To get frustrated at family staying and using my home like they own it?

[bonnemaman1990]

I come from a large family, lots of siblings, nieces and nephews. I am lucky to own a large house with spare bedrooms (live very rurally in a cheap area).

My house then is always the house that everyone comes to. I love seeing my family and enjoy their company. However this often involves prolonged stays for distance reasons and accommodating two or three families plus grandparents simultaneously. My family very much make themselves at home - they will cook, help themselves, throw their shoes and coats off and go for it from there- it’s party time. My nieces and nephews are various ages and will be in and out doing whatever they want (all very nice and well behaved children but like to make a muddy mess) .

I am this increasingly jarring. There’s early risers and night owls in the group so it all go from 5:30 to past midnight. I spend my whole time babysitting, finding things that people need, cleaning constantly, doing dishes, finding my washing machine/tumble on the go, tripping over muddy shoes left everywhere (and I mean anywhere), problem solving while the adults gets social and drunk and the kids run wild. My family are extremely forthright and will openly call me uptight but someone has to stop it descending into carnage. I’m not sure one family in particular would find someone else willing to accommodate them as they the most inconsiderate house guests I’ve ever come across.

I work full time and because they stay for extended periods I am often juggling work while they are here. I have four children and a dog so I’m used to chaos and mess but find my family next level inconsiderate.

It is difficult to say anything as they’ll easily take offence, for example if I tick off my nephew for repeatedly doing something irritating they call me out so I just shut up. This makes it harder to set boundaries as I want them to feel welcome here and I do want to see them.

I would really value any tips on coping with this with a smile on my face and being able to relax into it and embrace it.

@BreadInCaptivity I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you say they are in holiday mode. I have the kids going to school/clubs, work and this time the extra joy of GCSEs to juggle with a bunch of people who are cracking open the wine and settling in for a late one.

@rookiemere you have made me laugh with your comment about seething mass of resentment and counting down the nights - that’s exactly how I feel.

Part of this is I want to relax and enjoy it as @MoMhathair has said - this time is precious so relax with a ‘can’t beat em join em’ mentality. this seems inordinately difficult when my normal life is pretty busy on top of hosting my chaotic family

If these relatives have the money for long air flights then how come there is no money for a hotel? What would they do if you had no spare rooms? What would happen if you suggested that they booked holiday accommodation next time and you can meet up together? They save a bit of money and you get annoyed and stressed.

You need to discuss this with them. It’s understandable that they are in holiday mode but you are in work and life mode and this is your home. If they come for 2 weeks they can do hotel stay and have two weekends staying at yours with everyone, but realistically having so many people there at once for the entire time while you’re working is not fair or reasonable.

You also have to do so much because everyone is enjoying themselves and you’re exhausted. So. You either need to limit the time they are at yours, they can take turns, or they can be on much better behaviour and not treat your home like a hotel.

I still think having them stay at a hotel for the majority with set times they do stay at yours. IE - everyone is welcome to stay for 5 set days and in those days you will host and do everything as a family. The rest of the time they have to find their own accommodation and take care of themselves.

If they call you out, call them back out. ‘I said no. It’s too exhausting’
‘are you a toddler, stop sulking’

I have the kids going to school/clubs, work and this time the extra joy of GCSEs to juggle with a bunch of people who are cracking open the wine and settling in for a late one.

if you can't say no for you surely you can say no for kid going though exams for some period of time.

Tell them to get an air b and b - or hotel room - at very least till exams are done. If you've asked and they can't be considerate - then don't host.

“I have definitely let bad habits sneak in and set a precedent.”

Its ok to say “…look you’re welcome to come on x date but all the hosting is getting too much now what with x, y, z going on and I’m going to have to ask you to pitch in when you’re here. Earn you keep so to speak (tinkly laugh)… You’ll need to reign devil child in because we can’t have half the household up. Emma and Sam are doing gcse work and they need their sleep. And I can’t do all the cooking and shopping, people will have to help. Ok? We love having you but it’s all getting too much now…”

they absolutely don't give a shit about their behaviour or about your GCSE child.

Please stand up to them for your kid's sake.

We had visitors who arrived weekly on school nights. It was so disruptive. They didn't even appreciate it.

Do they even contribute to the cost of feeding several families.. Are you cooking for them all the time too?

Stop pandering to these freeloaders. Just say "I'd love to see you all but you can't stay here any more. I cannot afford the high cost of paying for you all for several weeks. I am working full time with four kids and its too exhausting to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning or babysitting for several other familes on top of work. I've been very generous so far, but its become too much and I am not willing to do this in future. Also if I politely ask a visiting child not to do something IN MY HOUSE, I don't want to be chastised by his parents!
Here's a list of local B and Bs. Love OP,.

“Not having them round” is an option you know. You can set firm boundaries that suit you and your DC. They come first. The rest of your family sound like that they are taking advantage of your good nature. Learn to say no. Don’t worry about the fall out - your needs trump theirs.

