Sons Ex wont let him have access to his baby

[LolaJ82]

My son, who is only 19 has had a baby with his ex girlfriend. Its all turned messy and as usual hes asked me to sort things out. They are refusing to speak to each other and I am now the go between, to make matters worse, I don't/didnt know this girl, and before she had my grandson I had met her maybe twice 🤦‍♀️

My son and I fought like cat and dog over this as its apparent that his money (even though he is only 19, he has a really good job) was the main driver, to the point where the baby and the girl wanted for nothing, which for the baby is rightly so.

The issue that we have now is, the baby is 6 weeks old, and my son has seen him approx 4 times. The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house. Now my son, wants to be a good father, and eventually wants 50/50 access to the child, with him staying with us half of the time, now I know that is a way off, he is a new born after all, however, all we are asking for is a few hours at the weekend, to bring him to our home, so that my son can bond with him, and learn how to be a good dad, without the awkwardness of having to sit in her house, with her watching his every move.

So my long winded question is, AIBU to ask for the baby to come to us for a few hours on a weekend?

If money was the driver your son needs to wise up about contraception.

She's already allowing the father access to the baby in her own home. I doubt a court would insist that a six week old baby be taken away from their mum so that the grandmother can do the parenting every weekend.

I've seen this sort of thing play out in reality. My aunt and cousin's family.

They're rich, the girl was 'poor' (not really, just a regular person). My aunt and her feckless son always treated her as a pauper, less than them, bullied her.

The girl eventually dumped him, taking the baby with her. The interfering busybody aunt of mine also huffed and puffed, saying that 'she'll ruin her, take the baby from her' and some such. More smoke than fire, because my useless cousin wasn't that bothered, showing up sporadically to see his daughter, disneying around with bunch of toys and then disappearing for long periods of time.

Aunt did hire a super fancy lawyer 'the best money can buy' and went to court. The girl couldn't afford defense and represented herself. And.. the court saw right through the bullying and intimidation, it was clearly evidenced that the mum is a primary caregiver and she was awarded full custody.

Aunt didn't cease her raging, so the child's mum eventually emigrated to another country, taking her child with her. Court gave her permission, because for all the talking the talk, neither my cousin, nor his bully mother were really interested in the child, didn't see her much, they just wanted to have her, because they can, because they're rich, because child's mother dared to dump my cousin.

So 'shit how lawyer' is not always the answer. Genuine good relationship with the childs mother would be so much better for all.

If your son wants 50/50 custody of this baby at 6w old who is going to be looking after it whilst he’s at his very important very high paying job?

I am guessing that’s you granny? In which case he doesn’t have 50/50 custody. He’s palming the baby off on to you which is not responsible parenting. The baby should be with his mother.

He hasn't had a baby with his ex. She's done all the having a baby.

And do you not remember?

How for the first few months of your own baby's life he was still physically part of you? It's called the fourth trimester for a reason.

Do you not remember how painful it was to have your baby taken away from you, out of your sight?

When you say he wants 50/50 does he have the faintest idea what this even means? Is it really that he wants his ex and YOU to do the 50/50 between you?

Do you both not consider how frightening it must be for her to contemplate the baby going away with a teenage boy and a near stranger?

That's often the way isn't it?

The father gets him mum or a new girlfriend to do the care whilst he works.

The mum struggles to work & pay childcare on her time!

Exactly. The OP says this young woman is motivated by money, well of course, her earning potential is significantly hampered for at least the next 16 years! Meanwhile her DS can continue in his apparently amazing job consequence free with granny day care.

You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable.

The baby is only 6 weeks old. Still an infant. She's not refusing access, she's simply asking for your son to see the baby at her house, which is perfectly reasonable. If he wants to be a good father, he'd see the child at the mother's house.

Absolutely this!!

I am all for fathers having equal rights to their child but it seems that you will be the one who is responsible for the baby.

There is absolutely no need for him to want more access to the child if it means you having to do more.

