Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

He is an adult with his own child. If he cared, he'd be sorting this out himself. I would reach out and ask his ex how you can help her, but in terms of access HE needs to sort it out.

A father doesn't have rights, he has responsibilities. One of those is to financially provide for his child.

It’s too soon for a baby to be away from Mum. This is a new baby, things will shift and change as your grandchild gets older. I understand why she doesn’t want to be parted from her newborn. It doesn’t sound as though she has known your son all that long, and they are very young.
Give it time .

You both sound incredibly reactive, controlling and immature. She is allowing your son to see the baby. Just at her house. That is reasonable at six weeks old. At six years old you might have a point but it’s six weeks old.

Perhaps the way you both behave is a barrier to her wanting you to look after the baby? He can’t have a civil relationship with the mother of his child without his own mother getting involved. You write about ‘fighting like cats and dogs’. I probably wouldn’t want either of you near my child either without me there either. The pair of you sound appalling.

The baby's 6 weeks old, OP. You're being completely unreasonable, and very petulant since the vast majority of responses are clearly not what you were expecting or hoping to hear.

You say he doesn’t want to sit at her house with ”every movement being watched”. Maybe she doesn’t want her six week old baby being looked after by an inexperienced father in the house of a woman she has only met a couple of times.

If he really wants to bond with the baby then getting to know it in its home environment, where it is surrounded by familiar people, faces and smells is the way to go.

It really sounds as though you are the one pushing for this and manipulating him emotionally behind the scenes, your snarky remark about money does you no favours.

@LolaJ82 have you not heard of the 4th trimester? The three months following birth, a baby should be as close to its mother as much as possible. A baby doesn’t care for anyone but the mother who carried it at this point and to take that away to spend time with people who don’t smell or sound like her because they believe they have ‘equal ownership’ is traumatic. Your son should be making more of an effort to visit so the baby gets to know him by physicality as well. Social relationships will grow later on, but the most important thing now is letting the baby be with mum and respecting her space and boundaries as she begins motherhood. Don’t turn this into a war of who gets the most time with the child, it’s not going to be equal at this point and wouldn’t be if they were a coinhabiting couple either.

‘The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house’

So she’s not refusing him access, she’s putting very reasonable boundaries around the terms of that access for a new born. Your son needs to work with her in the best interests of the child, which at 6 weeks old are at home, with his mother. There will be time to have access elsewhere when baby is older and trust has been built - but right now his lack of compromise is going to jeopardise that.

4 times in 6 weeks has been his choice.

The OP herself says the mother is not restricting access, simply requesting that it is in her home, which is exactly what any court in this land would grant at six weeks.

Doesn’t sound like she is denying access, but access is in her home. The baby is six weeks old!

the best thing you can do for your son is remind him that postpartum is real, the mum and baby HAVE to bond, and he needs to suck it up. Plenty of time in future for baby to come to you.

Being a good Dad involves recognising babies need their mums and supporting on her terms for now

It is not about him, it is what is best for the baby , if you want to be a granny to this child in the future then you need to be concentrating on that, not whining on about his needs. you seem to think that because he is ( quite rightly) contributing financially , that this buys him parental rights and a say so in how a six week old is parented.

I agree that contact while mum is there seems like a good idea while the baby is so young. You could see it as a good thing - if you can build a relationship with her it will only be good for your grandson and your chances of seeing him in the long run. Go for it.

Wow, you totally missed the point didn't you?

I haven't seen people say he shouldn't have any rights, what they are saying is the baby is still very young and so it's reasonable for you and your son to see the baby at her place for now and as the baby gets older you can transition to talking him/her for a few hours etc until you build up to 50:50.

Your response here is very worrying and you're acting like a victim ready to fight. Surely you don't expect 50:50 while the baby is 6 months old? How will that work?

Be careful you don't create a tense relationship with the mother because if your unfounded belief that she wants to deprive your son of access. Your thread title claims "she wouldn't let him have access" but your story says otherwise, she is allowing him access but saying the baby is too young for you to take to your house for a few hours. That's reasonable to me, the baby is only 6 weeks old.

Your son should go see his baby a lot more frequently than the 4 times in 6 weeks, and it comes across as wanting to bring the baby to your place is for you not him. He still loves at home despite the fact he warns so much money the baby does not want for anything, so how is he going to take care of the baby during his 50% share of time? I guess that's where you come in right? So this is about you wanting to have the baby at your place and having access/control over the baby not your son. I'm sure your son isn't the one pushing for access and 50:50 given he hasn't even been bothered to see his child more than 4 times over the past 6 weeks. Remember that this isn't about what you want but about what is right for the baby.

Your son doesn't seem to be making enough effort to even see the baby at her place, he has only see his baby 4 times in 6 weeks, that's ridiculous and not good enough.

Kids having kids. Another poor kid in the middle of a shitstorm.

Baby is young, don't push this. But it shouldn't continue this way as baby gets older.

Make diaries, keep everything. Just in case. Then get legal advice. Make sure he is paying for his son.

