To get frustrated at family staying and using my home like they own it?

[bonnemaman1990]

I come from a large family, lots of siblings, nieces and nephews. I am lucky to own a large house with spare bedrooms (live very rurally in a cheap area).

My house then is always the house that everyone comes to. I love seeing my family and enjoy their company. However this often involves prolonged stays for distance reasons and accommodating two or three families plus grandparents simultaneously. My family very much make themselves at home - they will cook, help themselves, throw their shoes and coats off and go for it from there- it’s party time. My nieces and nephews are various ages and will be in and out doing whatever they want (all very nice and well behaved children but like to make a muddy mess) .

I am this increasingly jarring. There’s early risers and night owls in the group so it all go from 5:30 to past midnight. I spend my whole time babysitting, finding things that people need, cleaning constantly, doing dishes, finding my washing machine/tumble on the go, tripping over muddy shoes left everywhere (and I mean anywhere), problem solving while the adults gets social and drunk and the kids run wild. My family are extremely forthright and will openly call me uptight but someone has to stop it descending into carnage. I’m not sure one family in particular would find someone else willing to accommodate them as they the most inconsiderate house guests I’ve ever come across.

I work full time and because they stay for extended periods I am often juggling work while they are here. I have four children and a dog so I’m used to chaos and mess but find my family next level inconsiderate.

It is difficult to say anything as they’ll easily take offence, for example if I tick off my nephew for repeatedly doing something irritating they call me out so I just shut up. This makes it harder to set boundaries as I want them to feel welcome here and I do want to see them.

I would really value any tips on coping with this with a smile on my face and being able to relax into it and embrace it.

Of course not having them is an option !

I love hosting but would feel as you do OP if I had guests taking the piss like that. They are being disrespectful. If they want to continue to enjoy your lovely house and all the benefit it offers them in terms of space and all being together then tell them what needs to change and if they don't like it then they can go elsewhere. Or you say that you're going to have to employ housekeepers whilst they visit and btw here's the bill for it.

Stop lifting a finger for them when they are there. It sounds a bit like you run around after them.

Stand your ground more. If anyone puts their back up about something you say, you reply "my house, my rules". Who cares if they get the hump?! You need to get tougher.

Hide the laundry detergent so they can't do there laundry in your machine! Jeepers, I'd not being letting that happen.

It sounds fun and chaotic, I'd absolutely love this. But it needs to be on your terms 100% of the time.

How do the visits impact him compared to you? It's a lot easier to love it when you're not the one running around after everyone else. If he's not taking on a big part ofthe extra work load his experience isn't comparable to yours.

And this is surely the better option? The OP seems to have the “I’ve got no choice, so how do I make it easier” stance but not hosting in the first place might just be better?

Yes very odd. also that the OP's family are 'conflict averse' but also had a go at OP when she dared question why her nephew had been allowed to wake everyone up unreasonably early.

This is why I don't think statergies or talking to them will work.

The waking everyone else was disrespectful and entitled - then when called on it not an apology but an argument - then that gone down as OP being difficult for years afterwards.

I think any change how ever reasonable with be met with similar and OP will end up upset and still with rude guests.

I think she could try and reset - with saying no guests during GCSE period and then when they come back have firmer house rules but not sure she feel able to do so.

i really don't understand why you feel that not having them all to stay is not an 'option'?

if your house burnt down, what would they do? if you moved to a smaller house in a different area, what would they do? i'm pretty sure they'd figure something out.

personally i think you should create a space for yourselves and say you won't host anyone for eg 3 months - tell them all that you've decided to remodel/ reorganise/ redecorate the house so the 'spare rooms' won't be available for that entire time, and everything will be in a state of flux. (also, you want your dc to focus on studying for their exams).

after a big gap like that, you can invite them back but institute some changes - some ground-rules for visitors - you might find that not having access to your facilities for a while has made people more aware/ conscious and more inclined to respect your generosity in future.

