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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

720 replies

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 03:14

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

OP posts:
Marmiteontoastgirlie · 21/03/2025 11:06

I am shocked that you, as a mother yourself, would even be entertaining the idea that he should feel entitled to take a 6 week baby away from its mother’s supervision! You should be explaining to your son that this is unreasonable and that it’s perfectly natural for the mother to be watching anyone who is holding her baby and that he’ll just have to do things on her terms until at least 6 months.

Heatingsstillon · 21/03/2025 11:09

Ilovelifeverymuch · 21/03/2025 10:54

She isn't stoping him from seeing his baby she is saying they can't take the baby to Grandma's house for a few hours or weekend yet and that's reasonable. As a result the son has thrown a tantrum and refused to go see his baby because he doesn't want to be at his ex's place and have her watching him. He has only see the baby 4 times in 6 weeks.

As you said it's unfortunate with children having children and it's the baby that will suffer the consequences.

And OPs response comes across as someone who will cause issues for the young mother, it's all about OP and the access she wants to the baby not what is right for the baby. She missed everyone's point and turned into claims that people don't want her son to see the baby etc.

Edited
Show quote history

The mum and dad both aren't speaking. They're both childish and far too immature to have a baby if they can't even speak to each other.

You're right, the dad should make more effort to be involved - he also needs to be allowed involvement on his own, not yet but in the future (I do agree that baby is too young). But for future, something legal needs to be drawn up because the parents of this child are downright petty and pathetic. It will be worth it for mum and dad and more importantly, the baby.

Whoever is a parent and reading this thread, make sure your kids (both sexes) know about contraption and to use it. And make sure they know to really think, plan and discuss having children, and only when they're emotionally mature enough to give more fucks about the kid than they do themselves.

Dervel · 21/03/2025 11:10

Been in your son’s position myself, with a very strained relationship with the mother. Best thing is to park any resentments and focus on the child. In fact it’s best to think of mother and child as being almost one entity still, what’s bad and stressful for mum will be stressful for the baby.

I just parked my ego for a bit and showed up with nappies, formula, clothes and anything if req. I think in the initial month or two is little and often is key. I got to see mine maybe 4-5 times a week for about an hour. I think I got to take my son home for about 4-5 hours about a month and a half in. Which came about as my ex was doing an apartment move so I offered. Frame it all as questions of what does mum want. I’m afraid your son is just gonna have to march to mums tune for a bit.

I got my first overnight at 5 months old, not because I asked for it, but because my ex called to ask if I could have him so she could stay over somewhere on a night out. Being a reliable source of support will get you miles further than harping on about rights and entitlements. Also I would add I’ve not found any systems remotely stacked against me as a father. As long as your number one focus is the child’s wellbeing then that in my experience tends to win out.

Unfortunately in the end I and my son’s mother were unable to pull off a decent co-parenting relationship, and after 6 or so years going through the courts I now have him full time, but never once throughout the entire process did I feel the courts were against me. In fact their lean isn’t about mothers vs fathers at all, but what’s good for the child. They will for preference try and bang your heads together to try and get you on the same page for the child’s sake. Yeah I may have won in the courts, but my son lost
what should have been a solid two parent household setup that I regret not being able to bring into land for him.

CandidRaven · 21/03/2025 11:16

She is allowing access to the baby but she quite understandably wants to keep the baby with her during it, you can't expect a mother of a newborn baby to just hand over her baby to go somewhere else without her, I didn't let mine out of my sight when they were born, it is in the baby's best interest to stay with the mother until they are a bit older and your son can go and see the baby while at her house

Qmalrg · 21/03/2025 11:19

My kids are adult, but I remember that when they were 6 weeks, I would not have wanted to be parted from them at all. It’s reasonable for your ds to see his baby in the baby’s mum’s home, with her there. Go there, do it regularly and be polite.

Wanting to take a 6 week baby from its mother is a red flag - a red flag on you op - and you should know better. The baby isn’t a toy - the baby lived inside her for 9 months and she is strongly bonded to the baby. I would have cried all those hours if someone had taken my newborn to their house without me.

The mother is being reasonable. I suggest you follow suit.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 21/03/2025 11:21

She's not refusing access.

She just wants her newborn baby in her home and not to be taken away for hours at a time.

Maybe if you suggested a walk in the pram around the block I would understand... But physically taking the baby away and to your home is not okay.

I don't know any mother that would be okay with that at that age.

You are so wildly unreasonable that I feel really bad for this young girl.

As a woman and a mother I would have thought you would know that to even suggest this is not only crazy but showing zero understanding and compassion.

TonTonMacoute · 21/03/2025 11:21

If he wants to be a good dad he has to start by doing things on the mother's terms.

If he does this, and gets to know LO, then he will be in a much stronger position to ask for the few hours at home in a few months time.

MissDoubleU · 21/03/2025 11:21

Dervel · 21/03/2025 11:10

Been in your son’s position myself, with a very strained relationship with the mother. Best thing is to park any resentments and focus on the child. In fact it’s best to think of mother and child as being almost one entity still, what’s bad and stressful for mum will be stressful for the baby.