Men still should be able to see their kids though ffs. No wonder men don't step up.

It's his child too. Not a circus monkey or a money maker or a hit back at my ex. It happens too often. Don't tell me it doesn't.

Again. Kids havings kids. Poor thing.

She isn't stoping him from seeing his baby she is saying they can't take the baby to Grandma's house for a few hours or weekend yet and that's reasonable. As a result the son has thrown a tantrum and refused to go see his baby because he doesn't want to be at his ex's place and have her watching him. He has only see the baby 4 times in 6 weeks.

As you said it's unfortunate with children having children and it's the baby that will suffer the consequences.

And OPs response comes across as someone who will cause issues for the young mother, it's all about OP and the access she wants to the baby not what is right for the baby. She missed everyone's point and turned into claims that people don't want her son to see the baby etc.

I would love to hear this young woman’s side of this.

Sorry, you can't take a newborn away from their mother unless they are not safe in her care. Newborn babies need their mothers it's basic biology.

Great he wants to be involved. You'd be better supporting him to make amends with his ex and foster a positive co parenting relationship, than acting as a go between and letting this set up become the norm. The child needs to ALWAYS be the most important person in all of this. Focus your efforts into helping build a positive relationship with the baby's mother. The child will thrive if the parents get on. The child will always know hostility if they don't.

Get the basics right now. And down the line trust will form. He can then look at extending access and formalising agreements gradually as the baby is getting older.

Don't forget they've chosen to bring a child into the world and they are not children themselves. Please don't treat him as such by being the middle man. Make it clear to him that he needs to step up if he wants a good relationship with his child.

How can you claim he has turned up all the time yet he has only seen his baby 4 times in 6 weeks?

absolutely no one prior to your reply said that him wanting to see his child is a bad thing, nor did anyone say you were harassing her.

I had my first daughter at 16, her dads parents insisted they had a right to see her and she was taken away every weekend to spend time with them. I was devastated but didn't feel confident enough to speak up and say I wanted her with me. I wouldn't have dreamed of stopping anyone spending time with her but would absolutely have preferred to be present given the option. I'm sure she'd be happy to catch up on some sleep and your son can hang out with baby in the lounge for the time being? She's close by in case she's needed then.

Baby is only 6 weeks old , it is unreasonable to expect a new mother to hand over baby to you for a few hours at yours at the weekend. I think it's reasonable for the mother to ask you both to go to hers at this time, maybe over time baby can spend time with dad on is own. I'd try and help them bridge the gap for babies sake so things will be easier in the future. You could use a contact centre as a stepping stone. I think it's great that dad wants to be involved and would like 50/50 but don't go all in demanding and expecting, that's when arguments start and it can go horribly wrong. Mum and dad need to work on their differences, be civil and communicate properly so it can go smoothly

Your DS might not like the current arrangement, but while baby is so little it’s not unreasonable for mum to want to be present. I’d support the current visits as much as you can, with a view to building towards time with baby solo in the future.

It doesn't sound like she won't allow access, just that she wants the contact to be at hers and be present.
As it's early days with a newborn, these seem like totally reasonable conditions.
I would work on setting up a schedule of visits that work for all parties, so that contact can be regular and your son and his child can bond. Then when it's appropriate he can ask for a change of venue (maybe a public place) and eventually have the child on his own.

Go to court then

So you only met her twice but that was enough for you to be sure she was only after this 19 year old boy’s money and you fought with your son over this? There isn’t a cat in hell’s chance that this woman doesn’t know you dislike her and think she’s a mercenary little bitch so while it would be entirely reasonable at this point for her not to be parted from her baby in any circumstances, I’m sure she’s going to be extra wary of the baby spending time away from her with you. It sounds like you did your best to alienate your son from her and it is definitely not in the baby’s best interest to have anyone trying to alienate it from its mother, which she must fear you will try to do.

The ideal thing is these situations is for the father to see the baby little and often at either the mothers house or perhaps at her mother’s house or a friends house with the mother present if she feels wary of having him in her house. They would then work up to him spending time in sole charge of the baby in small increments but almost certainly not this early. This is assuming there has been no abuse involved. The father needs to demonstrate consistency during this time if he wants to work up to eventual 50/50. His mummy can’t act as proxy for him.

You will have to be patient at the moment as the main concern is that the baby forms a secure bond with the baby and that both are well, then that the father forms a bond and is safe and confident with the baby. Grandparents’ roles are supportive and if the support isn’t wanted then you just have to wait, you have no rights to the baby.

If the mother doesn’t want you present then your son needs to go alone or not at all. It sounds like far from encouraging them to calm down and work things through amicably you have been inflaming things so it might be a good idea for your son to suggest mediation, which would involve him and the mother, not you. However with a six week old baby this may have to wait for a while.

If I were her or a member of her family, I would be very wary of you and I would be opposed to you spending time with the baby. I would fear you would attempt parental alienation which is very damaging to children and families.

Bravo, you said it better than I did with fewer words and more directly.

Her response is very worrying, she's so oblivious.