To get frustrated at family staying and using my home like they own it?

[bonnemaman1990]

I come from a large family, lots of siblings, nieces and nephews. I am lucky to own a large house with spare bedrooms (live very rurally in a cheap area).

My house then is always the house that everyone comes to. I love seeing my family and enjoy their company. However this often involves prolonged stays for distance reasons and accommodating two or three families plus grandparents simultaneously. My family very much make themselves at home - they will cook, help themselves, throw their shoes and coats off and go for it from there- it’s party time. My nieces and nephews are various ages and will be in and out doing whatever they want (all very nice and well behaved children but like to make a muddy mess) .

I am this increasingly jarring. There’s early risers and night owls in the group so it all go from 5:30 to past midnight. I spend my whole time babysitting, finding things that people need, cleaning constantly, doing dishes, finding my washing machine/tumble on the go, tripping over muddy shoes left everywhere (and I mean anywhere), problem solving while the adults gets social and drunk and the kids run wild. My family are extremely forthright and will openly call me uptight but someone has to stop it descending into carnage. I’m not sure one family in particular would find someone else willing to accommodate them as they the most inconsiderate house guests I’ve ever come across.

I work full time and because they stay for extended periods I am often juggling work while they are here. I have four children and a dog so I’m used to chaos and mess but find my family next level inconsiderate.

It is difficult to say anything as they’ll easily take offence, for example if I tick off my nephew for repeatedly doing something irritating they call me out so I just shut up. This makes it harder to set boundaries as I want them to feel welcome here and I do want to see them.

I would really value any tips on coping with this with a smile on my face and being able to relax into it and embrace it.

Next time they organise something, just say no to it being at yours

No is a one word sentence. You don't have to put up with this.

Next time they all try to descend on you say "no, we're not doing it like that again, it's too exhausting".

People who "call you out" for setting perfectly reasonable boundaries are abusive fuckers (or their parents are for allowing it).

If they only love you when you are a subservient doormat, I'm afraid they don't actually love you.

Read Mel Robbins book ‘Let them’ and learn from her how to say no.

DH is from this kind of family - I really don’t know how people survive it. He survived by moving far away to a city with a ‘small’ (to my in laws) house so we don’t get lumbered but my poor SIL is like you (I don’t descend on her because I would hate someone to do that to me, but the rest of DH’s family do!).

You sound amazing and I’m sure you have created fabulous memories for your family but you really need to call a family meeting and set boundaries.

You sound absolutely lovely and while I'm sure you love all your family dearly, they are taking the piss.
I would suggest stepping back from hosting for a while. Doesn't have to be a big deal or a dramatic statement- you're too tired this time, having some work done on the house, dates don't suit... just extend your hosting-free time incrementally while you get some space and distance from them and regroup.
Then think about it - do you miss them? How can you do it differently? What new boundaries do you want in place before you resume?
I think there's probably enough love and goodwill on both sides to change this. But you must change it before the resentment builds up and blows things big time.
Good luck. 🌻

Stop inviting these people. It's a lot easier to cease having them in the house than to change their behaviour once they are there. If they are offended, tough.

I would love the visits but I would make a list of house rules:

• Every family buy groceries once a week
• Roster for cooking
• Roster for daily cleaning

Of course, they shouldn't make noise the early risers or the people who sleep late.

If they don't want to follow your rules then it's fine to go.

It's all of their turns to host for the next few decades. Don't invite them to your house, if they invite themselves just decline.

Get your big girl boots on and start setting boundaries. If they get offended, that’s their problem, and if they don’t like what you say, they can find somewhere ended to stay. Must towns have travel lodges/premier inns etc nowadays…

Why should you keep them happy, when they’re not keeping you happy?

Set your boundary, it's perfectly reasonable, and then let them feel whatever they feel about it. There are definite elements of codependency/people pleasing in what you've posted. You're trying to control their feelings and make them like you and hurting yourself in the process.

