Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

720 replies

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 03:14

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

OP posts:
BaggyPJs · 21/03/2025 12:42

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

Good to see it's opened your eyes.

You don't have any rights to access this child. Your son was old enough to get his girlfriend pregnant, he's old enough to responsibility and ensure the needs of his child are met. Keeping you away from the child's mother is a good starting place.

Hopefully she has family that will advise her to tell him to go to court for access. He won't get to take the baby to your house then either.

Wolfiefan · 21/03/2025 12:44

He’s asking you to sort it out? If he’s old enough to be a father than he’s old enough to sort this himself.
A newborn baby needs to be with its mother. So no you can’t take it to yours for a few hours. Jeez.

JHound · 21/03/2025 12:48

Ask her but also be prepared to go to court to get proper access. My brother had to do this. But this is a risk when you procreate carelessly

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/03/2025 12:49

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

Shame on you!

You start a thread titled "Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby" when his ex does allow access, "with her, in her house" which is perfectly reasonable for a six weeks-old baby. Given they "are refusing to speak to each other" that's quite a concession on her part!

Your son sounds immature - "... and as usual hes asked me to sort things out". In her shoes, I'd be reluctant to entrust my baby to him.

You also say "Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time". Is that what he wants? Or is that what you want? Your son works - who's going to care for her baby when he's at his job? So she wouldn't even be entrusting her baby to him, she would be entrusting her baby to you.

But look at how you view her (and I'd bet good money she knows exactly how you view her) - as a gold-digging parasite; "its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing". She will absolutely pick up on what you think of her, so again, thank your lucky stars she allows you access! But allow you to care for her baby 50/50 with your immature son hovering in the background? It would be a no from me.

You say "my son and I fought like cat and dog over this" - over what, exactly? Him being foolish over contraception? That you regard her as a gold-digger? Something else? "This" is pretty unspecific.

"... all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move."
That is his opportunity to prove to her that he would be able to care for their baby; in her house with all the stuff at hand. He could cahnge nappies, feed, soothe - all the things that would make his case for him. Instead, he's showed up just four times in six weeks. I'd be watching his every move too.

Bottom line, it sounds to me that you want to play Doting Granny, and I suspect your son would have little say in the matter - after all, your expectations are that he'd 'ask you to sort things out' - "as usual". Every post of yours shows no concern for this young girl whose life has just been turned upside down, and frankly next to no concern for your immature son. So again, shame on you.

CheesePlantBoxes · 21/03/2025 12:50

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

Yes, of course you're the sane one in an asylum full of loonies, not totally out of step with reality...

Meadowfinch · 21/03/2025 12:51

JudgeJ · 21/03/2025 10:19

The OP is listening, it's just that the majority are totally biased!

Show quote history

No, the majority of the posts I have seen are giving advice based on what a court in England and Wales will also decide.

Regular short visits in the presence of the mother, to develop a bond and to learn basic babycare, working up to over-night visits at 12-18 months.

The OP can, of course, waste her money going to court to be told exactly the same thing. Or she could use her time more productively, building a good working relationship with the mother of her grandchild, who will be in her life for the next 18 years.

StrawberryDream24 · 21/03/2025 12:53

its always the father that gets the raw deal

Lol.

Ah, no.

2JFDIYOLO · 21/03/2025 12:55

You haven't answered the paternity leave question.

I hope your 'shame on you' reaction was you shaken by the realisation that everyone here is telling you that YOU are being unreasonable.

And what has he planned for mother's day? (In case I have to clarify - for the mother of his child?)

cestlavielife · 21/03/2025 12:57

Go sit in her house
Be super nice
In 6 weeks or12 she will be comfortable with dad and you taking babyfor pram walk to park. Build slowly

Meadowfinch · 21/03/2025 12:58

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 21/03/2025 11:48

Did none of you leave your 6 week old babies at all? Not even for an hour?
Some of you are even saying you don't let your husband's take the baby out of your sight for more than 5 minutes? 😮

No. The first time I left my ds, he was 14 weeks old, and I went to get my hair cut. I was gone an hour and a quarter.

