Is nursery beneficial to any way to our children?

[OneTealDog]

I've just come back from visiting my friend who very much thinks she's a martyr for being a stay at home parent. She's got lots of help from husband who works from home and both grandparents.

She said she only going back to work two days as nursery fees will wipe out her earnings. Not sure how much that is true for someone earning £40k and both children getting 30 hours funded hours.

Always feel like it's a direct snub for me, when I use my annual leave for my own well being, such as getting my hair done, chores, car MOT, physio etc. was very surprised I don't take my own child when I visited her (she lives an hour away).

Anyway does nursery provide any benefit or should I be taking toddler out of nursery?

If you are a responsible parent who enjoys bringing up your child, nursery for under 3s is not going to provide any advantage other than give you a bit of respite (which is fine, btw). The very best upbringing for under 3s is a well-supported mother who lets her child bumble about in the house doing progressively more challenging developmental activities as well as doing more child-directed activities (reading, going to the playground and climbing, lots of water play, toys that develop a sense of space, quantity, size... etc etc etc). Going out and about to shops, parks, other people's houses is all really important.

Lots of people save some annual leave in case of emergencies such as child illness so that they don't have to take unpaid leave.

As you don't spend any of your annual leave with your child, if she hadn't been ill, would she have been in nursery for 52 weeks per year (possibly a bit less if the nursery is closed for Christmas and Easter)?

The general results show that over 3s benefit from some time socialising with other children in different environments. So nursery/preschool/other play environment.

Interestingly I was talking to a very experienced reception teacher and she said that those who had attended full time nursery were outwardly more confident, came in and got on, in a way a child who hadn't done nursery didn't. But often underneath they were very insecure, and would often say "mummy can't come. She has to work" or the ones who got upset because their parent didn't come and help in the way some did.
She said it was a superficial confidence.

There is a saying, "It takes a village to raise a child".

I was born in 1966 when most women became 'housewives' often because employers did not employ barred women or the ones that do didn't employ those with children.

Neighbours would visit each other and take children with them, children interacted with neighbours, siblings, the siblings of neighbours. Grand parents would often visit

That sort of 'village' largely doesn't exist any more. Nurseries and other childcare has become the 'new village'.

My child has gone since 14m it was not the best thing at the time for him, he struggled to be separated from me and in an ideal world looking back I would have waited until a little older and done 2 days balanced with more family care, instead of 3 days followed quickly by 4 in nursery. But we don't have any family help, my work would not allow me to drop to less than 4 days and im the high earner so it sort of had to be done. I would consider a well selected child minder in future until age 3, as a lot of my friends children who have them feel part of the family.

I've seen lots of benefits for him particularly around social skills, turn taking, sharing etc and he seems to love the routine of the day there. He is happy there all day and even now in the toddler room there are only 10 children on average each day. They do a lot of outdoor play, some organized activities but a lot of free play too. I would say there are downsides in that even at our fantastically run nursery there are several children in his group with behavioral issues and he is picking up on some of that. They are also teaching him a lot though in a good way too.

I would struggle parenting 7 days a week and I think my parenting would have suffered, not to the point of being bad though. I take odd days here and there off whilst he is in nursery to spend time with my husband or get more efficient with house jobs, as we have no babysitters so otherwise it would be 2 years with no time together so far. We have probably done this 4 times since he has been in nursery for over a year and we take our other leave as family time, holidays etc.

@SwornToSilence you are so right. I worked with a different client group, but in a similar environment. I was once told ‘if it isn’t recorded, it didn’t happen’. The trouble was, if it was recorded, then there would have been almost no time for it to have happened.

Fortunately, once I was in a higher position, I made sure that clients in my ‘care’ were the focus, and to hell with a lot of the paperwork. When inspected by CQC, we were rated excellent.

I always wonder how these studies prove that it’s ok for 3+ but not under. Surely there are so many factors influencing the development of a child it’s almost impossible to prove?

A comment up thread is a good example. A teacher saying that a child had superficial confidence because they said ‘mummy can’t come as she’s working’. Perhaps the child is simply stating a fact! Another child at home with a full time mum/parent might just be plonked in front of the tv or dragged around Primark ie given no or very little 1-1 time, experiences etc. Evidently many children born in Covid who were at home with their parents are ‘behind’ developmentally. This proves my point, it’s not about being a sahp or nursery it’s about what you do with the child. At least at nursery you know they’re being socialised and have access to resources.