If they want to sulk, that's their choice. It's fine. It's just sulking.
If your nephews call them out, tell them it's your house and they're being rude, and let them feel bad about it. It's fine. They can cope with feeling a bit ashamed of themselves, can't they?
It's OK to tell them you're unhappy about the mess. It's OK for them to not like it.
They aren't bothered about your feelings. Maybe you should be less bothered about theirs.

Don't be afraid to state your boundaries. It's OK. It really is. And it's important for your wellbeing. Otherwise this will just go on and on and you will get more and more resentful.

How to relax and embrace it? In the nicest possible way, fuck that! They are not respecting you or your home and there is nothing uptight about feeling unhappy about that! This is YOUR HOUSE! You call the shots. Tell the messy inconsiderate buggers where to go!

Ideally, you'd put down ground rules from early on. It's hard to break habits, but not impossible. Here are my suggestions -

Chores rota

Ask them to bring their own bedding / lasagne for Fri dinner

Be a bit less available when they want to visit

Ask guests to empty dishwasher and clean

If you find crap lying around and it's in your way, "tidy" it away into supermarket bags for life, so it's out your way and just a bit inconvenient for them

Key tip = don't be a martyr. Learn to feel comfortable standing up for yourself

it is your house!
why are they treating you like a doormat?
be firm
if they dont like it they can lump it, and find some other mug

F this. Invite yourself to theirs. Why do they all descend at once? I’d be making myself unavailable ongoing

I would really set some ground rules before you agree to anyone coming next time. People need to be doing their own dishes, be considerate and pick after themselves, be quiet before or after a certain time....whatever you deem suitable. Tell them you'd love to have them and you enjoy them staying over but things are getting out of hand and they would really help you out by doing this, this, and this. If they are quite direct and outspoken, then you need to be too.

I think it's lovely that your family loves visiting and they feel at home in your house. Its nice to see relatives wanting to spend time with each other, but they should be treating your house with respect. Set some ground rules and stand your ground in a loving but firm way. This doesn't need to be a huge deal.

Thank you all so much for replies so far. I value every comment.

Not having them round is not an option- I have the space and for various reasons other family members can’t host (health difficulties, small houses and some family coming from abroad). It does make sense to congregate at ours.

I have definitely let bad habits sneak in and set a precedent. Making excuses like better keeping the peace, it’s for a short time, it’s me being uptight. I once made a comment that my relative made no effort to keep his young child quiet early in the morning and kept waking everyone up and it caused a big row and I decided then it’s not worth saying anything.

Please don’t think they’re abusive etc- they’re my family and they’re not perfect but we all love each other and get along.

I love the tip about the bags for life and putting all their stuff in one for them to sort. The first thing that happens is that any empty surface instantly has crap dumped on it.

please keep replying- it’s helpful.

Presumably these are planned visits, if they’re coming from some distance away? What happens if you say “No, we can’t have you that weekend, we’ve got other plans”?

Personally I’d move to a smaller house but that is just me !

when you don’t have any visitors write up a list of ground rules. Rotas, where coats live, who needs to buy what food, what time people can get up and be noisy.

cut and paste into ChatGPT and ask it make the rules succinct and non aggressively worded.

refine until you have some lovely house rules.

send around to your family saying ‘these are my expectations, no worries if you don’t want to keep to them, here is a link to air b and b.

print them and stick them to your fridge

ignore any comments about the rules, just say ‘if you don’t like it, then you don’t have to come here’ and smile beautifully.

you are being a doormat and people are being rude to you. Don’t let them !

Yes they’re planned as they involve long haul flights, so often ends up being a week/fortnight sometime longer.

i could handle anything if it was just a weekend here or there!

Time to say it’s becoming too much with working full time and hosting. It sounds like you do still want family to come but in order for that to continue you will need to set some ground rules:
Chores and cooking rota
No leaving stuff around in common areas
Quiet times
And above all: it’s your house so what you say goes!

If other people don’t like that then they can find other accommodation. Don’t be a doormat!