I just parked my ego for a bit and showed up with nappies, formula, clothes and anything if req. I think in the initial month or two is little and often is key. I got to see mine maybe 4-5 times a week for about an hour. I think I got to take my son home for about 4-5 hours about a month and a half in. Which came about as my ex was doing an apartment move so I offered. Frame it all as questions of what does mum want. I’m afraid your son is just gonna have to march to mums tune for a bit.

I got my first overnight at 5 months old, not because I asked for it, but because my ex called to ask if I could have him so she could stay over somewhere on a night out. Being a reliable source of support will get you miles further than harping on about rights and entitlements. Also I would add I’ve not found any systems remotely stacked against me as a father. As long as your number one focus is the child’s wellbeing then that in my experience tends to win out.

Unfortunately in the end I and my son’s mother were unable to pull off a decent co-parenting relationship, and after 6 or so years going through the courts I now have him full time, but never once throughout the entire process did I feel the courts were against me. In fact their lean isn’t about mothers vs fathers at all, but what’s good for the child. They will for preference try and bang your heads together to try and get you on the same page for the child’s sake. Yeah I may have won in the courts, but my son lost
what should have been a solid two parent household setup that I regret not being able to bring into land for him.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

ForRealCat · 21/03/2025 11:22

Heatingsstillon · 21/03/2025 11:09

The mum and dad both aren't speaking. They're both childish and far too immature to have a baby if they can't even speak to each other.

You're right, the dad should make more effort to be involved - he also needs to be allowed involvement on his own, not yet but in the future (I do agree that baby is too young). But for future, something legal needs to be drawn up because the parents of this child are downright petty and pathetic. It will be worth it for mum and dad and more importantly, the baby.

Whoever is a parent and reading this thread, make sure your kids (both sexes) know about contraption and to use it. And make sure they know to really think, plan and discuss having children, and only when they're emotionally mature enough to give more fucks about the kid than they do themselves.

Show quote history

You have no evidence baby's mum is being childish and petty. She keeps offering up her own home for visits which sounds accommodating and conciliatory to me.

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 21/03/2025 11:22

Dervel · 21/03/2025 11:10

Been in your son’s position myself, with a very strained relationship with the mother. Best thing is to park any resentments and focus on the child. In fact it’s best to think of mother and child as being almost one entity still, what’s bad and stressful for mum will be stressful for the baby.

I just parked my ego for a bit and showed up with nappies, formula, clothes and anything if req. I think in the initial month or two is little and often is key. I got to see mine maybe 4-5 times a week for about an hour. I think I got to take my son home for about 4-5 hours about a month and a half in. Which came about as my ex was doing an apartment move so I offered. Frame it all as questions of what does mum want. I’m afraid your son is just gonna have to march to mums tune for a bit.

I got my first overnight at 5 months old, not because I asked for it, but because my ex called to ask if I could have him so she could stay over somewhere on a night out. Being a reliable source of support will get you miles further than harping on about rights and entitlements. Also I would add I’ve not found any systems remotely stacked against me as a father. As long as your number one focus is the child’s wellbeing then that in my experience tends to win out.

Unfortunately in the end I and my son’s mother were unable to pull off a decent co-parenting relationship, and after 6 or so years going through the courts I now have him full time, but never once throughout the entire process did I feel the courts were against me. In fact their lean isn’t about mothers vs fathers at all, but what’s good for the child. They will for preference try and bang your heads together to try and get you on the same page for the child’s sake. Yeah I may have won in the courts, but my son lost
what should have been a solid two parent household setup that I regret not being able to bring into land for him.

This is a great comment which I hope you read OP. You would be best placed to help coach your son to take this attitude, baby and mum right now are one unit and you should try to focus on supporting mum, asking what she needs and giving that, then you might find she naturally reaches for you when she wants a break from baby or feels ready to go out without baby etc. Much better than demanding time with the baby due to your “rights”.

It’s not like it’s even different that they’re not together, even within a married couple that is how it works, dad fetching water and propping up pillows for mum, ensuring mum has healthy food and everything she needs, then mum asking dad to hold baby so she can have a sleep etc. I even watched over my own husband with our baby until I was confident he had got the knack of different tasks!

My husband at 6 weeks postpartum would NEVER have said, “right, give me the baby I’m taking it for a walk away from you as I have parental rights too and don’t want you always breathing down my neck”.

JanglingJack · 21/03/2025 11:24

I was in the same position.

Of course 6 weeks is too early to a ask! The girl is just getting used to motherhood and all the hormones and body changes that come with it.

Give her a break.

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 21/03/2025 11:25

This is why I never believe a man who says that their ex just stopped contact for no reason.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 21/03/2025 11:26

Dervel · 21/03/2025 11:10

Been in your son’s position myself, with a very strained relationship with the mother. Best thing is to park any resentments and focus on the child. In fact it’s best to think of mother and child as being almost one entity still, what’s bad and stressful for mum will be stressful for the baby.