If he wants more access then that’s great for him and the baby and the mother but he should only go for it if he’s going to be the one looking after the baby and not doing it purely to get one over on the mum.

He chose to have sex and get this girl pregnant and although your support is amazing, he needs to learn how to be a grown up and father.
You being too involved is not going to help him in the long run.

The baby is only six weeks old, too young to be away from mother for a few hours. Give it a bit longer and go and see him at mother's house for now, that is reasonable.

Yup.

And he doesn't even have to help out with childcare fees!

@LolaJ82 "The girl is refusing us access, unless its with her, in her house"

She is not refusing you access, she is setting boundaries which with a 6 week old baby is entirely appropriate. Your son can see the baby, but only in its home surroundings where the baby feels safe and secure and with its mother who is the only person this baby needs at this moment.

I don't think I would have left my baby with my own mother on her own at that age.

You can't ask a mother to be separate from a 6 week old baby, sorry. That would be distressing for both mother and baby

you're not listening

Has he made any enquiries at his work re paternity leave? Or will he carry on going to work leaving baby with you?

I note you say 'my grandson'. He is firstly her baby. Then he's their baby. Then far down the list he's your grandson.

Is that what lies behind your own drive for this to happen? A baby - for you?

You are both being unreasonable.

Stop demonising her as being money motivated. She's baby motivated.

Instead of plotting how to take this teen girl's baby from her, step back, stop enabling him to be a mummy's boy, encourage and facilitate your son building an adult and cordial relationship with her, instead of being combative.

Understand the best thing is for him to visit mother and baby in her own safe space. Their relationship might improve if you do that and let him man up.

I would say this is one of those situations where you need to back right off and let him deal with this himself.

Either he will step up and be a good father and have a good relationship with the child’s mother maybe they will even get back together.
Or he will leave the situation and just provide financially for the child.
At that age, neither of those options are bad ones.

How long did he take for paternity leave OP?

What did he do during that period if he only seen the baby once or twice?

Your advice would have been better if you just mentioned it would be distressing for the baby. I think the OP is actually going to think something distressing for the mother would be a positive,

This site will almost always take the mother's side, whatever she does. If she is withholding his rights as a father then he should be withholding a proportion of any financial support he's giving until she allows him a fair access. 4 times in 6 weeks is appalling behaviour towards a father who has been supportive through the pregnancy.

So the poor girl had a baby 6 weeks ago, and you want to take the baby away from her for 'hours at a time'

No! You ARE being UNREASONABLE
Back off, your son can go see his child at her house.

The OP is listening, it's just that the majority are totally biased!

It's his choice because he doesn't want access with Mum there. She's agreeing to access, but he's putting his feelings above having a relationship with his child.

I suspect OP sees herself as playing a big role in the baby's life and wants to be the one modelling to her son how to care for the baby. I wonder how she would have felt if, 19 years ago, her mother-in-law (who she had only met twice) had behaved like that.

It’s not behaviour towards a father, he has seen the baby 4 times, his choice.

He’s stopped seeing the child or communicating with his mother because he can’t have the baby at his own house.

The mother isn’t refusing access.

She’s not refusing access.
she’s offered age appropriate access that is best for the child.
you are trying to find away to ignore the mother’s wishes and get your own way.

i wouldn’t have allowed my kid out of my sight at 6 weeks. It’s hormonal instinct and good for preventing PPD.

it all sounds a bit raw and hyped. You should model calm behaviour for your son and model respecting a woman’s boundaries, especially one who has had to step up and do this essentially as a young single parent. You son already has one relationship breakdown under his belt so be good to teach him emotional intelligence (if you can) So he can think about other people’s emotions ahead of his own wants.

whats best for baby at this age is a happy mother and time with their mother. Father’s role is important but grows in importance as they get older. Don’t try to rubbish that fact to suit your own agendas, if you set good foundations now and support her- you could all grow to have a really happy co parenting life with a happy child.