Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Bit of a misleading title OP. The baby's mother isn't refusing him access, as you say she is refusing access unless it is with her and at her house. That's a pretty big caveat given the baby is six weeks old.

Also, if they are 'refusing to speak to each other' it sounds like they both need to grow up quite a lot. I'm not sure that fact speaks particularly well of your son's ability to be trusted with a baby.

Yes, with their father who had been present through the pregnancy, birth and all of their short life

Not with virtual strangers

Give it time and the baby will know their other family and can go to them

Not now

For a few hours? No, I certainly did not. At 10 weeks I left him for an hour, but until then it was more like half an hour at a time left with Daddy (for showers etc). DH always said his job was just looking after me while I looked after DS, which he did very well. Mostly I'd feed him and cuddle him, DH would do winding and nappy change, and DS had an evening nap on Daddy's every night while I ate dinner next to them. Tiny babies are full-on, when they aren't sleeping they want mummy. From 3 months they start to be ready for longer gaps if it's someone they know well (like Daddy). Some mums are happy to drop off a baby with whoever and aren't bothered that it will cry and be distressed, but it is more usual for a mum to stay with the baby in those initial months to avoid that.

You haven’t answered the questions asking if he is on the birth certificate? That will be key if he pursues this through the family court.

He should suggest he spends time with the baby several times a week for an hour or so at her home if that is ok with the mum. He needs to show her he can care for their baby and meet all its needs. He should ask her to show him how to clean him when he changes a dirty nappy. How to hold him safely. How to soothe him. How to put him down to sleep. Once he has demonstrated all this she is likely to feel more confident that the baby can safely spend time with him without her.

OP, you should back right off. Your son sounds like a good'n to me. Paying his way and trying to build a relationship with his child.

You, however, seem completely selfish and blatantly just want your grandchild at your house for your own reasons.

With my husband that I loved and trusted? Of course, with a man I had a short fling with and a woman I had met less than a handful of times? No, I wouldn’t have done that.

Not very often by 6 weeks, no, but she did sometimes spend time alone with her father for an hour or two - the father who lived with her and had been with her every day of her life. Not an utterly pathetic FOUR TIMES.

It must be very difficult when baby is so young and also when your son feels he has such a difficult relationship with the little one's mum. Maybe as the weather improves he could offer to take baby out for a walk so she can get some rest at home or even suggest to her that she goes and gets some sleep while he is there with the little one. Baby is very young and it will all take time but not going to see baby because it all feels awkward isn't going to help dad and his bond with baby. The more he finds himself going to the house to be with baby, the more mum will feel like actually she probably doesn't really want him there so she may start suggesting he goes out with little one. She isn't going to suggest that if he is there once a week or less. Are there any local classes he could look into taking his baby to? Something that fits around his work that he can book baby into and mum can come with them to start with? Means that he gets to see baby but it isn't in her house and she still feels like she isn't sending baby away without her?

OP - this is your life, not any of ours on this thread. You can put laughing faces and imply we are all bitches, but back in real life, it’s you facing this and not us. So there isn’t much point in taking pot shots at us. You can call us a bunch of cunts or whatever you like - but it has no impact on anything in real life.

You are the one that needs to take action in real life. The action is clear. Get your son over to the baby’s home every week so he can hold baby and bond. Do not try to strip a 6 week old baby from its mother.

If you don’t get your head out of your arse and behave properly, you and your son are going to have a sad relationship with this baby.

The shame is all yours. Grow up.

If your and your son's relationship with the mother of his child are so poor then you need to work on building trust with her for the sake of the baby. The way to do this is NOT to try to railroad her into letting you have unsupervised access so early in the day.

Your son is not being denied access, he's just not getting access on your terms. Stop viewing her as the enemy.

If you want your grandchild to be in your life for the next 18 plus years, take things gradually. Suck it up, see the baby as often as you can at her place, encourage your son to have an amicable relationship with her. Maybe you could offer to make a cup of tea and give them a few minutes with the baby together rather than be constantly "under your eye".

If it goes well, you can progress to neutral ground or your place (with her still present) in a few months. I wouldn't expect to have the baby unsupervised even for a couple of hours until at least 6 months, and that's only if things go smoothly.