They are using and abusing your good nature, your people pleaser side

Stand firm on your house rules, if they dont like it, theres the door
Yes they are family, but they also have to show you respect as a guest in your house. They dont have any ownership to it just cos your related or traveled long haul

Id get petty AF and buy paper cups and plates, throw away cutlery since they dont want to help with basic group living stuff like dishes
Muddy shoes thrown outside
Kitchen is closed until xyz time, tv is not to go on before xyz time and hide remotes so early risers have no real excuse to get up - turn off rule when its time for house to get quiet
Your not the default babysitter - say no if you have other plans or its too much or say fine pay me
They chip in for food or just you feed your kids and you

Disrespect plus using and abusing our good nature in our home is part reason we went NC with MIL only a week ago.

I'll go against the grain here and say if you value your family being around you may have to suck up the inconvenience. It is tiring and annoying but perhaps the price you pay for a family that loves you and wants to see you? Trying to institute rules can be more hassle than it's worth - you spend so much time worrying about them and enforcing them that nothing is gained. Perhaps just accept there will be chaos for a certain amount of time and just enjoy their presence? At some point people will stop coming, due to life changes and death. It's at that point you may miss their muddy boots and their early morning noise.

If that seems too unbearable, is there someone whose help you can enlist - someone who you can talk to about the stress of hosting who could maybe help you out? They could subtly remind people to tidy.

One thing I would lay down the law on is babysitting - it isn't acceptable for people to get drunk and expect you to parent for them.

The comment that struck me OP was when you said they come through the door and “it’s party time”.

This is really the crux of the problem.

They arrive in holiday mode and view your house like a rented AirB&B, complete with catering, maid and baby siting services included.

Which is why you are “uptight” when you are not in the same “zone” as them.

The thing is, it’s not a holiday rental. It’s your home and you are not their personal skivvy whilst also working/parenting your own children.

To a degree you have made a rod for your own back by not pushing back sooner, so it’s well overdue to spell out some home truths and ground rules.

As a start point I think you need to think about what you are prepared to “offer” in respect of these visits and importantly what you are not.

So for example, a place to stay, access to laundry facilities, use of the kitchen etc is all fine.

What you will not be doing is buying food for them for two weeks, baby sitting, running around tidying up after them.

It is perfectly reasonable to say that whilst you want them to visit, you can no longer manage their expectations and that something has to give.

That means them re-setting their perception of what staying with you means - it’s not a holiday let and if that’s what they want then they need to book that for some or all of their visit.

Staying with you means respecting your home and the fact that you are NOT on holiday, nor are you there to facilitate their vacation.

In practical terms that means keeping the house tidy on a day to day basis. Keeping belongings in their rooms and not dumped everywhere. Coats/shoes put away. Washing their bed linen and making beds before they leave.

Buying their own food (and frankly in their position I’d be cooking for you as a thanks for letting me stay, especially if you are working).

Finally, no baby sitting and being respectful around morning/bedtimes especially during the week when people are working.

You need to break the habit they (and you) have fallen into. Staying at someone’s home and being “on holiday” are actually very different propositions and they need to be reminded of that.

Time to just stop inviting them/ say no when they invite themselves/ only have a small group (2-4) off people at a time for a duration that suits you. You need to make it clear that this is your house and you have a job. If they want a holiday they book a holiday home. If they get huffy then they are selfish people who were just using you. People who only like you when you do things their way are people you are better without, or seeing less of if they are extended family.

We have this to a degree as I have US relatives and live in a desirable part of UK plus they come to visit my aging DPs.

I am afraid I don't really know what the answer is as I too would love to be relaxed and hospitable for extended visits, but instead become a seething mass of resentment, counting down the nights until they leave.

Can you try to impose some really basic house rules ? Shoes off at the front door, no noise before 7 or after 10. Get a bit more thick skinned ? If your nephew was doing something in your house that warranted a telling off, then go ahead and do it. It sounds like your relatives are relaxing and enjoying themselves which is great, but they should recognise that this is a lot of work for you.

Or can you get DP/DH to play bad cop. DH has put his foot down for more than a couple of nights together with some particularly tricky visitors.