None of mine went to any nursery setting at all, just into reception.

And my god, didn’t everyone have something to say about that. Still looking for the lasting damage in my 23 year old.

People do what they have or want to do.

Obviously, it is not good for the children, but how are we supposed to work and earn if we can't afford a live-in nanny? This is often the only option for the working parents.

I think kids benefit from more socialisation; I am not convinced they benefit from having almost all their social contacts be the same age as them. They pick up all kinds of rubbish from each other about what good socialisation entails that they then have to unlearn. This is true for schools too. Many 18-year-olds are fundamentally unequpped for adult relationships because they've spent 99% of their life only interacting with other children and their direct families.

Nursery doesn't look like quite such a feminist option when you look at the sexist stereotypes many kids seem to pick up there, possibly because of the teachers, but especially because they pick this stuff up from other kids who themselves have regressive sexist morons for parents.

I think it is more beneficial for a child to be at home up until they go to school. (Providing they have a “proper” care, not being shoved in front of TV for most of the day or just left to themselves because SAHP is on their phone). But things are different now, most of the time you dont have a choice, or you just don’t have much help and for your own sanity you need to go back to work for a little bit at least. My first dc went to childminder at 1 yr old, second dc at 10 months old, due to financial difficulties. I chose a childminder over the nursery to have more home/cozy/less noisy and chaotic environment. I was also lucky to find an amazing childminder.

This is my view too. It's always going to be an emotive topic. I just wish that it was a choice for most people.

After lockdown I'm no longer convinced it's enough for a toddler to spend all their time with just one person either. It does take a village and nursery can be like a contracted village.

I hate these threads. It's always such a lot of conflict.

I think everyone would agree with you that lockdown was awful for kids, but if you’re saying that not going to nursery is similar to lockdown I think that’s a bit bonkers?

Every child I know who wasn’t in nursery was out with their parent/caregiver all the time, at baby groups and classes, swimming, in the park, plus normal stuff like going to the shops, meeting other families - in other words, lots of socialising with others beyond the immediate caregiver and lots of varied experiences.

Obviously if a SAHP is spending their entire time shut indoors with a toddler not mixing with other people there’s some wider problem there and it’s not representative at all.

I agree with this: SAHPs these days take their children out and about both to baby-centred activities and normal life, far more than in the 1960s when I was born. It's really good for babies and toddlers to learn about the world and how to manage it.

I agree and when I was a SAHM I was going out most days and meeting friends or running errands. Apart from lockdown it was a really positive experience. I did feel the need to do some preschool nursery so they were used to a group setting for school. Primary schools seem to struggle with kids that have never been away from their parents.

There's a lot of very insular people on here though that openly talk about disliking other people and talk about toddler groups like they're a circle of hell. Those kids probably are better off in a nursery setting for some of the time if their primary caregiver can't cope with the social side.

Yep. Agreed.

And as someone who had DC2 during lockdown and was alone with a 2 year old and a newborn for most of it, I can confidently say it was awful for my toddler. Took him a long time to settle into preschool when he did start though happily has thrived since day 1 of reception.

This is why I'm skeptical about what experts say. I remember in lockdown being told that it's perfectly ok for a child under 3 to only spend time with their parents and they don't need anything else. I don't know anyone in this situation that found it it fine.

Lockdown has produced a lot of behaviour issues in young kids and exacerbated SEN. However - whether that’s only having parents for company or an over reliance on screens I don’t know. There’s a difference between being only with parents but still getting out and about to the park/shops, and watching Cocomelon 24/7

This is a question where women can’t win: if you stay at home, you are risking your financial security, not setting example for your kids, kids aren’t socialising; if you go to work, your baby is not seeing you enough, nurseries are bad etc.

Complete inverse for men - go to work for long hours, you are providing for your family; stay at home: what a wonderful, active dad etc.

The worst thing is that most of the judgement is from other women. Which is hard to stomach as we should understand how hard and complex these decisions are, as we live them everyday.

@Sofiewoo agreed, five days is not the same as every day of annual leave but the op said ‘every annual leave’ which I interpreted to mean each time she is on annual leave eg for a fortnight, they go for a few days…maybe @OneTealDog can clarify?? I apologise if I have missed this somewhere and I must confess I haven’t read all six pages of responses to this.