She’s not refusing you access. You’ve framed this all wrong

I still remember the feeling I had when I bought my 1st child home, I can't imagine someone taking my 6 week old baby away, even for a few hours. Especially to someone I didn't know.

Your son sounds like he wants to be around for his baby, which is good. You should be proud of that, and encouraging him to be helpful and asking her how he can help, can he bring things over for the baby etc. If he is old enough to have a child, he is old enough to get over the awkward 'ex girlfriend' situation and put their child first.
You involving yourself so much won't help at all, and I have to say you seem rather full on - which my MIL was - and she made the first few weeks with my child pretty awful, don't be that person as this girl will never forget how you made her feel.
Your involvement should be minimum at this stage, perhaps visiting with your son occasionally, maybe even messaging yourself to see if you can help with anything. You don't know this girl at all, and if you aren't careful you will alienate her and jeopardise a possible relationship, which in turn may affect your son's relationship.

Your title is misleading. She isn't blocking access your son is not taking the access he can have.

The baby is so young it is not unreasonable for mum not to be ready to leave baby with dad. Son has to take contact he can just now and progress to having baby on his own when baby old enough.

I would be encouraging my son to go every weekend for the time allowed. To try and develop a civil coparenting relationship with baby's mum. In a few months she may be happy for him to take baby, if not and it goes to mediation he will be in a much better position.

If he can't do that then I would be suspicious he is happy to take the excuse to opt out of parenting.

So she is not refusing him access, she is refusing YOU access, and is within her rights to do so.

If you want a relationship with both the mother of your grandchild and the grandchild in the future, you need to understand that you have no rights here. Youve had your a** handed to you here, but you don't seem to understand.

Referring to the mother of your grandchild as "this girl" shows disrespect, and is something that you should try to dial down in your dealings with her and indeed with your GC in the future.

This

You're not trying to act in the best interests of your grandchild you're just trying to get one over and control her.

If it was about what is best for the baby it would be at her house with the primary carer at hand.

Awful attitude. Grow up.

@LolaJ82

You need to take a step back and look at this situation sensibly. I understand that is not easy. There are a lot of high emotions because of the nature of the dispute and you are (understandably) defensive of your son and his right to want to be a present and active parent. BUT you need to decide whether trying to get what you want immediately is worth the further damage you are causing to an already fractious and strained relationship between your son and the mother of his child (not “this girl”, she is your grandchild’s mother). If you wade in and end up with a similar relationship with her, do you think this will help you, or hinder you and your son (or your grandchild) in the future? You can always try to prove you are in the right, or you can work towards a compromise where you get some or most of what you want. Which is more important to you?

Your son and his ex-gf are young and angry, possibly hurt, emotional and a bit all over the place. I understand this situation is hard for you too, as it involves your grandchild and is upsetting your son too- but you need to try to be the calm head on older shoulders and help guide your son, be careful to avoid fanning the flames . I’m not saying she is perfect, she no doubt carries a proportion of the blame for the relationship breakdown and has no doubt not behaved perfectly. The same will be true of your son, though. They do need to find a way to co-parent together though and that will mean both of them putting animosity aside. You will need to try to do that too.

It is a good thing your son wants to be present in his child’s life- of course it is. I really doubt many think otherwise. But at the moment this baby is very little and I think demanding the child be away from her for hours at a time is neither realistic or fair to either of them.

I think you your statement that your grandchild’s mother is preventing him from seeing his child is inaccurate. Telling her this is likely to get her back up. It’s not helpful. At best it is possibly a misinterpretation of her intent- he is not being prevented from seeing his child, she is allowing him to spend time with his child, but at her house. I understand why that isn’t ideal from his/your perspective, but can you honestly not understand why this is the case?

I think that what you want, longer term, is not unreasonable. Wanting it right now given that this baby is only 6 weeks old, is unreasonable. This is not a stage where most mothers and babies would cope well being separated. It is not essential (e.g. for essential medical care) and so should not be done simply to make your son more comfortable. I think both your son and his ex-gf need to be encouraged to find a way to at least tolerate each other for the sake of their child. Trying to force this issue is one way to ensure that will be highly unlikely to happen.

