Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

Perhaps it was a mistake for you to say in your heading that she wasn’t allowing your son access, when that isn’t true? What she’s not allowing is access on his/your terms, and with a six-week-old baby and a "mother-in-law" she’s barely met, I don’t blame her.

Oh yes shame on us all for thinking the welfare of a tiny baby is the priority here and that the mothers wishes should be respected

If your son was the earth angel you seem to think, he’d be happy to visit his child more than 4 times in 6 weeks but I suspect he’s tied to your apron strings while you think you call all the shots.

Though I’m doubting this is real because no one can can be this blinkered surely?

I assume that he it was his decision to only visit 4 times in six weeks. OP is an unreliable narrator as the post title is 'son's ex won't let him have access to his baby' when in fact she will let him have access but only in her home when she is there. He could see the baby more often at his ex-girlfriend's house but he doesn't want to do that. He wants his mum to sort it out so that they take the baby away every weekend. That is completely unreasonable.

No, they have to go to mediation first (unless DV is involved). Court is the last resort.

Please explain that

I think you are overly involved, have painted this young woman as the enemy and are pushing to hard for too much too soon.

i don’t think any court would give him the kind of access you want this soon. The fact that he has visits with the baby in her house will work on her favor. The fact that his mother is now pushing for more and leading communication will work against him.

it would be in the best interests of the baby to have an involved dad - and for his mum and dad to have a decent co parenting relationship. You are burning that to the ground.

take a breath, take a step back, explain to your son he won’t get the level of access he want now when the baby is so small. But he will build up to it. When everyone is comfortable.

You are clearly experiencing a lot of intense emotions - and from your comments here I can see why a vulnerable young mother would find this all too much, and find you too much. Please back off.

Yes, it seems you are. Butt out and let your son fight his own battles. See how much of a doting father he really is! Can’t even put up with an hour of “awkward” to see his child, whom his ex is absolutely not refusing him contact with.

Behave yourself.

Wow, the entitlement in this response is staggering!
The best place for such a young baby is with it's mum. Your son needs to prioritise the primary attachment at this time which is it's mum.
He can be present, he can be involved, but at this very early stage that needs to be at mums house with mum present.
It's great your son wants to be involved and be a good dad to baby. The best thing he can do at this time is go with what mum wants (and more importantly, what the baby needs) which is to be close to mum.

Aw come on @LolaJ82 give the young woman a break. YABU
6 weeks is far too young to leave mum.

Tell your son to act like an adult and start LISTENING to his ex.
If he stubbornly refuses then he won't get to see his baby.
If he argues with you 92 reasons why he can't talk to her, sympathise with him and point out, this is why he's not going to see his baby.
If he pleads with you to 'sort his mess out' tell him that him being childish is stopping him from seeing his baby.
Until he stops being unreasonable, he doesn't see his baby.

Perhaps he could text her and ask if she needs anything dropping off? A meal, nappies, formula, anything at all.
Maybe he could text and ask for a photo please? Then say 'thank you so much, may I come round for half an hour please?'
Polite, calm and reasonable. No hot words, accusations and demands.

Softly softly catchee monkey. Baby steps needed here, at mum's pace, to build up trust.

6 weeks is very very young to expect to have the little one solely on your own with your son. It would be unfair on the baby and mum . Equally it's important your son has access to build a bond. I don't think it's unreasonable she's asking you to got to her home but perhaps if she left the room and pottered about it would be more comfortable and feels less 'supervised'. At least mum will be there who knows the baby a lot more and their feeding ques, cries, breastfeed etc

Has your DS taken up the offer of time in her own home?

Start with that and build up to local trips out (library, park etc).

Re-negotiate in 6 months time - but that for your DS to do - not you.

My baby wouldnt be leaving my sight at 6 weeks old.... good he wants to see his baby but he needs to go there til the baby is older

Unfortunately, you do sound like an awful person from what you have said. You seem to be one of those MILs, clueless and classless whose darling son can do no wrong and was trapped by an unscrupulous gold-digger and forced to have unprotected sex leading to a baby. You have no rebuttal to any of the points raised by most posters, in particular that it is unreasonable to separate a six week old baby from its mother so why don't you both visit the baby at her home and try and build a relationship so that she can trust that you have the baby's best interests at heart.

You really are 😂

Oh god this is going to turn into your average deadbeat dad with Mummy backing him all the way scenario.

I bet she made horrible, judgmental comments to the mum many times too. I actually feel for the poor girl!

Did none of you leave your 6 week old babies at all? Not even for an hour?
Some of you are even saying you don't let your husband's take the baby out of your sight for more than 5 minutes? 😮

"its always the father that gets the raw deal"

MRA alert!

Some do, some don't. The point is that it's the mum's choice, not the MIL and father.

Husband is different from an ex and unknown MIL. And no I wasn’t ever in a separate building from any of my babies in the fist 3-4 months. I could get a break upstairs but also hear them cry and respond accordingly.

Got plenty of breaks but I would have been heartbroken at the idea of not knowing where by newborn was and being separated by actual distance.

LolaJ82 · Today 03:50

Amazing that a father wanting to see his child is seen as a bad thing! Hopping up and down about parental rights 🤣 its always the father that gets the raw deal, yes he was there throughout the full pregnancy, has totally turned up all the time, baby is bottle fed, so breat feeding isnt an issue, and yes, Ive had 2 of my own, so know what its like having a new born. I've been nothing but supportive.
Considering this site is meant to be a support for people, I dread to think what pulling people down looks like, you all made me out like I was harrasing this girl!

With the baby at 6 weeks, you are harrassing “this girl”, your grandchild’s mother.

She is not preventing your son from seeing his child. She is perfectly reasonably saying visits must be at her home for the time being.

Were I her, I would also want a relative with me because you sound very difficult to deal with.

At 6 weeks it's perfectly normal/reasonable for the mother to not want to leave her baby

well, yes, clearly

No, I didn’t leave mine at that age. Neither did any of my friends. As for letting their father take them out of sight for five minutes…sure, into the garden or the next room to change clothes/nappy/ bath. Which the OP’s son can do during the reasonable access he is being offered at the mother’s home.

Insisting on contact away from the mother is weird and very selfish. In my experience it’s very often the father’s mother driving this agenda in relation to very young babies, though I find it difficult to understand why it is so important that the child’s mother be absent.

There is a huge difference between leaving a baby with a father who has been reliably present throughout the pregnancy, and who’s voice the baby recognises alongside the mothers; and leaving it with an ex who is (other than genetics and four visits) relatively unknown to the baby.