To get frustrated at family staying and using my home like they own it?

[bonnemaman1990]

I come from a large family, lots of siblings, nieces and nephews. I am lucky to own a large house with spare bedrooms (live very rurally in a cheap area).

My house then is always the house that everyone comes to. I love seeing my family and enjoy their company. However this often involves prolonged stays for distance reasons and accommodating two or three families plus grandparents simultaneously. My family very much make themselves at home - they will cook, help themselves, throw their shoes and coats off and go for it from there- it’s party time. My nieces and nephews are various ages and will be in and out doing whatever they want (all very nice and well behaved children but like to make a muddy mess) .

I am this increasingly jarring. There’s early risers and night owls in the group so it all go from 5:30 to past midnight. I spend my whole time babysitting, finding things that people need, cleaning constantly, doing dishes, finding my washing machine/tumble on the go, tripping over muddy shoes left everywhere (and I mean anywhere), problem solving while the adults gets social and drunk and the kids run wild. My family are extremely forthright and will openly call me uptight but someone has to stop it descending into carnage. I’m not sure one family in particular would find someone else willing to accommodate them as they the most inconsiderate house guests I’ve ever come across.

I work full time and because they stay for extended periods I am often juggling work while they are here. I have four children and a dog so I’m used to chaos and mess but find my family next level inconsiderate.

It is difficult to say anything as they’ll easily take offence, for example if I tick off my nephew for repeatedly doing something irritating they call me out so I just shut up. This makes it harder to set boundaries as I want them to feel welcome here and I do want to see them.

I would really value any tips on coping with this with a smile on my face and being able to relax into it and embrace it.

Say "no"! It's very easy.
And change the locks too.

How often does all this happen?

I would certainly be saying no to any visits from now on until the GCSEs are over. Your poor children, does it piss them off as well?

Jeez, OP, just say you can't do it this time and suggest one of them book an AirBnB for you all.

I have given up hosting my ILs en masse, because some of them are expert piss-takers and I just got sick of it. I just started saying no, and DH stopped volunteering to have them.

No, the kids enjoy seeing everyone and strangely my DP loves it too. He carries on as normal going to work but is happy to socialise when he gets back.

turns out I’m the misery guts. Maybe I am uptight!

You've got all these visitors and chaos while your DC has exams and revision??

turns out I’m the misery guts. Maybe I am uptight!

Well if you are, so am I. The whole thing sounds exhausting and a complete piss take to me!

Visitors are like fish - they go off after 3 days! Honestly, I don't know how you do it - a fulltime job, 4 children, a large house, and masses of inconsiderate visitors on top of all that! I would feel like running away. In fact I WOULD run away!

@bonnemaman1990 so who are the relatives coming from abroad? bro or sis or parents? how far have they come that they all need to descend on you!

The problem is that you think that them taking offence is something to be avoided, rather than the intended effect.

Them taking offence will have one of two consequences. Either they'll go away and think about why you're annoyed at them, or they'll just come to stay less. Either way you win.

This sounds like my idea of hell!

I think you need to look at why all of your family are so ungrateful for your hosting them. They don't seem to worry at all about disrupting your household when you have work and school.

Why do they feel entitled to tell you off if you dare to say anything to them. ? Are you the youngest. When they start telling you off in an entitled way, you need to find your internal anger and give a bit of push back... a bit of "how dare you speak to me like that." or "My house, my rules if you don't like it go pay for an hotel." (this will probably seem incredibly rude and out of character for you, but it might just shock them enough to shut them up) Afterall they don't care about being rude and ungrateful to you.
You ought to be able to speak up with out feeling that it will cause a major fall out. Asking for Consideration and good behaviour shouldn't be met with a massive fall out.. Is this a pressure you are aware of.. it might be worth thinking about why that is.. and if that is a way they use to get their own way. As I get older, I've come to think that if people want to get "offended" at a reasonable request - then let them.
I admit it is harder for you as they all seem to do it and you are outnumbered.

Its good that your DH gets on with them, but he needs to be backing you up here and speaking up for you. - who is the "leader".. you should both take them to one side and have a firm chat.