Look, none of us (including you, in reality) know exactly why the relationship between your son and his ex-GF is currently so poor. However, getting you to intercede on his behalf is not going to help- you don’t have a good relationship with her and appear to be somewhat antagonistic towards here because you feel she is excluding your son (and you?). You might be right about her, perhaps her long-term goal to try to exclude your son from his child’s life- and if so, I hope he fights through the courts and gets his rights recognised. I would have no sympathy or understanding for her if she did that. But, right now, what she is offering is reasonable. If you start interfering and backing up unreasonable demands made by your son, you are setting up friction where there does not need to be any- between her and you. It really is in all of your interests that this does not happen.

Encourage you son to be a the best father he can be right now, in the circumstance he finds himself. Ideally, of course he would not be visiting his child in their mother’s home for a few hours, feeling under the microscope when he wants to try and build a bond with his child. It’s far from ideal that he has what sounds like a pretty hostile relationship with the woman he is going to have to co-parent with. But this is the situation he finds himself in and has to find a way forward from. The reality of being a parent means putting your wants or preferences to one side and do things you’d rather not, in the best interests of your child. In this instance, that is going to mean visiting the child in the current set up until his son is older and can happily be separated from his mother. It is possible that if he does this, shows consistency and gives his ex-gf some grace, that trust might build and something can be built on that. Ex-GF would also have to give him consistent access and not try to make things difficult- I’m not saying it is all a one way street. She has to play fair too.

It's early. When you say a 6 week old baby we are talking also about a woman who is 6 weeks pp and that's a very very tough place to be.

"its always the father that gets the raw deal" Try and think back 19 years and ask if you felt you were getting the best deal.

I think you've gotten some really helpful and constructive advice here, so really I would take some time to reflect on it. If you're not able to see that then you aren't the right person to be trying to sort this out.

You’ve had great advice on here so far, OP. But you sound quite immature, aggressive and not ready to listen to it.

If you want to see this baby and if you want your son and his ex to sort things out amicably, then you need to calm down and think about what’s best for the baby, not for you.

Is your son paying CMS?

Is he on the birth certificate?

Has he read any parenting books so he knows what the first weeks and months are like for baby and mum? That might help.

BTW, YOU have NO rights to see the baby.

This.

I understand why your sun has turned out to be an entitled shit, unable to put the needs of his newborn baby first. Apples falling from trees and all that.

There have been many threads here where a single mum has had an issue with baby's (usually manipulative) father demanding "alone time" with baby. In every case MN people have responded that a young baby needs to be with their mother.

Shame on you for thinking otherwise.

OP, moving on from where your ds finds himself.....

He needs to understand that he has 18 years of co-parenting ahead of him so he needs to get over any awkwardness now. He cannot make demands, threaten, harass, call on you or stamp his foot because it won't get him anywhere.

He needs to start again. Take a deep breath, and act professionally and maturely. He needs to accept the terms put forward by his ex, co-operate, take time to build a relationship with his baby. Learn how to change a nappy. Learn how to make a feed, sterilise a bottle, wind and comfort the baby.

It is Mother's Day in a week. I suggest he buys the mother of his child some flowers and chocolates, goes round (by prior agreement) to spend an hour with his child, apologises for trying to pressure her, and start building bridges.

Nothing else will work, she is in the right and the courts will support her stance.

Look, you likely don’t know the full story. My son’s dad told everyone I didn’t let him see his baby ‘for no reason’. He failed to mention that he was abusive and I didn’t allow him to see our child (on the advisory of police and other services) because he posed a risk. Everyone felt sorry for HIM and shamed me for keeping a baby from his dad but nobody knew the full story. So could this be a situation where your son is victimising himself but the mother has a reason for doing so?

also, asking to have the baby away from its mother for a few hours is completely unreasonable. It’s a BABY not a toy that can be pushed around. The baby will have a bond with its mother and it will harmful for the baby to be away. Also, this mother will be post partum. A single mother at that, she will likely have all these emotions and asking to take her baby away from her is really not ok. If he wants to see the baby, it will be where she will say is suitable.