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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feeling extremely down about SAHM life

63 replies

DonutEnvy · 20/03/2025 14:45

I have 2 under 3’s (had 2 back to back) and right now I am thinking about going back to work 1 day a week self employed.
DH works full time and when I am at home alone with the kids it is so hard to take them both anywhere or book any type of appointment for myself (even a one off hair wash).

My inlaws will baby sit the 1 day I go back to work but they have said they will struggle to watch them for anything else. It is so hard just waiting for them to start nursery in a couple years and having my life on hold.

AIBU feeling like this?

OP posts:

RickiRaccoon · 21/03/2025 13:10

I had 19m between my two. It's relentless, especially with no family help. I put mine in daycare 3d and went back to work when the younger one was 13m mostly just to get a break (but also to keep my career going).

For me it got significantly easier when the younger one turned 2 and started to listen to instructions more. At 2 1/2 the younger one is now toilet training, getting herself dressed some days, we're taking child locks off cupboards -- it feels like a world away from a year ago. Just do what you need to get through the tough part.

PurplGirl · 21/03/2025 13:14

Huge hugs OP. It does get better. You’re in the thick of it atm - the hardest ages and oh so tiring.
Do you want/need to work or is it more tgat you’re looking for some respite? If you mainly want some child-free time, could the grandparents not commit to a a few hours a couple of times per week (or even once per week) so that you can rest, run errands, get out fir a walk alone etc? Would putting them in nursery for a half day be feasible?
If not, I’d try to build in some time in evenings or weekends to have a proper break. Book it in with your husband like a work meeting so he knows he’s got the kids and you’ll be out doing x. Xx

arethereanyleftatall · 21/03/2025 13:15

DonutEnvy · 21/03/2025 13:01

Sorry there’s been an influx of replies and I have a couple of mins every once in a while to sit and reply. I am very grateful for the replies and DH on his days off does take responsibility for them but he also has things going on (his parents are elderly and they constantly have appts he has to take them to) so spare time is limited

Show quote history

But this response doesn’t explain why you seem to automatically be the default parent?

What is the reason that you don’t go to work and your dh be the sahp? Actually, he could tie the two in together with caring for his parents so it would work in that regard.

coxesorangepippin · 21/03/2025 13:16

Just take them to a fenced park, every day, with a massive picnic

coxesorangepippin · 21/03/2025 13:17

You can forget hair appointments at this stage

😂

whichkindof · 21/03/2025 13:18

I know the feeling. Stay at home mom also to two under 3 and it’s so tiring. I love them to pieces but craving rest and alone time.

lessglittermoremud · 21/03/2025 15:00

17 months between my eldest two and baby/toddler groups were my solace.
I made sure we had something in for each day even if it was a park trip.
Lots of baby groups have a nominal fee do not too expensive and i met some really nice people, one who is still a really good friend now.
We ‘baby proofed’ our garden and did a play section with Astro turf, age appropriate outdoor toys, sand pit etc
Once home on a day that wasn’t raining I would set up activities out there, paint brushes with a pot of water to ‘paint’ the patio, giant chalks, a builders tray that is set up small world things. I used to have a little table out there so I could sit and have a cuppa and they would be happily playing out there.
I found by getting them out each day, even if we didn’t go far, meant that the afternoons were easier but it is a contestant juggling act especially if your partner works long hours each day. I used to make sure I would shower before he left for work, or when he got back.
I think it’s normal to feel slightly overwhelmed and exhausted, your win the thick of it at the moment, sending hugs

Original poster

DonutEnvy · 21/03/2025 15:57

aloris · 21/03/2025 13:10

Being a SAHM can be difficult, depending on the circumstances. High energy kids can certainly make it harder. But what I'm hearing you say is that your husband gives as much help as he can, but it's not a lot of help because his parents are elderly and he has to spend a lot of his spare time doing things like taking them to appointments. I think that in this case, then he needs to be willing to do whatever is necessary to ensure some of the family resources are dedicated to YOUR needs. Why is his spare time being spent on his parents appointments while you struggle to figure out how to get to your own dentist appointments? His parents are being prioritized over his wife (you) in how the family resources are being distributed.

Just to give you another viewpoint, I know several families with stay-at-home dads (SAHDs). In each of those families, either a babysitter was hired or the children were in part-time childcare so that the dad could have a weekday off each week.

Isn't that interesting? When it's a SAHD who is at home with the children, there's an awareness that he needs some amount of daytime free of childcare obligations. Whether that's to go hiking (what one of the dads would do with his day off) or to go to the dentist.

I don't see any reason you can't do this. It doesn't have to be your in-laws doing the babysitting. If your husband acknowledges that you are an important part of the family and your wellbeing is important, then you could hire a babysitter for one day per week so you could go to the dentist, or even get (shock!) a haircut.

Edited

That is SO true. Even thinking about it if my husband became a SAHD and asked for 1 day a week where he can do his own thing so the kids needed childcare I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid as I’d appreciate everything he’d be doing anyway for the household/ kids.

So it is looked at different for SAHM’s. You are all right- if I want change I need to implement it and look at if I really need to work or if I can use the babysitting time for me time. And ask DH to carve out time for me to get my things done too.

OP posts:

Stressedoutforever · 21/03/2025 16:22

I had 2 under 3 (back to back) and found two days a week was perfect, I'm out the house and my career is still going

User415373 · 21/03/2025 16:25

Why can't you put them in nursery? Children from 9 months get 30 hours from September and your income will help towards the cost. I had 2 under 2 and aside from mat leave I would have really struggled with it every day. It's a slog!

Sosoftandfluffycat · 21/03/2025 18:03

I think you'd really benefit from joining some mum and toddler groups. The friends you make are a lifesaver. You can all visit each others houses so everyone has a chance to get out a bit and the kids play together while you have a grown up chat. It made a world of difference to me. Also they'll soon be able to go to playgroup to give you a few spare hours. Or look into a childminder or nursery once a week even if you don't get a job. It'll be time for you. This time will soon pass so hang on.

Caravaggiouch · 21/03/2025 18:08

You’re in no way unreasonable for wanting to go back to work or for wanting more time to yourself, but most working parents don’t have time to go and get their hair done in the week either - when their children are in childcare they’re at work!

Sosoftandfluffycat · 21/03/2025 18:18

Caravaggiouch · 21/03/2025 18:08

Very true, working parents have just as much trouble trying to fit in appointments etc as SAHP. Its all rush rush rush

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