Hankunamatata · 21/03/2025 13:00

You need to do what she wants. And no way on earth would anyone be taking my newborn out of my house. You want to see baby it's with her present.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 21/03/2025 13:00

The baby is not a dolly for you to play house with OP.

Utterly ridiculous and cruel that you want to separate a tiny newborn from their mother.

Go and see the baby at her house and grow up a bit. Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the best interests of your grandchild.

Scirocco · 21/03/2025 13:01

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

Why should people be ashamed for recognising that the needs of a 6-week-old baby take priority over the preferences of a grown man and his mum?

LSTMS30555 · 21/03/2025 13:02

Honestly op she'll be begging for a bit of time to herself in the very near future. Until then I suppose it's a case of gritting your teeth & doing things on her terms 🤷🏻‍♀️

Strictlymad · 21/03/2025 13:02

Whilst some posters are a bit blunt the majority are saying yes it’s unreasonable to separate a newborn from his mum- for both newborn and mum! I’m a mum of two nicu babies and the forced separation is absolute torture. And baby needs mums voice near and her on hand if he needs her. Most posters are pointing this out kindly but you just want everyone to agree with you and aren’t prepared to accept the majority don’t agree with you

brettsalanger · 21/03/2025 13:03

@LolaJ82 you are correct. You are bloody awful. I feel really sorry for the new mum having to deal with you.

SuspiciousChipmunk · 21/03/2025 13:04

He’s the baby’s father. He doesn’t need to ask his ex partner where he sees or where he takes his child. He need to grow up and sort this out himself.

MaltipooMama · 21/03/2025 13:07

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

After some of your updates I don’t think I would want my child around you either tbh, you don’t sound like a very nice person

malificent7 · 21/03/2025 13:09

The longer I atay on mumsnet, the more I am convinced that some of these stories are friction.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 21/03/2025 13:10

If I had to guess, I strongly suspect that your son isn't actually very interested in the baby at all.

You on the other hand are, but have no relationship with the mother of your grandchild and need to use him to gain access.

If he was really interested in his child he'd have made a lot more effort to spend time with him.

PinkArt · 21/03/2025 13:12

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

What a disappointing response to a lot of sensible advice. Clearly the best thing for your 6 week old grandchild isn't to be taken away from their primary caregiver and their home by someone they've met four times. It would serve your son much better to grow up, stop asking mummy to sort this out, and work with the mum on how to appropriately build contact. Starting with the very sensible suggestion of visits at the baby's home.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 21/03/2025 13:12

SuspiciousChipmunk · 21/03/2025 13:04

He’s the baby’s father. He doesn’t need to ask his ex partner where he sees or where he takes his child. He need to grow up and sort this out himself.

With a newborn baby, actually yes he does need to ask - and she can say no.

Supplying sperm doesn't mean you get to call the shots.

AthWat · 21/03/2025 13:13

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

Most people haven't been saying you were an awful person, just that you were being ridiculous.

They probably think you're an awful person now, though.

Never mind, you trumped all the reasoned, detailed responses you got with that laughing emoji. Emojis always win arguments on the internet! It's well known among stupid people.

diddl · 21/03/2025 13:14

At 6 weeks it's perfectly normal/reasonable for the mother to not want to leave her baby

When my first was about that age my parents & ILs visited.

Lovely day, we were all in the garden.

Someone had been holding the baby, but when I next looked, MIL was holding them.

I ran inside & threw up!

MissUltraViolet · 21/03/2025 13:15

You have two choices OP.

Understand and appreciate that this woman has very recently given birth to her first child and she doesn’t feel comfortable (yet) with her newborn being taken away, by your son, you, probably anyone. That is completely normal. Work with her, agree to her conditions, be friendly, caring, polite, supportive and spend time with your GC at her house. In a few weeks/months I am sure she will relax a little after seeing her baby is safe and cared for well by her dad.

Or…take it personally, be rude and opinionated, fight her every step of the way. That won’t end well for your grandchild, your son or yourself.

Eighteen years, remember that. She is doing nothing wrong.