I've had this sort of problem - with parents coming from abroad and staying for two weeks. They were difficult anyway but the last visit was awful - my father actually told me off because the garage wasn't the way he'd left it two years previously (we'd painted and there were paint tins left around)

I put up with it for ten days - my mother drinking and them not talking to one another. And then there was a row - I just said look you're guests here, you can't behave like this. So they said 'well we're not welcome here', packed their bags, walked out, got on a plane....and never spoke to me again. That was nine years ago. I'm free 😁

PS - I'm a big fan of the 'Let them' philosophy

Do you take time off whilst they're there, for at least part of their stay if not all of it? I have to say that I would really not like having to be in my daily work routine and return home to a shitshow every evening, let alone be left with huge amounts of cooking and clearing up to do. And that's without the broken sleep. They could be much more considerate and they would still have a great time. Maybe say that you are going to hire an agency to do the cooking, clearing up, laundry, because it's too much for you on top of everything else and you would like to enjoy their visit too. It will cost x per adult and a proportion for each child. It will still be an utter bargain for them so could that work?

They don’t respect you quite obviously and see you as a big mug for which you are clearly playing the part! You have FOUR kids. I have two and no one I know would even put upon me because they know I have my hands full. It’s your home and they are running amok. If it means that cheeky fuckers get upset at being called out but you get your home and space back then isn’t it worth it. I can’t believe that you are allowing this.

I solved a similar shoes issue with 9 guests and 18 pairs of shoes…
I placed the shoes all facing toe-in against a wall where I wanted them to be.
The next morning - everyone just continued the setup with no words needed from me.

We did put up a written military style witty list of who was responsible for which jobs / bringing supplies of snacks/wine/food etc - fortunately the guests took it well and enjoyed referring to the list “to check who is doing snacks” and so on.

Could you employ your older children, a project, get them onside? (Secret promise of rewards later?). “No Jimmy, your coats go into your room and not there”
Ditto with the surfaces. (Love the bulk-bag ideas for getting their stuff off your surfaces).

I would want to say to the relatives “you know, my work is getting more demanding, I want to continue hosting everyone here, but honestly it’s a struggle sometimes, it’s becoming challenging - we need to rethink and have some house rules so we can make it do-able”. “we need your help for it to work” etc

I freely admit that I have used the valid excuses of “Oh, next Christmas we will be away skiing/ on a family beach holiday at Easter” and so on - just to re-set their expectations.

What you have written here is the key for me OP.

No, the kids enjoy seeing everyone and strangely my DP loves it too. He carries on as normal going to work but is happy to socialise when he gets back.
turns out I’m the misery guts. Maybe I am uptight

Re read and analyse what you have written, 'strangely', 'carries on as normal', happy to socialise', 'loves it', no wonder, when one is lord of the manor.... . You have set yourself and your family both immediate and otherwise, as the roman slave of the family.

That is your family role (servants can be a misery and uptight when the workload increases). No wonder your kids and husband love it. They have a servant. I don't mean this to be nasty at all. We can all sleepwalk into roles and yours is servant.

No you are not uptight or a misery guts. Your instinct is telling you that this is unfair and you are right. It is, but don't expect anyone else to agree with you because while you play servant, they can play at being lords, so no wonder they all have a wonderful time.

You don't have a family problem, you have a you problem because you have chosen and you perpetuate the role of servant. I am not saying you mean to and God knows what roles i play with my family , we all do.

Have a look at understanding family roles and dynamics.
If you develop better boundaries then if they want to stay get them to hire a cleaner before, during and after they leave and they pay for it (throw in an oven and carpet clean for good measure), get them to buy all booze and pay for a big meal out for all of you, then you just have hosting, day to day food and laundry which is a huge amount to do for them. They should also only be booking trips when you can get time off and its school holidays.

They will find your role change difficult to manage but tell them to suck it up.
If the above sounds outrageously unreasonable to request of them and they will go bonkers at the thought of it then ask yourself why because the above is not unreasonable and if someone asked this of me i would agree gladly and see no issue with it.

There's a lot of piss taking going on these days. I'm sorry OP that you're family take advantage. They've 'trained' you not to complain with their reactions when you do.

If you want this to end, it probably won't end quietly but you know what you need to do ❤

This sounds horribly stressful! I would set some firm ground rules and make it clear that this is my home, me and my children come first, and you do not disturb our sleep for any reason!

No noise before and after a certain time, everyone cleans up after themselves and you are not the staff!

Honestly this is making me feel a bit uptight and it’s not even my house!