Fuck that OP. Id have the row and fall out me.

Read them the riot act, tell them to parent their kids and clean up after them and if they don't like it they can go home.

I think it’s perfectly fine to be the ‘misery guts’ who sets boundaries in this situation. It sounds awful, I couldn’t handle this.

You have been very patient so far

I spend my whole time babysitting, finding things that people need, cleaning constantly, doing dishes, finding my washing machine/tumble on the go, tripping over muddy shoes left everywhere (and I mean anywhere), problem solving while the adults gets social and drunk and the kids run wild. My family are extremely forthright and will openly call me uptight

They sound fucking awful.

What are the family dynamics growing up that made you the doormat?

I can't even imagine putting up with this even for a day while working, organising my son's life and mine, home, shop, food, dinner, bed, school, socialising, etc. what?!

Tell them all to fuck off and get yourself a fucking fabulous therapist.

would they chip in for a cleaner? Hire a cook, buy LETS COOK for a week? Could you stick some In a Garden room?

"my family are extremely forthright and will openly call me uptight"

@bonnemaman1990 OP, I feel angry for you. You can't be that uptight if your home is homebase to your extended family. This is your home, and you are not a skivvy. Could you go away somewhere for a week just to chill, and send them all a text that you would like your house back to relax in? Do the rest of the clan have a key? If so, I would change the locks and only have visits by invitation only. You sound so nice, how are you at being firm and even angry?

Do you have doormat or mug branded on your forehead?

I have a similar family set up in that we love spending time together and we’re dispersed overseas but there is respect and gratitude -none of this free for all, rude, ungrateful behaviour!

The only behaviour you can change here is yours. Stop being a doormat seething with unexpressed resentment.

So I'm now 50 and run out of energy for this sort of thing.
Local friends don't need to hosting over night and are much more fun, come with less baggage. I was neglecting them, exhausted after extended overnight stays. And we never went away ourselves, it was just stay home and host.
All the novels I read with house parties and extended summers also have an absolute army of staff as part of the house. That is not my life. My friends meet their families at purpose built holiday places or at restaurants.
We're extending and I'm limiting the amount of bedrooms. I don't want to run a boarding house.

Devils advocate though; your family abroad could rent an Airbnb locally for two weeks, no? And people could stay with them, including you?

I suspect it may be more about saving money. Do they pay their way with food and drink etc?

I also end up hosting a lot, which on the one hand I like (seems easier in some regards) and the other hand I hate (mess and chaos).

I think you need to encourage people to leave the house as much as possible. Have a reset time each day, “hey everyone, can we spend the next 20mins getting everything squared away? Right kids, you’re in toy clean up, adults, who can help me with the kitchen?”.

My family always help me keep on top of the house, I’m surprised yours are happy to just sit around letting you do it all, that doesn’t come across as thoughtful or appreciative to me.

YABU. You're complaining but have 0 intention of doing anything about it so you're bringing the misery on yourself at this point.

I wonder if it's the kids normal so they know no different and your DH fine as he thinks it makes you happy?

Honestly - I'd used exams as initial excuse and try and get them to book somewhere - and see if you can set up a new normal.

This basically!! You can’t change their behaviour, you can only change yours.

you dont want to have the difficult conversation with them & you don’t want to tell them to get back in their boxes when they are so incredibly discourteous & rude to you.

I’m not sure how you expect change to happen?

Agree with this.

I would really value any tips on coping with this with a smile on my face and being able to relax into it and embrace it.

No, no, no. Why should you? I am so cross on your behalf.

Your relatives are selfish, inconsiderate and downright rude and ungrateful. If they cannot see for themselves how badly they are behaving maybe they need it pointing out to them.

I think it's time you did lose your rag at them a bit. Something on the lines of "I love you all and like to see you but am utterly fed up to the back teeth of the way you all behave at my house and show no respect or regard for my home and my family."

Isn't there any one in the whole lot of them who has an inkling of how to behave decently and who might weigh in on your behalf?