To get frustrated at family staying and using my home like they own it?

[bonnemaman1990]

I come from a large family, lots of siblings, nieces and nephews. I am lucky to own a large house with spare bedrooms (live very rurally in a cheap area).

My house then is always the house that everyone comes to. I love seeing my family and enjoy their company. However this often involves prolonged stays for distance reasons and accommodating two or three families plus grandparents simultaneously. My family very much make themselves at home - they will cook, help themselves, throw their shoes and coats off and go for it from there- it’s party time. My nieces and nephews are various ages and will be in and out doing whatever they want (all very nice and well behaved children but like to make a muddy mess) .

I am this increasingly jarring. There’s early risers and night owls in the group so it all go from 5:30 to past midnight. I spend my whole time babysitting, finding things that people need, cleaning constantly, doing dishes, finding my washing machine/tumble on the go, tripping over muddy shoes left everywhere (and I mean anywhere), problem solving while the adults gets social and drunk and the kids run wild. My family are extremely forthright and will openly call me uptight but someone has to stop it descending into carnage. I’m not sure one family in particular would find someone else willing to accommodate them as they the most inconsiderate house guests I’ve ever come across.

I work full time and because they stay for extended periods I am often juggling work while they are here. I have four children and a dog so I’m used to chaos and mess but find my family next level inconsiderate.

It is difficult to say anything as they’ll easily take offence, for example if I tick off my nephew for repeatedly doing something irritating they call me out so I just shut up. This makes it harder to set boundaries as I want them to feel welcome here and I do want to see them.

I would really value any tips on coping with this with a smile on my face and being able to relax into it and embrace it.

Bit harsh, I’m here asking for strategies and tips. Also to gauge whether I’m being unreasonable and others would love the chance to host family gatherings. I’ve definitely got the sense that I’m not in the wrong here and am grateful to people to have taken the time to propose alternatives which I’m going to think about e.g. air BnB etc. as well as lots of tips about getting people to be more engaged in help.
Having a bit of a whinge about it has helped too as I can’t exactly talk to family about it!

My MIL finally threw her toys out the pram about hosting at 85. That's been interesting. SIL is 50 going on 15 did step up but her family are the source of 70% of the work. Her family are decidedly pink/blue jobs so whilst the men were getting medals for a single DIY task, all the ladies were multi tasking.

My BIL has a new wife with very firm boundaries, when she hosts we get detailed instructions about what we're expected to bring food and bedding wise. I don't mind. Clearly it costs them in cleaning and some food and yet is also done with a grudging penny pinching undertone. I think one great meal rather than six would be better hosting.

Mostly I think I'm just too old to cope with this malarkey. I want my own bed. BIL has a poor quality holiday let that we've all stayed in twice. It feels wrong critiquing family but it's also a painful, slightly too long stay.

I think ideally I'd like just brief encounters with a smaller number of people. Less.overlap, but more quality time rather than quantity per visit.

My kids would like it if it was shorter, these weekends seem to need a lot of parenting, then debrief.

As you get older, this type of visit will get harder. Regardless of whether they take offence or not, try putting them off at least once so they know your hiuse doesn't have an ooen door policy. I know you enjoy seeing them but they only argue with you when you mention things because they know how to play you. This is not fair on you, you're not running a hotel and these are not paying hotel guests expecting maid service. Set some boundaries and speak up, if it upsets them, it shouldn't be for long if they love and respect you. If not, then your feelings for your family aren't reciprocated.

Personally rather than house rules, I’d be suggesting booking a holiday home for the duration for you all to stay in / visit. If this would be too expensive or otherwise not work, well what would you all do if you lived in a small house too? Whatever the solution would be, do that!

Also, when you say you can’t talk to family about it, why not? I’d be honest that you are not willing to host because people leave your place a tip and you spend the whole time running around after them whilst they take you for granted and it’s a nightmare.

Not having them round is not an option- I have the space and for various reasons other family members can’t host (health difficulties, small houses and some family coming from abroad). It does make sense to congregate at ours

So what's wrong with an AirB&B, so they can sleep at whatever times they want, cook at least some of their own meals and congregate at yours just for the "social" bit?

I was a bit "Hmmm" at reading they're "forthright" but also "easily offended", and unfortunately it's a well worn path with some who expect that directness will only go one way
It doesn't, so in your place I'd get some boundaries in place without delay

I absolutely love the thought of this and being the party/family house. I wish I had that. Don't wreck it.its a precious thing. but people need to pull their weight so tell your siblings how you feel. If people are treating your home like theirs they should pull their weight on the tidying/cooking/shopping front.

Could you say that you really didn't want to worry them before (because you knew that they were the type of people that would worry so much about you) but you have to give in and admit now that you can't cope and hopefully they won't worry too much about too because you would feel so bad about that.

