How to make Mother’s Day ‘fair’

[Chunkychips23]

DH and I were discussing Mother’s Day plans and I mentioned I’d like to see my mum this year. I didn’t see her last year as it was my own first Mother’s Day and we wanted to mark it, so went out for lunch just the three of us. His mum was very unhappy about this and felt like I was making her day about myself and he should have catered to us both.

Bit of backstory:

I’m due our 2nd imminently, so this year I just wanted a quiet lunch with my mum, who has been a godsend throughout both pregnancies. I had a very rough time with my 1st, haemorrhaging and requiring a hospital stay up until early delivery. I just want to make it special for her.

My MIL became very unpleasant during my last 3rd trimester and postpartum, where we’d previously had a good relationship. I adored her and enjoyed spending time with her, but she did a complete switch. She’d improved after we announced our 2nd, but now I’m nearly at my due date, she’s become hostile again. Because of this, I don’t particularly want to spend time with her on Mother’s Day. It gets really stressful and makes me feel anxious, as I’m just sat waiting for the sly digs and comments to start. To note - I do see her probably about 1-3 times a month, so it’s not a case of avoiding her.

I’ve suggested that me and DC can go see my mum for a few hours (we’d meet at a restaurant part way as this pregnancy sciatica is killing me and I’m the size of a house 😂) and DH can go see his mum. He’s said that she wants to see our DC and she feels it’s not fair that just my mum gets to see him on Mother’s Day. My husband has older children from a previous relationship, but they’re not expected to be there. Just my child. MIL’s suggestion was that he could come alone and bring DC and I go see my mum alone. It’s also my Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend it with my child too.

DH also doesn’t want me going anywhere alone now we’re getting close to my due date. He’s understandably a title traumatised from my last pregnancy and seeing me bleed out on our bedroom floor. Although this pregnancy has been normal, it’s not even been two years since our DC, so it’s all quite fresh in his mind and we’re around the same gestation as my 2nd, biggest haemorrhage. Because of this, he’d rather come with me on Mother’s Day. My brother has said he’ll literally escort me door to door if that makes DH feel more at ease.

DH has said that maybe it’s best we host Mother’s Day so both mums can be there. But then it wouldn’t just be mums we’re hosting, it would be my brother and FIL too and likely DH’s eldest sibling and their kids. I really don’t want to cook and host. DH would help out sure, but my mum would then end up being the one taking on the bulk of it, as she wouldn’t be able to sit there and watch me serve the in-laws (they do absolutely nothing to help. 2 days pp MIL had a go at me for not making her drinks and serving her food) It also makes me a little nervous both mums being in the same room - if my mum heard one single comment, she’d not be able to avoid saying something. Then my MIL would cry and there would be a massive drama.

My MIL has two other children, so he’s not an only child. But she puts a lot on DH. I think because he was divorced for several years before we met, she’d had more of his attention. Last year was the first Mother’s Day she hadn’t seen him in about 14yrs. The other two won’t do anything independently for their mum, but happily jump in on things when DH has arranged them.

Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get all the info across and it’s not a case of me being a bitchy DIL.

So AIBU to stick to what I suggested? I see my mum, he sees his?

So far I’ve suggested:

• We see his mum on the Saturday (my mum is unavailable) - she said it’s not the same as it’s not actually Mother’s Day
• He sees his mum and I see mine (which I think is perfectly normal and reasonable)
• His siblings pull their finger out and do something for their mother (they all have children too, so she’d get grandchildren time)

I really don’t see why it has to become a drama, but it will.

I think you should go to your mum's and your DC and let DH come with you if he wants or visit MIL.

You've offered to see her on the Saturday. You're doing nothing wrong and she's being ridiculous.

I used to refuse to see my MIL on Mother’s Day as I don’t think she is a good mum to my DH, and she made it all about her. Also, I am always sad as my mum died when I was a child, and it upsets me seeing other women with their mums celebrating. My MiL couldn’t give a toss about anyone else’s feelings on their birthdays or special occasions, but when it comes to her she gets very upset if not made a fuss of.

That said, I’ve got better as I got older. We have invited her out for a special day this year and she declined saying she prefers to go out with her other DC.

I won’t ask again.

It does seem to me that this is just another example of the generation above us thinking it’s all about them. MD is a day to make a fuss of a busy mum in the thick of it. By the time you are a grandma you’ve had loads of these days and your child rearing is over. I couldn’t sit there and watch my busy DD or DIL take 2nd place whilst I threw my toys out the pram demanding attention.

