a few hours - but I think that is closer to one year old for a small baby- unless the mother is happy with it earlier. It will be a lot easier if you can learn to try and get along.

Well I don’t think you’re lying but I do think you have never had children.

Unfortunately my babe will be quiet and content as a mouse for endless hours. As soon as I dare to leave the room she will wake and cause chaos! I swear she can smell me.

Do you think I am making that up?! Trust me I wish it was untrue. I would love 5/10 minutes peace to have a coffee in the garden without feeling guilt at hearing her kick off.

I have three children

Literally no one has said grandmothers count for nothing. But "modern parenting" recognising that babies are best with mum isn't something to sneer at. This brand new mum is not stopping contact at all, just requesting it takes place with her in the same place. None of the new mums I knew would have had their six week old baby taken off elsewhere 50% of the time.

But she is letting him see the child, it's just on her terms not his. I'd be very curious to see how much time HE spends caring for and interacting with his child if he was allowed to take her given you phrase it as 'come to us' and that he expects you 'to sort it as usual'

No one is asking for a six week baby to spend 50% of the time with the father, the OP has said that's for the future.

Ok, apologies. Literally none of the new mums i knew, would have had their six week old baby taken away for a few hours.

Babies can still think they are in the womb for up to 12 weeks after birth.

Taking a baby away from its mum for a few hours for the first time, would be actually cruel to the baby.

What about if he’s breastfed?
Is dad going to decide that the baby is bottle fed on formula for the few hours he has him?

Is the dad allowed to just walk into the hospital immediately after birth and decide he’s taking him away for the weekend?

I am all for equal rights but the most important person here is the baby.
If doing what’s best for the baby isn’t in one of the parents best interests, then so be it.

Any decent parent would put their child’s needs above their own.
This will also include the mum when it’s time for the dad to have more access to his baby.
But right now it’s sad who is going to have to suck it up and see the baby whilst he’s with his mum, because that’s what is best for the baby.

Strange how mothers of sons, even adult sons, sometimes lose all objectivity and perspective. Sorry OP but YABVU for all the reasons given above.

You must have had easy babies. Which I am pleased for you about. Sounds amazing 😊

I'd suggest he tries to visit as often as possible, ideally most days if she'll allow, but for short times so it's not imposing on her.

While there he should try to always be the one changing nappies and feeding her, as much as the baby's mother will allow.

And even better if he can sometimes take along a meal for the mum, or check in advance whether some nappies or formula are needed.

And after a few weeks of that, ask to take the baby out for short walks. And so gradually build up until it's time for short visits to your house, and later on for overnight stays.

The baby won't know him from one visit a week, so frequency is more important than duration, for the baby's sake. And hands on parenting and practical helpfulness are important for a good relationship with the mother.

He could read a few books like "The baby whisperer" and "Wonder weeks" and anything else the local library might have. Not to tell the mother where she's going wrong, obviously! But to equip himself to be the best dad he can be.

Perhaps the 'pile on' arose because the OP started off the conversation with a statement that wasn't true - in other words, a lie.

For demanding a six week old baby be parted from its teenage mum for the weekend for your convenience? Yes you are

I don't agree mothers are always right , fathers are always wrong and grandma counts for nothing. Every family in similar situations has their own unique set of circumstances. In this situation it's good advice for mum and dad to try and build bridges for babies sake and work with the mother of the child to help establish a healthy family dynamic. Grandma wading in expecting a newborn baby to be handed over for a few hours every weekend, at this time is unreasonable. I've seen first hand similar situations where grandma gets in between, doing it all for the son and daddy never learns to step up and mummy and daddy are constantly arguing , it's the child who suffers badly. Grandma could really help in this situation by respecting new mums wishes for current contact, building trust , encouraging her son to step up and get on with the mother of his child so the child can have loving happy family around him and thrive

Son's ex WILL let him have access to their baby! If he wants to be a good co parent, he needs to start building up trust with her and making a parenting relationship and YOU need to get out of the middle.