Who pays for these nice little jolly’s? The food the booze the electricity etc not you I hope; what effect is this having on your children? Their school work? Social lives etc & what is it doing to you & your home if your working & then coming home to chaos it must be a living nightmare & the wear & tear on your home the appliances on the go so much etc you need to to learn to say no to people im pretty sure you don’t have welcome tattooed over your forehead & so your not a doormat so stop letting people treat you like one say NO!!

I think I would write everyone an email saying that you love having them but it is exhausting hosting such a large group while also working and in order to continue you would either have to limit it to 3 days or agree some ground rules and job sharing. I would then say that we must agree some ground rules if people are staying - no noise or stuff happening in common areas after 11pm on weekdays or before 7am (or whatever hours you keep) as it is a working household still, a rota for cooking, cleaning dishes, hoovering and general clearing up, shoes off policy in the house etc… Make it clear that while you are hosting that things should be divided in the same way as you would a holiday rental with food bills split and chores shared.

My inlaws are a little grumbly that we invite them for 3 days but invite my relatives and friends for a week - different cultures or upbringing I think as my family and friends pitch in clearing up, doing dishes, eat whatever is going (including left overs or frozen batch cooked meals, take away etc) and we usually eat out at least once. My mum will watch my kid for me and let me get things done so it’s really nice when she visits. His family expect us to make every cup of tea (even when I was trying to breastfeed a small baby), expect home cooked meals every night to their very specific requirements and will not eat any vegetarian food when my partner is veggie so we have to have two meals in for every night! It is exhausting! I love hosting but not when people treat it like a guesthouse and you as staff.

Well if you can’t say no or tell them your boundaries, you’ll just have to carry on as you are? What’s the alternative? Only you can change this.

Not having them round is not an option- I have the space and for various reasons other family members can’t host (health difficulties, small houses and some family coming from abroad). It does make sense to congregate at ours.

You need to change your mindset OP. Not only do your guests sound rude, entitled and exhausting, but they do have other choices. What would be the solution if you lived a tiny flat, I’m sure they would find a hotel or rental property,
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The world won’t end if you say no

I thoroughly recommend the book. It’s brilliant and I’m from a large family. Has really helped.

"you know I love having you, but we're in a different phase of life now, with the kids GCSEs and so on. While you're in holiday mode, we still have to go to work, the kids really have to get stuck into studying, and we will need our sleep. So I'm going to have to introduce some house rules at this point, which I hope you understand..."

Then set your 'no noise after (whatever time)' and keeping the place tidy ("please keep your clutter within your rooms") times etc etc

YABU to think you should embrace this.
YABU to hesitate to upset them.

Tell them all the hotel is closed for business and let them fry.

Excellent!

You need to stop being a doormat and talk to family about this problem.

If these people were even a tiny bit considerate you wouldn't have the problem you've been facing. Asking them nicely to stop turning your home into a pigsty and rein in their children is going to go down badly because frankly, they are incredibly rude and entitled people.

A fortnight! Do they buy you flowers and say thank you?
Why don't you visit them abroad and make yourself at home?

Suggest telling everyone to tidy up before sitting down.

Hide booze. Stop cooking every night. Run out of milk and ask someone to go fetch it. Make them feel its up to them.

Decide 3 things you can't stand. Concentrate on those.

Also shouting ' this isn't a fucking hotel' whilst shoving shoes into bags. Maybe let the dog chew some shoes?

Can you impose cleaning requirements per family per stay. Changing sheets, cleaning bathrooms, doing floors, vacuuming and everything else. I’d lose my mind if it was just a constant free for all when you have capable grownups to take part and help. I can’t help myself and always clean when I’m at someone else’s home. It’s the least you can do.

Keep your doors locked and your curtains closed.

I would have "decorators" or builders in at some point. They do need to stop relying on you so much for free accommodation. Not being able to have an event at yours may help them realise that other places are available and that you help them far too much!

Yes very odd. also that the OP's family are 'conflict averse' but also had a go at OP when she dared question why her nephew had been allowed to wake everyone up unreasonably early.

And I really don't get it when people say, 'X is not an option'. It is an option, but not one op wants to take. then it's more honest to say, I don't want to do X, and explore the reasons why one won't take the option that could make life so much easier.

I don't think there is any coping with this with a smile on your face.
Being forthright is one thing, but calling you uptight when they are using your home as an hotel is just simply damn rude, combined with easily taking offence it is just completely unacceptable.
You have to sit them all down and tell them the ground rules- not using resources (cooking and washing) without asking you ,tidying up after themselves, not leaving stuff about- they are guests not animals, they should act like guests- no getting up and making noise before a reasonable time, no going to bed in the wee hours and making a noise, no getting drunk-that is a perfect recipe for problems.
Whoever says this is uptight- then suggest they host everyone instead, anyone takes offence , the same comment- you host.
You are NOT being uptight this is YOUR home, YOUR sanctuary ,if they can't respect that then they don't respect you-in which case your claims of loving each other are hollow. You need boundaries and you need them now- you cannot be welcoming to people making no effort to be considerate-it's impossible.

But they are abusive. If they are not following reasonable boundaries.