Do what you want. Even without a young toddler and complex pregnancy it really is not your job to cater to your MIL on mother's day. Most mums of adult children are happy with a card and some flowers.

As the mother who has a young DC and is pregnant, you trump the other mothers who haven’t done any hands on ‘mothering’ for years as their DC are now adults.

Also, every time your MIL causes drama or unreasonable upset make sure there are consequences. She will soon realise that when she behaves a certain way she is only hurting herself.

I did this to my bully MIL and she soon learnt that her tactics don’t work on me, instead of caving in, scared, I took things away e.g. stopped inviting her, stopped thoughtful things and just went through the motions. She soon realised she was losing out, and started to respect me more. She still hates my guts (see MD decline) but she isn’t allowed to disrespect me.

You sound lovely @Chunkychips23 - and are trying to be so fair. I don’t really have anything to add. I’ve found Mother’s Day very sad in the past as an a lone parent with a daughter who was too young to do anything for years on her own - it was often not something we celebrated unless I treated myself!! .

one thing I did to get over it was just think - “it really is just a marketing day for retailers to make a bit of money”. You can show your appreciation of your mother/ MIL or be with your kids and celebrate really any time around this date.
Maybe if you keep that in mind and just do some things to celebrate on different days/ or even weekends - it really doesn’t matter.
what matters is your health and peace of mind at this late stage.
Good luck OP and especially with your up and coming birth xx

Dh visits HIS mother
you visit YOUR mother
YOUR child is with YOU as you are your chid's mother.

simple.

it's NOT grandmother's day !

tho I believe Hallmark have now invented Grandparent's Day...

yep - this is the bit that i would be stressing to DH, and his mum (but then I'm gobby and i hated my MIL with the burning hate of a thousand suns - I'm sure it was fully recriprocated - and didn't care if i upset her or pissed her off)

If OP wants to celebrate mothers' day (not seeing her want all the tat here that some posters are fixated on) and it is actually A Thing not invented by Hallmark, then she can celebrate it in the way she wants to. That is possibly with her mum and her children. DHs mum can see her children, but she doesn't get to usurp OPs wishes. On Fathers Day, OPs DH can do what he wants as a bit of give and take.

Why don't they come toa restaurant near you? Everyone lunches together. If you sense any misbehaviour from mother in law, you say you're tired and leave. Brother could offer to take you home (with your mum if he drove). Leave husband with his mum enjoying coffee and you and mum get time together elsewhere. Or meet your mum at the park before hand to wear out kids before lunch.
Your mother in law is controlling so let her win a very small amount, don't make it a battle for your own sanity, just make sure that it's clear that the kids are with you if that's what you want. That way you can control what happens without your husband having to try and placate his mum. Keep everything calm. Also get husband to suggest to siblings that they have her over in the afternoon then you don't have to entertain her too long 🤣. Win win they don't have to see her for long either.
My grandmother was unkind and controlling, my mother in law is super thick skinned and drama seeking. It's exhausting. Yes you can go no contact but sometimes it's better to just limit their control by compromise if you can cope with it. She thinks she is getting her own way and pipes down. Sit her at the head of the table with her own children each side, and you sit to avoid direct eye contact. Be super friendly at first, plonk children on her lap for a bit, then make sure your husband has some photos of old times, and topics of conversation to keep her chatting, and out of your hair.
Explain your plan to your mum in advance.
I'm the mum of boys, I'm hoping I can learn from Mumsnet to get on really well, in the thoughtful way to get on with my sons and their partners in the future. Hopefully there's some middle ground for you and she learns to appreciate you and be a lot kinder.

I want to spend the day with my DC, especially as my attention is about to become divided very soon. I also want to see my mother too! We’ve not had loads of mothers days together, as she worked shifts in medicine until retiring a couple of years ago. Same as my brother, so we’d actually all be available on the same Mother’s Day for a change.

I have zero issue with DH seeing his own DM. We don’t need to do it all together.

This is so simple:

You take your DC to see your mum.
DH sees mum.

This shouldn’t even be a huge conversation.
I don’t understand why he’s making this so difficult and the whole being worried about you is BS because if he was, then he wouldn’t be making this an issue.

All DH has to say to his mum is that you’ve already made plans to see your mum and it’s your Mother’s Day so you’ve chosen to have your DC with you. So he’ll see her alone.
It’s not grandparents day and it’s your last one with just 1 DC.

Your DH doesn’t get a say in this and your MIL definitely doesn’t.

I really do not understand adults who want to make mothers day about themselves rather than wanting to see their own mums (unless there is a relationship issue there).