I think you are being unrealistic in thinking you can (or anybody could) just chill out and enjoy this.

Its just not possible.

The fact is you (and your kids) have too much on your plate already without hosting the family hoard who are “on holiday”.

They are NOT visiting you. They are using your home like a holiday home and you are their personal housekeeper/childcare.

Thats not what people do when visiting relatives.

When my family congregate at my home (similar situation re: space) they all pitch in and do everything they can to make their visit not just enjoyable for them but for me also.

I think your family have lost sight of the fact that they have as much responsibility to you to make their stay enjoyable and pleasant as you feel you do for them.

It’s a very one sided and unfair arrangement where you are also being gaslighted into thinking you are being “uptight” and unreasonable about them behaving really inconsiderately.

I think a pp’s suggestion is good, especially as you are in GCSE season to use this as a catalyst for change.

Yes they can visit, but not for weeks. They can come at the weekends but need to book accommodation elsewhere during the working week.

I think you also need to reflect on the fact that whilst you may love your family they aren’t treating you very kindly at all.

Why are they visiting? Is it at holiday times or for special occasions? Is it just assumed you will host them. There was a thread on here at Christmas where someone broke the hosting cycle by booking a holiday at Christmas.

Why did it cause a row when you asked the family member to keep their kid quiet? Did they think they should be allowed to disturb people?

I think we were all sleep deprived as out children were younger. My relative decided to let their partner sleep and took the child to a part of the house that woke everyone else up. Cue lots of grumpy children. I commented that he’d woken me up and it didn’t go down well and as my family are very conflict avoidant it seems to have gone down in family lore as ‘that time we had an argument’

the relatives from abroad base themselves at my house and and the rest of the family want to see them. They like to stay with family so we get more time together.

They sound very ungrateful and quite rude particularly when they are calling you uptight. Do they contribute financially or do you pay for everything?

They are all taking you and your hospitality for granted. Do they ever do anything nice for you and your family or is it all very one-sided?

So if they wake the whole house up ( on a work /school day too) and you dare to say to them that you don't appreciate it... you are starting arguments.

Seriously. They are taking the absolute mick.

what’s interesting is your family have fallen into this idea that the only way you can socialise as a family is via a big house party, no one else has a house big enough to host a house party that everyone can join, so it’s down to you.

Is there really no one else with a guest room, or space if dcs camp on the living room floor for a couple of nights?

even if overseas guests have to be split between two houses, could it be done that it’s not your house for the meet ups? Or hiring a airBNB, If then you can’t all fit in one house for a meal, plan to meet up out- pub lunch, walk together at a national trust place etc.

id use the forthcoming GCSEs as a good break - you can’t host until after the exams. Can someone else please take a turn and you will visit when you can.

say you are decorating so not available - for about 3 years

Do you have a family WhatsApp group or similar? Once they leave if they are at yours or when they start planning their next trip, send a group message with house rules- what’s allowed, what isn’t, quiet hours and reiterate that while they are on holiday, your family is still in a school / work routine and if anyone has a problem they should seek alternative accommodation. Might give some of them a wobble. A cleaning schedule is also a must.

By conflict avoidant it seems that your family mean that they can behave as selfishly and inconsiderately as they want and you are the bad guy if you even mention it.

Pull together a list of house rules and share it with them now

so shoes go xxx
You wash up and clean the kitchen after use, strip beds when you leave
etc etc

and say you are not being uptight, but it’s your home and you want to be able to enjoy it as well rather than run round after everyone

if they won’t accept the rules they don’t come again

yup! And respecting everyone needs chance to rest especially as you are still working through their visit! Keeping things quiet until a certain time if morning is very reasonable. As is not causing a ruckus very late at night.

@bonnemaman1990 sorry but fuck them!! they are all treating your house like a hotel and you as the unpaid help!! the overseas visitors need to go to a hotel for a change!!

I got a headache just reading your post, I don't know how you do it, it would drive me insane. The only thing I can suggest is to reduce the frequency of these visits. Once a year, preferably when you're not working, sounds about right.

Feeling a bit sorry for your kids really having such disruption. Maybe they feel thier home isn't really their home or do they enjoy these visits?

OP I’m a bit similar to you, large house and rural live a few hundred miles from family/ friends. I often get visits for a few days and host several people at the same time but for a week or more…just no! I’m very lucky in that my circle are all respectful and will pitch in with cleaning/ hoovering off their own back. Somehow boundaries definitely need to be established….a large list of house rules pinned up on the door… maybe a reward chart for any younger visitors? Cooking / clearing up rota? Kitty for drinks and snacks outwith meal times?
Just gently point out ahead of the next get together that you’re feeling a bit vulnerable atm, pressures of life etc and much as you are embracing their next invasion visit you’ve had to implement a few do’s and don’ts to ensure everyone has a great time and eases the pressure off you slightly…. I know it’s hard when you don’t want any fallouts in your own home and you want people to feel welcome but please, please use any excuse you like but set boundaries.
Good luck!