Feeling extremely down about SAHM life

[DonutEnvy]

I have 2 under 3’s (had 2 back to back) and right now I am thinking about going back to work 1 day a week self employed.
DH works full time and when I am at home alone with the kids it is so hard to take them both anywhere or book any type of appointment for myself (even a one off hair wash).

My inlaws will baby sit the 1 day I go back to work but they have said they will struggle to watch them for anything else. It is so hard just waiting for them to start nursery in a couple years and having my life on hold.

AIBU feeling like this?

And we are all different - I honestly loathed the few periods where I didn’t work at all.

This isn’t about a hair appointment. @DonutEnvy is in the thick of the most difficult part of parenting and has 2 tiny children taking over her life.

You say it’s hard getting them both out but as it gets warmer and lighter I strongly suggest you do just that and find a routine, activities locally and build a network of people in a similar situation.

I hope going back to work is a success and you can gradually build up to more. It feels endless now but it’s not. Do try and carve some time each day for yourself and a decent chunk of time at least once a week. Lots of women give up their hobbies and social life while the men sacrifice much less. Just keep an eye on keeping it fair.

How old are they? There's 20 months between my two children, I've been a SAHM for nearly 3 years since my youngest was born. It was difficult getting out with a newborn and toddler but I got used to putting baby in a carrier so I could have my hands free to help my toddler. It gets easier as they get a little older and I do love the small age gap now as they generally get on and play together really well.

Since my eldest was 3 he did 15 hrs at the nursery attached to his primary school (he's now in reception) and youngest is about to start the same nursery so I'll finally have a bit of time for myself during the week. Can your eldest get 15 hrs funded childcare soon?

Why don’t you work part time? It isn’t all or nothing. What age are you waiting for them to be able to start nursery? Both of mine went before they were a year old. Yes you have to pay but there are various schemes that help with the costs.

Could you put them both into nursery one day a week now? Or alternate the day so you have one on one time with each child? Even half a day. Is the cost an issue which is why you are looking toward to the free childcare?

I became a sahm when DC1 was a toddler having worked part time. I still kept them in nursery one day a week to be able to blitz the house, food shop and have some me time.

If you can afford it, do it. There is no medal for enduring it when it is very hard and relentless.

I don’t understand the hair thing. Wash your own hair or go to hairdressers when DH is around?

I worked part time, three evenings and all day Saturday doing customer service for a big company. It wasn’t brilliant pay, but no childcare costs and I got to go to the loo on my own!

Or do you have one of these utterly useless husbands who can’t cope with his own children for more than five minutes?

Thank you so much for this and for everyone for your replies!
You are right it isn’t about a hair appointment if I have to cancel those out it’s fine - it was just an example that something as simple as that or as a dental appt etc is so difficult to do because the little ones (1 and 2) are so high maintenance and I get very intimidated handling them alone outside.

Its true I do need to make sure I carve some time out for myself otherwise my mental health will continue to deteriorate

Op I also massively struggled with one and then two with a decent age gap and I had no family help at all and no money for a nursery if I could have had just one day or one afternoon in the week that would have helped massively.

I'm loving the comments you back to work it's easier 😂😂 and what about the dc? Easier for them in an institutional setting around people at work rather than a parent??
Is this what we are at, it's too hard being a parent so just put them all week into a nursery because work is easier? I know many don't get a choice etc but if you do why have dc?

Op I think a ballance is far easier, a few breaks here and there, also read up about early developments, I wish I had known far more about it when I had mine. I knew a shallow amount but have since done early years courses.
Because that time you feel nothing much is happening but it's hard hard gruelling work, so much is going on for them

Op this also isn't a kind country to mums and babies instead of a help out attitude it's very judgemental.

When I was at home with my twin DC pre-nursery, I just had to suck it up and go around looking like Hagrid.
Seriously, though, for stuff like hair, I did it myself or paid someone to come to mine. Medical appts, they had to come with me. When I was in hospital overnight, I had to pay someone to be with them.
It's not ideal, but it doesn't last forever.

Does your local shopping centre and hairdressers have late opening times on Thursdays, if so that’s an option for a getting a bit of time to yourself?

Plus make sure you claim some time for yourself at the weekend and don’t get into the trap of doing every bedtime.

I chose to work a couple of evenings and I used my salary to pay for nursery for a few mornings. Is something like this an option for you?

Why don’t the GPs look after them when you want to go to the hairdresser? Why do you have to go back to work to get them to help out?

With two very young children, I think it is a tough time whether you're working or at home. It is really important you get downtime. does your DH take them on in the evenings or weekends so that you can get a break? Or are you doing the "SAHM is my job but of course my job is therefore 24/7 while he works 37 hours per week and then needs a break?"

If you can go back to work part time and put the DC in nursery, and you think that would help you, go for it. Or put one or both of them for a few hours a week to give yourself a break.

OP there are mobile hairdressers who will come to your house.

Being a SAHM to 2 little ones is hard work. You need to have a routine - breakfast, washing dressing and out for a walk (park, woods etc) or toddler groups where you can meet up with other mums. Home for lunch, play time (get them out in the garden if the weather is dry) then nap time. Bit of tv or play while you make dinner, have dinner then start to wind down for the day. I always let mine have a long time playing and splashing about in the bath with their toys, then pj's, drinks, teeth brushing and cuddle up in bed with stories. If you can get them to bed by 7/7.30 you can have a few hours to yourself in the evening.