I spent it with mine and dh spent it with his.

When we had dc and they were old enough to know what was going on, I had a handmade card/basic box of chocs from them in the morning before we would head off to spend time with our respective mums. We would decide between us, depending on what we had planned to do with our mums, who would take dc with them.

When my dc did not understand what mothers day was yet, it was not a big deal. Spending time with my mum was. When dc were old enough I either did something with them in the morning then went to see my mum, or did something together me, mum and dc while dh went to see his mum.

It really isn't hard when you remove the part where you want to make it all about you.

I think realistically once you have children, the baton gets passed to you for Mother’s Day. Neither Dh or I have seen our mums on Mother’s Day since our eldest was born. We acknowledge them and send/card gift (well, I’m NC with my mum now, but when we were still close). Even BIL who has no children or other responsibilities doesn’t do more than that. I’m not sure he’s seen her on Mother’s Day ever since Dh and got together and that was nearly 2 decades ago!

Now if you want to see your mum instead of going to a spa day or whatever, then it’s your day and I would go do with the kids what you want. I don’t think it’s fair that Dh takes the kids away on Mother’s Day. It’s your day. If he wants to see his mum and you’re happy with that, he can go see his mum. Or he could take the kids to see her on Saturday.

I suspect, if he’s anything like my Dh (who is super lovely but struggles with his relationship with his mum), he wants the kids there so he doesn’t have to do anything or interact. My Dh would never just go see his mum or take her to lunch on his own. I don’t think he’s been alone with her since we met! He needs me or the kids as a distraction because he finds it really stressful. Sometimes you got to be an adult though and go spend time with your mum.

It’s ultimately your day as the mum of young children and he needs to support you to have a lovely day. I’d hate the thought of my dc missing out on time with their own children because I was too needy and demanding as a (grand)mother.

So OP's child can be with their mum on Mother's Day. She wants to spend as much time with her child as possible before the new baby comes.

In the same way that you can eat pancakes any day of the year, you can also celebrate how lovely your mum is any day of the year.

Let the sad sacks who need it to be on a special day have what they want. Go out another day (It'll be less crowded and noisy too) with your lovely mum.

And her DP can’t do that? Isn’t allowed to do that? Doesn’t have the right do do that?

Spend the day with your mum and your dc. Your dc aren’t your MIL’s children they are yours. Your MIL will see her DC, and your Mum will see her DC and you will see your DC. That’s generally how Mothers Day works.

sounds like your MIL is only insisting she sees her GC because it makes it difficult out for you.

This 👆

Oh, I remember that thread.

There was also a thread about MIL having an issue with OP breastfeeding.

OP's DH needs to cut the apron strings and stand up to his mother.

I've read OP's other threads and her DH wouldn't be bothered about spending time with his child, unless it was to pander to his mother's wishes.

This Mother's Day dilemma is the least of OP's problems with her DH and his family.

You sound like such a nice lady 😊, around trying to please MIL & she sounds difficult & not so great being honest , people who feel the need to pass snidey comments to others really are not my cup of tea & I never keep company with people like that .
However , she is your MIL , what can you do 🤷🏻‍♀️..

I would spend the day with my mom & child & leave your husband see his ..His mom needs to get a grip & realise you want your child with you as she wants hers with her ! And you don’t need to see her on Mother’s Day being honest..
Your mom sounds lovely &
Your husband sounds like a nice man aswel btw .
I can understand why he is worried about you ..
So best wishes with new Baby 🎈
Relax & Happy Mother’s Day x x

This.

I'm very set on NOT allowing either side to fight over specific days and build insidious, demanding traditions that are more of a burden than a joy.

My parents live in a popular tourist area, so we're skipping Easter and doing a long weekend another time.

Mother's Day is AM for a lie in for me, nipping over to ILs for a bit in the afternoon, seeing my parents another time. Next year up with my family. Father's Day we'll have my dad and brother over to lunch and see ILs separately.

Personally I don't think you should travel. And I also think Mother's Day is made up nonsense.

Perfect

This ^ is absolutely spot on.

He thinks I should spend Mother’s Day with our DC if that’s what I want to do. It’s his mother insisting that he should bring DC to her if I’m set on seeing my mother. He’s told her that DC is staying with me regardless what I decide I want to do on that day and she’s upset about it.

He has other children from a previous marriage who she’s not insisting on seeing. She also has two other children and several grandchildren.

Every event becomes a battle. When it really shouldn’t. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc. If there’s a card for it, she wants that day. But specifically, attention from my DH. Even his own birthday.