I just parked my ego for a bit and showed up with nappies, formula, clothes and anything if req. I think in the initial month or two is little and often is key. I got to see mine maybe 4-5 times a week for about an hour. I think I got to take my son home for about 4-5 hours about a month and a half in. Which came about as my ex was doing an apartment move so I offered. Frame it all as questions of what does mum want. I’m afraid your son is just gonna have to march to mums tune for a bit.

I got my first overnight at 5 months old, not because I asked for it, but because my ex called to ask if I could have him so she could stay over somewhere on a night out. Being a reliable source of support will get you miles further than harping on about rights and entitlements. Also I would add I’ve not found any systems remotely stacked against me as a father. As long as your number one focus is the child’s wellbeing then that in my experience tends to win out.

Unfortunately in the end I and my son’s mother were unable to pull off a decent co-parenting relationship, and after 6 or so years going through the courts I now have him full time, but never once throughout the entire process did I feel the courts were against me. In fact their lean isn’t about mothers vs fathers at all, but what’s good for the child. They will for preference try and bang your heads together to try and get you on the same page for the child’s sake. Yeah I may have won in the courts, but my son lost
what should have been a solid two parent household setup that I regret not being able to bring into land for him.

Can I just say how lovely it is to see a response like this from a man on MN.

Great, mature advice.

I really appreciate you saying the system isn't stacked against fathers also. It's a misogynistic lie told by fathers who don't actually want to put the effort in. It's easier to cry victim.

It sounds like you were really great in your situation. It's heartening to hear about you putting your son's welfare first, especially in those beginning stages.

OP, please listen to this man's advice. Your son needs to support and be understanding. Hopefully they can work together and co-parent as trust build as she is out of the throes of just having had a baby.

JanglingJack · 21/03/2025 11:26

JanglingJack · 21/03/2025 11:24

I was in the same position.

Of course 6 weeks is too early to a ask! The girl is just getting used to motherhood and all the hormones and body changes that come with it.

Give her a break.

Ps her and my son split, very acrimonious...

I have a wonderful relationship with her and my DG now.

ChicaWowWow · 21/03/2025 11:28

Sorry but when my babies were 6 wo, I was watching everyone's every move with them 🤣 Call me helicopter mom, I don't care! At 6 weeks, I will watch my baby like a hawk and I won't be more than 2m away. You're asking too much too soon. Wait until the baby is closer to 1 year old!

Original poster
LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

OP posts:
thismummydrinksgin · 21/03/2025 11:29

Do what the mom says , show that he is serious anout being involved for a start.

AngelicKaty · 21/03/2025 11:29

@LolaJ82 YANBU. However, your DS' EXP isn't so much denying him access altogether, rather she's placing conditions on it. For now, if I were your DS I'd go along with what she wants to ensure I maintained contact with my child and established some sort of relationship with them, but your DS may also like to refer to this information for how to move forward in the future: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/making-agreements-about-your-children/making-child-arrangements/#:~:text=Getting%20help%20with%20child%20arrangements,of%20children%20in%20family%20courts.

LilacPeer · 21/03/2025 11:29

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

Based purely on this comment alone, I would say yes you are an awful person and I'm beyond glad it's not me having to deal with you!

CandleRigg89 · 21/03/2025 11:30

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

After your replies I actually think the poor new mum should restrict access. Your son sounds like a selfish nightmare, and I can see the apple didn’t fall far from the tree!

sprigatito · 21/03/2025 11:30

A father demanding that a tiny baby be separated from its mother for his (and his mother’s) convenience? More red flags than a Communist party rally. If he (and you) can’t put the baby’s interests first at this early stage, then it’s not hard to see why the child’s mother might have reservations about him being in sole charge. He will need to go to court to establish contact - and I’d be surprised if any court would force the mother to hand over an infant so young that it’s still practically part of the mother’s body.

Seventree · 21/03/2025 11:31

Nobody, not even the child's dad, has the right to separate a 6 week old from their mum.

When the baby is older it will be appropriate for your son to see his child alone. But not when they are so young.

GRex · 21/03/2025 11:31

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

If you didn't want to hear what you could do for your son to have more access to his child, why did you post?
You're getting the advice you need, which is not the advice you want, but you really must put your pride aside to listen before you make things even worse.

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 21/03/2025 11:31

LolaJ82 · 21/03/2025 11:28

Shame on all of you for these responses, but im the awful person 🤣

You asked in AIBU! The majority of posters think you / your son are being unreasonable - did you just want a thread of everyone agreeing with you?

SoOxon · 21/03/2025 11:31

JudgeJ · 21/03/2025 10:17

This site will almost always take the mother's side, whatever she does. If she is withholding his rights as a father then he should be withholding a proportion of any financial support he's giving until she allows him a fair access. 4 times in 6 weeks is appalling behaviour towards a father who has been supportive through the pregnancy.

Show quote history

monetising baby/visits, pay to view? take the mother’s ‘side’ - on Mumsnet? tsk tsk