If you can make a couple of mum friends you can meet up with or have round for coffee it makes such a difference to have some adult company and conversation. Those mum friends were my saviours during those early years! Having a night out every couple of months helped too.

So this is a issue where your not a confident parent then?
Do some online parenting classes, or in person evening parenting classes.
And start taking your kids to the park etc; it's really not hard - I had 3 under 4 was a single mum with no family help at all do you think me and others like me just wallowed in misery?

Would your in-laws not have them for an hour while you go to your hair appointment?

Get a grip! When I had my third child, my first was 3 years and 7 weeks old. I didn’t have the luxury of help from relatives either. But you get through it. I used to take the kids to my dentist and doctor appointments, a mobile hairdresser visited me. We didn’t have online food shopping either so did that when the oldest went to playgroup. I also worked at Tesco 3 evenings a week and Sundays. Yes it is overwhelming and very hard work but I wouldn’t have done it differently.

It's the hardest time. But it really won't last forever. Try to create structure to your days. I used to take DC out twice a day every day, just so we didn't get stir crazy, to keep the house reasonably tidy and to get some company. Once every day was a planned event - soft play, church playgroup, mums and toddlers coffee morning, toddler music or tumbletots. And once a day doing our own thing - going to the park, to the supermarket, city farm, or just for a ride on a train or bus to see the world. It might sound tiring, but once you have a bag packed for any emergency and a few snacks, it's way less stressful that being stuck at home trying to keep them occupied.

Then they watched tv while I made tea. After tea we'd play then both and bed.

Keep adult dinners very easy: traybakes, pasta with simple sauce, the occasional healthy-ish ready meal, straight from the freezer.

Tell DH you need a few hours each week or you'll go insane. Get him to look after them for a 4 hour block of time every weekend while you get hair done, go to the gym, see child-free friends, go shopping, update your CV or lie somewhere sunny and read.

Soon they'll both be at nursery and you can go back to work.

Thank you all for your very helpful replies!

In reply to this- confident parent?
I don’t need any parenting classes thank you- my whole life revolves around making sure my kids are thriving- and that’s probably why I am so down because I’m giving all of me to them. It is intimidating taking them outdoors because they are 2 very active and impatient boys (1and a half and 2 and a half) who do not want to be still in a pram or other setting for long.
I just wanted some reassurance that it’s normal and this time will pass as others have said. I am still trying everyday to keep them entertained I’m not sat “wallowing”, but thank you for taking the time out for your reply anyway.

You have as much right to work as your husband does, and he has as much responsibility for the care of your children as you do. You have fallen into the trap of seeing him as the default worker and you as the default child carer and that it's your place to fit your work around childcare, when thats for both of you to do. Sit down with him and tell him what you want to do in terms of paid work and together come up with a way to make that happen. You don't need to come up with the solution by yourself, they're his children too.

You are only responding to that one poster. wht aout all the others who are asking you if your DH ever takes them so you can get some downtimes? Or suggesting options to make life a bit easier?

I personally would bank that GP time for you time and date night's and not for work cover if they won't help more. (Not that GP help is a given).

I have no help and work full time and did nursery thing. I had to work for financial reasons, and to feel like myself.

This is just a season. You can change it though. You don't have to be a SAHM just because you are now. And with the 15 free hours or 30 free hours you can get more help and work more and get more balance than you have now.

Husband/partner needs to parent to let you have self care even if that a one of wash/head massage every so often.

Communicate your needs. You are not a bad mum or partner or person for finding this hard. If you need it to change, change it. :)
You got this x

Sorry there’s been an influx of replies and I have a couple of mins every once in a while to sit and reply. I am very grateful for the replies and DH on his days off does take responsibility for them but he also has things going on (his parents are elderly and they constantly have appts he has to take them to) so spare time is limited

It will absolutely pass. As they get more independent they'll pay with each other a bit more and give you some breathing room.
Yous till need to run those energetic boys like puppies though

Be kind to yourself. It does get easier, the challenge changes, and it is relentless right now (you're not alone, it's like that for all of use)

Surviving is fine :)

Being a SAHM can be difficult, depending on the circumstances. High energy kids can certainly make it harder. But what I'm hearing you say is that your husband gives as much help as he can, but it's not a lot of help because his parents are elderly and he has to spend a lot of his spare time doing things like taking them to appointments. I think that in this case, then he needs to be willing to do whatever is necessary to ensure some of the family resources are dedicated to YOUR needs. Why is his spare time being spent on his parents appointments while you struggle to figure out how to get to your own dentist appointments? His parents are being prioritized over his wife (you) in how the family resources are being distributed.

Just to give you another viewpoint, I know several families with stay-at-home dads (SAHDs). In each of those families, either a babysitter was hired or the children were in part-time childcare so that the dad could have a weekday off each week.

Isn't that interesting? When it's a SAHD who is at home with the children, there's an awareness that he needs some amount of daytime free of childcare obligations. Whether that's to go hiking (what one of the dads would do with his day off) or to go to the dentist.

I don't see any reason you can't do this. It doesn't have to be your in-laws doing the babysitting. If your husband acknowledges that you are an important part of the family and your wellbeing is important, then you could hire a babysitter for one day per week so you could go to the dentist, or even get (shock!) a haircut.